And here we go, the last part of the Prince AU! Get ready for a wall of text, this is about 50% longer than the other parts (oops). Anyway, this has been such a fun series to write. You can find links to other parts here: 1, 2, 3. Enjoy! (You + Kang Daniel)
“(Y/N), do you like me?”
oh my god no nO NO non non ono noono nO NO NO what do i s ay oh myg od
“Uh, no I don’t, weirdo,” you nervously laughed, backing away from him, turning your face away from him so he couldn’t see the blush that was running to your cheeks
Daniel stood up, eyes curving playfully, his gaze boring into you
“Hmmm… I heard everything, though, (Y/N),” he walked closer and closer to you, you carefully backing up in response
What the hell does he think he’s doing right now oh my god
“What did you hear? You must be hearing things, I never said that I like you, you should get your ears checked out,” you replied, unable to meet his strong gaze
“There are different ways to say you like someone… and I heard,” Daniel began, poking your cheek, “someone here saying they wouldn’t mind marrying me… at all,” he finished, smirking
Suddenly, you had a sudden rush of confidence, standing up straight and looking Daniel right in the eye
“Well, last time I checked, “wouldn’t mind” doesn’t mean the same thing as “want to”, in fact all it means that I’m completely neutral about marrying you mister,” you replied, wiggling your eyebrows at him, walking right past him to take a seat on the bed
You were too focused on stopPING YOUR OWN HEART from exploding out of your chest to notice Daniel’s quiet “oh” in response to your comeback
And Daniel was having problems of his own: for some reason, he was… disappointed by your response
Suddenly, he didn’t want to talk with you anymore or finish his homework/lesson with you, and silently walked to his own end of the bed, climbing under the comforter, resting his head on the pillow to face away from you
He honestly felt like punching something or slamming his body against the bed but willed himself to complete stillness, not wanting to communicate his feelings to you in any way
He didn’t realize how excited and happy and built up he had gotten when you had whispered to him, thinking he was asleep
And now he knew he shouldn’t be mad, but here he was, unable to talk to you for some reason
You were shaken up as well, on the opposite side of the bed, and climbed in without a word, confused as to why Daniel had suddenly stopped talking to you… was he angry?
You laid down there, unable to fall asleep for some reason sometimes sneaking glances at Daniel’s huge curled up body
You fell into sleep, emptily staring at him from afar, confused about what was happening
Daniel, on the other hand, was unable to rest and forget about the night’s previous events
He tossed and turned in the dimly-lit room, sometimes facing you, looking at your sleeping face
Why am I feeling like this…
He silently raged at himself, never having felt this way before, before one clear and frightening thought entered his mind
I wanted her to like me.
That was it. That’s the entire explanation, and he still struggled to understand why he wanted that
Daniel fell asleep out of exhaustion, his last thoughts before he drifted off being a complete mess
zzzz good night you two
The next morning, you groggily opened your eyes, only to find yourself face to face with Daniel’s shirt
It took a couple seconds for you to process the position you were in: all snuggled up in Daniel’s chest, his arms holding you against him
oh my gOD WHAT HE WHAT IS HE DOING HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
You two slept in the same bed literally every night, and this had never once happened in all that time
Keep in mind the bed is huge, and you two are all the way shifted to one side, leaving the other side completely empty
Nevertheless, you couldn’t will yourself to move out of Daniel’s grasp, you wanting to stay in this position… for as long as possible
You didn’t make a move, and closed your eyes again
In your logic, you two were on your side of the bed, so whatever happened wasn’t because of you, so you just went with it
You had no idea that Daniel was also awake and pretending to be asleep LOL
He was equally shocked when he woke up; he had no idea how he ended up in this position over the night, but he found himself enjoying the feeling of your body warming him up
He hoped you wouldn’t feel his heart racing, your face right on his chest
And the both of you just laid there, trying to keep yourselves perfectly still, secretly appreciating the other’s presence as much as possible
Y’all dumb af lol
You two would have just laid there forever until you turned into corpses, if not for the intercom interrupting your peaceful silence
“Prince Kang, Miss (Y/L/N), please wash up and join the family for Lunch at noon.”
that dAMN security system… the Queen and King are probably watching us like we’re characters in a movie, deciding to “wake you up” now
You both twitched in shock from the noise, sitting up in the bed, eyes finally meeting one another (and you two were both pretty much wide awake by now lol)
“Oh- um hey,” Daniel greeted you, the first words he had spoken to you since last night
You cleared your throat, “hey, good morning”
It wasn’t every day you saw Daniel at a loss for words – he was quiet and you two just looked at each other before getting up, mutually agreeing to pretend like last night and this morning never happened…
…or so you thought.
You were on your way out of his room, mumbling that you would go wash up first, when you heard Daniel’s voice call out from behind you
You stopped, and turned around, to come face to face with Daniel – when had he gotten so close?
