they never end up the way i want

One Last Wish

This is for @leiascully “Resentment” challenge


  You’re sitting alone at the kitchen table, your mind buzzing like a hive.  Full of memories of the first seven years you and Scully spent on The X-Files.  Your memory regurgitating images, conversations, near misses, and almost disasters.  As so often is the case on nights like this, one conversation, one case, one moment in particular is clawing it’s way to the forefront.

  You and Scully were investigating a case centered around a Genie, you being you, you somehow ended up the lucky recipient of three wishes.  Wanting to be sure you were making the right choices, but ultimately to curry favor, you asked the Genie what she would wish for.

  “I’d wish I never heard the word wish before, I’d wish that I could live my life moment by moment, enjoying it for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t.  I’d sit down somewhere with a great cup of coffee and watch the world go by.”

  You were getting a handle on the situation now, make the wishes more about the fulfillment of others not just yourself and you’d succeed.  The first two wishes you had fouled up, but the third one you weren’t going to waste.  Oh no you were going to plan it, having the wording perfect.  You were finally going to get that elusive happy ending for you and Scully.

  When the Genie asked, “ Are you ready?” you weren’t filled with a single doubt, this was going to fix everything for all of you.

  “How bout I tell you what I’m thinking first?”

  “Go for it.”

  “I’d want you and Scully to each get what you desire most.  For you it would be freedom from your mark.  For Scully it would be to have a child.  Our child.  Is that something you can do?”

  “You wish it, I can do it.”

  “OK well I wrote it out, so I guess I’ll, I’ll just read it then.”

  “I can hardly wait.”

  “I wish for you and Scully to have what you both desire most in life right now.  For you, your freedom from the mark of the Genie.  For Scully I wish for her and I to conceive a child.  A child who is born happy and healthy.  A child who’s life is filled with unending love, great successes, boundless intelligence, and prosperous joy.”

  “Done.”

  As quickly as she had dropped into your life she was gone, leaving you full of questions.  Questions like was Scully pregnant now from the previous encounters you two shared, or would it be the next encounter that sealed the deal.  Why bother wondering you’d thought to yourself when you can go make it happen.

  Your mind is yanked back into the present as you feel tears begin to form along your lashes.  You never told Scully.  You never will tell Scully.  The resentment and hatred you feel towards yourself is enough.  Like tiny little sandbags coursing through your veins forever weighing you down.  Keeping you rooted at the very bottom of the darkness.  Just out of reach, always keeping Scully at bay lest she ever find out the truth.

  Not to say you don’t blame the Genie herself because you do.  The resentment you feel towards her lays thick like tar in the back of your throat, hot and sticky, you taste it everyday.  What a fool-hearty mistake to think that if she had got exactly what she wanted, she’d ensure you would too.  But it didn’t work like that, she was simply the conduit.  A mere pawn on life’s chessboard.  Such hubris to think you alone could provide a miracle.  Looking back you understand it all, one cannot simply alter fate expecting no repercussions.  The universe will always come calling, demanding payment for what you stole. 

  Still, sometimes you torment yourself and think if only I had wished all those things to be true with us.  For Scully and I to be his parents, to be the ones raising him, loving him, watching him succeed.  If only, if only.  As your tears fall to the kitchen table you can her the Genie’s voice mocking you,

  “You should have been more specific.”

youtube

It’s been one and a half year since I’m in the Inazuma Eleven fandom.
Yes, it’s not a lot of time. Some people have been here for way more, but I’m glad I ended up being in such a wonderful fandom!

I have no words to describe how much I love this series. How much they mean to me. How much they’ve done for me. How much they changed me in a good way. How many amazing people I met and how wonderful fandom I found.
I made this video a long time ago, but never upload it here, because back then I didn’t know people who would like to watch this. Now I know there is and I want to share it with you, guys, because for me it’s like you’re my family. I just feel like I should tell you this. 
One big thank you to all of you for choosing Inazuma as one of your fandoms as well. For posting, rebloging and sharing things about this amazing anime.
I love you. Every single one of you. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for being here. 

