they care so much about us i just

ierohero  asked:

I just want you to know that I would die for fruit bat gerard,,, like I often just look at the images of him that you have blessed us with for long periods of time because his little face is so sweet and I Care About Him So Much,,, the last pure thing left on this earth,,, its late I'm sorry but I Love Him

he is a good boy who only wants fruit and soft socks……… he lovs you…. told me to tell u…..

anonymous asked:

can i have 18 with taehyung pleeeease ? p.s. these drabbles are so beautiful amd im in absolute love with them

Photo Cred: VIA

Things you said when you were scared

“What if we don’t get it?” Taehyung’s voice was desperate as he looked at you, his eyes worried and his brows knitted together.

“Get what? First place?” you were surprised, Taehyung was never one to care about awards and rankings, and yet here he was concerned about that exact thing.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Bang PD is investing so much in us for us to win and I just… if we don’t…” his voice trailed off and you furrowed your eyebrows, lifting your hand to cup his cheek.

“Bang PD is investing so much in you guys because that’s his job, baby, there’s nothing you have to be worried about. You just need to try your best and your fans will love you, no matter what. Don’t mind the prize because at the end of the day, you’re doing this job because it makes you happy, right? Just smile and perform, you have me, you have all the staff at BigHit and you have your ARMY to back you up. We all love you-”

“But that’s the thing, what if ARMY don’t love us anymore… if we don’t… win?” his lips were trembling as he threw a look over at their trophy cabinet. “What if I’m not good enough?”

You sighed, shaking your head, “ARMY love you for being you, not because of your rankings, not because of your awards, not because of your labels, they love Kim Taehyung for being the dorkiest Gucci lover he is. None of that can be measured with a prize, because they love those unique characteristics about you, the other things come as a bonus.”

His eyes lifted to meet yours, “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” you scrunched your nose at him and squeezed him into a hug.

no pressure to reblog this but i want the attention of my ndn followers & mutuals cause im literally not going to deal with yall ignoring the nasty behavior from popular older ndns anymore. i don’t care about their activism or their Woke Posts. stop supporting them. cw for themes of child neglect/abuse, csa, & manipulation (at the very end).

do not put pinkcheesegreenghost (used to be bitterbitchclubpresident)’s original posts on! my! dashbort! any! more! if you absolutely cannot bare to unfollow them, just block me! it’s not hard! i’m gonna put this under a cut but basically! they’re a child abuse apologist and don’t understand sexual boundaries with kids either! before you read this, keep in mind pcgg is around 40 (maybe older?) and my friend & i were 17-19 at the time.

Keep reading

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. It was weird he pointed it out, but he told me that when he saw how the Noah’s where acting towards nea and the Earl they where acting less like they where trying to fight, and more like they where trying to protect a family member from an abusive ex. I mean look at how tyki, wisely, and road act about it since the end of the alma karma arc, and especially in the most recent chapters. They just want to keep nea away and keep the Earl from reuniting with someone abusive, and they actively protect and even comfort him afterward. He even went so far as to suggest that using “14th” instead of nea wasn’t for any reason except to not upset or hurt the Earl and to dehumanize the issue so they could deal with it better. I guess it just kind of shows how much they care about Adam, and that they worry, that nea is bad because they hurt him more than anything else(except with Sheryl cause you know, road). I dont know it just feels so real and sad to think of it this way.

anonymous asked:

Oh god if there's gonna be a Justice League movie trailer AND Infinity War teaser, it means we might have to deal with a group of people taking screencaps from both videos just to say "see? marvel shows us how a good superhero team up movie looks like. so bright and colorful, looks fun. but the other one is trying too hard to look fun. take notes, DC!"

Pretty much. I could care less about the preferences of a bunch of overgrown children who can’t enjoy anything without acting like that. 

top 10 phan moments that make me wanna rip my heart out

yeah, just ten moments among hundreds, let it be part one or something. tell me what i’ve missed because i want more suffering in my life.

10) mind control.

i mean, i appreciate the subtlety. i crave those tiny moments that you only notice when someone points them out to you. but this! you can’t miss this one, this moment is shoved down our throats. this is so “i’m allowed to do that to you, to be in your personal space, and gaze into your eyes for no reason, just because i want to”. and phil’s face in that moment, so much joy and mischief, he claps his hands and gazes back.