You looked at him, not having time to say anything, when his bunny teeth poked out from between his lips
“You like me. You totally do.”
wait. what? where was this coming from…
This time, you had nothing to say to Daniel, and just blankly stared at him, waiting for an explanation
Daniel smugly smirked at you, before continuing
“Maybe you don’t realize it, but you totally like me, I just get this vibe from you,”
“What are you babbling, get ahold of yourself man” you said, kicking his leg and running away
You didn’t know what Daniel was trying to pull here, and honestly he wasn’t sure himself
He just wanted not to be awkward with you, and for things to go back to normal – and that meant teasing you, even if it was over something that wasn’t… confirmed
And maybe, he was hoping to himself that it was true, and telling you that you liked him made him take his mind off the fact that there was a possibility you didn’t, serving as a source of comfort for him
Over the next couple weeks, you could count on Daniel to catch literally any small action you did and turn it into a “you like me” thing
Every night he would set up a pillow barrier between you two, claiming that other night that you jumped him and he was trying to “protect” his “purity”
Even if your hand slightly touched him for one reason or another, he would get all on your case about that
“OH I CAUGHT YOU!!!” or “What can I do, I’m so charming, even you couldn’t resist me”
Sometimes he’d purposely set you up, asking if you wanted some of his drink, and when you agreed he’d tease you for sharing a drink with him
Most of the time you were just too done to respond to him, only managing an eye roll or glare
Ong and Jaehwan saw all of this happen, and would give Daniel the "really bro” look every time (just to go unnoticed by him)
To them, it was obvious that all this teasing was just a sign that he had a huge crush on you (which they had picked up a while ago)
They’d whisper about Daniel right in front of him lmao
“Daniel is good looking, but really bad at dating”
“I have no idea what he’s doing”
“What a freak”
“It’s funny how he claims (Y/N) likes him over the dumbest things but he can’t realize he likes her over the same teasing he does to her”
“That’s dumb Daniel for ya”
Daniel was really like a little kid, unable to figure himself out
He was the type to tell someone directly when he liked them, but he hadn’t seemed to have figured out his feelings for you… weirdo
So you were stuck with all this teasing, but you were in too deep in your own feelings for him that you didn’t even care at this point LOL
Everything was stuck in this strange limbo between friendship and dating until one day, when you were to take a multi-day trip to attend a competition for one of the clubs you were in at school
And of course, Daniel made this big deal about you going to miss him
“If you get too sad while I’m not there with you, feel free to call me or anything (Y/N), I’ll make sure my phone is always turned on for you, I wouldn’t want you to be sad on your trip,” he teased, poking your cheeks (he tended to do that a lot lol)
The line between joking and serious was completely blurred at this point, and for the time being you didn’t make an effort to clear it
“Sure thing, fella, I could say the same to you,”
You went on your trip, and on your end it was for the most part uneventful
After all, you were already self-aware of your emotions for him, and you had already come to terms with missing him for a few days
but the case wAS DIFFERENT FOR MR. KANG HERE
He had laughed at his own jokes over sending you off, but once you had left, he was an absolute mess
That afternoon at the coffeeshop, Daniel barely spoke a word to Ong and Jaehwan, and kept checking his phone and putting it back in his pocket over and over again
After a while, Daniel couldn’t take it anymore, and told Ong and Jaehwan that he had to leave
“I think I’m feeling sick, I have no idea why, my head hurts for some reason, I’m going to go home early today guys”
Jaehwan and Ong already knew that if they told Daniel he liked you, he would just deny it and tell them they were crazy
This one, he had to figure out on his own
Daniel couldn’t focus at all; when he arrived back at the palace, he had no idea what to do
For some reason, he couldn’t remember what he used to do after school before you lived with him
He tried playing computer games and eating food but couldn’t stop checking his phone
“She definitely misses me, why isn’t she texting?”
He even checked his temperature, trying to find the cause of the weird feeling that was taking over his body
He flopped on his bed, staring at his phone and flailing his limbs around because he’s strange
Daniel found himself mindlessly tapping his phone to almost call you multiple times before catching himself and stopping
But on one attempt, he failed to stop himself and the call went through, unbeknownst to him LOL
“Hello?” Your voice called out from the other line
wa w ahat (Y/N) how is she here what why is she on the call
He quickly came to the wrong conclusion, that you had finally called him, quickly getting cocky again
“Ah, (Y/N), looks like you finally caved in and called me, I know you couldn’t resist, you totally missed me, but what can I expect if you like me so much,” he cackled out
You were, obviously, extremely confused as to what was happening
“Daniel? I didn’t call you though,” you replied
“Yes you obviously did, Miss (Y/N)”
“Daniel. Literally check your phone, you’re the one who called me, if anything, according to your own logic, this means you are the one who misses me and you like me, idiot”
wait, what? Daniel checked his phone log, the outreaching arrow indicating that he was the one who had started the call, his eyes nearly popping out of his head when he saw the symbol
He sat there in silence, shocked, still on the call
“Daniel? Are you still there?” your voice reclaimed his attention
“yeah,” he responded, shocking you – in that one word, you heard softness and vulnerability
“Uh- are you okay? Did something happen?”
Without thinking, Daniel finally let loose the words that had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for so long, shocking the both of you
“I think I like you, (Y/N).”