I tried combing every season of the series (Ina11, Go, Chrono Stone and Galaxy) in this amv and I think it turned out pretty good. (yes, it could be better but back then I just started making amvs, so it’s not the best, but still…)
You may ask why is there lyrics on the screen? Well, just listen to the song, read the words and watch the scenes. You’ll understand!
Hope you like it. This is for all of you!

my heart is falling apart
Why write it down again
Lost from the start
Why did i come this way
If i didn’t know what to say
I lost again
I lost again
Won’t you pleas stop pretending
Just be your self and open up
Your whole life is not pretend
Just live on
Just live on
Hold what you want close in your arms
With or with out a start
I hope it never ends

Edgar Allan Poe For the Signs
  • Aries: "Years of love have been forgot
  • In the hatred of a minute."
  • Taurus: "Let me glimpse inside your velvet bones."
  • Gemini: "There is no exquisite beauty… without some strangeness in the proportion."
  • Cancer: "Love like mine can never be gotten over."
  • Leo: "I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched."
  • Virgo: "…a route obscure and lonely,
  • Haunted by ill angels only."
  • Libra: "But my heart it is brighter
  • than all of the many
  • stars in the sky."
  • Scorpio: "All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."
  • Sagittarius: "Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of it’s constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."
  • Capricorn: "I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind."
  • Aquarius: "These were days when my heart was volcanic."
  • Pisces: "And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy."

I never really thought that friend break-ups were a thing. Yeah I’ve heard people say ‘we used to be friends’ or ‘we don’t talk anymore’ but I’ve never actually pondered the ending of a friendship.

I’ve witnessed girls going through breakups, and they always talk about the same things. The way one person stops showing interest,
how they talk less, fight about stupid things, stop feeling the spark. I’ve never felt that before. Never watched a person gradually lose interest in me, text me less, stop wanting to spend every second with me.

Never until now. And god, it f*cking hurts.

Who would have thought my first heartbreak would come from my longest standing friendship? But that’s the way life works, isn’t it? You watch the one good thing you have slowly slip away until you aren’t even sure why but suddenly it’s almost out of your grasp and there’s nothing you can do but wait.

So you feel yourself waiting. Waiting for the texts to stop all together, waiting for the hangouts to become a thing of the past. Waiting for that final blow. But nothing could hurt more than the realisation that there will be no 'final blow’. Because it’s already over. And you’re not exactly sure when, or how, but you know if you stop trying now then everything will cease.

And who can you blame but yourself? And do you know what the worst part is? You can’t even be mad at the other person, because what have they done except lose interest in you? It sucks when all you want is to be by their side, to call them and text them and see them everyday, but they’re done with you. And how can you be any more than you are now, I guess you’ll just never be enough.

So you’re left mourning the end of a friendship, without even truly understanding what’s been lost.

And now your heart is f**king broken but who would even understand because are friend break-ups even a f*cking thing?

in the aftermath of things, you never did come after me. we didn’t waste time with hopeful antics, never said goodbye. you just woke up one day and decided I wasn’t what you wanted and two weeks later I pulled myself out of bed to live and breathe in a world where I don’t end up with you. the realization that I could have never been what you needed- hurts. but I also know that the things meant to happen for me, will always find a way. when you didn’t call, when you didn’t fight for me, I realized there was no point in stepping foot out onto a battlefield where I’m outnumbered. and so I didn’t. i sold myself to the idea that I’m better without you until I started to believe in it. and today, I believe in it whole heartedly. it took me a long time to get here and maybe I could never get back who I was on the day I loved you the most, but I also know that better things are coming. and I’m finally brave enough to open my arms for new beginnings.

