Chapter 52 - The Truth Is


I opened the bathroom door and the steam from behind me seeped into the room, creating a look of fog all around my frame. It was a sign of a good bath – the type that I have not experienced in maybe a week. It could have been better, but I’m not complaining. And the time I took to use cream and use wet-wipes to increase the feeling of freshness was not done in vain either.

With my towel wrapped around me, I looked up from my feet after feeling the attention Chris was giving me and tightened the fuzzy material brushing against my skin. His brown eyes were squinted slightly and his head hung tilted to the side just a bit. That pink bottom lip of his grazed between his teeth back and forth at a slow speed before he sucked it in entirely.

Lord, God.

“Come here,” he mumbled in a deep voice, sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet planted to the ground. Chris brushed his left hand through his brown and golden colored forest of curls and licked his lips while his gaze pierced me. My nipples rang with sensitivity in response to the way his eyes warmed me, and I tried to keep back the smile.

I stood just within the door frame, hair still tied up in a bun on top of my head while my chest and shoulders tensed.

Everything around us managed to stay still as not a sound was made. But the throbbing of my breasts only increased when Chris’ face relaxed and a smile come through. His eyes were welcoming, but I could tell that he was waiting to say something.

I let my own smile show when I washed over the innocence and hopefulness in his face. He just seemed so bright and honest like he was eager about something positive. So I walked over to him, feeling the build up I had before leave a little.

“Yes?” Why I was smiling like a fool, I’m not so sure. Chris chuckled and moved me from his side to between his legs. Once he did that, he leaned back and kept his body up with his arms. He took a good look at me – a slow one, from feet to face. “What?” 



“Aight,” he laughed. “C'mere,” he said, getting up and pushing me back some but holding my waist. I took the steps with him as I wobbled in a direction I wasn’t facing. Chris seemed so relaxed as he smiled, showing a glimpse of his teeth. That was what made me want to kiss him, and so I did. I gave him two damp ones in a row, then pulled back.

In honesty, it felt so much better now. It’s scary, but there was something thrilling and relieving about being more vulnerable with him. 

I was looking up at him until he stopped moving, causing me to do the same. “Turn.” I did what he said, and there we were facing the wall long mirror, our reflections reminding me of just how young we are. Between us we had twelve body piercings –including my nipples; blond, brown and purple hair and too many tattoos to count – obviously because of Chris. 

The smile I was wearing slowly slipped off my face once I saw the fall expression Chris now wore. He seemed so serious – not mad or annoyed, but concentrated.

Scooping me up by my waist and holding me in his arms, Chris towered over be but bent his neck to kiss softly along my shoulder to my jaw. It gave me butterflies.

I put my hands on Chris’, which were locked over my stomach while I let him kiss along my skin. 

“You ever forget that we’re so young?” I asked, tilting my head a little.

Chris stopped then looked at me through the mirror. After chuckling he smiled lightly. “Yeah, all the time.” He paused then uses a more meaningful tone, speaking slower.  “And we’re definitely too young for you to be feeling how you do, Rae.”

“Huh?” I was slightly caught off guard with that and it showed on my face.

Chris didn’t respond, but he did keep up the eye contact. I turned my head to actually look up at him, so he looked down and did the same. But then I felt cool air against my bottom half and warm fingertips slipping up from across my thighs and lightly go over the crease between them that made the ‘V’ shape.

“Chris!” I squirmed, frowning and bending to cover myself, but he held me still.

“Will you let me show you something?” 

I was still holding my towel and didn’t think I’d stop until he would let go.

“Trust me, aight?” He said lowly. He wasn’t asking me, and the look he gave me through the mirror caused my heartbeat to increase. I felt uncomfortable and thin-skinned. He kept me in his arms longer but loosened up so that I didn’t feel trapped. He did it slowly and with care, so by the time we were in a position for me to go, I felt like I didn’t want to.

I looked to the ground, ashamed of something. The air surrounding us was thick and I was waiting on him to do or say something.