Everything was becoming clear to Daniel – how had I not figured this out earlier? You’re literally such a fool, he thought, scolding himself
More confidently this time, he repeated himself
“(Y/N). I definitely like you. I miss you too.”
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is happening now, Daniel I’m literally on a bus right now,” you quietly laughed into the phone, hoping the sounds of the bus were too loud for others to hear your conversation
Hearing your laugh made Daniel’s heart literally flutter, his feet kicking his bed in happiness
Everything was finally making sense, and that was in itself comforting
“Sorry I didn’t tell you before, (Y/N), I literally just figured it out. Like 30 seconds ago,” he giggled back at you
“You’re so dumb; this whole time you were the one making fun of me and telling me that I was the one who liked you, you fool”
“Well, I mean, you do, right? Like me?”
“No, I don’t, and now I’m going to tease you about liking me for months!” (you couldn’t hold back at this momentary revenge on him)
But Daniel felt his heart drop at your answer
“Wait, you don’t? But- but you always stare at me and joke with me and we’re just perfect together you have to like me!” Daniel cutely protested, and you completely gave in – you were a total sucker for him
“I’ve literally liked you since that holiday party months ago, don’t even I’ve deadass been waiting for a sign from you since forever” you replied, unintentionally confessing more than you had intended
“Wait what? Since the party? Oh my god, you’re SO into me, and I’m never going to forget it”
“Ugh I’m hanging up, I can’t believe I told you that,” you said angrily, but Daniel heard the smile in your voice
“Okay, we can continue this juicy information session later then, dumbo”
“I’M LEAVING BYE”
“…never call me that again or I will end you”
“I thought you were leaving? Can’t seem to end the call with me? You really are in too deep girl”
“Shut up I’m going now” you hastily hung up
And the both of you just sat in your respective locations, with huge grins covering your faces
Not once could you two have a prolonged nice moment without turning to harass the other… but nevertheless, it felt so right
For the next couple days of that trip, you two called each other every night, but throughout the day solely communicated through those sticker emojis on the text message app (wtf)
When you returned to the palace after what seemed like the longest 4 days of both of your lives, Daniel was the first one to greet you, opening the doors of the palace himself, urging the servants to let him do it himself
You began to greet Daniel with a simple “hey”, but he immediately smothered you in a tight hug, making the servants giggle in shyness behind him
“Dan- dude I can’t breathe” you mustered out, your face smushed against his chest
All he did was laugh in response and drag you to his room, quickly closing the door behind him and holding you still in front of him, his hands cupping your shoulders
He looked like a complete puppy, happy and shy and excited at the same time
He still hadn’t said anything, and was still laughing, breathing heavily at the shameless running the both of you had just done
And just like that, you felt his lips on your forehead, there one second and gone the next
“Oh my gosh, that felt as good as I imagined,” he breathed out, sTILL LAUGHING LIKE HE WON’T STOP LAUGHING
You could only look at him, taken completely by surprise, rapidly blinking due to the closeness between the two of you
“Can I do it again?” Daniel asked, finally getting a hold of himself
“Like you asked the first time,” you muttered, feeling your heart dance as he wrapped a hand around your waist, pulling you closer to him
“Good point. Sorry about that. Can I do it again though?” he cockily asked
You snatched up some confidence you didn’t know you had, and pecked his lips in response, making the both of you pink
“Um- I couldn’t reach your forehead,” you sheepishly explained, leaving Daniel the one in shock this time
“Oh, sorry, I should’ve asked,” you apologized to Daniel, confused at what he was silently thinking
“No. It’s fine.” he rasped back at you, his eyes changing to something more… intense, before nodding at himself and simply embracing you in a hug, patting your hair with one of his hands
“I’m glad you’re back,” he mumbled into the top of your head
“I was only gone for a couple days, Dan”
“Still cmon you missed me too,” he prodded, slightly nudging your leg with his knee
“Yes I am aware”
“I mean, not like I had to ask, you’re the one who’s liked me since the holiday party, jeez”
You stepped away from him in response
“Oh, you wanna go there? Really? You’re the one who confessed over the phone after calling me and proceeding to claim that I was the one who called and missed you”
Welp, there goes that moment NICE ONE GUYS
And the two of you were all weird again, bickering as usual…
but you wouldn’t have it any other way :’))
The both of you officially dated from then on, making the King and Queen very happy about the development
And yes, they did tell you to begin preparing for grandchildren after you two got married, making you two very embarrassed LOL
You two actually didn’t talk about marriage, but it was looming over your heads
Jaehwan and Ong were relieved that Daniel had finally figured himself out, and they complained to him about all the times he annoyed them over it LOL
You two actually went out alone sometimes now, but for the most part your relationship was the same as before… except for the occasional attempts at romance and… intimacy aHEM
Daniel would do the cringiest things, like say dumb pickup lines and help you put on your shoes, calling you “princess” (which makes sense)
You would be mesmerized or disgusted by these efforts, and frequently made fun of him, but you both just liked each other so much so it didn’t matter much LOL
The King and Queen absolutely adored the two of you, and were incredibly satisfied that their master plan had resulted in fruits of success
They caught you exchanging your first “love you”s and blushes and the Queen literally screamed jfc
(why Daniel said “love you” instead of “thank you” when you passed him the juice at dinner one day was still unknown to this day)
And slowly, over the course of weeks, the both of you drifted together before sleeping, getting closer and closer until one day you both just began falling asleep in the other’s arms, both of you extremely content
And one night, as you two were drifting off together, Daniel’s voice softly called out to you
“Hmmm?” you groggily responded, about to fall asleep
“I already call you my princess, why don’t we just make it official?”
