I thought I was going to have some deep thoughts running through my head as I hurled the bottle at the wall. I thought I’d linger there after the memory escaped my hands. I thought I would feel different. I thought I would feel new. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that those feelings I thought I would have weren’t there. Was this the closure I so desperately wanted? I didn’t take time to think about what this moment meant to me. I didn’t stop and think about how far I’ve come in my life since he left it. I didn’t take a moment because the past year had been all about taking moments to reflect and grow. I didn’t need to take any more time thinking. There was no moment of clarity. No epiphany. Just me, a friend, and a broken wine bottle.

An Open Letter To Myself

[The following is from my WordPress blog, Thieving Bird’s Thought Process. It’s very personal but I hope someone out there can relate and possibly gain perspective.]

Dear Rachel,

It’s been over a year and a half since you started your transition into becoming a healthier person, inside and out. For the most part, you’ve kept it up. Sometimes, though, you’ve slipped. You’ve stumbled into patterns and bad habits of laziness, apathy, and lack of motivation. It’s understandable and forgivable, because you’re a perfectly imperfect human being.

When you reach these hurdles, these obstacles, it’s important to not lose sight of your goals because those are what keep you moving forward. Most of the time, your ability to bounce back has been incredible. Sometimes though, you’ve been too hard on yourself or given yourself a pity party. Most of all, though, you’ve made excuses to justify why you caving in to these bad habits is okay.

Future Rachel, I’m here to tell you that all of your excuses are bullshit.

One of your biggest hurdles is your “weigh in” days. These are killer. There will be days when you step on the scale and it brings you good news. When this happens, don’t take it as a sign that you’ve “earned” a fattening meal or a lazy day. Take it as a sign that your hard work is doing its job, and that you now have earned the right to step up your game even more. Run farther. Lift one more rep. Drink another cup of water. The bad weigh ins are what really do damage, though. Rachel, know this: there are going to be bad weigh ins, there just are. When this happens, I know you tend to immediately think of what you did wrong and wonder why the number isn’t lower. Guess what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter whether you had too much sodium one day or you’re bloated because you’re close to your period or maybe it’s even a higher number because you gained muscle. Whatever the reason, IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER. Why? Because when you step off the scale, it’s not the end of anything. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s not the end of you. You’re going to want to get angry at yourself and you might even want to cry. I’ve done this. I’ve cried and screamed at myself because I wanted to know why I didn’t see the number I wanted or expected to see. Rachel, you are NOT a number. That scale isn’t going to show you how hard you’ve worked or how strong you are. Only you can do that.

The reason I am writing this letter to you, who is really me, is because you too often forget what this journey is all about. Remember, your actions are not just about looking good, but feeling good. That’s why it’s so important for you to be healthy; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

You know you can push yourself to do more, work harder, and be stronger.

So be that person.

Be the person that does more, works harder, and becomes stronger.

Because you can.

Shaun T's Insanity Program: My Wrap Up (MONTHS OVERDUE, BTW.)

Okay, I apologize. I completely forgot to post to this blog regarding my completion of the Insanity program from BeachBody.

The last time I posted about it, I was telling my followers that I was really struggling with the last two weeks due to a hiatus from the program due to being out of town followed by an illness.

Excuses pushed aside, I finished, and I am proud to announce that to all of you! I am going to do it again this summer to train for the Spartan Beast race I signed up for!