they are all a bunch of fruits

thetransintransgenic  asked:

(Could you also do that sort of... energetic... summary of the Seder itslef? Because I Feel Like That Could Be Fun.)


so there is one (1) vital thing about the Jewish Passover Seder, and it is that you are biblically commanded to drink four cups of wine. (AT LEAST. you can drink more. if u like.) why are you commanded to do this? REASONS!

so you get all 45 people in your family into one room and you give em all chairs with cushions and you lay out the SEDER PLATE, which has:

  3. a less shitty vegetable, which we will dip in SALT WATER. this represents SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which was much like SALT WATER in that we CRIED A SHITTON.
  4. three MATZAH CRACKERS stacked on top of each other. this represents SLAVERY IN EGYPT, which involved a lot of VERY BAD BREAD.
  7. an ORANGE (optional). this represents FUCK YOU.

so A OF ALL, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS DRINK CUP OF WINE NUMBER ONE. you can say a blessing over it if you are a half-decent jew. i am not a half-decent jew and you should give me wine.


C OF ALL you get to EAT SOMETHING!! you take the Less Shitty Vegetable and you stick it in the salt water and you eat it. the Less Shitty Vegetable is usually parsley, but i’ve heard that some ashkenazi jews use potatoes, which is… really polish. “what the fuck,” you may ask. we’re GETTING TO IT.

interlude: remember those 3 matzah pieces you had from Seder Plate Item Number Four? yr gonna take the one in the middle and break it in half. then yr gonna take the bigger half and set it aside. again we’re GETTING TO IT.

you point @ the matzah pieces and go “this is the bread of affliction!” (yep, says everyone who will be eating it for the next week.) “all who are hungry, come and eat, all who are needy come and celebrate with us.” (traditionally u are supposed to invite, like, The Poor to have passover with u. SHOCKINGLY most people don’t do this.)

then the Youngest Person At The Table– or if you are in my family, The Only Person Who Has Bothered To Memorize The Four Questions In Hebrew– asks the Four Questions, which basically boil down to “WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS WEIRD AND GROSS-TASTING HOLIDAY.”

  • another interlude, while my dad settles and prepares to tell The Passover Joke.
  • a man is preparing to be knighted. the ceremony involves kneeling in front of the queen and saying a phrase in latin. the man practices carefully, but when the time comes, he panics and says, “ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?” the queen turns to her advisor and says, “why is this knight different from all other knights?”
  • my dad nods solemnly. we have told The Passover Joke.


next of all you are going to talk about the Four Children, which is a hilarious and very mean parable that goes thusly:

  • so basically you’ve got four kids
  • one of em, the Wise Child, goes “what are the statutes and laws and testimonies that god has commanded us to do?” instead of shoving this kid in a locker and giving him a noogie, as is your instinct, the rabbinical council has (apparently) commanded us to explain all the laws and customs of the seder. THIS IS WHY THE ENTIRE WORLD SHOVES US IN LOCKERS AND GIVES US NOOGIES, GUYS.
  • one of em, the Wicked Child, goes “what does all this mean to you?” upon which you answer, “god saved us the fuck from slavery. since you apparently don’t wanna be a PART of this DINNER or this FAMILY i guess you would not have been INCLUDED AT THE TIME.”
  • side note: sometimes i read, like, fanfiction about jewish characters, and they have passover, and it’s so Nice and Joyous and Spiritual and i’m like. hahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahhahahahah
  • guys
  • family, guys.
  • no.
  • ANYWAY: one of em, the Simple Child, goes “what is this?” you say, “god saved us the fuck from slavery, kid. be quiet, the meal’s coming soon.”
  • and the last, the Child Who Does Not Know How To Ask A Question, does… not ask a question. but you explain everything to them anyway because they’re cute.

then we talk about the TEN PLAGUES; the ten plagues are pretty miserable, and we really do feel bad about them, so we stick our fingers in our glass of wine and put drops of wine on our plates for every one of the plagues while singing about it. y’all if i’m giving up the wine you know i’m serious.


and drink another cup of wine, to forget.

then the adults go and Wash Their Hands. it’s gonna take a really long time, guys. certainly hope nobody is hiding that big piece of matzah we broke off earlier. it would sure be a shame if the children had hidden it somewhere around the house. wow.

then you take another piece of matzah and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the matzah AND the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable AND the apple-fig-wine-honey mashup from earlier and you eat them ALL TOGETHER, WOW

this symbolizes SLAVERY IN EGYPT in that oh god is it time for food yet.


and the “dessert”, last thing eaten, is that big piece of matzah from earlier

oh no. where did it go.

so the children are like “GIMME ITUNES GIFT CARDS AND YOU CAN HAVE THE MATZAH BACK.” (alternately: the parents hide the matzah and the children are like LOOK, WE FOUND IT!! CAN WE HAVE ITUNES GIFT CARDS?) and everyone eats a little of it and the meal is Over.

AAAAAND YOU DRINK ANOTHER CUP OF WINE. (technically the third, but you’ve probably drunk a few during the meal, so. all power to you.)

AAAAAND you pour another cup of wine and open the front door so the prophet elijah can come in and drink it! (and so that local medieval christians can see that you do not, in fact, have their children dead and laid out for eating on your front table. YOU ARE NOT USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. NO ONE IS USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. PLEASE STOP BURNING US JESUS FUCK.)

and close the door cos you are letting the cold air in and sing ONE LITTLE KID, ONE LITTLE KID MY FATHER BOUGHT FOR TWO ZUZIM. CHAD GADYAAAAAAAH CHAD GAD YAH.

(kid as in BABY GOAT, medieval christians, holy shit, calm down)


and clink glasses and say “l’shanah haba’ah berushalayim!” which means “next year in jerusalem!” (or, if you are me, you politely mouth this and smile a lot and don’t make eye contact with anyone. YAY JUDAISM)

AAAAAAAAAAAND you do not drive home.

Hufflepuff Through The Seasons.