Suddenly, you were wide awake – did… did he just propose to me?
Like you two were already set to have an arranged marriage in the next year according to the parents, but why were these words making you so happy?
“W-what?” was all you managed to get out, a smile already forming on your lips
“(Y/N), you know what I mean. Let’s get married?”
You couldn’t hold back your excited squeal as you pulled yourself into Daniel’s warm chest, quickly nodding in response
A year ago, you couldn’t imagine being proposed to, in the middle of the night, cuddling with the nation’s literal Prince Kang Daniel, but here you were… and now this life seemed not only normal, but necessary
“Okay, sounds good. Good night Princess (Y/L/N),” Daniel whispered, as if he didn’t just propose to you a minute earlier…
A/N: Ahh I hope that ending was alright… guess I wanted to keep it a simple contrast to what happened right before that 😉 This part came out to be longer than the others, but I really wanted to finish it up this time. Hope you enjoyed!
I haven’t been updating as frequently as I am preparing for pre-college things, but I also don’t want to rush so that I can make sure to put out quality writings that I feel confident about. Hope that makes sense!
Thank you once again for all of the patience! I know many of you have been waiting for a while 💖
I remember you telling me when we first met, that everyone eventually leaves. And sitting here now, with you wrapped up in my arms, I’ll never understand for the life of me how someone had you, and all the warmth and love you have to give, and just left. How could someone have had you period, and left without a scratch? If I ever end up in your past, it sure as hell wouldn’t have been me walking away.
If the story was that Nick Robinson, creator of That Youtube Content About Video Games That You Like, employee of That Progressive Games Media Outlet, was being a dirtbag to women, I would be angry at him and sad about yet-a-fucking-nother story of men mistreating women with the expectation that they will suffer no negative consequences for their behaviour. That is not the story. The story is that Nick Robinson has a well-established reputation for being a dirtbag to women among a group of people that includes more than just the women he has been a dirtbag to, but until recently did not include his audience or, as far as I can tell, the people who work closely with him on a regular basis. I am of course still angry at Nick and sad about the way that so many men mistreat so many women, and just as friends of Nick have stated on twitter I think it is unacceptable that the online community around video games continues to be so bitterly hostile towards women. To be absolutely clear on that point, I have no issue with any of the people who have personally had to put up with Nick’s bullshit and have not made public accusations against him. I would certainly not volunteer to be the next Zoe Quinn or Anita Sarkeesian, and I would never ask anyone to put themselves in the way of even one tenth of a percent of the treatment that those two received. I had a very strong emotional reaction to this news, and it’s taken me a couple of days to figure out that it’s not just because I thought Car Boys was really good. It is of course disappointing to learn that a creator you respect is probably a bad person, but it is quite something else to learn that a community of people you respect have known for a while that one of their member is probably a bad person and have seemingly done nothing about it. The news didn’t even come to light because of Nick being a dirtbag to women! The whole thing blew up after a side-barb was thrown in a twitter argument about a completely separate issue. Someone who was annoyed at Nick about something else entirely decided to stick it to him by posting words to the effect of “Yeah, well, everyone knows you treat women terribly.” Of course, everyone did NOT know this, but the cat was out of the bag, and the immediate reactions to the tweet made it clear very quickly that this was not a baseless accusation. A lot of people in games media commented about the news on twitter, in ways that one might expect: condemning Nick’s actions, calling for a better attitude towards women in gaming spaces, admonishing the skeptic trolls demanding receipts for abuse. Austin Walker went off on “soft boy” culture, railing against performative vulnerability and “using softness as an alibi”. HBomberguy acknowledged that stories of Nick’s behaviour had been circulating privately for a while, and pointed to a seemingly out-of-proportion reaction to a crass joke Nick had tweeted several months previously as an indication of how many people were aware of his reputation. It is the response from Nick Robinson’s male peers in the games media space that makes the revelation of his behaviour all the more unpleasant to me. I do not disagree with any of their statements on the matter, nor would I accuse any of them individually of hypocrisy, but as a group I feel like they are absolving themselves of complicity rather than taking responsibility for a serious problem among their colleagues. They have said that it is wrong to pressure people to make private allegations into public ones, and that it is not their place to “come forward with someone else’s story if they clearly didn’t want it out there”, and they are right on both counts. The issue I have is that women did come forward to these men, and did share their stories about Nick Robinson, and the men who heard those stories engaged in exactly the sort of behaviour that they condemn in “soft boys”: they listened, they frowned, they said things like “God, what an asshole! I’ll never work with him again. Men are such scum”, they let the unsaid assumption that they would never do something like that be implied by their condemnations, they promised to keep the information secret, and they proceeded to do nothing until some side beef on social media stirred the issue to the surface. People who work in digital media lead very public lives thanks to the bizarre demands of modern social media, and so their personal disputes and dramas are often shared with an audience of tens or hundreds of thousands. In this context, and in the climate of internet vigilantism that has become prevalent since GamerGate, I understand why none of these men wanted to say anything publicly about what they knew about Nick. Perhaps from the outside I am missing some key detail but it seems fairly clear that