things i need in my world

When you realize that you’re not as happy as you want to be, you wish to change things. That’s where I am right now, trying to figure out how to modify myself in order to make this world easier to live in. How much of a heart can I have? How can I make the word no taste as sweet as the word yes? What can I do to keep a smile on my face? A part of me always seemed to feel selfish whenever I weighed my wants and needs against someone else’s - like the thought of pleasing myself shouldn’t even exist. But after a while, you realize you matter too.
—  You matter too. // Maxwell Diawuoh
Not to Leave Thee

Note: Apology to those who stumbled onto this post before I finally managed to fix the HTML. I’m afraid I’m not very tech savvy. ;)

I’ve recently become obsessed with Shadowhunters. Malec and Jalec are two different kinds of love that fulfill all of my character relationship needs. So here is my first Shadowhunters fanfic, a little imagined scene set right after the events of 2x03.

Summary: After the events in Parabatai Lost, Alec is determined not to let Jace down.

* * *

Not to Leave Thee

In Alec’s world, things were still spinning. He was trying desperately to anchor himself, but he felt more and more like he had been pulled out of one nightmare only to be dropped in another—one that he didn’t have a clue how to wake up from. He felt as lost now that he knew where Jace was as he had when his brother had disappeared with Valentine. Because once again, Jace was nowhere near where he was supposed to be. And where he was supposed to be was by Alec’s side. Until Jace was back where he belonged, there was no way out of the nightmare as far as Alec was concerned.

He rolled over onto the luxury mattress that was way too soft for him. He looked at Magnus’ sleeping form beside him, and he thought about how this was not how he had pictured entering the warlock’s bed for the first time. Magnus tossed his head from side to side in his sleep, brow furrowing, breath quickening, eyes darting around behind closed eyelids. And Alec realized he was not the only one who was stuck in a nightmare.

Without thinking, he found Magnus’ hand in the dark and held on for dear life. It didn’t even come close to repaying all that Magnus had done for him, but it was all that Alec had to offer and it would have to do for now. Magnus quieted almost instantly. Alec wondered if perhaps the warlock could sense his presence the way he had sensed Magnus’ while he had been lost in his own nightmarish world. He liked to think that might be the case. It was a comforting thought. It made him feel adequate.

He left his hand where it was, his fingers firmly entwined with Magnus’, and he rolled onto his back. He stared at the darkened high ceiling in Magnus’ bedroom, eyes vacant and thoughts swirling. He felt too weak and too lost still to think straight, and so he didn’t try to. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, and he willed himself to sleep. He could not afford a clouded mind nor a weakened body.

He was almost drifting off when the words came.

“Entreat me not to leave thee.”

Alec’s eyes flew open.

‘Jace!’

His heart began to beat a mile a minute in his chest. It slammed over and over against his ribcage, violently enough that it actually hurt.

Jace’s words had stayed with him, and now they were coming back, demanding to be heeded. He had heard them before, of course; the day when he and Jace had taken their parabatai oath was forever engraved in his memory. But he had never heard them as loud or as clear as today, when Jace had come and rescued him from oblivion. He had never felt them as deeply, had never quite grasped the enormity of their meaning. He thought he had, but today’s events had shown him that he hadn’t quite known, not really. Neither him nor Jace had ever spoken the words like that before, with the same life-saving intensity.

Jace’s voice had gotten deeper than under Alec’s skin—they went past nerves and muscle and straight to the core of his being. Jace had saved more than just Alec’s life today. He had saved all of him, all of his essence.

And what was he doing? He was lying in bed, sleeping.

‘No way,’Alec thought fiercely. ‘No fucking way.’

He sat up and let go of Magnus’ hand. The darkness spun about him for a moment, but it was nothing that a few seconds of furious, rapid blinking could not fix. Gingerly, Alec slipped out of bed. He cast a quick look down at Magnus to make sure he hadn’t disturbed his sleep. He knew that if he woke now, Magnus would try to stop him, and he had no energy to waste on an argument.