What Your Sign Has Taught Me
  • Aries: People are forever moving, and just because you're content with being stagnant doesn't mean everyone else is going to be too.
  • Taurus: People are going to do what they want to do at the end of the day. No amount of "warnings" or "Oh but I love yous" are going to stop them.
  • Gemini: Words are more than just words when they are articulated with passion and emotion. Be careful how you use them.
  • Cancer: There is an extremely thin line between a "joke" and blatant mocking and insulting. Sometimes, we cross it without even thinking, and that's simply unhealthy.
  • Leo: You should never apologize for dressing up, or spending money the way you want to, or being happy. If you're not hurting anyone, you should do as you wish.
  • Virgo: Some people just like to complain. It helps to take the edge off. So when they don't have anything to complain about, they might just pull something out of thin air.
  • Libra: As far as your first instincts about people go, you should trust them, at least a bit. Maybe she really is fishy, or maybe he can be a real douche. Just keep it in the back of your mind.
  • Scorpio: Just because someone can hold an intelligent conversation, talk with you all night, and make consistent, beautiful eye contact, doesn't mean they're hopelessly in love with you.
  • Sagittarius: There is still love in "tough love." While it can hurt, it does not create the absence of caring, nor should it.
  • Capricorn: It's okay to look up to others. Sometimes, through admiring another person's qualities, we can learn more about where it is we would like to someday be.
  • Aquarius: Although many people do not change, a change is possible. Sometimes it's just waiting for the right moment to develop.
  • Pisces: Don't confuse an emotional, sensitive person for a good friend or a good lover. Someone can be totally self-pitying and not care one bit how you feel.
Just Pretend    *NSFW*

Summary: Reader wakes up from a dream about her ex; all hot and bothered.

Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 1470

Warnings: NSFW; Smut; Masturbation (male and female); Unprotected sex (just use a condom); some angst.

A/N: Okay, so I originally posted this on a side blog that I created (@bbuckmebarnes) but I decided that I will not be running it anymore as I don’t want to end up neglecting one and I focus more on this one anyways. SO. I’m moving the one piece that wasn’t so terrible here! Again, feedback would be great!

Keep reading

By now you’ve probably realized that I’ve stepped outside of your door into a world where I don’t end up with you. And nothing was harder that having to drag my feet places they didn’t want to go. I never wanted to live and breathe in a world I didn’t get to share with you. And in the aftermath of everything we were, I woke to the realization that I could have never been meant for you. After all our hands never fit together the way I wanted them too. And you never cared enough to read my poems, not even the ones that were about you. At the end of it all, you kept your word in saying that you had not yet learned how to love anything. I should have believed you then. I should have left the morning after you decided my body should come without emotional baggage. And yet I did not. I let you touch me in all the ways you wanted. I became woman enough for you to touch and sunk back into myself on the days when you decided I was too hard to love. I tried to make myself smaller for you. I became less vocal, started to shift my weight towards that of a woman who gave everything to a man who didn’t deserve any of it. And I am sorry for how much I gave to you. I am sorry for the way your bones crushed beneath the weight of all the things I wished we’d become. I am sorry for loving you at a time where it was not what your hands were reaching for. I don’t blame you for it because you were honest from the beginning about all of the ache in your upbringing and I should have listened. I should have hushed the voice of that naive girl who wanted to fix all you broken. Most of all, I am sorry for not leaving sooner. For trying to mold you into someone ready to commit. For trying to make you want the same things out of this as I did because it turns out- we were never on the same page. Your hands were just looking for a place to rest upon, they were never looking for a love to hold on to.

my mad fat dairy is important because where else is there a show, and I mean a show that appeals to a major audience, that the big girl gets the guy just for being herself and making plenty of mistakes along the way and their entire road of strangers to friends to lovers is never because of a makeover or because she lost weight or because she changed herself in anyway. he ends up falling in love with her because of her and even when she brings up the fact of how other people might look at them BECAUSE they look like such an “unconventional couple” he tells her he will love who he loves and no one, not even her, can take that away from him and I just have so many feelings about this show I never want it to end

I just wanted to hear you say you were sorry, sorry for hurting me, sorry for lying to me, sorry for not trying your best for me. I just wanted to know that you were sorry too that we didn’t last, that we both ended up heartbroken, that you’re always on my mind and I’m never on yours. I just wanted to know if you will ever be sorry for leaving me the way you did, for making me feel like I shouldn’t exist, for making me love you the way that I did.
—  t.i // Are you sorry yet?