there are things they could have done, and did not do, that might have prevented a pattern of abusive behaviour that they knew to be ongoing, without risk of becoming the person who ruined [website’s] relationship with [website]. I am assuming that these men did nothing because some of them have said as much, and because of the reaction of shock and anger from Nick’s closest colleagues. At any point during the months that these allegations were circling in private, any one of the Good Video Games Male Feminists who had been a supportive friend and good listener to a woman on the receiving end of Nick’s sleazy messages could have, for example, reached out to Matt Kessler, or Ben Pack, or Griffin McElroy, without airing any private stories or ruining any professional relationships, and told them to talk to their boy. If you hear that someone on the other side of the world who you’ve never met is a sex pest, you probably shouldn’t try to do anything about it. We have all seen enough internet hate mobs to learn that lesson. If you hear that one of your peers, someone you interact with regularly and share platforms with, someone that you have a professional association with, is a sex pest, you absolutely should try to do something about it. That is the time when just being a good ally and a good listener isn’t enough. If you are part of a peer group you have the power to influence what behaviour is and is not accepted in that peer group. Making general statements about wanting a better place for women in games will not achieve any change if the same people making those statements are content to silently ignore a man who is actively making games a worse place for women. This is the real challenge for male feminists in the 21st century. It is not enough to just be the change you want to see in the world, it is not enough to be a supportive ally. Men need to work to alter the attitudes of other men in male-dominated spaces. I absolutely believe that in this case there was an opportunity for action somewhere between the extremes of publicly airing private stories and silent condemnation, and I am deeply disappointed that none of the men I respect who are peers of Nick Robinson took such action.
there are places i wish i never went to
and things i wish i never said
and people, god,
there are so many people
i wish i never crossed paths with,
so many people who still give me anxiety
every time i hear their names
because of what i went through with them,
so many people who disregarded my feelings
and pretended i didn’t exist,
so many people who wouldn’t have flinched
if i said i needed help and
i wish you knew how much
it makes me appreciate your kindness,
those small gestures that lift my heart
up just a little bit higher,
the formal letters,
“hey, how are you?“s,
the times i felt like nobody cared
and then, like clockwork,
you were there to help me though.
and i wish those people who are soft
realized how powerful they are,
how happy they can make people
with just one gesture
and how many months
it took others to break my heart.
to the people who wonder if their kindness goes unnoticed: it doesn’t
“I’ll see you this weekend!”
This was the last thing my dad ever said to me.
It was right around the end of June, I can’t remember the exact day, that my dad decided he was going to move a couple hundred miles away from the town we had lived in, nearly my whole life. I was already 19 at the time and living in my own place, but I was going through a really dark part of my life. I was very depressed and dealing with an all consuming drug addiction. He offered to let me come stay with him in the new town, which looking back now I see what his way of trying to help me get away from the bad situation I was in. Now being in the midst of my addiction, I made up excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t leave the same day as him. After a few days, we were finally able to compromise. He was going to have to come back the following weekend to pick up the last of his stuff, and I agreed to follow him back down when he came back. My heart shatters every time I think about that day, because it would be the last time I would ever have a conversation with my father. If I had known I would have left that day. And that decision still haunts me to this very moment.
But I digress.
My father was my hero growing up. I didn’t have a mother, so naturally my dad was the one who taught me all the really important stuff. The guy who I shared my whole life with. But my father was also a very close minded, religious man. So coming out to him when I was 17….well to put it lightly, it was the 2nd most excruciating emotion pain I have ever felt in my life, 2nd only to when my dad actually passed away.
My father and I went from speaking every day, to me moving to the other end of the state and not even so much as sending a text to one another for nearly a year. Even when I did move back, things were very different between us. You could physically feel the tension in the air. Unfortunately we were never able to completely reconcile the matter before he passed away a few months after we started speaking to one another again. It was one of those things where we just didn’t talk about it. Not that we pretended it didn’t happen, but just avoided the topic all together.
So back to the day he moves! I help him pack all of his things, we agree on meeting up the following weekend (which I knew him well enough to know that would have been either Friday night or very early Saturday morning, as in around 4:00 a.m.). Everything was looking good. He was ready to go. And despite the tension still between us, I was deeply saddened to watch him drive away. As he drove away down the same road we have driven on thousands of times, he rolled his window down and said “I’ll see you this weekend!”
I would have never in my scariest nightmares thought that would be the last time my dad spoke to me. During the few following weekdays I continued in my addiction while I gathered up all my stuff and waiting for my dad to come back to town. I will never forget the day. It was Thursday night, around 11:30 p.m., I got a call from one of my family members saying my dad was in a motorcycle accident. He rode into a wall and he had no helmet…. while he was being careflighted to Las Vegas, I drove down there with a cousin. At the time, we didn’t know what the extent of his injuries were. And being high when it all happened, I said a lot of things that I pray to god I had never said.