But the warlock did not stir. It was a testament to just how drained he was, and Alec promised himself he wound find a way to make it up to him. Later. Magnus would have to wait; he had someone else to see to now.

Alec took a deep breath, gathered up his discarded boots and shirt, and walked out of Magnus’ home. His feet were unsteady, but his resolve wasn’t.

“For whither thou goest, I will go.”

* * *

“For whither thou goest, I will go. And where thou lodgest—”

The sound was forever burned into Jace’s memory, etched into his brain as indelibly as the runes on his skin. The terrible, devastating sound of Alec’s breathing rattling helplessly, convulsively in his chest. It still rang in Jace’s ears.

Jace Wayland had seen plenty of scary things in his life and lived through more than his fair share of terrifying experiences, but he had never been as petrified as when he had stepped into Magnus’ living room to find his parabatai dying. He was currently sitting in a cell in the most soul-sucking prison in this dimension, awaiting trial and sentence for treason he hadn’t quite committed, and still he was less scared now than he had been just a few hours ago.

There were screams in these dungeons—the Brothers may be silent, but the prisoners they guarded were not. And yet none of these sounds could begin to compare in horror to what he had thought were his brother’s last breaths. If anything, the screams were almost a welcome distraction; if he listened intently enough, they might just drown out the blood-curling sounds of Alec dying.

Jace leaned his head back against the damp wall of his cell and closed his eyes, and he tried to will himself to regain some of his bearings. He did his best to focus on the fact that while his own future had become more than a little uncertain, his parabatai would have one. But it was no use. The fear still coursed through his veins, pumping like dark adrenaline. It robbed him of all peace of mind—not that he had any idea what peace of mind felt like.

Jace wasn’t much for what ifs. He believed in what had actually been and what actually was. This time, however, he seemed unable to stop dwelling. The thing was, he wasn’t quite sure Alec had learned his lesson. As far as he knew, what had happened today may very well happen again. And then what? It terrified him, the lengths to which Alec was willing to go for him. What he was willing to give up without so much as blinking. How ready he was to jump all in without a second thought. To die. For him.

Jace used to think he understood their bond, but he realized now that he never really had a clue. He used to think he knew exactly how deep it went. He didn’t, not really. Alec had shown him today, and what he had seen terrified him. Because he may be cocky, but he wasn’t arrogant enough to believe himself worthy of the sacrifice Alec had proven himself more than ready to make. And because he couldn’t even begin to contemplate life without Alec. It just didn’t work that way. Jace didn’t work that way. Without Alec, Jace couldn’t even function, let alone live.

“Entreat me not to leave thee.”

Irrational anger began to spread across Jace’s chest. Because Alec had almost broken the oath. Alec had almost left him. And Jace couldn’t get the sound of his parabatai’s ragged breath out of his ears.

* * *

Alec’s body was indeed weakened. By the time he made it to the Silent Brothers, he was practically seeing double. The fact that he had made it this far without passing out or being noticed was nothing short of miraculous, so much so that he had to wonder if maybe some of Magnus’ magic had stayed with him. Everything hurt and he felt as though he was moving underwater, but still he pushed through. He may have been somewhat out of it when he had finally come to, but not enough that he hadn’t noticed Jace’s haggard appearance. He knew his parabatai had gone through so much worse to get to him.

He also knew showing up on the Silent Brothers’ doorstep in such a weakened condition may not be the best idea; they were hard enough to face at the peak of one’s shape. But it didn’t matter. He had to get to Jace. had to.

Alec took a deep breath to steady himself on all levels and stepped through the entryway masked as a rundown, graffiti-covered metal door in a godforsaken part of the city. He passed by the statue of the Angel bearing that ominous inscription.

“For Shadowhunters, the descent into Hell is easy.”

He snorted out loud and thought about how nothing was easythese days, not even eternal damnation.

