When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.
There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.
But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.
You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.
It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”
Purity culture tells you that once someone says or does something, they can never go back on it. That’s a goddamn lie. While it’s true that some remain unrepentant and never change their ways and continue to harm others, it’s important to allow everyone the chance to learn from their mistakes. Saying something ignorant isn’t murder. Please stop treating it that way. Let people grow.
Most of us guessed that Navy would end up betraying everyone by the end of the episode.
I don’t think most of us expected that having her go from this:
would be really good for Lapis’ mental health.
And despite certain people’s fears about certain story boarders… this was actually very much in character for her. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that Lapis has always been cynical, even in her pre mirror days. After she escaped she went from cynical to detached and apathetic. Not an unexpected defense mechanism for someone who was trapped in an inanimate object for 6,000 years. But she has made progress. She trusts Steven and Peridot. Enough not only to express her concerns, but to essentially make a confession.
Life on Earth is really confusing. It took me a long time to get use to it. I’m still getting use to it.
Given everything that’s happened to her on Earth, it’s only natural that she’s having a hard time adjusting. But she’s just confessed her biggest insecurity: she knows she’s having a hard time dealing with what she’s been through, while having to get use to to living a normal life on the planet where her greatest traumas happened. Before the rebellion she would have done her job and left for the next planet, Earth having been a distant memory by this time. But now she can never leave. Earth has to become home.
She wants to move on, but feels guilty about how difficult actually doing that is.
So here comes this I-Insta-Love-All-Things-Earth ruby, who seems freakishly well adjusted from the moment she crashes face first into the planet. Never mind that she was lied to not once, but twice, by the crystal gems. Never mind that she was blasted out into space and abandoned while they stole her ship. All is instantly forgiven and she just wants to be a part of their happy family.
Worse yet? The people Lapis cares most about just buy it. They go right along with it as though Navy’s behavior is perfectly normal. It took time for Lapis to even begin to be okay with the idea of living in Earth and forgiving the crystal gems- she’s still working on it, and it’s painful. She’s worked so hard for every inch of progress she’s made, and here’s someone who’s seemingly able to move on the same day they got to Earth.
I just don’t get it. Why is it so easy for her when it was so hard for me?
So when the perfectly well adjusted Navy turned out to be a gleeful sociopath gleefully hell bent on revenge, everything fell into place.
Navy’s sudden but inevitable betrayal was the best thing to happen for Lapis’ mental health to date.
So what’s the take away from this? 1) People react differently to trauma. 2) Just because someone seems well adjusted doesn’t mean they are. 3) It’s okay to take a long time to heal from your traumas. It’s okay for it to be a constant work in progress. It’s okay not to be okay.
And at the end of the day, that realization can almost feel like happiness.
So I thought I’d make a list of shit that I couldn’t cope with it not having:
-Blue and Ronan are played by Amandla Stenburg and Reece King
-Noah needs to be a faded glittery ghost child, he needs the glitter that’s the most important part
-the “murdered murdered remembered” scene
-everything needs to be aesthetic and pretty
-Cabeswater needs to look pretty not some ugly cgi shit
-the iffy maybe slightly problematic stuff that ronan said would preferably be excluded
-the wardrobe needs to be good, the boat shoes cannot be excluded
-THE MURDER SQUASH SONG
-300 Fox Way has to be so busy and cosy and psychic-y
-I want Ronans love affair with his car to be captured in excruciating detail I fucking love Ronan and his car
-it needs to be shown that Ronan is completely and utterly in love with Adam but shown in a soft light and pretty and also Fire and sex and just you know
-Ronan and Noah’s friendship
-When Gansey and Blue kiss but don’t kiss on the mountains I loved that scene so much
-“I’m always straight” “oh man that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told”