Summary: Scorpio hates a lot of things and let’s be real—you’re one of them. [#11]
Notes: Crack!fic. This is told in Scorpio’s POV. In first point of view because you know, he wrote this list. Rated T because there’s going to be A LOT of cursing (as we all know, Scorpio doesn’t hold back). Also, this is meant to be a light-read, don’t over-analyze anything or actually take any of these things seriously. And well, I really love writing this because lists are my kind of deal of fun in Sunday afternoons (also I did this kind of idea before in one of my old fanfics and it was really fun so I’m gonna do the same because yay!). With uh, all of that awkwardly said:
Let’s get hating.
THE LIST OF THINGS I FUCKING HATE
#1: Problematic Child
How could you not hate someone who constantly gives you a headache? Pranking me, touching her, turning my rabbit-cut-apples into fucking fish-cut-apples, shitty jokes, touching her—I would punch him hard if I didn’t have a damn chair to throw at him!
For some bizarre reasons she likes those invertebrates. I don’t see what’s to like about them. They smell like the King’s feet, they are useless on lands, they are literally Ichthys but fortunately… with the lack of ability to speak and opposable thumbs.
Annoying little shits, I should know. I met her—I mean lots.
Many are selfish assholes. They deserve to be exterminated, wiped out from their fucking existence… I hated humanity but… I blame her for making it more bearable. That isn’t a compliment.
I hate those things especially if she wears it on her hair. Does she want me to say she’s beautiful? Stupid woman. Everyone knows she is with or without those things… stupid.
They cry too much. They laugh too much. They’re just tiny human accidents waiting to cause more accidents. She somehow acts like one. So delicate. So sweet. So fucking annoying. Why did I even think about having one with her
#7: The Crowned Bastard
The King is a royal pain in the ass because he has an awful sense of humor and is so pretentious about almost everything. The only thing nice about this sparkly ass bastard is his dumb hair which could probably be featured in a lot of commercials advertising hair products. Tch. Maybe I should use his hair conditioner so she’d say my hair is great too.
I don’t just hate them for making me feel more vulnerable, not to mention a huge fucking reminder that I still can be human. But they also make me realize how horrible it is to see her sad or mad… It’s a pain in the ass… and the heart.
There are a lot of things I don’t want to know such as Zig’s fucking kinks and Ichthys’ need to get spank. I don’t even want to know that she sometimes pictures me naked… maybe I do. Wait, what the fuck
#10: Evil Horny Dui
Who the hell wouldn’t like the guy? He’s a danger, a menace and could possibly murder my woman her without even batting an eyelash!
Seeing this color reminds me too much of what I used to be as a human and what I still am as a god. Red. Blood. Anger. Rage. I hate it so much. It was such a sickening color until I saw her last few nights ago wearing a really… showy dress in that color and… I don’t fucking remember but when I look, I only see her and nothing more… which is fucking annoying!
Justice must be served without a single mercy. For some reason she’s telling me that I can’t just go on a genocide run that apparently won’t help. She believes in second chances. What’s that about? Whatever. Doesn’t mean I have to believe in those either… I mean I don’t deserve a second chance after what I’ve done but whatever… I should believe too.
#13: Goldfish Contraptions
I don’t understand how any of these technology—gadgets and gizmos and whatever—fucking works! The crabface really likes them though. I just hate them for making a fool out of myself in front of her. She could give me that… nice laugh but it would still be fucking humiliating. Stupid televisions. Stupid phones. Stupid. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY FUCKING BUTTONS
Who ever thought that love conquers all obviously didn’t get to taste my fucking fist on their face. Obviously, I can’t punch my stupid woman. She did deserve that pinch on the cheek for almost proving that love actually does and being so fucking gorgeous at that. Keyword: Almost.
They don’t call me problematic like the other god in the Department of Punishments. They call me an actual fucking problem. She… she doesn’t see that though and I don’t… get why…
#16: Nitwit Prince
He is the source of all my bad feelings and one of the reasons why I have fucking trust issues. I hate how he could still be menacing… without scaring anyone and… most especially her.
#17: Cussing Haters
Like what the fuck. I fucking cuss to fucking emphasize my fucking point but she happens be one of those humans who hate cussing and so I… I have to try stop anyway. So fucking unfair.