9) chest touch.

drama queen howell strikes again, it hurts to rewatch it srsly, why is he so extra? but what is phil doing ladies and gents? he slaps his chest in the weirdest way possible, he brushes it, it’s like he wants to shove him but reassuringly and the movement happens so fast you have to pause for a second to comprehend it. that sweet gentle boy is so fond of dan’s unnecessary commentary and yeah, it completely distracts us from what dan is saying at that moment.

8) feel my heartbeat.

was that necessary, really? like, i don’t ask my friends to feel my heartbeat when i’m scared, that was such a “horror movie at first date” bullshit, that’s not what people do?? and when dan does feel that beautiful hummingbird heart, phil just covers his hand with his own palm because yes, you gotta feel it very close, no air between your hand and my chest. dan immediately looks into the camera to show us that yeah, i know you’re there, nothing strange, and makes a comment about phil dying. wow.

7) phil the delivery man.

i don’t know what to say. it’s so simple but why does phil have to make such an act of bringing dan his charger, why does he talk in that stupid voice?? they have a banter, and then phil FIXES DAN’S CHARGER FOR HIM, like what?? who asked you to do that? where’s my IT guy au (literally, he’s got glasses, look at him). and before he leaves he plays the piano that nerd, what an attention seeker, and then bows!! is he tipsy? did he have a pre-liveshow orgasm or something? dan laughs fondly and it’s all i need in the world.

6) child beer.

what’s happening and does it even matter. phil’s hiding on the floor, but why? to surprise us? eh whatever. so he’s got that magical japanese powdery stuff and he wants dan to taste it. the biggest problem for me here, ahem, i mean the thing that just kills me every time is that phil spends the whole time (eight minutes) on his knees and he looks so cute when he makes that beer, holds it close to the camera, and then lets the foam sit so dan can have the ultimate child beer experience.

it reminds me of that hot chocolate video, where he does something so trivial but he’s so gentle and loving about it. i still don’t understand why they didn’t do a simple taste test like bros, but phil had to make it for dan, he wanted to see his reaction. and then he tries it as well, touches the glass rim with his lips at the same place where dan’s mouth just was (gross).

and i just can’t ignore how that boy sneaks past dan’s room after that, he’s playful, he stops to say that he googled something and dan was wrong, and domesticity, i wanna die.

5) sleeping phil on tour.

i kinda wanna talk about the angle here because i don’t understand how it was filmed (camera is pretty static, dan’s hand reaches from the side, not behind), but i don’t know if it matters here. what matters is how gentle dan is. of course, he starts with classic nose tickling, which is what “messing with a sleeping friend” usually implies, but then he frees one strand of phil’s hair and just lets it fall. wow, fantastic prank, dan.

and let’s separately discuss that pout/kiss phil does after he opens his eyes. i know you want a slow mo replay, so here we go:

that’s what i call “im gonna stay asleep but i love you”. where’s the nearest cliff so i can fling myself into abyss?

4) the look.

context what context. why did they keep it? why did they put it on fullscreen instead of hiding in the corner? two full-length looks dan, really?? you know what he looks like, why do you have to examine him like that in front of us you slut. and it just passes, without acknowledgment, they just turn back at us simultaneously and I’M STILL DEAD at that moment, i don’t care what happens next.

3) snoot. proot. (i just filmed you doing that)

i don’t even care what it was. something about piano sounds or whatever, but this video haunts me. THERE’S SO MUCH TO IT. first, phil is lying on dan’s bed (at least in the official version it’s dan’s, not mutual), just chilling?? and dan’s working i guess. so they are not actually doing something together but it’s a cozy evening, why would they spend it in different rooms? dan says something, idk, and phil replies “yeah” in that deep voice I SWEAR i haven’t heard from him before. dan makes the sounds again, like can you believe he’s an actual dork in real life, it’s not an act, he’s actually the weirdest boy alive, and he so obviously doesn’t know he’s being filmed. because when phil says “i just filmed you doing that you’re so weird”, he’s so delighted, he laughs at himself, he turns around, his hair is pushed back omg they are both so sleepy and i rejoice. i think this video gives us a rare but fantastic insight in their everyday life, phil must be keeping so much silly videos like that on his google drive and we never get to see them BUT SOMEHOW he posts this one, probably because dan is cute and he wants everyone to know it.