My dear gay sons, 

I want to send a hug to those of you who dress “feminine” or “girly”, put lots of effort in their appearance and/or use make-up. 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Never let anyone make you feel bad for “adding to the stereotype” or being too “typically gay”. You don’t need to act or dress masculine, just to prove that boys can be gay and masculine. 

The burden to end stereotypes lays on people who think in stereotypes, not on you. Keep being yourself, keep expressing yourself any way you like.

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Mom 

PS: And you know what? You look super cute and handsome! 

anonymous asked:

Prompt things: I can never get too much of Hannibal and/or Will having to disguise themselves on the run. Maybe they have to part ways for a little bit and Hannibal tries to make himself over in a way he'd expect Will to really like.

This ended up a bit longer than anticipated, so I put it up on AO3. A bit of angst and fluff and a whole lotta beards and flannel. <3

They said goodbye in Argentina.

“Six months. No more,” Hannibal said.

A year went by with no word.

Will settled in the Florida Keys. He kept his hair cropped close and grew his beard to hide his scar. His skin browned in the summer sun, one boat motor after the next coming to life beneath his hands. Fourteen months after Will said goodbye to Hannibal, Jack Crawford came knocking on his door.

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you were with him.”

“Yes. But I haven’t seen him in over a year.” Will invited Jack in and they sat in the kitchen watching the coffee pot sputter. “Are you going to arrest me?”

Jack frowned. “Should I?”

[continue reading on AO3]

For another anon prompt: If you’re doing any random sketching anytime soon, might I request a steampunk Solas?

I’ve never done steampunk before so I hope this is kinda what you wanted?  If it isn’t feel free to drop another anon in and I’ll try again.  Either way I ended up with a sketch I’m super happy with so all is good :D

I think I might do a full painting of this one, I like it so much <3

If you cannot handle your alcohol you cannot handle me. I am the strongest drink you will ever have and the quickest drug you will ever get addicted to. Like the whiskey you’ve grown to be fond of since you were 16 years old I’ll be there when it feels like nobody else is. I will be what you drown yourself in when you’re overwhelmed with both happiness and sadness, I will be what you wake up wanting and go to bed dreaming of. The first swig of me will leave you wondering if you want more but with each new sip you’ll fall more in love with each taste you get and ask for another shot. But unlike the alcohol you’ve learned to rely on, even when you split ways, I will not come back. One day I’ll wake up and leave and you will go through a withdrawal that doesn’t really end, you just find ways to bury it. But I’ll have scarred you and you’ll never really want whiskey again, just on the nights you miss me most and you can’t fight the urge to do whatever it takes to have the taste of me on your lips again. So when she asks you why you drink yourself to death with whiskey on the days it feels like the worlds falling apart or the days it feels like it’s all falling together? Tell her that the tequila from your trip with her to Mexico, or the Vodka you got in Moscow, or the wine she got you from that Vineyard back east doesn’t make you feel like I did.

And when you’re drunk in your whiskey that’s the only time you feel like you’re home

I fall for those people who make me feel nostalgic on first encounters…it’s missing something that I’ve never even known externally, yet on the inside I feel like I do know, oddly familiar but not–how can you know someone when you’ve only just met them? I romanticize getting close so they can heal the pain I have and how I can heal theirs if they have any… I want to save and be saved. I don’t really want to be someone’s sun who ‘lights up’ their day, I want to be their moon who lights the way out of the dark never-ending nights. Nighttime isn’t so bad though…depth and feelings blossoms during the night, I wanna be their blue I want someone to get lost in my blue or me lost in theirs. I don’t know, it’s just a bunch of daydream sighs

I wanted to take a closer look at what the writers have been doing with Carol’s arc lately, as some things are pretty damn clear to me. 