Why would you humans create something that might mean intruding my woman’s privacy? Now, I know some fucking human might want to flirt with my goldfish or stalk her or some shit like that! But then again, this makes punishing easier…
#19: Sex-Crazed Weirdo
His sexuality is literally anything that moves. That son of a bitch has the gall to flirt with her as if I’m not even there to do tha-–fuck you paper, I am not bothered by that.
What’s so nice about them? Last I checked they have the ugliest faces. Second to hers.
They are giant pompous felines with an ego bigger than their mane. It’s no wonder a lot of mangy leaf-eating mob ran over Mufasa.
I think I mentioned him already…? Whatever, this counts.
Whenever I just want peace and quiet, she comes around and starts talking about absolutely everything and I would start talking too like for fuck’s sake. Doesn’t she—I mean anyone—get the hint that I need to be alone because I’m… I’m not worth being with…?
They always surrounded me and because of my luck, I’m stuck with the biggest one (it’s a close tie with her and Ichthys… no, it’s definitely that dumbass lion).
#25: This List
This is just so fucking stupid but here I am—dealing with this. I hate this so much. Will I even get to the bottom of this fucking list? How is this even going to control my anger? She is so damn wrong about this being helpful! It just makes me even angrier and fuck! My pen ripped a hole.
They didn’t matter and I was confused as to why humans even try to do these stargazing—they’re just a bunch floating gases of lights and whatever the fuck… until she came along and suddenly made me feel like I could stare at them forever. She did have them in her eyes. So fucking distracting…
For trying to take a peek at what I’m writing.
(”Hn. Obviously, it’s about her—I don’t need to take a peek—”)
(“Talk more and I’ll tell everyone about your kinks.”)
If I didn’t have the mark of sin then I wouldn’t have met her and got into such a hassle of becoming… better.
I hate it so much. One sip might have been good but one sip meant I’m close to becoming drunk. She’s going to fucking tease me for it and call me Mr. Stinger. I MEAN IT WAS ONE FUCKING TIME.
Fucking prick thinks he’s so cool and all. She thinks so too and that’s what’s so goddamn annoying. I kick his ass! I should be much better. Speaking of which…
So many of them in the damn human city! And so many of them around her. Am I one to her? … Probably.
It hurts my cheeks so I never tried to. But then, this idiot walks up to me with some crazy smile and I found myself smiling back because there was broccoli stuck between her teeth… Weirdo.
He’s good at selling kids and disappearing from what I could remember. Tch. I could swear I won’t be like him but there’s a chance I could become as worse or maybe much worse than him but… she doesn’t think so… Why…?
#34: Being Helpless
I hate not being able to do anything. I hate knowing that one day she’ll leave me and I can’t follow. I hate knowing that I… I can’t always give everything she wants.
#35: Stupid Woman
If I didn’t meet her, then I wouldn’t hate these things. Fucking hell. I hate her for this list. I hate her like nobody else—hate her for getting into my head and making me think of her every goddamn day even in things I hate. I hate that she reminded me of the miserable life I would have had without her. And goddamn it, what I really really fucking hate about her is that she loves me.
No matter what I do or say.
… My stupid woman.
“What are you doing?”
A voice cut through the silence abruptly almost making you drop the piece of rumpled paper. Your cheeks were hot and scarlet red. Gulping, you turned away from the bedside table you happened to find it and gazed at the god who has just returned from his duties at the Department of Punishments. He drew his dark eyes towards the paper then back at you.
“… What’s that?” he asked slowly.
“A list,” you said with a tiny smile. “Of things you absolutely hate.”
Silence set in and you could almost hear his brain processing the meaning of this. The god’s eyes widened and quickly looked away and you swore there was a faint trace of pink on his cheeks. You wondered to yourself what exactly was he feeling now. Well, with just this god’s written words, you found yourself in a turmoil of different sorts of emotions. Rage. Disbelief. Joy. Grief. Contentment. Remembering the last bit of his list, your eyes softened and the corner of your lips twitched.
“So uh, what do you hate the most exactly?” you asked, almost too sweetly as he closed the distance between you both. Scorpio’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you to his chest. He gazed down to your eyes, looking at the stars in your eyes and remembering the list.