Summer: Waking up to golden light streaming through your barely closed curtains, the sound of birds chirping, nestling yourself deeper into the few white sheets that cover you. Enjoying the longer days in the sun, the warmth and the earthy smells. Spending hours playing silly, child-hood games with your friends or sitting on the front porch with a cat curled up on your lap. Sipping at chilled, lemon tea, and the sound of the soft chink of ice cubes against the glass. frantic water fights, tag-teaming against your other friends. Then watching as the last rays of sun sink beyond the horizon. The pink glow of the dusk filled clouds. Then finally settling back into bed, with a warm cup of tea and a book, while you listen to the cicadas through the open window. A light breeze sending you off to sleep.

Autumn: Waking up with a few more blankets piled on your bed, most fallen off from the still warm nights. The sun still starting to come up and the air slightly crisp. Mist laying on the distant hills.The sound of the kettle as you make tea, drinking it quietly in your warm bed. Sleeping a few extra hours, snuggling deep in your blankets. Walking through trees, laced with red, yellow and brown. Disturbing piles of freshly racked leaves, collecting a few rare beauties as you go. Stocking piling acorns like a squirrel for no reason, then feeling sad when you accidentally drop or lose one. Roasting chestnuts over an open fire. Watching as the days grow shorter and the trees deader in preparation for winter. Watching the rain pour down from the ledge near the window, nestling into a newly brought jumper. Indulging yourself in the seasonal treats. Trick or treating with your friends even though you know you’re already too old. Falling asleep under growing layers of blankets , to the feint sound of trickling rain.

Winter: Experiencing your first frost. Waking up colder than you wished. Burrowing deeper into your blankets to warm up. Eventually crawling up to make yourself a hot cup of tea while still being wrapped in every blanket you own. Feet crunching through frozen grass to get the mail. Puffing out balls of steam, pretending your a dragon. Watching as the snow begins to fall silently. Having brutal snow ball fights with friends and making snowmen and snow angels. Warming your feet up in front of the fire and drying your snow covered clothing. The sweet smell of steam in the warm air. The smell of wood smoke. Setting up the Christmas lights and the Christmas trees. Wrapping paper littering the floor. Smells wafting in from the extravagant Christmas feast. Waving your friends and family goodbye, feeling content. The sound of the kettle as you search for your long lost hot water bottle. Preparing for the cold night a head. Watching as the sun goes down early, the last blankets off snowing drifting peacefully. The dozens of blankets piled on your bed. Snuggling in deep, feeling like a badger or hedgehog. Falling asleep to the warmth of your hot water bottle.

Spring: Waking up to the fresh noise of bird song. Shoving off your blankets as the days get warmer. Snow melting and plant life is popping up everywhere. The fresh, crisp scent, like the morning after a storm. Yellow Daffodils nodding their heads in the soft breeze. Soft rain showers. Green everywhere. You pick bunches of Daffodils, and make daisy chains for all your friends. You watch as you cat turns another year older. You celebrate Easter with more chocolate than you need, feeling sick by the end of it. You watch as the days, once again, grow longer and warmer. You dance around, making dandelion wishes. Picking plums from trees and eating the sweet fruit. Making over sweet Jam with the leftover plums. Watching as sky lines appear more frequent in the deep blue sky. The silent droning of passing planes, that seem a life time away. watching as new born lambs learn to walk and prance around, giddy to explore. Feeling happy as the world feels reborn. Playing on an old chain swing, tied to a small oak. watching as the sun sets slowly. Prolonged, as if it is reluctant to see the new season’s first day die. You boil up a cup of tea and settle in bed, listening to another shower of spring rain. You sip at your tea, as your cat curls up on top of your covers. You fall asleep, dreaming for the next Summer, Autumn, and Winter.

elennare  asked:

If you have the time and inclination, I'd love to see the Avengers' reaction to learning Phil Coulson's alive (because they MUST know by now)... And especially your Laura Barton's reaction - what kind of fruit basket do you send to say "glad you're not dead, don't ever do that to us again"?

Laura sent him a fruit basket of whole pineapples (he was allergic) and a note that read Cooper cried all the way through your funeral, you bastard. 

An unstamped postcard appeared in her mailbox a few days later– a generic glossy image of a Maine lighthouse on a high green bluff. No signature, but Phil’s square handwriting. My apologies for the inconvenience

She threw the card on the counter, grabbed the axe from the woodshed, and chopped firewood until her arms screamed, because if she was going to be in a fury she might as well make it a productive one. 

Laura wasn’t Level Seven or above– she wasn’t any Level, technically, as according to SHIELD she didn’‘t technically exist these days– but she had friends in high places. Or low ones. It was a matter of perspective. She had found out about Phil Coulson before Clint, because Clint only broke rules because of his big heart and she’d always broken them because of her nosy mind. 

She had called Clint immediately–before the fruit basket–to pass on the (good–she was furious, but it was good, it was good) news. Clint had said, “Oh,” in a great terrible relieved rush of air. 

While the landline was passed among Lila and Cooper so they could chatter at their father, Laura had called Natasha on her cell. She’d said, “Oh,” too, but there was no rush of air, no exhale, no exclamation, because Natasha understood about resources, about conserving them, always had. 


“I bet that’s where Melinda May went,” Natasha said. “But, anyway, how’d Lila’s recital go?“ 

Laura didn’t tell Tony, Steve, or Bruce, though she was tempted. But it would be petty, not kind, and she tried to cling to kindness by her ragged fingernails. 

Phil used words like inconvenience when he meant pain. He said compromised when he meant possessed and involuntarily homicidal, when he meant lost. He was a man of euphemisms and Laura tried to roll with it– her son preferred sign to speech most days, her husband was a hard-of-hearing ex-carnie, her best friend was a slippery, sweet ex-child-soldier who carried all her cards and all her hurt close to her chest. Laura understood that no one spoke the same language and that part of loving someone was looking for what words meant in their hands. 

"Apology not accepted, you prick,” she told him as soon as he picked up the phone. The friend of a friend who got her the number didn’t know or didn’t tell her where exactly Phil was, but a different friend of a different friend told her the mission, and another told her the coordinates. Laura was a friendly gal. She listened for ambient noise, hints of the crowded city she knew he was chasing uncanny phenomena in, and heard nothing. 

“Which otherwise excellent employee of this agency did you coerce into betraying classified information this time?" 

"Maybe one of your shiny new team,” she snapped. “Have you even spoken to Natasha, since, Phil? What the hell? What were you thinking?”

