4 years // For you || part two Dan Howell
A/N: Sorry for the late update, I’m still on vacation and an hour ago I really thought I wouldn’t be able to update at all. Thank you for the incredible response to this story!! It means a lot xx
Word Count: 1.3K
Hot tears streamed down Dan’s pain struck face while the tea in front of me started getting cold.
Although my throat was dry and I could have needed at least some warmth, my hands were shaking way too hard to pick up the cup.
I could hardly look at Dan, the person I thought I would spend my whole life with when I was 18 and naïve.
I never allowed myself to cry when I was with Luke, nobody should have to witness their mother cry especially not at the age of 4. I wanted my son to be happy. I wanted him to be full of hope.
But Luke wasn’t here right now, so my eyes were red and puffy and my cheeks were stained with tears that raced down to my chin and dripped onto my shirt.
Luke was waiting for me. He was waiting for us back in Leeds.
“He can’t wait to see you” I croaked, raising my head to look directly at Dan.
His lips twitched and for the split of a second they formed a small smile.
“Will he be alright again?” He wanted to know and his face was full of concern.
I was scared to say anything at first. The world is full of empty promises and fake hopes already anyway.
Suffocating silence hung in the air and with every silent second that elapsed Dan seemed to suffer more.
“I was wrong.” I simply said, my words were quiet but so powerful that they could have made the walls shake.
He looked at me and knitted his eyebrows in confusion.
“He does need you, Dan.”
Dan closed his eyes and took a deep shaky breath as those heavy words sunk in.
“Will you donate some of your stem cells?” I asked him, my heart was beating so hard that I could hear it as loud as the words that left my mouth.
For some people the question ‘Will you marry me’ is the most important one they have ever asked in their lives. But for me it was this exact question, because the answer could save the life of my little son.
“Ask me anything and I will do it, if it can only help him.” Dan answered without hesitation and determination sparkled in his eyes.
I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders. I had spent every second of every day praying for my son to get better. Now there was an actual chance instead of blind hope. It was like the sky was clearing after years of rain.
It was all because of him.
I stared into Dan’s reddened eyes. They were still brown, just like sweet chocolate. When we were dating just this shade of brown could make my heart beat faster or calm me down.
It was because of him. The person who was glad that I didn’t need him 4 years ago and who would have left me even if I did.
“That means a lot to us.” I assured him and tried to shoot him a small smile that looked more like a painful grimace.
Somehow I couldn’t get myself to say ‘thank you’, not after everything that happened. He hadn’t spent months next to Luke in the hospital, he didn’t even know about his existence an hour ago. I was still incredibly thankful although those words wouldn’t leave my lips.
“I’m s-“ Dan started but didn’t get to finish his sentence.
The door to the lounge squeaked open. The black haired boy with the clear blue eyes walked in quietly but not before he mustered Dan and I as if he was scared to disturb us.
I liked Phil, he seemed kind and understanding. I also enjoyed his videos back when Dan showed them to me for the first time. They were funny and unique and Dan had a smile on his face whenever he watched them.
“Hey Dan, have you checked the time? You are going to be late for your date.” Phil reminded his best friend and shot me an apologetic smile.
I felt my insides tighten, his words were like repeated hits in the stomach. Full force.
Only now I realized that it was stupid of me to assume that Dan hadn’t moved on with his life. I was a single mum, Luke was my number one priority, I had never even thought about getting into a new relationship.
I swallowed hard, mainly to repress my gag reflex. I avoided his chocolate brown eyes.
Dan was a successful and indeed very attractive Youtuber in the prime of his life. It would have been stupid to not move on and find somebody new…
Somehow that realization affected me more than it should have. Suddenly I felt a weird sense of emptiness and hurt inside of me.
It felt like losing him all over again. Although a piece of my heavy heart broke off I didn’t want anyone to see that. I just smiled back at Phil and tried to stifle my emotions and the grudge I held against my ex-boyfriend.
“I’ll have to cancel that date.” Dan informed his raven haired friend, firmness in his voice.
Phil and I’s eyes widened in surprise as we both faced Dan.
“But you have been trying to make her agree to go on a date with you for more than half a year. And now that she said yes, you don’t want to anymore?” Phil asked, utter confusion was prominent in his deep voice.
He walked over to the table we were sitting at and with every step that he took his expression darkened and he got more worried and concerned.
When he sat down at the table he was close enough to see our wet eyes and our tearstained cheeks.
“Are you guys okay?” he wanted to know caringly. His blue eyes examined both of us carefully.
Were we okay? I didn’t know, probably not. It was sweet of Phil to care for the both of us even though he had just met me.
Since we didn’t know what to answer we stayed silent and somehow the silence answered for us.
Phil looked incredibly concerned now.
“What happened?” he asked.
By now I was sure that Dan had never even mentioned my existence let alone the fact that he was the father of a child.
He had completely erased me and Luke from his life. He was the only one who knew that I got pregnant and he had taken that secret with him everywhere he went for the past 4 years.
It wasn’t my secret to tell, so I didn’t explain what happened.
“Can I borrow your car?” Dan asked his best friend instead. He wasn’t hiding his face, he didn’t look down. He stared directly in Phil’s eyes as if he were saying ‘this is important, this is serious’.
“Where do you want to go?” Phil raised his eyebrows. This conversation must have been incredibly confusing for him. So many questions, but no answers.
“Leeds” Dan said firmly and now I understood where this was going.
“Dan, I have no idea what’s going on. Your date is going to arrive in five minutes. Why do you suddenly need to go to Leeds so urgently?” Phil seemed frustrated and probably questioned the sanity of his friend by now.
“I need to go to Leeds because I need to help my son. And we have to go right now because if we go later it could be too late. And I would never be able to forgive myself for that. I have already been the worst possible father, heck I wasn’t a father at all. But I’m going to change that now, for him.”
Phil’s mouth hung open but he nodded understandingly. Tears found their way back to my dried eyes.
It was because of him.
The same person who wanted to drive me to the hospital to get an abortion 4 years ago and who was now going to drive me to a hospital 4 hours away to save the life of my son.
And somehow saying my son didn’t feel entirely right anymore.