Once he had stated his business, the Silent Brothers led him to Jace without comment or further questioning. They didn’t care that Aldertree may not appreciate him being there. They didn’t care about Shadowhunters internal politics. All they cared about was fulfilling their purpose, which currently was guarding the prisoners. And by the Angel, were they guarded.

The minute the Silent Brothers left him alone in the chamber where Jace’s cell was, Alec forgot about it all. He forgot about the pain and the weakness and the exhaustion. He forgot about everything but the wave of red-hot rage that washed over him and engulfed him almost completely. Because there was Jace, sitting in a damp cell like some kind of criminal. It drove Alec mad, that sight.

After a few moments of furious immobility, he somehow found it in himself to swallow the growl that had been mounting at the back of his throat, and he stepped forward into the dim light of the dungeon.

“Jace.”

Jace jumped. Literally. One minute he was asleep with his back against the wall, the next he was scrambling to his feet, eyes wide as he tried to make sense of his brother standing there.

“Alec?”

Alec walked up to the bars of the cell and wrapped his hands around the cold iron, hating it fiercely. His eyes scanned his Jace’s figure, looking for injuries. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Almost automatically, Jace had gravitated towards his parabatai, also stepping close to the bars and curling his fists around them. They were now standing close enough that Alec could see the play of emotions in the blue/brown of his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you.”

Jace cast a quick look around, but they were still alone. “You shouldn’t be here.”

Alec’s jaw twitched in anger. “Neither should you.”

“If Aldertree finds out—”

“Fuck Aldertree.”

Jace blinked in surprise, and then a proud little grin came to carve dimples into his cheeks. “Okay then.” There was a pause, and the grin faded. Jace covered Alec’s hand with his own, both their fists curled around the hard metal of the bars like they were trying to anchor each other. “I’ll be all right. You know that, right?”

“I know.” ‘I’ll make sure of it.’ After a beat of silence, Alec noticed that Jace was eyeing him as critically as he had done to him when he had first stepped into the dungeon. “What?”

“You should be resting.”

“I’m fine.”

Jace arched a blond eyebrow. “You don’t look fine.”

Alec shrugged. He didn’t have any argument to offer. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it matters, damn it!” Jace let go of Alec’s hand and slammed it palm-first against one of the bars. He began pacing, like the caged tiger he was.

Alec gaped at him. “What’s with you?”

Jace rounded on him, blue/brown eyes ablaze in the light of the torches. “Why’d you do it?”

Alec frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“The stone, Alec,” Jace snapped, spitting the words out through gritted teeth. “Why did you agree to use it? Why did you go so deep?”

“It’s not like I wanted to go so deep, you know?” Alec snapped right back. “It just happened.”

“‘It just happened’?” Jace stared at him incredulously. “You almost died!”

“But I didn’t, did I?”

Alec spoke in an almost challenging tone. He could feel himself crossing over to the defensive side, as he always did when someone he loved openly disapproved of something he had done.

Jace ignored the rebuttal. “Why did you do it?”

Alec couldn’t believe Jace was actually asking, but he answered anyway. “I had to find you.”

“Not like this, Alec. Never like this.”

Alec could read the real fear in Jace’s eyes, and he softened a little. “It was the only way.”

“I don’t care!” Jace all but roared. He grabbed the bars again, so tight that his knuckles went white. “Dammit, Alec, do you have any idea how scared I was? How lost I would be if—”

“I know!” Alec snapped again. “I know, Jace! That’s exactly why I did it.”

Jace blinked, taken aback. “What?”

Alec took a deep breath, but it didn’t do much to help him get his emotions back under control. “When you were missing, I…I felt like I was losing my mind. I had to find you, Jace. No matter the consequences.”

“The consequences matter, Alec,” Jace said quietly. He found his parabatai’s gaze and held it steady. “You matter.”

