You have no idea what it’s like to PHYSICALLY feel your thoughts eating away at you. My head literally aches all the time because I have zero control over my thoughts or my mood swings.
It takes everything in me not to lash out at those I love. Those I know who would be better off without me in their lives, but my fear of abandonment has made me so selfish and I cannot bare the thought of them not being around, so my mask is always on. I can never fully be my true self. And it hurts, it hurts so much and I’m so fucking tired. I’m so tired of the extreme thinking. I’m tired of never being enough. I’m tired of being ecstatic one minute and suicidal the next. I’m tired of overthinking and overanalysing EVERYTHING. I’m tired of the unpredictability and impulsiveness that comes with this shitty disorder. I’m tired of not actually being vacant for pockets of time in my day.
I hate being so dependent and I hate that I know I am? I hate that I’m incredibly self aware and I can see what my illness does to those around me.
I hate being a burden.
I did not ask for this. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I am in chronic pain. The nightmare is constant and it’s never ending.
Okay, here’s the thing, fuck all writing advice that tells you how to do your story or write your scenes, because guess what! THEY ARE NOT THE ONE’S WRITING THE STORY!!! I can not stress this enough, you are the one with the vision for how YOUR story is supposed to go. Only you know how to tell this story. Only you. Fuck anyone who’s like “Prologues are bad, blah, blah blah,” “Don’t kill your main character off early, I feel cheated, blah, blah, blah” or “Starting off with a dream sequence makes me feel like I’ve been lied to” GUESS WHAT ASSHOLES THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE, WE WRITE THINGS TO INVOKE A FEELING, BE IT GOOD OR BAD, ITS A FEELING TO GET YOU TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE CHARACTERS FEEL DUMBASS