Soon, Chris let his hands slip up the side of my body, and so slowly and so carefully, he unwrapped the white towel from around my body. It slipped and brushed against me, hitting the floor with what sounded like a heavy thump.

I watched it on its way to the ground but didn’t want to look up again. I felt like it would be a bit much, and I didn’t want to get that intense feeling from his watchful eyes.

Chris’ fingertips touched my skin and I felt my hairs rise. I swallowed a little and covered my breasts with my arms, moving my legs closer together to shut the gap.

But he held me anyway – tightly at that. My back was pressed firmly to his chest before he lifted my chin up. I made sure that my eyes were closed because I didn’t want to look. At least not right now. 

He didn’t let his hands roam too much, but it was very intimate. I was exposed – naked when I felt like there was so much wrong with me. I couldn’t get the stuff in my head to shut down the noise, and even without looking in the mirror, I could see every scar mapped and marked into my skin.

I felt the soft, soft kiss touch me on the back of my neck along with him breathing. He brushed his thumbs against my skin while the hair on his chin tickled me. “Open. It’s alright,” he assured me in a low and raspy voice. 

I squeezed my eye lids before I blinked slowly four times and did as he said.

We locked eyes through the reflection and I watched Chris kiss the side of my neck and behind me ear. 

“You see what I see?” He asked. I didn’t answer, just lost the will to keep on looking. He tightened his hold some to make me look up again. “Do you?”

My response was silence.

“It’s perfect. There is no need for you to be anything else.” He paused and my eyes wandered to meet his again. “I don’t know what made you forget, but I can help to always remind you.” Deep was his voice, and every word he spoke was said against my skin. Before I knew it, I was more relaxed than I wanted to be. Chris had some sort of effect on me that I didn’t expect.

For what felt like a minute, we just stayed like that. He kept his fingers running small circles on my skin.

“Can’t we…” I began, feeling too emotional for my likings. His words did something to me, and I thought that now would be a great time to face this new, but tired fear of mine. “Less lights?”

“Nah,” he shook his head slowly, “we tried that last time and you still freaked out,” he chuckled.

“Because I don’t feel comfortable!” I snapped and Chris gave me this 'whoa’ expression, but just kissed my shoulder again. Turning from the mirror, I made us look at each other in the flesh.

“Exactly. Stop running from it like it’s going to change by doing that. As sappy as this sounds, I got you.”


 Like many unexpected moments with Chris, I faintly saw it coming but was overwhelmed with the intensity of his gaze. And with a moan slipping from the barrier that my lips tried to keep, his strong hold held onto the back of my left thigh with a smacking sound. Chris brought me forward with that movement, and now my little lady parts were tingling an inch away from his mouth.

He was topless and I was thankful. I was on my feet, stood in between his legs as he has resumed his seat on the edge of the bed. It gave me the position of looking down at him, which didn’t happen often.

My lips were parted due to the anxious feeling I was harbouring, and my clit began to warm because of that. 

Chris’ brown eyes were burning in connection with mine, but my attention soon darted to his lip biting, and then to his other tattooed arm snaking around my right thigh. 

The quiet in the room smoothly shipped us away with calm waters from everything else that would try to distract me or Chris.

Nothing in New York City could tempt me enough to leave him or the way he looked at me. Right now I was his, and I knew he was going to make me feel it.

Chris caressed body, squeezing my ass in his hands with large, full grips that caused me to jerk. Like a stress ball, he firmly pressed his fingers into my skin, feeling my cheeks and upper thighs with great embrace. It felt like he didn’t want to leave any single part of me untouched, and the warmth from his hold was more promising than anything I could imagine in this moment. 

Did I feel insecure?


Was it odd from me?


Will I stop it this time?

I don’t think so.

It didn’t take long for my attention to wander over the scar carved vertically along my stomach. The bumpy look of it had the area just below my rib cage thumping and my eyelids opening and closing quickly. But then he kissed me – touched the mark with his lips, then smirked sweetly up at me after it made a sound. He did that twice, then once again before letting my tattoo from nature guide him southwards.