2) you loved it. you wanna do it more.

so, yes. you know this one. where do i even begin?? they play this dragon quiz and then 1) phil says “you loved it” in the strangest voice, like the voice we never hear from him, it’s deeper and quieter, he looks at dan even though dan’s not looking back; 2) dan is looking down as if he’s fiddling with an ipad or something, it’s almost a bts moment, something they would usually edit out. AND THEN THREE SECONDS OF SILENCE while dan kinda processes what’s going on and phil still looks at him expectantly. seductive as fuck. and now this quiet “alright”, i’m just… dan looks like he’s gotten the hint, so he’s a little embarrassed and they share the softest laugh. 

the thing is, we know how often phil makes sexual innuendos and dan always reacts the same way: he looks into the camera, he throws a witty comment in, he puts it on display to show us that there’s no intimacy in that moment. but not this time. i don’t understand why they didn’t edit it out. i just… don’t.

1) pantless liveshow
this is the ultimate. this is the weirdest and the most awesome thing these two gave me and i’m not even sure what can top that. the moment when phil decides to grab the humidifier and show us, he looks at the screen, says “one second” and stands up very awkwardly while dan turns the laptop away from him and makes the weirdest “how you doing” face. 

WHAT THE FUCK. did they think we were so used to them weirdos that we wouldn’t even notice that shit? but fuck, they do it again, they want to show us the spray and dan goes “should i go get it? you have to do phil’s corner”. like, i can’t function, i honestly can’t. AND THE WORST PART is when dan returns and we can see him covering his legs with a blanket just too fast like it’s not that cold boy come on.

i have no explanation and i have every explanation. i don’t deserve all this suffering.

since some of u keep forgetting johnny is an actual angel here’s ur reminder :))

- he said his goal in life is to make people happy/smile
- hes learning chinese to make the chinese members feel more comfortable
- he taught ten korean and was there for him every time he needed someone to talk to
- no matter how tired he was he wld always go to the supermarket w his mum
- he wanted to be a veterinarian bc he loves animals n taking care of them ?? bitch ?? that’s so cute ??
- sleeps w two whale plushies he had since he was young
- he wears an earring his mom got him v frequently
- he’s an actual hipster emo hybrid the first genre of music he’s ever listened to was rock n the first piano piece he learned was by the beatles n he loves coldplay
- uses pick up lines on both girls n guys just to make them laugh n he isn’t shy about using them on guys
- thinks makeup is a way to express yourself and shouldn’t just be limited to girls
- basically just doesn’t believe in gender roles
- he constantly hypes up all the members but literally DIES every time someone gives him a tiny compliment
- in conclusion he’s the most selfless, caring, humble, loving and kind person i’ve ever known and he deserves literally None of the hate he gets

6

I have no idea.

Just Let It End... No More Drama

I had seen some people talking about the drama that’s been going on surrounding Sean and Signe, and I hadn’t really known what was going on until it popped up on my Twitter. It’s not my intention to stir things up, so I want to say just one thing about this whole situation and then let it all end.

It’s a really fucked up situation. The fact that all these accusations are flying, and have stemmed from absolutely nowhere… to me, it’s just baffling, and it’s not something I think I’ll ever understand. It’s fairly clear that this girl is delusional and there isn’t anything we can do to change that. She claims we’re white knighting the two and that we can’t “face the truth”, which just makes no sense to me.

Now, I haven’t seen this happening a lot, but the one thing she is right about is how we’ve been responding to the situation. I know that most of you have been good about all of this, but please keep in mind that we shouldn’t talk down to people and say mean things about them, even if what they are doing is absolutely inconceivable. This girl has to be going through something in her own life to make her act in this way. Saying mean things or threatening her is not going to do us any good.

I know it sucks. I know we want it all to end. But I’m sure no one wants it to end more than Sean and Signe. And I’m sure that the more we bring it up, the more irritating it is. So, as much as I hate to say it, the best thing we can do in this situation is just let it go. We need to stop giving this girl attention and let this all fade away. I know that we want to support Sean and Signe because we care about them, but this really isn’t our battle to fight. Signe did the right thing by blocking this person and eventually this will all blow over, I’m sure of it.

That said, I appreciate this community so much. And it’s nice to see everyone stick up for each other. But please, do it in the right way. For this situation, I think the right way really is to do nothing. I hope you all agree.