“We were thinking that without a united front, against Loki–”

Laura paced over the kitchen floor Clint had put in by hand during a chill autumn during which even the kids grew tired of take-out. “Did you think they’d only fight for you if you were dead? Did you not trust them to believe in the fight?”

“I understand you’re defensive of your husband–”

“I’m not angry for Clint’s sake,” she snapped, and Phil went quiet. “He gave a toast in your honor and came home to hold his children. He was always going to get through this.”

“Angry for yourself, then, Mrs. Barton? Laura, I never knew you cared." 

"I send you fucking fruit baskets, don’t you even joke. You taught my kids how to whittle, you shut your undead fucking mouth, Phil. But it’s not even that. They were a bunch of squabbling petty children up there, weren’t they?” she said. “Clint doesn’t talk about that particular fight, but I’ve met them now, and I can imagine. Tony, lord. I get what you were trying to do. You were dumb, but I get it." 

"Then why are you angry?" 

"You should have trusted her.”

“Ah,” said Phil. “Romanoff." 

"I get not trusting all the caped crusaders, not then, not yet, but you all keep leaving Natasha.” She clutched the cord of the phone in her hand, winding it around and around her palm. “You all keep leaving her, and not even having the decency to die." 

"It was a delicate situation– Fury’s death even more than mine." 

"And you think Natasha can’t handle delicate? She has been dying for you for years, and she hasn’t earned your trust yet? Phil, godamnit.”

“We thought she could handle it." 

"She could. She did. She shouldn’t have to." 

Laura strained to hear the ambient sounds under his silence, staring out the kitchen window at Cooper making rock towers and sandy canyons at the pond’s edge. She felt muffled, locked out, smothered with only the bare staticky sound of Phil’s voice making it over the line. 

"I apologize for the inconvenience,” he said, and he said it softly.

Worth It

There’s not much on Bitty’s shopping list.

Eggs, butter, milk, strawberry and cinnamon Pop-Tarts along with a few other odds and ends. 

Nursey asked him to pick up floss and Chowder would like more blue Powerade. 

Stop & Shop is virtually empty this time of night so they have the produce section to themselves.

Jack pushes the cart and follows Bitty around, stopping when he pauses to frown at the out of season strawberries and raspberries.

Jack has promised to take him to the Farmers Market in Providence over the summer.

Keep reading

First time I met Brendon, he was in a dressing room, and he was throwing a tray full of fruit into a shower. And I kind of stood there staring  at him for a minute, I was like, what is this little kid doing right now- he was so, so just like, intent on throwing all the fruit in the shower and smashing it. So I just asked him, I was like, ‘What are you doing right now?’ And he’s like, 'Well I wanted to throw the fruit somewhere, but I didn’t wanna make it a mess for whoever has to clean it up.’ So he was both being punk rock and very respectful, all at the same time.
—  Zack Hall, on his first time meeting Brendon Urie

**please do not delete the text or self-promote**

hello, loves! rei and i have decided to host our very first awards together called the cocktail awards :)

🍸 Rules 🍸

  • must be following rei @sihlvers and i @vanillahs (we will be checking)
  • reblog this post at least once
  • likes are only bookmarks

🍸 Categories 🍸

  • apple rickey - best overall
  • raspberry peach punch - best icon
  • cherry cream soda - best url
  • basil grapefruit ginger spritzer - best theme
  • gin and tonic - best posts  
  • coconut lavender lemonade - best colour scheme
  • emerald palmer - sihlvers favourite
  • passion fruit summer drink - vanillahs favourite

🍸 Perks 🍸

  • two new friends (!!!!!)
  • a follow from both of us (if we are not already following you)
  • a spot on an absolutely beautiful page found here

🍸 Higher Chance 🍸

  • talk to us (increases your chances a bunch)
  • reblog this post more than once
  • reblog rei’s other awards here
  • follow alyssa on social media found here

🍸 Other 🍸

  • rei designed the stunning banner and created the winners page as well, so check out all of her other awesome designs on her theme page here
  • we will pick the winners once we are happy with the notes
  • good luck & happy reblogging

thank you so much, beauties! have a great day/night :)

A Beginner's Guide to Detoxing

For tmphenomenon:

I was looking forward to writing this for you because I love seeing young, black people do things to better their overall health (so we can be fine and sexy forever and slay into eternity, Amen). ALSO, ‘CAUSE, YOU’RE FAM FOR LIFE!!!

Why people detox:

When we enjoy delicious ass shit from our affordable fast food restaurants, we are destroying our body. Most of the time, the food we eat has been fried, dyed, processed, “enriched,” packaged, repackaged, and distributed, so by the time it gets to us it’s not really even food, though it tastes fucking amazing. It really messes with our internal health and perspective, clouding our judgment and fucking up our life. The healthier you eat and drink in general, the more clarity you have.

To combat the nasties, your body needs mini-cleanses every now and then so your digestive system can properly eliminate the bad, allowing for the absorption of good vitamins and nutrients we actually need. This strengthens your immune system and cleanses the blood. It also helps to block certain negative creepy crawlies that try to infect our cells.

The body eliminates toxins via the kidneys, intestines, lungs, skin, and lymph nodes, but most of the time it’s using all of its energy to break down everything we eat. Therefore, the toxins just float around and wreck havoc because the body ain’t got time to kick them out.

Buckle, up! Here we go! 


Food + drinks:

1. Lots of liquids- this flushes out all the bad stuff. It’s good that you already drink lots of water, but we need to kick that up a notch with herbs that will help cleanse your liver and colon, bettering your overall digestive health. I, of course, being a ratchet hippie, recommend tea. 

 a) infuse water overnight (slices of cucumber or lemon in a bottle). See tumblr for the chart of when is best to drink water for the most benefits + recipes at bottom.

b) green tea or herbal tea, start off with green +honey then work your way up 

c) juice! -fresh, not-from-concentrate, not- bullshit into thinking it’s healthy

You don’t even need a juicer, honestly. pour some water in a blender and spinach in there. BOOM. juice.

2. Fresh fruits and veggies (it’s cheaper to do this in smoothie-form). Big bags of spinach, bananas, and whatever fruit you blended up in a cheap blender (I got my from Wal-Mart for $15 and found another one at Goodwill for 3).