Alec’s breath caught in his throat. This was the kind of moment that up until a few weeks ago would have made him want to kiss Jace senseless. Right now, he just wanted to hug him. He took a deep breath and decided he would deal with that little epiphany later.

He cleared his throat. “I came here to tell you something.”

Jace frowned. “What is it?”

Alec gripped the bars tighter, mostly to keep himself upright as the world was once again threatening to tilt on its axis.

“Alec?” Jace clutched at his wrist. “Are you okay?”

Alec didn’t acknowledge the question. He met his brother’s concerned gaze straight on. “I came to tell you that whatever happens, I’m getting you out of here.” He grasped Jace’s arm in return. “You hear me, Jace? No matter what Aldertree and the Clave say or do, I’m getting you out of here. I promise you.”

Jace smiled. “I know. I know you won’t forsake me.”

Never,” Alec said fiercely. “Trust me.”

“I trust you, Alec. Always.”

“Always.”

They grasped each other’s forearm tightly, cementing a bond that was already stronger than the iron of the bars that separated them.

And then, just like that, the world carried out its threat and lurched, and Alec was falling.

“ALEC!”

* * *

Alec had no idea where was up and where was down anymore. All he knew was that the blood was rushing and roaring in his ears, and that he had no strength, and that he was falling. He became dimly aware of something breaking his fall, strong arms catching him.

‘Jace?’

But Jace was locked in a cell, wasn’t he?

“No,” a mellifluous voice said from somewhere very close to his ear. “It’s me, Magnus.”

‘Magnus?’

Alec blinked. Slowly, the world stopped its wild dance and came back into focus. He was half-sitting, half-sprawled on the cold floor of the Silent Brothers’ dungeons. He was slumped against Magnus, who was looking down at him with a mixture of relief and reproach in his silver-rimmed eyes.

In response, Alec blinked owlishly a couple more times. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to fetch you, of course.”

Alec sat up a little straighter. “How did you know where I was?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Believe me, it took no magic to figure it out.”

“Alec? Are you all right?”

Jace was watching him anxiously from his cell, where he was indeed still imprisoned.

Alec flashed him a reassuring smile. “I’m fine.”

Magnus scoffed. “You are not fine, Alexander. Your body is still recovering. You should not have come here.”

“That’s what I said,” Jace offered unhelpfully.

Alec glared at him and pulled himself to his feet with Magnus’ help. The warlock’s hand remained firmly under his elbow, effectively holding him up.

He met Magnus’ dark eyes. “I had to see Jace.”

The warlock gave a long-suffering sigh, but then he smiled. “Of course you did. Can I take you home now?”

“I’m not going back to the Institute.” ‘Not tonight. Not yet.’

Magnus gave him a knowing grin. “I didn’t mean the Institute.”

“Oh.” Alec felt himself flush.

From behind the bars, Jace cleared his throat. “Hello? Am I interrupting you guys with my captivity?”

Alec rolled his eyes. He gently disentangled himself from Magnus’ hold and walked unsteadily over to the cell.

“I’ll come back for you,” he vowed.

“Just take care of yourself.”

“I’ll come back for you,” Alec said again. He was not going to let Jace ignore the message.

Jace stared at him. He swallowed visibly and nodded. “I know you will, my parabatai.”

Alec nodded firmly in return. He let Magnus lead him away from Jace, but they all knew it was only temporary.

“Entreat me not to leave thee.”

And Alec wouldn’t. Ever. No matter the consequences.

END
HERE’S THE THING

my feeds are full of white women talking about how good they’re being and that says a lot about me and the world i curate around myself and it includes me too and i need to confront it

so if my post made u feel bad maybe let’s all look at that together and have some QUIET TIME FOR THINKING or PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS and not just post everything that we wanna say the moment we want to say it and now i’m going to take my own advice and also shut up

First off, I want to say that what you are doing at so young an age is an incredible thing. You are doing good in the world just with this blog. I cringe at the thought of any burden you might bear from sharing these stories, and I hope you could also learn diverse and valuable lessons from these stories. You are wonderful. Thank you for being an outlet of expression.