The Fic Writer’s Beatitudes

Blessed are the readers, for theirs is the archive.

Blessed are the betas: for they help us write the stories we see in our hearts.
Blessed are they that kudo, for they reassure us that someone likes what we’ve done.
Blessed are the rebloggers and reccers, for they help the readers find our work.
Blessed are they which leave comments on a WIP that say something other than “write more please”: for they comfort us when we feel taken for granted.
Blessed are the commenters; for their words bring us joy.
Blessed are the loyal fans, for they keep the fandom alive.
Blessed are the fan artists, for they bring our worlds to life before our eyes.
Blessed are they which read an entire long fic and comment each chapter, for the string of comment notifications fills the writer’s heart with delight.
Blessed are ye, who rec our fics in public and tag us, for seeing that we made somebody squee is the light in our days.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad; for great is your reward in fandom.

2

dont worry, im here for u 💕  

Let’s dispense with the “Democrats are just as bad” defense. First, I don’t much care; we collectively face a party in charge of virtually the entire federal government and the vast majority of statehouses and governorships. It’s that party’s inner moral rot that must concern us for now. Second, it’s simply not true, and saying so reveals the origin of the problem — a “woe is me” sense of victimhood that grossly exaggerates the opposition’s ills and in turn justifies its own egregious political judgments and rhetoric. If the GOP had not become unhinged about the Clintons, would it have rationalized Trump as the lesser of two evils? Only in the crazed bubble of right-wing hysteria does an ethically challenged, moderate Democrat become a threat to Western civilization and Trump the salvation of America.
 
 
Indeed, for decades now, demonization — of gays, immigrants, Democrats, the media, feminists, etc. — has been the animating spirit behind much of the right. It has distorted its assessment of reality, giving us anti-immigrant hysteria, promulgating disrespect for the law (how many “respectable” conservatives suggested disregarding the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage?), elevating Fox News hosts’ blatantly false propaganda as the counterweight to liberal media bias and preventing serious policy debate. For seven years, the party vilified Obamacare without an accurate assessment of its faults and feasible alternative plans. “Obama bad” or “Clinton bad” became the only credo — leaving the party, as Brooks said of the Trump clan, with “no attachment to any external moral truth or ethical code” — and no coherent policies for governing.
 
 
We have always had in our political culture narcissists, ideologues and flimflammers, but it took the 21st-century GOP to put one in the White House.
— 

The GOP’s moral rot is the problem, not Donald Trump Jr.

This was written by Jennifer Rubin, a life-long Republican who I have disagreed with on just about everything in the history of life. If there were more Republicans like her, we likely would not have a congress that has utterly abdicated its co-equal role in government to put a check on an unhinged president like this one.

She has principles, at least, unlike far too many tribal Republicans who exist on a steady diet of right wing talk radio, Fox News, and Glenn Beck peddled bullshit.

I’ve gotten quite a few asks recently wanting to know what my issue with Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition is. You’ve probably seen my grumbling about edition-warring a time or three, so I want to clarify that that isn’t where this post is going. I think 5E has a lot of fantastic ideas, and I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to new players. The problem I have with it isn’t that I don’t like what it’s doing; it’s that I see a lot of great game design ideas lumbered by a conscious refusal to take them to their logical conclusion - or, in other words, it’s not that I think 5E goes too far, it’s that I think it doesn’t go far enough.

(Fair warning: a lot of this is going to be really jargon-heavy game design stuff that normal people probably don’t care about. That’s your cue to check out if tabletop RPG meta isn’t your cup of tea!)

To start off, there’s a concept in game design - applicable to both video games and tabletop games - called “mechanical engagement”. Basically, it’s what it sounds like: how and when the player is called upon to make rules-based decisions. Some games have high mechanical engagement, in the sense that players are given lots of rules-based “toys” to play with and expected to interact with them frequently; other games have low mechanical engagement, meaning that there are fewer rules-based “toys”, and fewer player-facing decisions about how to deploy them.

Moreover, in games that have roles or classes, different roles within the same game can offer different levels of mechanical engagement. It’s tempting to think of this in terms of low mechanical engagement = basic and low-powered, high mechanical engagement = advanced and high-powered, but this ain’t necessarily the case; you can see this phenomenon in action in the sphere of video games in, say, 2D fighters, or multiplayer online shooters. You have characters/roles with complicated and demanding execution, and characters/roles with simple and straightforward execution, and the former aren’t necessarily more powerful in practice, in spite of being more demanding to play.