The look he gave me before setting light kisses along the top of my thighs set me off even more. But it was when he left wet kisses surrounding the triangular length, which surfaced my inner centre, that I felt a slow, warm and gentle seed being planted in the lower part of my stomach.

He was rubbing the back of my tights now while letting his fingers travel up the inside, right at the top.

My eyebrows lowered as Chris grabbed, then raised my right leg while still holding firmly onto my other. He tugged it over his shoulder and helped me keep balance as I gasped from his sudden action. 

It was now that I stood tiptoed on one leg with the other lifted, so that my petals were aligned with his lips. The way he had my legs open allowed him to see very part and detail of my sensual map. He bit his lip hard and stared even harder, holding onto me as if I was being pulled away.

The seed in stomach was growing more now and I’m sure he could feel it in the way my cheeks blushed.

“Oh,” I moaned as I titled my head back from the heat his peering in admiration and thought caused me. 

Chris could see all of me, including the wet drops I could feel tracking every free space, dip and curve between the top of my thighs. 

It was with my head turned back, eyes closed, right leg pressed on his shoulder and left toes on their tips that my body shook from the first bolt of electricity sent from Chris’ tongue sliding flat against my tingling clit. “Oh,” I moaned again, but stronger this time. 

He squeezed my ass tighter and cupped my erect clit between his fat lips. “Ah,” I shook, tensing when he sent his tongue against my intimate silk. 

Slowly, I brought my head forward to look down at his dirty blond curls. I panted and held the back of his head because he bent his tongue to curve around my clit and cradle it, mixing his saliva with my body’s natural lubrication. He rubbed it so that a whirl of power swarmed in the centre of my stomach, making me leak on his lips and chin. And that made Chris lick faster, stimulating nerves that have been patient for so long. The feeling set my body alive in the sexiest way possible.

I bit my bottom lip as I fought to keep my eyes open. Soon I felt cold air attack my wet area as Chris purposely decided to neglect it.

“I Want you try something,” he demanded in a deep mumble – lips covered in me. My vagina was still so close that I felt the spark from his cool breath on my bareness.

I blew out, closed my eyes to contain myself, then nodded like a dummy. But they were soon open again after I felt Chris lift my second leg up. Before I even properly registered, both of my legs where hung over his shoulders with my thighs by his neck. He held my back up as extra support as I naturally pushed forward because I was scared I’d fall.

“Whoa,” I said lightly in a rushed gasp.

My view was of Chris’ head stuck between my legs, right at the meeting. “Ah, fuck,” I cursed, toes bending as he French kissed my sensitivity roughly. My nerves set on fire. It left my insides warming and my clit stinging. I felt unstable in the air like that and was amazed that he was holding me up so well, but then he rocked backwards like the first half of the Titanic which sunk onto the North Atlantic ocean. And like that too, I splash right on his lips, my wetness being heard by the both of us.

I was sitting completely on his face.

I hopped up a little when Chris let his hands run over my skin. 

“Ride, baby,” he instructed before pulling me back down and opening his mouth wide, sucking on me like he would a got darn peach. And I was spilling and shaking all at once while a sharp cold flash began to cruise shivers up the bone in my back. Something was pushing and it was getting harder for me to keep it back.

The moan that left me was insane because he started flicking my clit like he was punishing me. And that shit made me drop more. 

“Ssssh,” I hissed as Chris shoved his tongue between my lips and shot it inside me. It was like waterworks – the motion of his tongue stimulating my nerves to let hot sudden waves ripple from that specific centre to my toes, fingertips and nipples. The bars were ringing seriously and I couldn’t help but play with my right one. And all of the build up led me to grind against his lips harder. 

In the back of my mind, I tried to hide the voices of insecurities that were bubbling about. The only thing that kept me from stopping was the amazing sensations that stung against my pink parts. But I couldn’t forget that I wasn’t in any position to make my issues invisible. 

Chris had his hands on my thighs, squeezing them to stop me from moving too much, and he was getting his way. I couldn’t jump up when it got too much, and now my hot body was really feeling it. 