I was still very upset with my father, regarding his reaction when I came out and his lack of effort to mend our relationship after the fact. Without knowing how serious it was, I said things like “I don’t care what happens to him.” After finding out he had been drinking I said “that’s what he gets.”
After the 7 hour drive to get to Vegas, we were informed that he had severed his spinal cord when he hit the wall. He was comatose, with a near impossible likelihood of ever waking up again. For those of you reading, if you have ever seen a loved one, laying comatose in a hospital bed then you can understand that awful, gut wrenching feeling of absolute sorrow. I had never been around anything like this. I had never been to a hospital for anything more serious than a check up. Even at 19 years old, being able to comprehend the medical reasons why he was comatose….actually seeing my father laying in that bed after just talking to him a few days prior… my mind was almost ripped apart at trying to come to terms with what was happening. I had such a flood of sadness and confusion. All I wanted was for him to wake up. I had never wanted anything more in my life at that moment than for him to wake up. My family flew/drove in from all over the west coast in the following days as we proceeded to spend the 4th of July of 2016 in my fathers hospital room, praying he would wake up.
I have never hated fireworks more than hearing them go off while I was sitting in that hospital room, begging my father to wake up. We waiting a few more days before we finally decided to pull the plug.
That day was a reality check, for all of us. That death can come for anyone, at anytime. My dad was only 44 years old. Today is June 10th. It’s been almost a year since that all happened and I still don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with it. There are so many things left unsaid that I would give anything to be able to tell him. But even sitting next to him in that hospital, I was grateful to be given enough time to at least be able to tell my father I was sorry for the way I treated him and that above all else, I would love him forever.
(I’m sorry if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do for this. I have never had the opportunity to put all of this into words before and I thought this was the best blog to do it.)
It was gray and some rain thing. The car’s wipers had trouble giving us clear vision and everything was soppy, muddled, and splayed. I had fallen asleep and had my cheek pressed to the window as she drove. It was cold only in the way that windows hold cold and I let the glass before me fog up and clear, fog up and clear, fog up –
It’s heartbreaking to return to your hometown in the rain. You have to be more attentive. Everything seems foreign and sapped of detail like a hard to find memory. There are surprises and hidden things you never really had to think about before and all the things you relied on some years ago are gone, covered up, or wrong. All this makes you feel age and you’re glad you don’t have to do this trip alone.
She wanted to be married. There was a five year plan and now there isn’t. Her boy that she’d loved since college gradually turned into a squingy man who had simplified his life to a three part routine of alcohol, sleep, and some work following a few heavy bouts with depression. Last I’d seen him we were sharing a gin before the movie theater while waiting for the girls and he mentioned the one distinction he couldn’t help but reminding me of again and again. He’d tell me that there is a difference between wanting to die and being suicidal. You can want to die and not be suicidal. You can be both. You can be neither. You don’t have to be both. I told him I understood. Then the girls came and we picked a movie.
She’s not with him anymore. She mentioned that she left in the worst of it. There was obvious guilt when she described why she left. She tried harder to convince than to portray. When people speak in this way, they lean forward to find some support or reaction. They’re also more emotive. They’re spilling out from themselves. It was like that fucking rain.
During the drive she said that people aren’t supposed to love everything that they love. She said things are never fair and that she didn’t really understand that until our friend’s wedding and there were people dancing, eating, laughing. She said all she thought about were how she wanted to forget this day like so many other days because it brought up thoughts that she had tried so hard to ignore so that she could love him in the way that she had thought she should love him. She said at that point she felt that she didn’t want to know anyone anymore and that she didn’t want to do anything anymore. And oh god, she’d said. That was when she knew that things are never fair and that some people aren’t supposed to love everything they love. She moved out that night. She said that he didn’t even come out from the room to see her leave. He probably couldn’t. She crashed at my place and she slept through an entire day.
We pulled into her mother’s. I had not been here in years. The rain wasn’t letting up so we decided to unload the truck later. We carried some of the bags containing clothes and such. We sat by the heater letting ourselves dry while her mother heated some soup.
Later, she showed me her old bedroom. Her mom hadn’t changed anything. There were unframed pictures stuck up everywhere. There was one of me skinny and not really knowing how to smile. There were posters, awards and trophies, trinkets from travel, a map of Europe with little stars in cities she’d been, and even an old iPod that still worked. She played this song that we’d heard together in high school in the backyard of some friend’s home while sharing earbuds from this same iPod.
I looked at my friend. I didn’t know what to say or tell her. I felt bad that so many of the promises we thought we had with life when we were young just turned out to be some misunderstanding. We sat side by side on her small twin sized bed listening to old music we used to love and forgot. We stared out the window to the wind and the rain. I felt age. I felt it come and go, disappear and glow, and youth flowering from all the lingering bits of it that they couldn’t shake off.
Ok, it’s been a few days since I finished my first reading of the Foxhole Court and I have a lot of Thoughts.