The reason this happens is because a player’s preferred level of mechanical engagement is totally independent of any other axis of play (e.g., preferred role, preferred aesthetics, etc.) Some players like having lots of rules-based knobs and levers to play with, and they’ll gravitate to roles that will give them that even if there’s no actual benefit - i.e., even if it obliges them to work harder just to get to the same level as players in roles with lower mechanical engagement. Similarly, some players just want to press buttons and watch stuff explode - they prefer low mechanical engagement.

There’s nothing wrong with either preference, and one of the major perks of playing a tabletop RPG with class/role-based character creation is that it allows you to accommodate different preferences in terms of mechanical engagement within the same party. You can have players who want to juggle lists of special abilities as long as their arm, and players who just want to hit things with swords, and they can play at the same table - everybody wins. Again, remember that this is totally separate from wanting to play a “low powered” or “high powered” character; the level of mechanical engagement that a role demands is a different axis from how big its numbers are.

Now, one of the perennial issues of fantasy tabletop RPGs in general and D&D in particular is tying particular levels of mechanical engagement to particular role aesthetics. In many iterations of the game, if you want to play a role with high mechanical engagement, you have to chuck fireballs, and if you want to play a role with low mechanical engagement, you have to be a sword-slinging meat shield. A player who wants high mechanical engagement but also likes swords is liable to be told, both by the game’s text and by other players, that she’s Doing It Wrong - and so, for that matter, is a player who wants low mechanical engagement, but also wants to set stuff on fire with her brain.

(Incidentally, this is one of several areas where core-book 4E solves a real and recognised problem in the most hilariously unsubtle manner imaginable, by bashing every role into exactly the same level of mechanical engagement. Which is fantastic if that just happens to be your preferred keel, because now you can play and enjoy every role - and terrible if your ideal toybox is too much larger or smaller, because now every role is an equally bad fit for you.)

5E brings a couple of great ideas for solving this problem to the table:

1. It introduces a series of “tutorial levels”, where each class‘s abilities are introduced gradually over the levels 1-3, reducing entry barriers, leveling out the learning curve, and allowing folks to “try on” different levels of mechanical engagement more easily; and

2. It introduces system of templated archetypes whereby particular classes/roles can be “tuned” to different levels of mechanical engagement, making the same basic set of roles accessible to players with a broader range of preferences in terms of mechanical engagement - and, critically, the choice of template doesn’t have to be made until after the previously mentioned “tutorial levels” are complete.

Sounds great, right?

The problem is, it only applies to fighters and rogues and related classes. Clerics and wizards - i.e., the full-featured spellcasters - don’t get any “tutorial levels”, are obliged to choose their archetypes at first level, and all of their archetypes are about equally complicated - to the point that, for example, the lowest mechanical engagement cleric you can build has more rules-based toys you’re obliged to wrangle at any given level than the highest mechanical engagement fighter.

In other words, the game turns around and goes some distance out of its way to reinforce the very problem that this design pattern is meant to solve!

This pattern is repeated in several other places. For example, one of the long-standing disagreements among the fandom is whether D&D should primarily support epic, globe-trotting “high fantasy” or gritty, street-level “low fantasy” as its default tone. It’s as much a question of rules as it is of flavour text, so it’s hard to do both - but 5E gives it the old college try, which is a frankly fascinating decision. How does that play out?

Unconventionally, 5E does it based on character classes: you literally have some classes that are built out of high fantasy tropes, and some classes that are built out of low fantasy tropes, with the result that you can have characters who basically hail from totally different genres of fantasy fiction running around in the same party. This isn’t necessarily a bad idea; there are lots of inspirational sources that setup could describe - I mean, just look at The Lord of the Rings. If that’s not a prototypical case of high fantasy characters and low fantasy characters partying up, I’ll eat my hat.

This’d be another great opportunity for the archetype system to shine - but again, we see this obnoxious wall slamming down between “martial” and “magic” classes. This time it goes the other way: fighters and rogues default to low fantasy genre assumptions, and have access to archetype templates that can dial them up to high fantasy - but clerics and wizards default to high fantasy and don’t get anything to adjust that.

