Sometimes I just want to run away and not come back. Just start some place new. But then I realize I can’t because I’m incapable of living, and I’ll only be at the rock bottom making a misery of everything.
Sometimes I just want to spill every single thing out and let go. Let go of the thoughts that are hindrances to my life. Let go of all the hurt I’ve come across and just never look back. I just want to be liberated. Yet, I don’t know the first step to do so. I want to let go. I want to move on, I want to be able to say, “I am in complete control with my life.” But, my life is in control of me.
I want to break out of my shell. I cannot figure out who I am. I cannot and I am unwilling to. I see no purpose in everyday. And I stare too far away, hoping that it will get me somewhere. I cannot focus, I cannot concentrate. I am all over the place. It sucks. I can’t find words to say every thing I want to say. I cannot even spill to anybody, I trust nobody. I feel like I’m built that way. The past built me that way.
I cannot feel love, I walk away from it and I don’t try. They walk away. Everybody always do. They never stay. I wouldn’t love, I am selfish. Judge me for being that way, I judge myself as well. I often wonder how easily people love, and I see them continuously getting hurt. Then they too walk away. I want to love, but the world made love overrated. The pop culture made fictions on love. I fall for their fictional stories and hope for mine to be the same. Yet for every man that tries to get close to me, I turn away.
I am still confused along with being happy, sad and angry. The mixed emotions I have keep me awake at night. I try sorting them out, I end up giving up.
there are some things i’m always afraid of. the first one is rejection. since i already have the thought of not being good enough for anything, i do not handle rejection very well. so i let myself stay still and not do anything with life. i’m afraid of failure, so i stay doing the things i know best, because i’m afraid of critiques telling right in front of me, how terrible i am. it’s the way i wired my system; always afraid of what people will think of me and always holding back from trying something new. the first conclusion i have every time i am going to try something new is, “what will they say if i don’t do it well?” i care too much of what people will say , i forget to care for myself.
i realize that i am failing by doing nothing. and i need to break out of this habit of always thinking that i am not capable of doing things because i will immediately fail. i need to stop putting myself down, because it always leave me thinking that i don’t need to care about life. i want to achieve great things but i am not putting the effort to do so because i am beat down with thoughts that circulate my system and poison me into thinking that, “ no you can’t do that.”
life sucks, because i make it suck. i make up thoughts to make it suck. i feed the negatives, so the negatives show up. think positive. stop being scared of rejection and failure. it’s part of the learning process.