3. Fiber: This will help your body get rid of the toxins easier. I recommend eating at least one of the following ever day: brown rice, sprouted bread (NOTHING “enriched,” that just means bleached to look pretty -__-), cabbage, broccoli, spirulina, chlorella, etc. Fruits and veggies have an ass of fiber, so if you’re already eating those, you’re good.*

*If you don’t want to do the actual work, I recommend Bolthouse farms green juices. They taste good, have no preservatives, and are like 2.35 for 8 servings at Aldi. If y'all don’t have Aldi, I’ll get you some. Also, a lot of people mix these with water to stretch them, but also to make sure your body isn’t overwhelmed.

4. Take some type of vitamin. When I was drunk I ranted about “eating the rainbow,” because different colors correspond to different essential nutrients we need to survive the human experience. These colors also correspond to the 7 chakras. If you’re eating right, it balances other aspects of your life as well. Most of the time ain’t nobody got money or time for that, so buy a cheap one-a-day multivitamin so you won’t shock your body during detox.

What do the colors of fruits and veggies mean? (pic via @catasana)

Blue/purple= high antioxidant + balance bood pressure

Green= remove toxins and carcinogens, also sources of vitamin K, folic acid, omega 3 fatty acids

Yellow= Lutein (good for eyes), healthy fats, pretty skin

Red= powerful antioxidants 

Orange= vitamins A +C

Tans/weird beiges–usually high fiber content

5. Healthy fats- Depending on how long you want to detox, you’ll need to reintroduce heavier foods into your diet, after mostly eating fruits, vegetables, seeds, etc., so you won’t shock your body when you eat a piece of pizza

Try: Salmon, avocados, walnuts, etc.

6. Simply substitute slowly (alliteration for that ass!) Going cold turkey will make you miserable. Instead of french fries, get sweet potato fries. Instead of ranch dressing, get Italian or something oil/vinegar based. Instead of iceberg lettuce (which is honestly trash, and I would slap the fuck out of anyone who tried to serve it to me), get romaine. 

1 month detox:

First week: just drink one green smoothie/drink/tea (or eat your fill of fruit) every morning and don’t change anything else. Soon your body will start to crave whatever is in your smoothie.

You can also alternate between a green smoothie, a scrambled egg on toast w/ avocado, or BOTH. Whatever else you want that’s not like… frosted flakes you can pretty much have. You just want you body to get into a routine. Avoid heavy, delicious foods like pancakes, pasta (anything wheat-based. we’re prepping your digestive system) and no candy +sugar.

Second week: Make your breakfast AND lunch “green.” Have a big ass salad or lots of vegetables with a side of sweet potatoes or something. NO CHEESE (feta/goat cheese is okay though–easier for body to digest and less allergenic). We’re not even supposed to have dairy products, because it doesn’t agree with our systems at all, plus it’s gross (but so delicious).

I tell non-vegetarians that it’s okay to have chicken and lighter choices, but stay away from beef and dairy products. Listen to your body. Once it’s detoxing, you’ll start to crave everything you DON’T need to have. Especially sugar. Pretty much any fast food we eat is jacked up on sucrose. 

The first 2-3 days you might feel super crappy because your body is ridding yourself of toxins, but  once you get past that you’ll have an unusual amount of energy.

Third week: If you made it past the cravings hurdle, up the ante. Have a green juice before bed as well as in the morning. Stick with your one green meal for lunch or dinner. It is important that you eat enough, otherwise you will feel weak. Plants and herbs give you a lot of energy but you need to EAT them and drink them. We feel full after eating a burger but lethargic the next day because we just poisoned our body. We feel awesome after having a big ole salad because we basically just ate direct sun energy.

Last week: Listen to your body. The first time I did any kind of detox, I was so eager to stick to a plan, but every plan doesn’t work for everybody. Your body will tell you what it needs and by this time you’ll know what it is you’re supposed to be eating and drinking. It takes 21 days to break a habit (I don’t know if this is true, but let’s go with that).

Also, your body might not need a full month, and it might need longer than a month. You can tell how you’re doing by your energy level, whether or not you had a detox reaction (the feeling crappy, almost flu-like), and if you’re shitting regularly. 

Common types of detoxes:

Some people detox for weight loss, health issues, or just want to give their bodies a break. From what I’ve experienced, here are the most popular types:

1) Strictly juicing/liquids: unfeasible for you because you’re on your feet all day or using your energy on snapchat. The longest I’ve seen someone do a juice cleanse is for 41 days, but usually they’re 3-5, just to give your body a break)

2) All green- basically, no animal products and not a lot of processed food. Plant-based/(80/20 raw/cooked) are common forms. If you eat pasta/fries/pizza, you make it yourself and know all the ingredients going into it. Be cheap and buy frozen fruits and vegetables and make stir fry. Whatever you want to learn how to make, check out organigasm’s instagram and I’ll send you the recipe. It doesn’t have to be flavorless and fucking boring to be healthy.

3) Paleo- Yes: Fruits, Vegetables, Seafood, Nuts & Seeds, Healthy Fats, Lean Meat. No: Dairy, Grains, Processed Food, Processed Sugar, Legumes, Starches, Alcohol. Honestly, I think this diet is a fad that comes up with different names every few decades. Seriously, a bunch of rich people use this to diet or have “healthy lifestyles,” but thousands upon thousands of families don’t have access to these types of foods. I digress.


1. Set your intentions when you wake up in the morning. Example: “Today, will be fan-fucking-tastic,” or you can thank the creator or thank your body for helping you out with your shenanigans. Keep it to yourself, write it down, shout it out, whatever. You need to start your day with positive thoughts to ensure you have the willpower to make it. You will crave everything you DO NOT need.

2. Work-out at least 30 minutes a day, and if you can’t do that, try 3/7 times a week. Start somewhere. Dance it out when you get out of the shower, walk down the street at a fast pace–whatever, again, just get moving.

3. For strength of body and mind, I recommend yoga, and I hope your stubborn ass considers it (it also makes for fun sex, I’m just saying).

Here’s a link to good poses for detoxing: + youtube and netflix have free videos FOR NOOBZ!#@

4. Before you go to bed, clear all the negative energy you can. I’m not gonna get into all the stuff, but like when you woke up, write it down, draw it out, etc.