Tellingly, the high fantasy archetypes for fighters and rogues basically operate by bolting half a wizard to the side of their respective classes. You end up with a strange dynamic where some characters from a given piece of genre source material are valid inspirations, but not others - e.g., you can be Merlin, but not Lancelot; Gandalf, but not Legolas; Medea, but not Achilles. Again, we see this reactionary notion that only spellcasters are allowed to play in the big-kid sandbox; the game’s text openly acknowledges as much by flat-out stating that only full-progression spellcasters are relevant when determining which tiers of play a party can engage with. And again, the tools to fix that are right there; the game just doesn’t deign to pick them up and use them.

I could keep going, but I suspect I’ve harped on long enough that y’all get exactly where I’m coming from here. It’s like… these are not new problems. Maybe not all players care about them, but it’s nearly universally acknowledged that they exist, and it would have taken so little effort to address them - the game literally developed the perfect tools to do so, then didn’t use them. It drives me crazy to see a game come so close to what could have been a legitimately revolutionary take on the genre, then deliberately stop juuuuust short of the goal line.

The deeper I got into astrology the more compatibility became less significant for me, like if I saw someone’s chart I had an interest it’s not like a “oh shit we’re not compatible boo.” It’s more like, “oh!” It’s like looking through a window through their perspective. So if we’re having trouble with communications I’ll just be like, “oh he has a Capricorn mercury, so he’s definitely a logical person with a dry sense of humor,” so then I’ll just use some of my sarcasm towards him. Like, because of that, whenever someone asks for the compatibility it’s literally like, “who the fuck cares, go for it.”

comment advice

a) one shots are often one shots for a reason, think carefully before leaving that “aww, why is this only one part? :(” comment with absolutely no other feedback

b) the comment “more” is officially banned, I don’t care if you add “please”, if you’re going to say “more”, you are required to list at least one (1) moment that you liked in the fic and construct at least one (1) compliment or keysmash. 

c) if you harass people about update schedules, you’re an asshole

d) honestly I know we talk about the importance of leaving comments and feedback, but comments that are just demands for more content are honestly so discouraging that it’s pretty much negative feedback. We just created this thing for you, and you’re basically telling us it’s not good enough.

