(Could you also do that sort of... energetic... summary of the Seder itslef? Because I Feel Like That Could Be Fun.)
AHH, OKAY, THIS IS THE GOOD QUESTION, COS PRINCE OF EGYPT HAS NOT ALREADY TOLD THE STORY OF THE SEDER BETTER
so there is one (1) vital thing about the Jewish Passover Seder, and it is that you are biblically commanded to drink four cups of wine. (AT LEAST. you can drink more. if u like.) why are you commanded to do this? REASONS!
so you get all 45 people in your family into one room and you give em all chairs with cushions and you lay out the SEDER PLATE, which has:
- SOME SHITTY VEGETABLES. these represent SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which was MUCH LIKE A SHITTY VEGETABLE in that we DISLIKED IT.
- a bunch of APPLES AND NUTS AND HONEY AND WINE AND PEARS AND FIGS AND ORANGE JUICE AND CINNAMON all SMASHED TOGETHER. this represents SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which was MUCH LIKE FRUIT AND NUTS AND SHIT SMASHED TOGETHER in that THAT’S SORT OF LIKE MORTAR and we USED MORTAR TO BUILD BRICKS.
- a less shitty vegetable, which we will dip in SALT WATER. this represents SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which was much like SALT WATER in that we CRIED A SHITTON.
- three MATZAH CRACKERS stacked on top of each other. this represents SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which involved a lot of VERY BAD BREAD.
- a LAMB BONE. this represents THAT TIME GOD KILLED A BUNCH OF EGYPTIANS.
- a HARD-BOILED EGG. this represents SPRING OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
- an ORANGE (optional). this represents FUCK YOU.
so A OF ALL, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS DRINK CUP OF WINE NUMBER ONE. you can say a blessing over it if you are a half-decent jew. i am not a half-decent jew and you should give me wine.
B OF ALL, THE SECOND THING YOU DO is WASH YOUR HANDS IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING. again i do not.
C OF ALL you get to EAT SOMETHING!! you take the Less Shitty Vegetable and you stick it in the salt water and you eat it. the Less Shitty Vegetable is usually parsley, but i’ve heard that some ashkenazi jews use potatoes, which is… really polish. “what the fuck,” you may ask. we’re GETTING TO IT.
interlude: remember those 3 matzah pieces you had from Seder Plate Item Number Four? yr gonna take the one in the middle and break it in half. then yr gonna take the bigger half and set it aside. again we’re GETTING TO IT.
you point @ the matzah pieces and go “this is the bread of affliction!” (yep, says everyone who will be eating it for the next week.) “all who are hungry, come and eat, all who are needy come and celebrate with us.” (traditionally u are supposed to invite, like, The Poor to have passover with u. SHOCKINGLY most people don’t do this.)
then the Youngest Person At The Table– or if you are in my family, The Only Person Who Has Bothered To Memorize The Four Questions In Hebrew– asks the Four Questions, which basically boil down to “WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS WEIRD AND GROSS-TASTING HOLIDAY.”
- another interlude, while my dad settles and prepares to tell The Passover Joke.
- a man is preparing to be knighted. the ceremony involves kneeling in front of the queen and saying a phrase in latin. the man practices carefully, but when the time comes, he panics and says, “ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?” the queen turns to her advisor and says, “why is this knight different from all other knights?”
- my dad nods solemnly. we have told The Passover Joke.
THEN WE TELL THE PASSOVER STORY, WHEN ISRAEL WAS IN EGYPT LAAAAAND, YAY FREEDOM, ETC
next of all you are going to talk about the Four Children, which is a hilarious and very mean parable that goes thusly:
- so basically you’ve got four kids
- one of em, the Wise Child, goes “what are the statutes and laws and testimonies that god has commanded us to do?” instead of shoving this kid in a locker and giving him a noogie, as is your instinct, the rabbinical council has (apparently) commanded us to explain all the laws and customs of the seder. THIS IS WHY THE ENTIRE WORLD SHOVES US IN LOCKERS AND GIVES US NOOGIES, GUYS.