Doing this throughout the detox will allow you to clear your mind and determine what works for you during this new journey!

5. Get enough sleep–This is a tough one, but while you’re sleeping your body does the most incredible things. Seriously, you will thank yourself. Even if you only get 4 hours of sleep, getting 15 extra minutes, then gradually increasing REALLY helps.

Final tips:

1. eat your biggest meal at lunchtime (your metabolism is peaking from about 12pm-8pm)

2. SLEEP. Seriously. Your body is healing you. Let it help.

3. I will help you meal prep, but frozen vegetables + canned beans, packaged nuts keep the costs of detoxing low. Also, farmer’s have good ass prices. Take a fine honey on a date to the farmer’s market and cook a sexy meal afterwards.

4. Try new things. Seriously. You can’t eat a cucumber and an apple every day and expect magic to happen. 

5. Don’t overcook anything. Leave that broccoli a little crunchy. Don’t kill the nutrients, bro.

6. cheat! allow yourself one day during the first two weeks to cheat on your detox, or whenever you fucking feel like. you deserve rounds… of krispy kreme donuts. TREAT. YO. SELF. 

7. Don’t count calories, or carbs, or whatever the fuck the newest pyramid says to do. 

Good Water Infusion Combos:

1. lemon/lime +mint + honey

2. strawberries, blueberries

3. pineapple + basil

4. grapefruit/orange

5. mango + peaches

6. apple+ cinnamon + honey 

Final thoughts: Really, once you get used to it, you’re always detoxing. Even drinking a cup of tea a day and still eating like shit is better than nothing.  Just be kind to yourself. It’s a process, and I’m still learning, but I get better every day. Good luck! I’m always here to help. 

Now, let’s go detox, y'all.



Requests: “Hello love! Could you write a smut with kol andd the reader where the reader is shy and kol finds out she has a crush and teases her like he s running around with no shirt and makes comments”

How could you have been so stupid enough to open the bathroom door when you knew Kol was in the shower. Sure maybe in the back of your mind you knew you had a crush on him. It was quite obvious and everybody saw that. But you knew Kol didn’t know it, so all is well.

“Oh god sorry!” You covered your eyes when you walked in on Kol, a towel hanging loosely around his waist and he was using another towel to dry his damp hair atop his head. “Um, b-bye.” You shook your head and slammed the door shut. Never had you seen him shirtless before, and you didn’t get to see details because of how quickly you left.  

Keep reading

georgiagirlagain  asked:

Shieldshock please!

Pairing:  Darcy/Steve

Word Count: 528

Prompt:  Thief

Tags:  No Powers AU, Royalty AU, Thief!Darcy, King!Steve, King/Commoner, Pre-relationship, Meet-Cute

Warnings: None

Darcy meandered through the crowds, her stomach rumbling so loudly, she was certain one of them was going to hear her coming.  

She needed something substantial.  Not just bread this time.  Something fresh.  Fruit.  The kids all really liked fruit.

Of course today there seemed to be tables and tables of melons.  All too big for the likes of Darcy to smuggle out under her dress.     

Grapes would be easy enough.  She could probably just nick one or two off each of the bunches.  The vendors would never miss them.  

She was about a dozen grapes in when she ran smack dab into a solid wall of man.  She was so alarmed, she dropped what she was holding. Grapes rolled everywhere.  

It took him a minute to realize what was happening.  He knelt to pick them up for her on instinct, but then realized that all the vendors were pointing.  Shouting.  

And Darcy was gone.  Running full tilt towards the angrier-by-second throngs of people because there wasn’t any way she was going to stick around for some dope to play white knight.  

Or she would have been gone if said dope didn’t accidentally trip her again.

His hands were on her waist and pulling her up to a standing position.  “She’s with me,” he said loudly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.  “She’s with me.”  

The angry shouts stopped.  The crowd that had been demanding her blood one second before was suddenly chastised by this tall – albeit – handsome specimen of the male species.  

He plucked an entire bunch of grapes off the end of the table, handing them to her.  “Here.”  

Darcy squinted up at him, trying to place where she’d seen his face before.  

It dawned on her around the time he’d loaded up her arms with bread and fruit and salted fish.  Enough for a week.  Or a day, if she shared with with all the kids she was looking after.  

She dropped down to her knee, wobbling slightly in the process.  “Your majesty….”  

“No…no…don’t do that…”  he reached for her arm, helping her stand once more.  “I haven’t been a king for the past 70 years, I’m not about to start now.”

She knew the legends.  How he’d been asleep for 70 years and woke up just a short while ago.  Right when the kingdom needed him the most.

“I’m sorry about…all of that…” he said, walking alongside her as they left the marketplace.  He’d taken a couple of the items from her to help ease her load.  “I hope I didn’t make things harder for you.”  

She shrugged.  “I’ll manage.”  

He smiled softly.  “How many will this feed?”  

“A dozen.  Children,” she returned.  “And me.”  

“And what will you do tomorrow?” he asked.  

“I’ll manage,” she repeated with a grin.  She hefted the things over onto one side, gesturing with her chin.  “I can take it from here.  Thank you…your majesty.”  

“Steve,” he corrected.  “And what is your name, if I can be so bold?”  


“If I were to come looking for you again, I could find you with just ‘Darcy’?”  

She smirked.  “If you come looking in the right places.”     

anonymous asked:

As someone that's following Another what kind of parents do you think the Furuba characters made? Do you have any headcanons? (particularly for Tohru&Kyo, Yuki&Machi, Shigure&Akito and Hatsuharu&Rin)

Hi!! Thanks for the ask anon! To answer your question: yes! I have many, many headcanons.

General notes:

-All of the sohmas who were once under the curse feared that the curse wasn’t really broken when they first found out they were having children. Everyone of them went through a “I can’t have a child! I could pass on the curse” phase during the pregnancy. Their S.O. had to calm them down.


-Kyo was probably the most terrified of all the zodiac to having a child. He’s still pretty traumatized from the events he experienced as a child and an adolescent, and he was so, so, so scared that he would pass on his curse to his innocent child.