My story is sad, confusing, and right now I also need an anonymous outlet.

I slept with my best friend of four years a few months ago. He’s married, I have a boyfriend. I never thought I would cheat.
I had a crush on my friend for a few years now but I tried hard to let it go and just be friends. I had to let it go. But it turns out he had feelings too. We stayed up one night alone talking about our lives and in the morning things just happened.
We talked a few days later, and agreed to take space from each other because we both wanted to stay with our partners. He said he didn’t regret it, and I only half-heartedly said the same.
As the days went by I regretted it more and more. I was disgusted with myself, and disgusted with my friend too. At one point I asked my boyfriend for a break, which I see now as a way of punishing myself. As I went out to my car I nearly broke my hand after punching it. We got back together after a week.
I tried to get my friend to sit and talk with me because I needed to express how much I regretted it. I couldn’t go on like this. I wanted things to be normal but I couldn’t do so without talking about it. But he was only willing to chat about how other things were going, and after a few weeks he was once again all over my social media with likes and comments. It was ironic.
In this time I broke down and told my boyfriend, who immediately forgave me. He listened to me, trusted my word, and has been working with me through it. At the beginning he understood how I wanted to make things normal again, but we both watched as my friend was avoiding talking with me… I told my boyfriend I felt like I’d been used, and he told me I had to get out of this toxic relationship with my friend.
Then my friend had a baby. And all I could think about was him lying to his pregnant wife, and how that baby needed all the love and care in the world and right now I was just a distraction.
So I blocked them on all social media. I tried to lighten it. I said “Sorry, it’s temporary” and was gone. After a week I felt like blocking was too harsh. I thought that I could still exist among our mutual friends without a problem - then the day after I unblocked him he sent me a friend request. No call or text. My boyfriend said he was fishing for my attention, and even gave me an upset lecture about how my friend has more to lose and should have been the more mature one in this situation. I deleted his request, and I sent him this text the same day.
A few days later I tried to call - after convincing myself that it was more like me to solve these problems through talking and not running away - but there was no response. I haven’t made any contact since, and I don’t plan on it.
I speculate about what my friend is thinking about all this. It’s possible he started thinking things were becoming normal again when I kept talking. It’s possible that he’s afraid of the conversation I would bring up, especially now that he has a baby to weigh into all this. I also wonder, and kind of hope, there’s a chance he did tell his wife, and he’s focusing on fixing his relationship like I focused on mine. I just have to wait.

Introducing the New Babies!

The new babies have arrived! I have two little boys in the house now. Both of them will undergo the exposure training with sensory bins. I will, of course, post pictures of that as we go along. The sensory bins should help with exposing them to new things. Harness training I will possibly begin but that would be after some training with the camera. I’ve been able to sneak pictures with my phone but they will need to get used to a camera directly in their face. I never use zoom for my pictures.

However, it’s time to introduce the babies! We have Hamuul and Tonga. It’s a World of Warcraft theme.

Here is Tonga.

Here is Hamuul.

Hamuul doesn’t stop often so I had to rudely awaken him from his sleep with the flash. If you think they are tiny and look like babies it’s because they are. Right now they’re only seven weeks old. When we go on our first trip for the year that’s fairly long they will be adults by then. I had to travel a little over an hour to get them and they handled the car ride just fine on the way home. They do get to be very tired little things as they’re in a new home, after all. Plenty of nap time is being had.