1. Tobin


We all remember that infamous ‘Tobol” incident. But it is very important here. It shows that Carol tried to open up and be with someone, but it failed
No offense but the so called ‘chemistry’ she had with Tobin was a mere 1% of the chemistry she shares with Daryl. 

The way it ended between them sent a message; Carol does not want to feel anything for him- or for ‘anyone’, for that matter. And she ends up running away.


2. Morgan


Yes, Carol and Morgan have bad history together. But still- he went after her. He showed her he cared- and he genuinely did. Now, I am not saying that it was a romantic attempt from him because it definitely wasn’t. But it’s still important. 

He ran after her, and kept looking for her, never giving up although she made it very clear (multiple times) that she did not want him to help her, and that she wanted to be left alone

Even now that she is at the Kingdom, alone in a house which is far away from everything else, she does not want to see Morgan- or anyone else. 

3. Ezekiel


Ezekiel gave Carol hospitality, food, etc. She trusts him. But she does not want him anywhere near her house. She is exhausted and deeply annoyed every time someone comes close to her. She does not want all the food he is giving her, she does not want him to visit, she simply just wants to be left alone. 
She made it pretty clear that she didn’t want anybody’s company/presence there (even members of Team Family)……

My point is that TPTB have put a lot of effort into Carol’s arc regarding her current state of mind. They have insisted, and they have even made Carol state this herself, out loud, several times. They have showed us multiple examples, and they all lead to the same conclusion; Carol wants to be left alone. 


Really?



4. The exception to the rule: Daryl



After everything that has been leading to it, and all the new spoilers that come in everyday and confirm it even more, we know for a fact that Daryl will be the disruptive element of this arc.

He will come into play, and the repetitive chain of events that previously occurred with Tobin, Morgan and Ezekiel will not happen. 

When Carol sees Daryl, her facial expression will not read “go away”. Her emotions will show. She will be happy - genuinely happy - to see Daryl. So happy that she will even engage a hug with him. She will invite him into her house, cook him dinner, and emotionally open up to him. Her telling him that she can’t lose him = showing him she cares = admitting she has those feeling towards him.

It is exactly the opposite of what she has been doing with everyone else. Why is that? Oh well…. If you can’t see it, nothing could make it more obvious.  
no one ever tells you how badly falling in love can mess you up.
no one wants to talk about how if it all goes wrong you’ll wound up on the bathroom floor with blood stained wrist and blood shot eyes.
no one ever tells you that you’ll end up drunk every weekend because the thought of the way he traced his thumb across your hand or the way he said you’re beautiful made you want to feel numb.
no one tells you you’ll cry yourself to sleep every night wearing his hoodie because it’s the closest you’ll ever be to him again.
no one tells you that love fucks you up inside.
no one tells you.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write // no one told me
Pros and Cons of dating me
  • Pros:
  • •you get someone completely dedicated to you
  • •no risk of being cheated on if you have my heart because no one else interests me
  • •cuddles and hugs whenever possible
  • •free food and drinks
  • •random neck kisses and hand holding
  • •will listen to you talk for hours
  • •tries to avoid pressuring you into things or doing things you don't like
  • Cons:
  • •having to talk to my mom if you want me at your house
  • •dealing with my crippling anxieties and depression
  • •my insecurities never go away and you're stuck trying to lessen them anyways
  • •having to deal with my insane level of clinginess
  • •i'm an idiot
  • •i can't cope with things very well
  • •i'll end up forcing you into things without realizing and hating myself for the rest of my life
  • •i cry way too easily
  • •i don't let go
  • •i'm a piece of rubbish
  • •there are no real pros to dating me
  • •why are you still reading this
  • •i'm really sorry