- one of em, the Wicked Child, goes “what does all this mean to you?” upon which you answer, “god saved us the fuck from slavery. since you apparently don’t wanna be a PART of this DINNER or this FAMILY i guess you would not have been INCLUDED AT THE TIME.”
- side note: sometimes i read, like, fanfiction about jewish characters, and they have passover, and it’s so Nice and Joyous and Spiritual and i’m like. hahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahhahahahah
- family, guys.
- ANYWAY: one of em, the Simple Child, goes “what is this?” you say, “god saved us the fuck from slavery, kid. be quiet, the meal’s coming soon.”
- and the last, the Child Who Does Not Know How To Ask A Question, does… not ask a question. but you explain everything to them anyway because they’re cute.
then we talk about the TEN PLAGUES; the ten plagues are pretty miserable, and we really do feel bad about them, so we stick our fingers in our glass of wine and put drops of wine on our plates for every one of the plagues while singing about it. y’all if i’m giving up the wine you know i’m serious.
then you sing IIIIIIILU HOTZI HOTZIANU HOTZIANU MIMITZRAYIM HOTZIANU MIMITZRAYIM DA YE NU. DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAYENU DAYENU (DAYENU.) DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAYENU DAYENU! ILU NATAN NATANLANU, NATANLANU ET HASHABBAT, NATANLANU ET HASHABBAT DA YE NU DAY DAYENU
and drink another cup of wine, to forget.
then the adults go and Wash Their Hands. it’s gonna take a really long time, guys. certainly hope nobody is hiding that big piece of matzah we broke off earlier. it would sure be a shame if the children had hidden it somewhere around the house. wow.
then you take another piece of matzah and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the matzah AND the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable AND the apple-fig-wine-honey mashup from earlier and you eat them ALL TOGETHER, WOW
this symbolizes SLAVERY IN EGYPT in that oh god is it time for food yet.
then you EAT DINNER!!! FINALLY!! IT’S GONNA HAVE BRISKET, IT’S GONNA HAVE KUGEL, IT’S GONNA HAVE MATZO BALL SOUP, IT’S GONNA HAVE HARD BOILED EGGS, IT’S GONNA HAVE GEFILTE FISH, IT’S GONNA HAVE CHOCOLATE-COVERED MATZAH, IT’S GONNA BE A PAAAAARTY
and the “dessert”, last thing eaten, is that big piece of matzah from earlier
oh no. where did it go.
so the children are like “GIMME ITUNES GIFT CARDS AND YOU CAN HAVE THE MATZAH BACK.” (alternately: the parents hide the matzah and the children are like LOOK, WE FOUND IT!! CAN WE HAVE ITUNES GIFT CARDS?) and everyone eats a little of it and the meal is Over.
AAAAAND YOU DRINK ANOTHER CUP OF WINE. (technically the third, but you’ve probably drunk a few during the meal, so. all power to you.)
AAAAAND you pour another cup of wine and open the front door so the prophet elijah can come in and drink it! (and so that local medieval christians can see that you do not, in fact, have their children dead and laid out for eating on your front table. YOU ARE NOT USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. NO ONE IS USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. PLEASE STOP BURNING US JESUS FUCK.)
and close the door cos you are letting the cold air in and sing ONE LITTLE KID, ONE LITTLE KID MY FATHER BOUGHT FOR TWO ZUZIM. CHAD GADYAAAAAAAH CHAD GAD YAH.
(kid as in BABY GOAT, medieval christians, holy shit, calm down)
AAAAAAAAND YOU DRINK ANOTHER CUP OF WINE.
and clink glasses and say “l’shanah haba’ah berushalayim!” which means “next year in jerusalem!” (or, if you are me, you politely mouth this and smile a lot and don’t make eye contact with anyone. YAY JUDAISM)
AAAAAAAAAAAND you do not drive home.