MY MOM IS USING HER IPAD IN HER SESSION RIGHT NOW AND SO I CANT TEXT HER FOR AN HOUR CAUSE HER CLIENT WILL SEE AND ITS BEEN 20 MINUTES AND THIS IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD. she needs to know how much I’m craving steamed broccoli. She needs to know.

mornin’, ‘puter. i hope yer feelin’ fine t'day 'cuz i need to use ya.
—  a thing i just said out loud in my worst cajun pier grit accent for no explicable reason with my office door wide open so the whole world could hear me
a list of things that are less stressful to wait for than the season 4 skam trailer to drop
  • waiting in my mother’s womb to be born
  • ….for the world to change (a la john mayer)
  • ….for godot (hint: he never shows!)
  • waiting for my high school crush to respond to the ill-advised 7 page love letter i mailed him from summer camp 
  • waiting for the subway at 3 AM when your phone is out of batteries
  • waiting in line to pee at an outdoor music festival

I was tagged to post 10 facts about myself by the amazing, gorgeous, drop dead stunning @mpci (I LOVE YOU. YOUR ICON GIVES ME LIFE!)

1) I have a long torso and short legs so clothes shopping isn’t a thing I do cause I need long shirts cause my fat tummy exposure isn’t something the world needs to see rip (ALSO I LOVE MY EYES. LOOK ON MY IG IF YOU WANNA SEE)

2) I adopted my cat 3 1/3 years ago cause I was hungover af From night of tequila and bad decisions. My friend at the time didn’t want me to go home like that so I stayed over there and in the morning we watched a porn documentary and there was this clip of a kitten and my friend said “let’s get a kitten!” And we shared her for a month before my friend told me I could keep her for myself so ^^ (well i was the one who paid for Her at the SPCA anyways)

3) both of my parents have almost died. My mom had a tubal pregnancy and she was bleeding out for like 6 weeks. And my dad had an I beam fall 22 feet and landed right on him. If he wasn’t wearing his hard hat he wouldn’t be here and I tear up a little every time I think about these things :(

4) I have 2 tattoos. One is of EXO on my left hand I got almost 2 years ago and the other is a kingdom Hearts symbol I got about 5 years ago ^^ that’s on my right wrist.

5) I’ve been living with depression for 12 years. I have tried things but I’m not in a dark place as I was before. Life is looking good. I mean I still have days where I cry and question my existence but for the most part I’m getting a little better.

6) I’m an artist. I draw, paint, sing, dance, act, write, photograph, model, cook… basically anything involving art and creating I love.

7) I’m a gamer girl. Always have been. Whether it’s on the PS2, PS3, DS, PSP, Xbox… I game. I’m a nerd.

8) I’m pansexual. But I’ve always told people here I was lesbian cause the boys here all all fuckboys. And I don’t mess with fuckboys. Yet I have always had a thing for both, I just didn’t want guys up in my grill. You feel me?

9) My hair is long. Past 2 feet and it’ll keep growing. People envy me and say “wow your hair is so long” thanks. I grew it myself 😎haha my cousins always run their fingers through it, and I love when people play with my hair but nobody ever does :( I don’t have a sister so I find new hair styles and do my own thing myself.

10) I have no allergies. None. My body is simple and amazing ok. The closest thing I was tested to be allergic to was mustard and I put that shit on everything!

Tagging; @derp-yeoll 💕 @beginmv 💕 @fluffyhunnie 💕 @baekhyuntella 💕 @chenbaekery 💕 @sehunnified 💕 @death-by-jongin 💕 @yixingsweetheart 💕 @glamforus 💕 @thickdicksuho 💕 @smhsehun 💕 @mochibaeks 💕 @minseokslilmochi 💕 @fyeahchanyeol 💕 @royalnini 💕 @dreamybaeks 💕 @kingkyungsoo 💕 @bulba-suho-r 💕 @poo-han

me-ish

tagged by the cutie @every-flavored-bean


Nickname: jaci is actually a nickame, also ciara, jacinha, etc

Relationship: my relationships are with korean dramas and korean pop music

Favorite greeting: YO BRUH

Favorite color: black

Lipstick or chapstick: lipstick

Pets: i have a dog called peludinho and a cat named aegon I

Last song I listened to: hate - 4minute

Last movie I watched: Barry (2016)