“Being helplessly in love with you.”
Thanks for reading! I do appreciate it if you guys leave comments or send me messages on what I could improve. If you want to read more Voltage fanfics I wrote, this little fella ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ will take you there. Likes and reblogs are appreciated!
So after much discussion with @arthur-tristan-kingsmen and @phantoms-lair, it seemed that Mystery (and what he had to do in the cave) needed some love. So after some aggressive headcanoning, I started writing this piece, which grew until I decided it should be broken into two parts. I’ll have the second part up soon.
Be prepared for some angst. Also, blood and maiming.
Coverart provided by @ectoimp (seriously, commission the hell out of this fabulous artist)
Betaed by the inimitable, incredible Sarielle who was honestly the biggest reason this chapter exists. I can’t thank them enough.
Are any of you going to the Farewell to the Falls exhibition at Gallery Nucleus? I’m going on August 6th, and I don’t know if I’ll be going with any IRL friends, so I would love to meet up with any other GF fans there. PLEASE HMU.))
Summary: Thirty years ago, Stanley Pines made a deal. Now, in the wake of Bill’s defeat and his brother’s disappearance, Ford begins to unravel Stan’s dark secrets. Neverhuman AU by @notllorstel
Gravity Falls, 1982
They sat quietly, arms around their knees, back against the wall, their mind completely blank. Out of the corner of their eyes, the television sprouted several spindly legs and began to lurch toward the door in slow, excruciating movements. They watched it go.
Employee trainer/boss: Ningame because it might get kinda cramped being stuck with a giant tortoise in an elevator for 10 hours and also I don’t think he’d be much of a lab partner given the lack of opposable thumbs. So employee trainer it is.
Lab partner: Danzo. Maybe I could ‘accidentally’ spill 10 M sulfuric acid on him or something.
Elevator: Killer Bee. I’ll probably try to murder him at least 8 times but it’s still better than being crushed by a giant tortoise/stuck with Danzo.
“Ally, it’s time to get up princess.” This was about the fifth time that Clayton had tried to wake up Ally; he was getting annoyed but he wouldn’t show it and in her defense it was cold and rainy so he understood why she wouldn’t wake up. He tried again. “Princess it’s time to wake up,” he said as he rubbed her back.
She moaned sleepily and opened one eye to peek at her daddy. “Dada noooo.” She whined. He picked her up out of her crib and cuddled her in his arms. She smiled still half asleep. She looked up at her daddy and in the faintest voice squeaked “love you daddy,” before promptly burying her head in his chest.
“I love you too princess.” Clayton covertly checked her diaper before adding, “and I think someone needs a change before she leaks.” Ally blushed: even after three years she still got embarrassed when he would mention how wet or messy her diaper was. Clayton carried her over to the changing table and laid her on top. Ally shivered; “daddy is to cold!”
“I know baby girl, daddy’s sorry but it’ll warm up very very soon I promise. Now, who do we want today do we want Elmo or Cookie Monster or Big Bird?” She thought for a moment before responding “Big Bird daddy please.” He chuckled as he started to take off her diaper and proceeded to clean her before putting her new diaper under her and adding lotion and powder to her princess parts and her butt before taping up her diaper.
He picked her up and set her on the dresser while he looked for her cutest onesie. “No daddy ies to cold hold me please,” Ally fussed. Clayton couldn’t resist her all to cute sleepy whines; he picked her up and held her in one arm while he searched for the garment with his other arm. “Aha! Here it is.” Clayton exclaimed. “Aha!” Ally parroted before breaking into a fit of giggles. “Cmon silly goose let’s get you dressed.” He slipped the onesie over her head and guided her arms through the arm holes before snapping up the crotch. “All done baby doll.” He hugged her tight before picking her up and spinning her around. “Whose ready for breakfast?!”
“Meeeee I am daddy me me me!” Ally exclaimed. She never failed to be excited about food. Clayton carried her to the kitchen before removing the towel he had warmed in the dryer from her high chair. “Daddy whas that?” She pointed at the towel. “It was to keep your seat warm for you princess.” He responded kissing her on the head. She smiled up at him. He kissed her head again then set her in the high chair before putting her bib on her and handing her the sippy cup of milk he had for her.