Mostly I have a lot of Thoughts about Andrew Minyard.
So like. We often see broken people in books a lot. We see a lot of characters who have the same kind of traumatic past as Andrew, a lot of other characters who are harsh on the outside but really do care deep down.
And, the vast majority of the time, these harsh and broken people ultimately learn to be vulnerable, or to be gentle, or to let people in, or they have heartfelt confessions about what they’re truly feeling. Or something.
But not Andrew Minyard. And I think that’s really important.
I’m rewatching this arc again and there’s a lot of things I really love about it, but that aftermath of Oiwa’s conversation with Otose is so well done. We’re all familiar with this scene when they’re talking:
We see the cell he’s in burst open and I mean, this scene is awesome! Gintoki is so badass and we’re all ready to see him kick some ass! And I love that within that conversation, Oiwa says that Gintoki wants to stay and Otose just immediately knows that there’s no way in hell that’s true and calls her out on it. Anyway, after some great build up, we’re amped and ready for some action, but what we get is something completely different.
I love this so much!! He’s called a wild animal, we expect to see something wild, but instead, we get a seemingly domestic Gintoki calmly entertaining a bunch of spirits. The contrast is so good!! Gintoki portrayed as a fierce creature capable of destruction in one scene, then in the next, he’s shown being gentle and friendly, able to commiserate with spirits to help send them to Heaven. This is the face of a man that knows exactly what he’s doing and it adds to the dimensions of just how wild of an animal Gintoki actually is.
Bronze medalist Giacometti heartbroken and friendzoned S. Meyer, 10/05/18
Put your hand on your heart and swear on your mother you’ve never imagined the other hottest bachelor of the figure skating scene with the Ice Prince. We still don’t believe you. And as it turns out, Christophe Giacometti has had the same dream, once upon a time.
______ Subscribe to read the article!
“Viktor! Oh my god, I know what you’re reading, oh my god, please, stop right now and let me explain, oh my god, I swear, I never ever ever said such things, that article is fucking stupid, oh my g–”
Viktor waited until his friend stopped his rapid-fire French blabbering and took a deep breath. His best friend called him in the afternoon on Facetime, and his struggle was painful to watch; he kept running his hand through his sandy strands, his eyes were uncharacteristically baggy, and from what Viktor could see he was lying on a hotel bed, but he had clothes on. This had to be an emergency. Christophe never did that.
He went on, slower, but nonetheless flustered.
“Viktor, please, you have to believe me. If Yuuri’s there, tell him not to kill me just yet, or, you know what, I’ll call him myself, this is my fault, I’ll fix it, I’m…”
“The reporter blew it up, I swear, both hands on my ass, the only thing I said was that I’m jealous of your sex life!”
His next plea to calm his friend down got stuck in his throat to escape as a burst of laughter. He dropped his phone as he flopped down on his… their bed, so his friend currently had the same view as him, staring at their ceiling.
“What is so… Viktor Nikiforov, this is serious! Stop it!”
Viktor was clutching his sides and covering his mouth, but this was just too fucking good. However, at a sudden realization he sat up and picked up his phone again, gasping.
“Wait, wait, wait, what’s wrong with your sex life?!”
“Distance, duh?!” Chris frowned. “Have you forgotten, silly, I’m in New York for a photoshoot.”
“Oh! Right, right,” he nodded. “Sorry, I did forget. But hey,” he winked, and that drew a slow smile on his friend’s face. “those pictures will surely make up for it for you two, no?”
“You. Bet. Your. Golden. Ass. They will.” He winked back, but there was still a strange glint in his eyes.
“By the way, I believe you,” Viktor assured him. “Remember you once told me you trust me to tell you the truth? Well… same.”
Christophe looked at him sweet from under his long lashes.
“Thank you. And… uhm, well…”
“I wanted to tell you something else, but then I saw the article, and just ugh… but actually…”
Christophe simply turned the camera to his hand.
The door flew open as Yuuri almost fell through inches of solid wood. Viktor probably should have considered not screaming at the top of his lungs; he would have turned sheepish, seeing Yuuri’s worried expression, but he was just too happy to feel anything else, and he wanted his husband to share that feeling with him.
“Look, Yuuri, look!” he yelled, switching to English, holding up his phone for him to see.
“Oh my god…” Yuuri took the phone in his hands, seemingly involuntarily, and sat down next to Viktor. “Is that… Christophe!”
“Congratulations!” He and Viktor said in unison, smiled at each other, then back at their friend, his reddening face in focus again.
“Thank you both. I love you guys, but I need to go now. Oh, one last thing - remember what you promised for my stag party, Viktor.”
Viktor’s face went suspiciously innocent.
“What exactly did I…”
“That Yuuri here,” Chris winked at him, “will dance for me in his Eros costume.”
With a coy laughter, he disconnected then, and when Viktor saw Yuuri’s annoyed scowl, he tried to put on his best heart shaped smile
“I never said such thing…”
“Didn’t you now.”
Yuuri leaned closer to him, and as he noticed the mischievous smirk reaching his husband’s eyes, suddenly he was glad they were already in such a comfortable place. He gulped, and Yuuri continued:
“What if I said I’ll do it?”