Favorite TV Shows: fringe, community, battlestar galactica, pushing daisies, the get down, w two worlds, parks and rec

First Fandom: supernatural i guess

Top 3 Characters: kara thrace, jason todd, finn

Top 3 ships: finnrey or finnpoe, spirk, westallen

Hobbies: trying not to die, giffing things, watching korean dramas, drawing, fixing stuff, i used to paint too but nowadays… meh, needing constant validation

Books I’m currently reading: i’m trynna read dune again but my ADD is fucking with me these days

Favorite Place: i think i dont have one

i’ll tag @bodhjrook @lesbianpoisonivy @binoctis @baekhyuh @capcassianandor @rookbodhi @jawnbaeyega @clarkent etc sorry i’m lazy (do it only if u want ofc)

To the K that saved me,

I wrote a letter in November about telling the boy I liked how I felt and how he didn’t feel the same way. I sent my letter to the world, begging for someone to tell me how to move past that. And you responded K. You told me how beautiful and vulnerable my feelings were; how brave, courageous, and special I was. You told me things I could not see and things I refused to believe. You told me I would survive. And I did.
My fellow K, you saved me in more ways than you’ll ever know or understand. You said the words I so desperately wanted to hear from friends but never heard. So thank you for answering my letter to the world. Thank you for providing me with the words I needed to hear. And thank you for reminding me never give up hope on love, or myself.

All the love,
a K that needed some time to realize she too would survive ♡

When I am feeling especially weak I read Mary Oliver. This is when I want to reach the nurturing aspect of my soul. When I need to be reminded my simplicity is not an ailment but a gift. Somewhere I can be found in the trickling melodies of water reeds, the lattice work of rocks, the spidernets of stars that are nothing and everything, but cold and white and hot and pouring something down on even the loneliest of creatures that huddle nameless in their down or fur. In this simple world. This is when I feel the ghost of myself, starving, frail, captured by the necessity of the world to end all things that lived. But she reminds me even the neck of the goose is never bitter. The fox, the hare do not feel pity in their bones, for the winter when their life is escaping by that pale blue sweeping shadow. But there are times, as so much now, that I feel so wounded beyond the natural aspects of living and dying, and the physical remnants of this world. What persists is a deeply wrong feeling, a fraud in the shapes of things. A deep vibration as if I had been struck by the prow of a renegade vessel. And that instead of myself, this physical, weak body, the world had been shattered, yet insisted on persisting with its filigree of cataracts. And somewhere, in the most sacred space my soul, where it is sleeping or nestled in metaphysical repose, lies leaking some vital ichor, and like the pressure of an ailing galaxy, I feel the beginning of the entire universe losing its life. A star become cold, and dies. My soul, becomes a dead object within a form that is lost and strange and irreparably connected to that which it no longer understands.

10

march in portsmouth, new hampshire 1.21.2017

the city blocked off the main square/surrounding roads for us to peacefully protest. we had until 2pm, then they needed to open the roads back up, which was understandable, and i was so humbled to see that many people unite peacefully. i was lucky enough to exercise my free speech with my sister & sis-in-law by my side. afterwards, we took our signs to the bars to watch the rest of the world do their amazing thing. we only got questioned by one older white male about our sign (see bottom middle photo), i had to step back because i was ready to lose my shit, which would have accomplished nothing!  but britt talked with him so effectively to see our point of view, i was in awe over her brilliant candor. thankfully fellow bar patrons had also just come from the march and we joined in on a circle sing along <3 

New Years

I made a promise to myself for the New Year and the rest of my life, to be as happy as I can be. To change what I could change and don’t dwell so much on the things I can’t. To challenge myself to seek happiness, to follow happiness.

It’s been a few weeks so far in this year and this is the happiest I’ve felt. It’s the happiest I felt because in such a short time, I’ve felt myself further become the person I wanted to be and needed to be in order to survive in this world.

I love the people in my life and I’m actively choosing to love them whole heartedly.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.