The first time I tried to come out to someone I was ten years old and in primary school.
I told a person who was supposed to be one of my best friends. She listened.
The next day when I came to school she had told the twins; my other friends and they all laughed at me and avoided me for days on end. I knew there was something wrong with me then, see!?? So I told them I was just joking and of course I didn’t like girls that way, I’M NOT GAY!
The next time I tried, I told my cousin, my other best friend. She didn’t say a lot about it and just kind of changed the subject. The next time I saw her she asked me if I was being serious with a screwed up look on her face that hit me in the gut like disgust. I felt so sick, am I sick?! There is something so wrong with me. I told her no, of course I wasn’t, I’M NOT GAY, NO REALLY, DEFINITELY!
I started high school desperately trying to be cool, to be normal, to just fit in, why couldn’t I be like all of them? Every now and then someone in the halls would call me a fucking lesbian. It took me right back to those laughs that I heard when I was ten. I was still friends with the same girls who’s laugher haunted me and one night I slept over at their house. They had a brother who was a couple of years older and I thought I might have had a crush on him. It was juvenile wishful thinking. I ended up in his room with the door closed, in the darkness putting his dick in my mouth. After that I asked if I could go home because I was homesick - but I was just sick, I didn’t like anything about him or his dick. I felt so empty and so alone knowing that I was not normal, I was not like any of them. I sat in the bathtub with the door locked at 1am brushing my teeth and trying to erase the stain of what happened.
I came to school on Monday, and people were looking at me. They were talking behind hands and snickering. Someone had told someone and then someone told everyone and they all knew. My mind flew out the second story window in math as a girl passed me a note telling me I was gross and a fucking slut. If anything I thought it would shut them all up? Isn’t that what normal girls do, they like boys and they don’t leave their balls blue?! I had no idea what in the fuck I was supposed to do.
I drifted away from them all, I’d still see them in the halls but we hardly ever talked anymore. I found out that there were certain boys that stayed seperate from the jocks, and their flocks, so I started hanging out with them. They didn’t really care about much of anything and for once I felt a tiny bit of what I thought was belonging. Of course I engaged in ridiculous dating charades where I was one of their girlfriends. We’d occasionally kiss and hold hands and that was it, and I thought it might finally look like I fit. But I still heard it, from time to time “HEY DYKE, ARE YOU A LEMON OR A LIME?” I’d just put my head down and hide. I’d hide behind my boyfriend who was sweet and kind and dopey and gentle, even though most days he kind of drove me mental.
One day there was a new guy at school, I saw him before roll call in the hall and thought he looked cool. Later that day in science, he was sitting opposite me, and I smiled, he smiled back. We’re still friends and it’s about fourteen years down the track - how did we get to that? Well…
The next time I came out it was to him, and he told me he was the same as me. Of course I chose to come out under the label of bisexuality, because I still thought guys were kind of cute and it provided me with a shield of a certain safety and half normality. He didn’t flinch or cringe or look at me with hate, he just said he was the same, and my shame started to deflate a little. I started to breathe full breaths for the first time in so long, and I started to believe maybe I wasn’t so fucking wrong.
The next time I tried to come out to somebody I was sixteen and it was my mother. I’d spent years in torture and isolation trying to figure myself out, who I really was, what it was all about. I told her I was bi and she was quiet for a while. After I prompted her for a response she said “but how do you know?” with a condescending smile. She told me I was young, and that I hadn’t even slept with anyone so how could I possibly know what I am?? Rage is the only thing I could feel at that stage, HOW COULD I KNOW WHAT I AM? The same way you knew you weren’t what I am, that’s how. I’ve spent years hating myself for being this way, and this is the stupidity I’m faced with now? Like I had just flippantly decided that I would announce something I wasn’t even sure of? I was floored, and thus thereafter the topic was purposefully ignored. The silence said all I needed to know, this was something I just wasn’t supposed to show, it’s just one of those things that was a no go. Certain people could be trusted with my secret, the thing that people didn’t seem to want to see, but I had to be very careful about who that would be.
So I shut it down and compartmentalised my difference and tried to survive. Three years went by before I opened that door again, to a trusted friend. I never intended to tell her, but she asked me in a way that seemed so tender, there were no teeth waiting to bite me, and even though it frightened me I told her. She didn’t even care, she was just curious, maybe she was questioning things in herself like some of us do. That was the first time I really knew that I wasn’t my shame and I wasn’t my pain and I wasn’t some thing to be hidden away. I decided then to be more open. To live authentically and do what felt right for me. But I still remained private about it unless asked explicitly - then I would answer as honestly as I knew how, because truthfully I’m still figuring all of it out. I’ve learned so much about diversity and gender and sexual identity and sometimes I find the right words that seem to fit, and other times the pressure of a label exhausts me and I get sick of it.
Sick of trying to classify myself under certain banners, sick of people asking things without any thought of manners.
I know on the grand spectrum of things I am not at all like them, I fall somewhere else along the Kinsey scale. Maybe that means in a way I fail the people like me, because I can’t cement things or write it in concrete and sign it to make it complete. Or that sometimes I still find myself in certain situations where I’m being discreet, holding my candour for fear of ramifications and slander. Maybe I’m not full of pride, maybe because for so long all I could do was hide. This makes me feel so guilty, I should be proud of who I am unapologetically! Not just for me but for the sake of visibility, so that maybe more people can see - we aren’t wrong, we don’t have any agenda other than to be able to be! Just to be; to live with an open vulnerability and tranquility and to be able to do it safely!! I’m sorry, that I could not join in on the pride but maybe you’ll know why; it’s hard to celebrate something that for most of your life you’ve had to justify to people, to justify to yourself, for most of your life you’ve carefully withheld.
— 

“Internalised Homophobia - Where Is My Pride?”

Pride month is such a wonderful thing and I know it is over now but it inspired me to share this. It’s intensely personal, not very well written and lengthy, but I wanted to be able to share some of my experiences regarding this topic. In no way do I speak for the whole LGBT+ community in this post and it’s simply a personal journey that I wrote out for catharsis. 

Little Things

MASTERLIST

A/N: This is my very bad attempt at something cute, but you know… Fluff isn’t my best. Also a bit different from what I’ve done in the past, so feedback would be great. I messed up the months, I’m aware. 