“Yuuri, oh my god.”
“On one condition.”
Their lips were almost touching. Their breaths mixed as they whispered.
“You’ll have to dance with me.”
And yet again Viktor couldn’t control his giggles, killing the mood, but all the happier for it.
i was at my friend's house today and i saw a file on the home page of their family desktop marked "Dear (my name)". i tried to send it to myself to read at home but idk if it worked and i'm so fucking nervous about what the hell is in there. im automatically assuming it was something bad, probably a big angry "things i never said" letter. god. i'm unreasonably upset about it right now.
Hey since you don’t actually know for sure what’s in the file, try not to overthink it too much! For all you know it could be a letter about how much they love you. And even if it is an angry letter, I’m sure it was just a way for them to get some anger out of their system instead of lashing out on you. Just remember that everyone gets angry at each other sometimes. Sometimes we even get angry at our closest friends and people we love but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love them. Obviously you have the right to be a little upset but try to remind yourself that this is just a way for your friend to let off some steam in a way that was not meant to hurt you ❤️
I NEVER SHOULD OF SAID THAT I LOVED YOU I NEVER SHOULD OF SAID A GOD DAMN THING I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND THEN IT WOULD HAVE STAYED, IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE STAYED, I KNOW IT WOULD HAVE STAYED THE SAME
I don't have many words for this but I'd like to request "Minkey in IKEA" ~ and take your time xD
If there’s one question Kibum thinks he’ll never have an answer to, it would be the colour of the sofa for his new home with Minho. Stuck in the sofas and armchairs section on the 2nd floor of Ikea, Kibum has been asking himself the same question for about half an hour and yet he still can’t decide which will suit their new apartment more – white or black. Mind you, there’s still a long shopping list to go through and he has only managed to tick three items off, all of which can’t exactly be considered as necessities.
It’s already been more than an hour since they stepped into Ikea and was overwhelmed by the showroom of what feels like at least 20 different room settings that cover every part of a home. They’re still only at the second section of the mega furniture store where they’ve been browsing through a wide variety of living room furniture combinations in many different styles. As much as Kibum enjoys being so inspired by all the ways he could design their new home, he honestly just wants to make a quick decision right now. With his frustration growing as the minutes tick by, Kibum eventually finds himself defeated and chooses to put his trust in his other half.
“I give up!” Annoyed, Kibum huffs and even throws his hands up in defeat, “Minho, you decide.”
HOLDING HANDS WITH H WHILE NETFLIX PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND HIM TRACING WORDS ON YOUR BACK AND MAKING YOU GUESS WHAT HE TRACED WHILS YOUR HEAD IS ON HIS TUMMY
So it starts out super innocently, with his fingers scratching lightly up and down your back without giving it a second thought, and it feels so damn good you could fall asleep there with your head in his lap.
But then he traces a little heart and it makes you giggle, which makes him smile. You mutter a soft, “You’re so cute,” to which he replies with a joking little “Shhh” and a poke to your ribs.
And then he gets the idea to lift up your shirt a bit so you can feel the skin of his fingertips right against your back, and you could cry it feels so good. That’s when you notice he’s not really scratching anymore. Now he’s tracing something that feels like a letter… And then another letter. You furrow your eyebrows together trying to figure out what he’s spelling, and when you get it you smile softly before saying it aloud. “Angel.”
You don’t even need to look at Harry to know he’s smiling–you can hear it in his voice. “Very good, love, very good.” You giggle, tilting your head a bit to press a kiss to his knee and say, “You’re so cheesy.” He ignores the last sentence and continues.
“Let’s see if you can get this one. Three words, alright?” The minute you hear him say ‘three words’ your heart rate picks up, although you pray to God he doesn’t notice it. The thing is, you’ve never said you loved one another before. Yes you’d been dating a while and yes you knew in your heart that you felt very strongly about him, but were you truly ready to say this?
You’re a bit relieved, however, when he begins spelling out the first word. It’s not the letter “I,” but it is your name. His fingers stop moving when he gets to the last letter, and you furrow your eyebrows again, saying your own name as if it were a question.
Harry nods his head. “Very good. Next word.” The next word is only two letters- an I and an S. Is. “Y/n is?” Harry nods a third time and continues. “Last word, y'ready?” He works slow this time, taking his time and really tracing his fingers as soft as possible, to cause goosebumps to rise on your skin and elicit the prettiest little sighs from your mouth. By the time he finishes the last letter of the word, you can’t stop smiling. You can hardly even get the word out.
Harry smiles, his hand coming up to play with your hair now. “Yes,” he says softly. “All mine.”
You rise up slowly so you’re sitting beside him, taking his face in your hands and pressing the biggest kiss to his lips. You can feel his breathing shift a bit and his mouth is warm and tastes like popcorn and he smells so deliciously like him that you wish you could stay there forever. When you pull away, you’re both smiling and blushing. Yes, you love this guy.
Still, true to form, you shrug. “Well, you may be the cheesiest boyfriend in the world sometimes.” You giggle at his offended little face before continuing. “But yes. All yours.”