-It even gave him nightmares. He’d wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and Tohru would calm him down

-Tohru was really supportive of him through it all. She knew Hajime was going to be totally fine and even if he somehow did get possessed by the curse she and Kyo would love him no matter what. That child was never ever gonna have the upbringing Kyo had.

-Tohru was unbelievably excited to find out she was pregnant. She cried tears of joy

-She cried again when she found out they were having a boy and said “I hope he’s just like Kyo-Kun!” and the thought of a little Kyo running around the house made her so happy she could burst.

-Kyo was made even more terrified when he found out it was a boy and desperately hoped the child was much more like Tohru in every way

-Kyo was just an anxious mess the entire time

-Kyo was doing everything for Tohru. She couldn’t start a task with Kyo around without him taking it away from her. “Kyo-kun I can do it-” “Sit down! You’re pregnant! What kind of man would I be if I let my pregnant wife do the dishes?!” and then he’d furiously wash the dishes.  

-This drove Tohru crazier than anything because she likes working and being busy. That being said, during the third trimester, she didn’t complain about it much lol

-When Tohru’s water broke they both screamed a lot.  

-When Tohru’s contractions started and she was in pain, Kyo nearly lost his mind

-She was only three weeks premature, but Kyo was convinced their son was going to be possessed

-Kyo was able to drive at this time so he drove her to the hospital

-His heart was beating SO FAST guys

-It was a relatively easy delivery and Kyo’s heart dropped when he saw the baby handed to Tohru

-As soon Kyo realized the baby wasn’t going to transform, he burst into hacking sobs. SOBS!

-He could NOT believe how beautiful his wife and child were. He immediately loved Hajime so, so, so much and promised he would live and die for him.

-Tohru was so delighted that Hajime looked like Kyo, but that still made Kyo feel weird and nervous

-Kyo called Shishou pretty immediately and obviously, he ran straight over since he’s Hajime’s only *real* grandparent. When Kyo showed him Hajime he quietly said “You’re a grandfather” and everyone was crying.  

-Literally, everybody loved Hajime and would die for him

-Kyo and Shishou were SO excited when he was old enough to start martial arts training

-Kyo and Shishou both brag about him being a natural

-Shishou DOTES on him. They love each other sm you guys

-Tohru is literally the perfect mother. She reads to him. Tells him he’s smart and kind and wonderful. He’s so supported and loved.

-They’re both SO proud of him because he’s smart and totally going to do big things

-Tohru cried when he left to go to high school at Kaibara. Kyo really misses him too, but he understood why he wanted to go there

-Hajime cried when he left the house on the car ride to Kinu’s house

-I wrote an entire fic on how Hajime found out about the curse (

-I’m totally gonna write a fic about Tohru’s pregnancy now fuck


-Yuki was super chill about the pregnancy except for when he first found out and when Machi went into labor

-He worried about the curse coming back, but he was much more sensible about it than Kyo

-Yuki treated her like a princess and Machi let him without complaint

-The hired maids did most of the work because they’re both shit at housework anyway

-Yuki was scared to tell Ayame because…Ayame…

-Ayame flipped the fuck out and said it would be the most beautiful child second only to his precious Hibika (Chizuru hadn’t been born yet, so Mutsuki is actually third lol)

-Ayame dotes on his Nephew obvi

-When Machi found out Mutsuki was shiny like his father “…Will this be okay? No…I’m sure it’s better he’s like his father…” but she foresaw many a girl fighting over him and that he would be the cause of much bullying. The real curse of being a Sohma…

-The whole family is a bunch of spaced out idiots who are also geniuses

-Presented with a diaper…Machi/Yuki were a disaster. Tohru came to help often. They still sucked at it. They’d forget baby powder and stuff, and eventually, the nanny just did it. Yuki’s hella rich so they just did that during the diaper years.

-They were really supportive and loving however, but lacked some serious skills lol

-Likewise, Mutsuki is lacking a serious skill in cleaning haha

-The hired help is constantly -_-

-Machi and Yuki completely spoil Mutsuki, but Yuki was determined to teach him kindness

-Yuki would only get actually mad at Mutsuki if he did something unkind. Mutsuki teased a girl in elementary school and after the talking to his father gave him…NEVER AGAIN! Mutsuki’s naturally kind, but he took the lesson with him for life


-Haru was chill, but excited. Rin was a terrified mess

-Rin was Kyo 2.0 basically

-Haru only freaked out when he found out it was twins

-He freaked out for .2 seconds and then was like “neat…”


Haru: “lol probably”


Haru: “Everyone’s parents fuck them up it’s fiiiiiiine”

Rin: “YOU’RE THE WORST” *freaks out more*

-Haru at some point had to get serious about calming her ass down because it was gonna start affecting the pregnancy

-How the naming conversation went:

Rin: What should we name them?

Haru: *literally playing Kingdom Hearts right fucking now* *Stops, then looks her dead in the eye, completely fucking serious* Riku and Sora.

Rin: …

Haru: …

Rin: …I love it.

-Haru loves KH and he said it as a joke, but then actually really liked it. He thought “Land” and “Sky” for twins was great.

-Rin watches Haru play KH and she’s begrudgingly sucked in. She likes Riku because he’s cool like Haru and she likes Sora because he’s kind like Haru. She knew Haru was kidding, but kinda loved it and it stuck.

-Rin is the Strict Mom™ and Haru is Fun Dad™

-They all get along and love each other sm, but Riku is a momma’s boy and Sora is a daddy’s girl. Rin has a soft spot for Riku because he reminds her of Haru and Haru has a soft spot for Sora because she reminds him of Rin (looks wise)

-Haru and Riku can clash because they’re similar in a lot of ways.

-Sora’s just a love bug

-Riku would literally take a bullet for Sora

-Basically Haru and RIn are stupid in love and they have two stupid kids that love them a lot


-He’s literally the best husband/brother/father ever and he loves the women in his life sooooo much he could die

-He cried when he found out his wife was pregnant and just kept crying about it

-He just looks at Mina on the daily and cries about it. He’s a mess.

-He’s a world-renowned violinist and basically, he lives his dream every fucking day because he deserves it and that’s 100% what happened fight me

So, in conclusion, they’re all a bunch of traumatized losers/cinnamon rolls who love their loser children

anonymous asked:

do you know any YA books where the characters are already out and it's not really an issue in the book? Just something fluffy and nice like a traditional YA romance just with queer characters? I'm so hungry for something gay and happy.