I began to whine and pant so heavily that my breasts moved up and down. A bolt of heated energy made me lean back and grab fists full of the sheets. I rocked my hips back and forth as if I this was a rodeo. I was actually riding his face, and that allowed all of me to feel his mouth.

The faces I was pulling probably said it all and so did the amount of wetness Chris caused me. I thought this much was either not sexy anymore or just plain embarrassing, but Chris seemed to love it with the way he let me hear his sucking and licking on me.

“Fuck! Fuck!” I cried, breathing so quickly that I couldn’t even get the word out without force. 

And that was it. My clit, lips and centre had been teased, sucked, licked and flicked way too much for me to stop from pouring out. 

My pelvis rocked forward as Chris trailed his lips over my clit to suck it hard. He shook his head from side to side viciously, moaning so that the vibrations kept my toes moving. I locked my legs and my abdomen contracted.

“Ah—ah…shhh, Chr—ris!” Oh God I was about to flood a stream on this nigga’s face.

And that’s exactly what I did. I came with shock. Everything was buzzing while Chris licked all around. I was too into it to let any words out but my body couldn’t help but make me moan. I stayed riding his lips as I dripped, and splashed, and leaked.

God, he is so good. 

Chris let me relax and calm myself before he stopped kissing me there and moved me back by my waist. I shuffled back, still breathing a little out of time. I lifted my head once I was sitting above that snake of his, and what I saw was a fixed expression of frustration on his face. It was like he was focused on something intense enough for him not to let it go. 

I felt less embarrassed and more curious, but that didn’t change the way that I looked. 

Every scar was on show, and there was no hiding how they rose on my skin, turned corners and appeared darker than my tone. Yet, I was beginning to feel better about it all. I was beginning to think like I did before, and that was ‘I’m fine the way I am’. But I don’t know if I’m a hundred percent there. 

Chris squeezed my thigh before turning me on my back in one movement. And I smiled when he kissed the scar on my chin lightly, then moved down to the ones on the rest of my body. It wasn’t sexual – more sweet and thoughtful than anything. The kisses made me giggle, too, and he laughed at me for it. I rubbed his head and he smiled a toothless smile, showing his dimples and looking too cute for words. 

I lifted my top half to look down at him. His head was just over my belly button.

“I don’t have a condom,” he mumbled, making clear eye contact. He was waiting for me to give him a response, and I knew well that if I said that we shouldn’t move this into something more, he’d accept it. 

“Oh… okay,” I said slowly in a quiet whisper before, laying down on my back, shifting so my legs opened more and unintentionally bit my bottom lip.

Chris raised an eyebrow at me and I simply nodded. He licked his lips and got up. He placed me just almost over the edge of the bed so that my back was bent, and by that I knew he was about to go deep as fuck. Needless to say, because of all of that, I was all kinds of sensitive and ready.

He let my legs fall and I paid attention to the thick tube-like shape printed heavily though his blue boxers after he pulled his jeans straight to the ground. There was the frustration again, and telling by his flustered expression, he had waited as long as he could. Chris yanked his boxers off, too and pulled his best friend out at the same time. I breathed in hard and took in the look of it: light brown and a pink head – full like it was heavy as fuck.

Lifting my legs up and bending it at the knees, Chris moved them to the sides so that he could get between my legs from where he was standing. The cold was hitting me while he stared in-between, holding his lip behind his teeth. He looked like he had been put through distress by all of the waiting his done. 

Teasing me with his head, I watched him rub himself against me. He leaned forward over me so that we were chest to chest and kissed me, slipping his tongue into my mouth and skipping straight to passionate. I moaned and locked my arms around his neck, relaxing against the bed – and then I felt him. My face screwed up and I bit his lip hard from not expecting it as he slid and dug in. He went all the way in and I felt his bone come up against my pink wet walls.

Yes, that was it – his length and thickness and the way his body tensed against mine; the deep breath he took and low grunt that sounded like he didn’t want me to hear. That made my lips and clit swell again as he pushed, dig into me. God.

“Uh,” I whined when he moved in and out slowly. I was feeling him again after the while that we’ve been apart, so I understood him taking his time. Shit, I appreciated it. He was a lot for me to take, especially when he isn’t playing. 