He set two blueberry pancakes on the tray of her high chair and grabbed four for himself. “Syrup daddy?” He smirked remembering the last time he had let her have syrup; a month later and he was still finding sticky spots on the wall. “No princess no syrup we ran out I’m sorry.” She looked at him incredulously, “daddy I saw the syrup in the fridge.” Clayton thought quick. “Oh that’s right I forgot baby girl daddy’s sorry but if you want syrup you have to let daddy feed you.” She thought for a minute she knew daddy liked to feed her but she was a big girl and she could do it herself although, she giggled, there was that last time she was pretty sure daddy still hadn’t found all of the syrup spots. “Otay daddy you can feed me.”
Clayton got the syrup and fed Ally her pancakes before cleaning up and eating his as Ally played with her toys and drank her milk. “Daddy can I please get down now?” She squirmed in her seat. He paused his eating to let her down from her chair. “Princess I want you to stay in the playroom okay?” “Yes daddy.” She yelled behind her.
As soon as she was alone Ally messed her diaper. She had held it as long as she could which meant that daddy had probably put the icky stuff (laxatives) in her milk. Even after three years she still hadn’t gotten used to messing her diapers and since the laxatives usually meant daddy had something planned she tried to untape her diaper.
From the other room he heard the telltale sound of a diaper tape being untaped. Since he was virtually done with breakfast Clayton cleared off his spot and went to the playroom to investigate. As he walked in he noted that she had indeed tried to take off her diaper and was about half way done. She looked up at him guiltily. “Daddy I…” He cut her off. “There is no excuse for this little one!” He said in a stern voice. “I was going to change you if you needed it right after breakfast but now I think that you can stay in your messy diaper for a couple of hours.” He taped her diaper back up. “I also think that a little someone needs a very big spanking.” He started to spank her his hand spreading the mess around. Ally whimpered; “daddy please no I’m sorry I’m sorry!”
Clayton stuck a binky in her mouth and taped it there. Once he was content with the noise level of Ally’s sobs Clayton picked her up and carried her back to her nursery where he grabbed her mittens and booties. “Now I know my princess can’t untape her diaper.”
Ally tried to get away as she hated these things, the lack of opposable thumbs frustrated her beyond belief. “Keep struggling and I’ll tie you to the crib.” Clayton threatened. Ally knew he was serious so she did what he told her. He sent her to go play in the playroom so he could get his work done and handed her a bottle after patting her butt several times. What she didn’t count on was this bottle having more of the icky stuff. No more than ten minutes after she had finished her bottle her tummy grumbled before she doubled over and messed her diaper again. She started to cry at the humiliation and unfairness of it all.
Clayton hearing her sobs checked the clock and realized that it had been almost five hours since he had sent her to the playroom. He walked in and scooped her up carrying her to the bathroom where he proceeded to thoroughly clean her. “Awe princess you have a bit of a rash.”
To Ally this was an understatement because her butt felt like it was on fire. She pouted at daddy. “Awe I think maybe someone needs daddy to clean her a bit better.” She knew what this meant and was excited that at least this time she would get the reward. Clayton started by untaping the binky from her mouth and teasing her princess parts with the warm wet washcloth he had making sure to pay special attention to her clit. “I think princess,” he said as he kissed her, “that you and daddy need to have some special time. What do you think?”
“Yes daddy.” She replied almost in a whisper. He dried her off and carried her to his bed laying her on top of the covers. He laid in between her legs and started to kiss gently up her thighs while gently rubbing her clit with his thumb. She moaned softly not liking how long he took to do everything while at the same time enjoying his gentle teasing. He slowly worked his way up to her pussy and started to use his tongue to fuck her. After a while he switched using two of his fingers to fuck her as he sucked and nibbled on her clit.
“Harder.” She moaned pushing his head down onto her pussy. He fingered her faster and harder stopping just before she climaxed. He kneeled over top of her and slowly pushed himself inside of her. She whimpered: to her he was huge and he always filled her up. She pushed her hips up against his. “Harder daddy please!” She begged. His hand settled around her throat. “Faster slut.” She obliged and rocked her hips faster. She loved it when daddy called her dirty names. “Who do you belong to?”
“What are you?”