Word count: 3,365

Pickering, Canada
April 2024

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Older brother Namjoon+ rest of BTS scolds you PT.10

BTS x Reader

Genre: Angst

Namjoon’s Sister AU

[PT.1] [PT.2] [PT.3][PT.4] [PT.5] [PT.6] [PT.7] [PT.8] [PT.9] [PT.10] [PT.11] [PT.12] [PT.13]


Originally posted by pjkook


Y/N’s p.o.v

“Joonie?” I say completely confused, what was he even doing here?

“Oh uh hi baby sis, you’re up?” 

“Well yeah you were crashing and banging, I’m pretty sure it could have woken up the entire building.” I say quite frankly. “What are you doing here?” I wasn’t completely mad that he was standing in my kitchen, hammering at my counter top. But at the same time I feel sort of resentful. 

“I was waiting for you outside of your door -”

“Yeah I saw you, but what are you doing in here?” 

“You fainted, I had to bring you inside.” He explained. 

“But why do you care?” I was bitter and I knew that but I couldn’t help myself, because what they said, tore me up inside. 

“Come on small, don’t be like that.” Small, he used to call me that all the time. 

“Don’t be like what? How else do you want me to act? What more do you want to control?” I started to raise my voice. It was always ‘don’t do this’ ‘don’t do that’. 

“I know it was wrong of me and I’m sorry, can’t you just accept my apology and move on?” He was raising his voice at me now too. A few years ago, he would cherish me, made sure nobody hurt me and would never raise his voice at me. But now all he has done is hurt me. 

“How am I supposed to just accept your apology and move on oppa? When you’ve always been someone that I looked up to, you were always the one who taught me well, but you neglected me. You used to protect me, but now? You’re the one who hurt me the most.” I was on the verge of tears, it’s been so long that it’s just the two of us talking, just brother and sister time. When I used to have nightmares as a kid, Namjoon would be the one to read me a story whilst crouching by the side of my bed and made sure I fell asleep okay. But right now, he was my biggest nightmare. “You used to care about me so much, what happened?” My voice lowered and tears fell, quickly wiping them away I looked up at him.”You used to be my saviour oppa, but now it’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“I still love and care about you Y/N, why are you being so difficult? I’m trying to make amends but you’re acting so childish!” He raised his voice and I couldn’t help but flinch. I can’t lie and say that it didn’t scare me when he was like this, because he was rarely ever like this. My head was spinning and I felt like complete shit, but what does that matter right?

“I’m being childish? My older brother and his best friends, including my very own best friend, spoke badly of me behind my back. The same older brother who just 4 years ago would not let anyone say a single bad thing about me, not even mum and dad. You’d always hide me behind your back when I was in trouble. You’d tell the kids who were mean to me off. You did so much for me back then. Maybe I’m just expecting too much, maybe I grew up relying on you too much. Or maybe you just don’t love your lil small anymore, because I’m useless and only ever cause you trouble.” I was trying so hard to remain calm, so hard to not allow my tears to fall but it was working. They just kept falling. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m a pain in the ass to you. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry I’m not the same small you used to love and care about.” I swallowed back my flowing tears and smiled slightly up towards him. “I won’t cause you anymore trouble, you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll stay away so you don’t have to see me anymore. I’m sorry for being dramatic. I really am. So, oppa. Could you please leave?” 

“This is a little too much don’t you think? Over something so little?” I chuckled, is that really what he thought?

“It may have been little to you because you don’t look up and respect me like I do, you. Ever since I could walk and talk, I’ve learned so much from you, you were that older brother to me that became my shield. The older brother that I had endless respect for. So to me it’s like my whole world was crashing down on me. You had know idea that the last four years have been hell, you wouldn’t know because you never really asked how I was. But I get that, you’re busy. I understood. But when I needed you the most and told you some things, you don’t even remember and you always pushed me aside telling me that you’d ‘message me later’ because you’re occupied doing something. But no matter how long I waited for my older brother to get back to me, he never did. I was always the one starting up a conversation. Because I missed my big bro, but he didn’t miss me. I felt as though I was just a complete burden so I stopped. Life got harder, but it’s okay now. I’m a big girl and I can handle it.” I smiled one last time at him. “Because I don’t need you anymore.” 


PT.11?

I don’t know how to fully enjoy any of these moments without wondering if it’s the last.
—  Jay Asher, What Light