He breathed in hard and clenched his jaw since we stopped kissing a while ago. I had my hand against his chest and was whimpering from him stretching me. My opening stung from all of him.

Chris began to kiss from my jaw to my neck and stopped there, sucking hard before biting me on my skin there. “Ahh, shit,” I cursed when he went in harder. My head went into the mattress at this moment because Chris started stroking in me now, and honestly, by bones were buzzing from it. He was sending sensitive waves of stimulation up inside me as he grabbed my right breast in his hand and sucked on my nipple. He moved my palm from his chest and slipped it over his neck instead so that there was no barrier. 

I got that shape impact where it was like I was going to wet myself, but I pushed it back, trembling when I did.

His rotating hips meant that he was pressing against my clit, too, and he didn’t let much of him out whenever he bashed against my opening. It was enough to give me a small body shaking orgasm that spread mainly around me lower half. It all made me that bit more fussy and sensitive. I was getting hot flashes and calling on God like I need to repent. Our chests were becoming glossy from the rubbing and that added to the heat.

The waves he set off rippled through me like skipping a smooth stone across the surface of a lake.

Chris pushed my thighs up more to get in deeper. I was going to push back due to reflex, but I wanted him to feel me how he wanted to, so I scratched up the back and bottom of his hairline instead. “Ahh, oh—fuck!” I sounded so feeble, and I was. He was going in hard now, and it seemed the more I reacted and ran my nails in and along his back, he crammed himself inside.

“Shit,” he mumbled, his speech muffled into the side of my neck. His muscles were flexing.

I was out all over the both of us and it was sticky, hot and now I got that feeling where speed was zipping through. My walls started to close tighter around Chris’ dick and my brain went quiet on me. I couldn’t concentrate on a single thing as he the part of my walls closest to my stomach clutched. Strong cervical contractions began to build up and it was like I had weights pressing on my abdomen. I felt like I had been holding a burning need to pee for about two hot minutes now. I started to grab at his skin, marking it and hitting his back.

I thought I couldn’t take it, but I wanted to.

The sting powered through my clit to inside of me and waved all the way out and through the rest of my body. A high-pitched scream left me and I couldn’t control the shivering my bones and joints did. An electric sensation seeped into my skin and I was literally coming back to back. It was serious. When I tensed and let it go, Chris bit down on my neck harder than he’s ever done and stroked long. My toes curled and I was panting too much to say a word. But I felt his body twitch and him bust warm. It was like he was going to pull out, but couldn’t let himself, so instead he went deeper. And for that minute we were breathing through the waves like that, rubbing and sliding against one another as we let the flutter set off from our heads to our very toes. Chris kept going, stroking it all out, just as I wanted him to.



“Why not? It goes with it.”

“Yeah but it’s more to it –it’s what you gotta do to make this shit work, you feel me? None of that is any good. Ain’t no good eatin’ that if it hasn’t been prepared and all,” she announced enthusiastically with a New Yorker accent lacing thick between every syllable. 

“That sounded too ghetto,” I laughed, coughing as I tried not to choke on the green and red gummy bears in my mouth. We had bags of junk, and for people who were supposed to watch what we ate, we were displaying high levels of bad practice.

Rae smacked my chest lightly as I chucked now. 

“I’m an OG,” she explained, speaking with her lips edged outwards as she did a bounce and leaned back.

I looked at her like there was something wrong.

“Yeah, but you mind sounding like you one with an education?” I cocked my right eyebrow as I looked down at her straightened hair and licked my lips absentmindedly. I decided a while back that I liked the purple ends.

“Why you always hating on me?”

I gave her a blank stare, blinking more times than was actually necessary. But that made Rae turn her head and burst out laughing after trying to contain it. I smile lightly and shook my head, yawned, then laughed with her.

For ten minutes now we’ve been stood in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat, but it took more out of us than we expected. The shower we had was long enough for us to grow madly hungry, and the sleep didn’t help. My body was on low.