Yup! The Ask right before this was for wlw, so here’s my list of bi and lesbian faves:

And two fave fun ones with a bunch of POVs that include a wlw one with a cute romance:

Those are all contemps, but if you want SFF too, check out Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Cordova, Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst, and Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis.

That’s all bi and/or lesbian rep. (I should also probably add Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit by Jaye Robin Brown - I’m always on the fence about whether that counts as coming out because she has to go back into the closet and hide the fact that she’s out from her love interest and new friends, but she’s Out when the book starts, kinda like Openly Straight by Bill Konigsberg, so, your mileage may vary.)

For gay and bi male rep, check out:

  • Perfect 10 by L. Philips
  • How to Repair a Mechanical Heart by JC Lillis (still a bit of an issue because reconciling faith and queerness is a big part of the book, but it’s still delightfully fluffy. Highly recommend reading this and then A&B.)
  • The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee
  • The Love Interest by Cale Dietrich feels worth a shout here because even though it doesn’t quite fit…it also kinda does, and it’s a good choice if you want gay and happy without angst being centered around coming out

Trans rep is pretty limited on this front; all I can think that’s already out is Jess, Chunk, and the Road Trip to Infinity by Kristin Elizabeth Clark, which is not my fave in certain rep respects but I do appreciate for this. 


I just remembered this one time long ago I found a Stan x Kyle fanfiction called “The Gift” or something like that where Stan was gonna give Kyle a present. The author gave a warning saying it had EXTREME LEMON and usually when a warning in a story says that it means it’s gonna be sexual. But when I continued reading I found out that Stan’s gift to Kyle was just a bunch of lemons. Like literal truck loads of the actual fruit. There was nothing sexual at all. No sex. Just fruit. That was the whole fanfiction. Stan giving Kyle actual lemons.

It was the most surreal experience of my life.

anonymous asked:

Apologies if it's been done, but maybe the RFA trying to help an MC who struggles to eat enough/regularly?


  • he sends little messages to MC as reminders
  • he tries to always send a different message with a cute little comment too
  • also, if MC is staying at home he’ll make their favorite food and remind them that it’s there if they want to eat it
  • he has this cute way of reminding MC with his messages like… so many emojis… ocasional typos he then rushes to correct
  • he’s always gently reminding MC about it in small but actually useful ways like that, maybe some sticky notes around the house or some messages here and there


  • she knows it’s no good to skip meals, but she also gets it’s difficult for MC
  • she tries to serve MC a decently sized portion but never shames them for not eating everything
  • since she starts spending more time with MC, she’s always there to remind MC to come to the table
  • she asks MC to help her cook because that helps open up the apetite
  • if she’s away, she’ll make sure to remind MC through the phone, but always stresses out thinking that maybe MC didn’t eat or maybe the food she left in the house went bad- which never happens, but she still stresses


  • he stocks up his fridge
  • hard to remind MC to eat when all there is there is week-old beer and half of a goldfish bread huh
  • he gets a bunch of MC’s favourite snacks and fruits and all that good jazz
  • cute calls reminding MC to eat
  • since he’s often rehearsing, he calls MC when it’s his lunchtime so he and MC an eat while in the call
  • it feels like they’re eating together in a sense
  • it helps MC eat regularly, and also makes Zen feel happy; it’s a double win


  • he tells his chefs some of the foods MC likes
  • since the meals are brought in, they serve as pretty good reminders of when to eat
  • still, Jumin does tell MC that if they really feel like they can’t eat, to just leave the meal there- to not force themselves to clean the plate
  • and even though the delivery of the food is enough of a reminder, Jumin makes sure to send a message
  • if he’s not in a meeting, he’ll call and check up on MC and Elizabeth 3rd


  • at first he does the usual- pop in where MC is and remind them that maybe it’s time to eat something
  • he develops a code and puts it in MC’s phone (he can do it. apple aint got nothing on him with their “secure os” he can modify that)
  • it simply sends a notification with a set time interval reminding MC to maybe eat
  • of course the notification sound is probably a dorky sound of him
  • because why wouldn’t it be
Foreigner {2}

Jackson Wang X Reader


Word Count: 1,386

Anon asked: OMG! The dating Jackson one was so perf! <3 Could we maybe get a little Jackson fluff? Like maybe you are new to Korea and he’s one of the first people you run into and he’s just super sweet and helpful…or whatever you want!

Summary: You moved to Seoul, Korea only to find out that everything is so different than back home. Seeing you struggle to navigate, a man walks up to you to provide help but soon realizes you’re much more than a confused girl on the sidewalk (✿´‿`)

A/N: First off, I really like this request! Second, I’m in love with this gif. Third, I’ll update the next chapter sometime tomorrow!

(☞゚ヮ゚)☞ Requests open for got7 ☜(゚ヮ゚☜)

Originally posted by kpopeyton

Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3

 As your eyes begin to flicker open, you shield yourself from the sun that’s beaming into your room. It doesn’t take long for you to recall the events of yesterday which cause you to smile brightly.
How does a stranger make me so happy?

 You get off of the bed that currently lays on the floor and walk over to your phone that was on top of a cardboard box. You hadn’t unpacked much of anything so your house was currently just filled with random furniture and boxes.

 When you pressed the home button, you noticed a few text messages. Two were from your best friend back home, asking about your first full day in Seoul and the other was from, Jackson?

Jackson Wang
Good morning! I don’t know what you're doing today but I’m free if you need me ^̮^

You blush after reading his message and then text him back.