“I’m your dirty little whore daddy”
“That’s right you’re my dirty little fucking whore!” He slapped her lightly across the face before starting to choke her again. “Daddy may I please cum?!”
“Beg for it you pathetic little slut!”
“Please please daddy please let me cum!” She whimpered
“Cum for me you dirty little whore!”
“Yes thank you daddy!” She screamed as she came hard all over her daddy’s cock. He doesn’t stop. Clayton thrusts hard and fast before cumming deep inside her. He collapsed next to her and pulls her up against him.
He pets her head softly and kisses her. “You know I don’t really mean those things that I say to you right?” Clayton asks her making sure for the millionth time that he hasn’t hurt her feeling just in case one day he does. “I know.” Ally assures him kissing him softly. She falls asleep in his arms and he can’t help but think how lucky he is that he has the most perfect princess in the entire world.
Preston: Oblivion Hancock: Borderlands 2 Danse: HALO / Dishonored Cait: DMC: Devil may Cry Deacon: Just Cause MacCready: Sniper Elite Maxson: Resistance 2 Piper: Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate (as Evie) X6-88: thinks they’re a waste of time, secretly plays total war (strategy) Nick Valentine:
Curie: Until Dawn (researching the physiological effects of fear and especially jumpscares)
(No Strong cause of probable lack of fine motoric skills. Left Dogmeat out cause of a lack of opposable thumbs :p)
Desert Racer One of more primitive variants of Lucario adapted to desert life and weather. Also known as the Kalb-Amirun by the nomads who breed them extensively as hunting partners, they’re the fastest out of all Lucario breeds, easily taught and exceedingly loyal. They don’t make good combatants due to their fragility, however they may be adapted to battling life given a moveset that requires less physicality on their end. Highly popular in contests due to their grace. No thumbs, only dewclaws. Recommended for beginners, child-safe.
Winterstark The second primitive variant of Lucario, they are considered to be closest in terms of look and temperament to the original, now extinct subtype that existed in the frozen north of Sinnoh. They’ve adapted to an almost all-year winter, with thick double coats that shed twice a year. Unlike most Lucarios, they don’t live in packs outside of small family units and as such, have evolved to become brutally efficient at battles which rage on during constant territorial disputes. What they have in power however, they lack in speed. Temperamental and vicious, they aren’t easily taught and can turn against their handlers if threatened. However, the challenge is part of the appeal for the old Vikings of north who raised them and given time and proper handling, their loyalty is unmatched. No thumbs, only dewclaws. Not recommended for beginners, not to be left alone with children.
Domestic The most common variant seen in cities and urban landscapes these days, the Domestic variant as the name suggests is a wholly man-made subspecies focusing more on adaptability and friendliness than any battling capability. As such, they do not make good combat partners whatsoever, but are lauded as perfect living partners given their loyalty, non-threatening demeanor and ease of training. Possesses opposable thumbs and lacks fist spikes which have been reduced to steel stumps from selective breeding. As such, this variant is much gentler and more open to shows of affection than the rest. Often seen as companion and service dogs and the guardian of children.
Mikado Another man-made variant, the Mikado (named due to the ‘pauldrons’ and mantle its shoulder fur resembles, its intelligence and its regal bearing), the Mikado was bred to combine favorable characteristics from the Desert Racer and Winterstark variants to create a strong working dog that excels in both power and trainability. One of the most popular subtypes, it excels in battling and is most often seen used as guard and police dogs. Despite their intelligence however, they are not recommended for new trainers, being willful and stubborn if under the tutelage what is assumed a lesser being. Trainers will need to take on the position of an alpha leader to gain the most out of this variant though many will tell you the hard work is worthit.
Modifications include opposable thumbs, extra claws on its feet for battling purposes and claws that jut out from its knuckles to deal far more devastating blows (Which also lends to its nickname as the Knuckleduster Dog)
Frogmom has found a box just for Otis! Seeing as how Otis cannot read and lacks opposeable thumbs, she assists him in opening his present. Otis is frantic with excitement…possibilities of treats dancing through his head. And the big reveal…a new fox toy! 'But,’ Otis thinks, 'I already have one!’
How will Otis react to the replacement of his beloved fox? Find out later today in Part 3!