week sixteen

dear baby,

well you are almost halfway baked so i decided that now is a good time to start writing you little notes each week! mainly to document my time with you in my belly, but also to show to you later on, when you’re a little older!

i will back up a bit—you were a surprise blessing, little baby! we thought we had our lives all planned out perfectly but clearly God really wanted us to be your parents, and right now too! since we first found out about you, we have been constantly learning to trust Jesus with the plan for your life and our life and our future but it’s been hard! but also so so good. i remember the very first time we heard your tiny little heart beating—just a faint flicker on the grainy screen—it was the sweetest thing i’ve ever heard, since I wasn’t completely sure everything was ok in there with you (also, really fast heartbeat—180 beats per minute—dang, baby!)

you haven’t made me sick once, throughout this whole time you’ve been in my belly! pretttty impressive, baby. I used to get a little queasy in the mornings and be real exhausted but now my energy is back and I feel great! during the first trimester, I ate a lot of cereal and fruit and cheese, and one tiny pickle every day (also never-ending iced tea! I still can’t get enough of that stuff)! but now, i’ve completely changed my diet for you and have been cooking and experimenting a lot with clean eating (its not even a little easy, you’re welcome)! lots of veggies, lots of dairy, lots of protein, and lots of fruits. also, I have been taking really gross healthy natural vitamins and supplements for you too (again, you’re welcome)—one tastes like moldy fishy sawdust, one tastes like sour rotten oranges, and another one tastes like dirt mixed with blood. but you’re worth it, you precious little angel!

also, this is the first week your ears have ever been able to hear and so we have been making sure we laugh an extra lot (it starts as stupid silly fake laughs which make us for-real laugh. its loads of fun. you probably think we are crazy people). also your daddy has been talking to you every night and he even plays the ukulele and sings to ya, it’s the sweetest thing. he is so so excited to meet you. (also your auntie zeezee has private whisper conversations with you—I’m not positive what they are about, I hope she isn’t teaching you bad words!!!!!).

this week was rough for mama and daddy—we barely had enough money to pay rent ($9 over, holla) and were super stressed and had a lot of little fights. but somehow, we made it! we are blown away, daily it seems, by the tidal-wave hugeness of the grace and love of Jesus.

we love you so so much and pray for you every single night and think about you all the time. I even have dreams about you (in one, you were a boy wearing a dragon costume and for some reason, you were trying to stand on the COUNTER TOP, rude. and in another one you were a sweet little girl and we were the best of friends and hung out 24/7. there have been more, but they were pretty weird, like you having a man face or morphing into a full-sized sumo wrestler when you turn one. lets hope that doesn’t happen.)

love, your mama

(also, this week you are the size of an avocado—one of my favorite foods!)

now I used to be a bit of a worrier, I think. with most things these days, I am usually able to tone it down and think about the bigger picture and “give it to God” or whatever people always tell me to do when I worry. but that is not the case now that the tiny human has entered the picture. ever since we first found out about this kid, I have worried. at first I worried because I was pregnant. then I worried when I never got morning sickness. then I worried that the midwife wouldn’t be able to find the heartbeat. and I worried that same worry before every single appointment since the very first one. I was always expecting the worst. I was literally betting against our little family (that’s what worrying is, you know? betting against yourself. dumb). Now that he moves around a lot, its easy for me to know he’s doing okay in there, but before this last appointment (yesterday), I was a mess. I was expecting to find out something’s majorly wrong.

we found out that its a boy, as you know, and we also got to see all the bones and major organs and toes and fingers. (this is the only ultrasound we will have throughout all of the pregnancy—the last time we saw him was when he was a tiny little bean at about 8 weeks!) we got to see that he is so healthy and has all his limbs and his brain is the perfect size (and the smartest brain the technician has ever seen) and his heart beats perfectly and all the ventricles and kidneys and arches and sockets are right where they should be. I don’t know why I worry—it can’t change the outcome of anything—and I know that if there ever were to be something wrong with our baby, we would get through it and we would have to trust the Lord and his huge plan. but seeing that tiny wiggly baby on the screen, and seeing that everything is fine and good and perfect with him, it was like a heart squeeze for me to see that.  a good squeeze, a reassuring squeeze. even though its scary to have so little control of the tiny situation inside my belly, Jesus loves him 90 billion times more than Zach and I love him (which is a lot, FYI). He made Forest, and He was holding him in His hands back when he was as big as a poppy seed and He is holding him in His hands now, when all his fingers and toes are formed and he has ears and a tiny nose and is wiggly and perfect. how’s that for a heart squeeze?

anyways, he’s basically perfect, as you can see.

I’m thankful for this kid and for the love of Jesus and for the journey they’re both taking my heart on.

we weren’t planning on becoming parents for probably two or three more years. we had so many plans and things to do before a baby could come along–to hike the John Muir trail this summer, hike part of the Appalachian trail at some point, roadtrip up to Alaska, work our full-time jobs and make as much money as we can, for me to finish school ASAP, etc. But the Lord has his own plans as well, and his are way better than ours could ever be, even if that’s not how I saw it at first.

I was sad and angry when we first found out I was pregnant. we had done everything right–I was taking birth control every day for the past four months, without fail–I even had an alarm on my phone especially to remind me to take it! we had our plans and things we wanted to do and now we are going to have a kid. a plan-changing, fun-sucking, poop machine. I was questioning God’s timing and not trusting in his plan at all–and I was mad at him! we are so not ready to be parents! we had only been married for almost three months when we found out and had been planning on having a lot more time for us to just be young married peeps! So I may have been angry-crying when I walked downstairs to show Zach the pregnancy tests. but he was so so excited since the moment he saw the tests! he picked me up and hugged me and spun me around and couldn’t even stop smiling that big goofy smile– and I was so thankful for his excitement.

now, we are so looking forward to this tiny little human. we are learning so much about babies and parenting and what’s going on inside me every single week (side note: it is literally a miracle what goes on during pregnancy–I don’t know how ANYONE can say that there is no creator! there is so so much happening at any given moment, it is incredible!). I am eating tons of vegetables (trying to, anyways) and protein for the growing babe, and taking lots and lots of good vitamins. I stopped drinking coffee and beer and started drinking juice and smoothies everyday instead. I started crocheting tiny beanies and a tiny blanket. we can’t even wait. and although we don’t feel even a little bit prepared (is anyone ever really fully prepared for a brand new baby?), we are so excited and thankful for this new adventure. God knew what he was doing when he decided we should be parents so we are deciding to trust him and this crazy plan of his. (pray for us please!!)

cheers! han


my goal for these next six months (being prego) is to not buy any maternity clothes. I have looked into a few maternity brands, even some trendy ones, and the ones with stuff I would actually wear, are very expensive. So I am going to try my best to stick to what I have or possibly buy a few more simple basic shirts or dresses as I get bigger. but for the most part, I’d like to stick with my current closet, the best that I can! So I am going to be documenting it on tumblr cause I like outfits and I like being pregnant.

(ps here I am pictured with iced tea, my newest pregnancy obsession)

[shirt: anthro, denim cutoffs: thrifted Levi’s, shoes: thrifted Birkenstocks]