Keep reading

smallandsundry  asked:

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young


kim’s parents buy her a car.  it’s supposed to make her Care Again About Important Things.  mostly it makes her grumble because it means they can make her do the grocery shopping.  so instead she tells her parents she’s going camping for a weekend, rounds up the others, and sets off on a road trip.

whatever, it’s summer break.  they can do whatever they want.

zack: uncontrollable ball of worry about his mom, even though she and billy’s mom are legitimate bffs now and she’s staying with mrs cranston while they’re away.  he calls to check in every hour.

jason: PACK MOM.  makes everyone go to the bathroom when they stop for gas.  reminds billy to drink water.  tries to start rousing games of eye spy.  regulates the snack trade to make sure kim and trini don’t hoard all of the fruit by the foot.

billy: navigator, trivia whore, overall bundle of joy.  coordinates karaoke for all of their terrible voices.  accidentally almost gets in a fight with a bunch of bikers at a gas station by telling one of them his forearm tattoo has a typo in it.

trini: cool dad ™ to jason’s pack mom.  sneaks extra snacks to people. throws things at jason when he’s being too serious. knows more trivia than billy and is very bored by all of it.  

kim: vodka mom.  insists that as car owner she never has to be car driver and spends the whole time drinking vodka cranberries in the back seat with her feet up in jason’s lap and head in trini’s.  makes fun of everyone and gets sloppy affectionate by the fourth hour.

[REACTION] Hip-Hop Unit When You’re Having Flight Anxiety

Because pre-flight anxiety is something I suffer from (unfortunately… can anyone relate? No?), I thought I would think about how the HH Unit would help their S/O cope with their crippling fear of flying on planes hmm where can I find myself a hip-hop unit?



  • Such. A. Sweetheart.
  • When the attendant announces the take-off he just immediately holds your hand and pulls you against his body
  • “It’s okay, baby, just lean your head against my chest. I’m here for you.”
  • One hand across your cheek that covers your eyes and ears, while your head is safely tucked under his chin
  • Hums quietly to some of his songs while tapping the hand on the small of your back to the rhythm
  • (his personal favourite song to sing to you is obviously Lean)
  • Doesn’t let go of you until you’re safe in the air
  • “Baby I’m going to let go now, will that be okay?” and smiles when you nod with your face still pressed against the lapels of his coat.
  • Lets go of you with the softest kiss on your forehead.
  • “Lean on me anytime, there’s nothing to be afraid of when I’m around.”

Originally posted by cafewoozi


  • Tries to calm you down enough to fall asleep before take-off
  • Once you’re in your seats he spreads out the blanket between the both of you and places the pillow snugly on your abdomen. 
  • holds your hands tight in his under the blanket (squeals)
  • “Do you want me to read to you?” 
  • Pulls out his favourite book and lets you lie against his shoulder with his arm across your body.
  • Reads to you in his deep, raspy voice, doesn’t even care if you’re paying attention to the story. He just lets the vibrations of his chest lull you to deep sleep
  • Rubs you comfortingly during the take-off and gently kisses the frowns off your face when you appear uncomfortable.
  • Doesn’t even move or wake you up when you’re in the air because your sleeping face makes him so soft 

Originally posted by wonwoowho


  • When you start getting jittery on your seat, he prompts you to look at him and BAM he pulls out a stash of clear fruit candy he had snatched (by the handful rofl) off the check-in counter
  • “Babe, look what I got.” “Oh my god Mingyu is this legal?!”
  • Doesn’t answer you and simply unwraps a bunch of candies than stuff them in your mouth
  • and you both end up giggling stupidly to each other with cheeks full of sweets.
  • As a bonus, he would slip his iPad under your blanket and its already preloaded with all 20 episodes of your favourite drama
  • and you make it a game to inconspicuously watch your drama without getting caught by the attendant (ft so much giggling) and you’re eventually distracted from the take-off

Originally posted by fujiwoozi


  • Pre-flight, he’d already have a playlist filled with your favourite songs, ballads mostly, to help you calm down
  • Slips in a few of his own unreleased songs in there because he knows that nothing is able to calm you down more than his own voice
  • Wordlessly slips his prized headphones over your ears once you hear the plane engines rev up. Smiles at you assuringly while he slowly ups the volume to drown out the background noise.
  • When you appear to be relaxed, he would gently lay his hand on your lap, massaging it while he leans his head atop of yours. 
  • He’d just be silently drinking in the sight of you listening to his music with your eyes peacefully closed
  • “You okay, babe?” he would ask when you remove his headphones, and kisses your knuckles when you tell him you’re fine. “I’m glad.”

Originally posted by sneezes


This is Part Four in “Together”

Pairing: Jensen x Reader x Jared
Words:  1294

Read “Needy”
Read “Deserving”
Read “Loving”

Warning: Injury…I’m sorry guys…

A/N: The “Our Girl” series will be back after the first 6 parts of “Together,” so feel free to continue submitting ideas for it.
A/N2: If you want to be tagged in anything, just let me know.

          “Y/N!” you heard Jensen’s voice calling your name.

           You opened your eyes and were slightly disoriented at first. You weren’t in your bed or in your own apartment.

           You rolled over and saw the window that had the beautiful view of the beach. You were on your promised vacation.

           “Y/N!” Jensen and Jared both called your name from somewhere in the beach house the three of you were in.

           You got out of bed, “Yeah?” you called back sleepily.

           “Come down here, Baby,” Jared said.

           You walked to the top of the stairs and looked down at your waiting boyfriends, “What are you doing?” you asked.

           “We have something for you,” Jensen said, “Come here.”

           You walked down the stairs, feeling their eyes on you as you neared where they were standing, “How long have you two been up?”

           “Long enough,” they both said.

Keep reading

Harrison and Tom go shopping

Harrison sighed, grabbing the basket next to the door. This was the worst part about staying in self-contained flats when filming: having to buy food. Especially when jet lagged, under caffeinated and starving. Also, the fact that Tom was none of these things made Harrison want to punch his best friend. He wasn’t going too, no way, but still, it was tempting.

Keep reading

“I was gonna lead the war.”

“Rogue’s gone.” 

Ace groans pitifully into his breakfast; that was not the words he wanted to wake up to. 

Riskua rubs sympathetically at his forearm, even if she’s rather busy answering Amerlin’s question. 

Why didn’t they stop at two? 

No sooner has he thought it does guilt crash over Ace. 

He doesn’t mean it, he loves Rogue, loves all his children and Riskua so very much.

But must his youngest test and stress him so? 

Keep reading

Tips for sicky littles

•Drink lots of stuff
•Eat fruits
•Warm bath/shower
•If you’re stuffy, try to sit up
•Always have candy ready if you have to take yucky medicine
•Make sure someone checks on you (if daddy doesn’t already)
•For fever and sore throat, eat a bunch of popsicles
Get well soon!