A nigga just wanted to eat.

The first two problems were first world ones seeing as they were, one: we had too many ingredients to pick from, and secondly, there were cooking utensils here that were too posh for us to understand. Most of them were completely unnecessary, and that made me glad that I wasn’t the one who’d actually be cooking. 

“Whatever, Rae,” I mumbled. “But I want meat! Look at this shit,” I said doing a bicep curl and pulling a face. “See this?” I grunted, “ this comes from real manly food, not fish.” I made my voice deeper to sound like a WWE wrestler and tried to get her to kiss my muscles. 

“Ew, stop that!”

“What? You better appreciate this here,” I stated. Rae gave me a disgusted look and all I did was give her a quick kiss. “You’re a such sucker for me,” I laughed. She rolled her eyes and took rice out of a cupboard.

“If you were a wrestler, what would your name be?”

I stared at her ass while I thought. 

“That’s hard, man.” I actually began to rub my chin. “Wait, Golden Bear!”

Rae stopped scooping up rice with the little pot in her hand and turned her head. Her bottom lip began to wobble and then her cheeks became a little red. I grinned because I was proud of myself, and all I got in return was her bending over and laughing.

“You are so queer!” She squealed.

I chuckled and became a little embarrassed. “Man, shut up.”

“Golden bear though?”

“Just cook this food, alright.”

“Watch it,” she said, pointing her index finger at me with a faint smile sealed onto her face. I pulled it down with a smirk and stood behind her with one arm over her shoulder. She turned her attention back to what she was doing and carried on cupping out rice.

I felt good right now and I didn’t want anything to take me off this high.

Chapter 51 - The Truth Is


The ceiling had become my new best friend, and that definitely wasn’t out of choice. But what’s worse is the noise that silence makes drilling into my eardrums. It was relentless. 

For the last hour or so, all I did was stare above me and dive deep into serious thought. I haven’t moved since I fell back onto the mattress after Chris dumped me on the bed and stormed out. The most I’ve done since was itch a few spots and fuss a little bit. But other than that, I was fully invested in my mind’s stream. My ever vibrating phone was ignored along with my need to pee. 

I was stuck in a rut, and I guess I had to get myself out. And that was the worst thing about this. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t want to do it. 

For one, if I told him, it would be accepting that it was truth; and secondly, I would be left to hold my breath as I wait to see what happens. Sure, I wouldn’t have to think about it for a few years, but I took this seriously, especially since it happened to be Chris that became my first boyfriend. 

It frustrated me. It was something I pushed to the very back of my mind. But now I’m going to have to force myself to set my worries free and lay a few things bare on the table. Maybe it’ll be good. Maybe it will let me move forward. And if not, at least I tried. 

I’ll tell the truth and no longer be held hostage by these burdens. I’ll tell Chris about it, I’ll tell my parents about Sean and I’ll do what I told Natalie I would. 

I reached for my phone, slid the arrow back and unlocked it. The time read 3:46 am on Saturday morning and I was saddened realising how long I had been thinking for. 

Taking a shaky and nervous breath, I opened a text chain and arranged a meeting. 

Me: Monday, 9pm. No excuses.

I tossed my phone somewhere, got up and turned the lights off. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but there was no use in keeping them on.

Insecurity’s a bitch. 


Just as I hoped not throughout the early morning, Chris didn’t come back into the room. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little relived. I didn’t get more than two hours sleep, and if Chris had come back, it would have been incredibly awkward, and no one likes that. 

Needless to say, I felt like crap, and that feeling probably won’t change for a while. I was hoping a day out taking care of myself might do something for me. Probably not today, but during the week was almost a must.

After a practically sleepless night, I believed that a long hot shower would do me good, but I reminded tense throughout it all. My mind was stuck on one thing the whole time and it struck me the way I was changing. It wasn’t like me to care or to openly hide things from people. I was turning into an emotional little bitch and I did not like it. Not only was I fighting myself and making promises I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep, but I was also suppressing good, happy feelings that I could be expressing. 

But I just didn’t want to hurt him, or myself. I’m trouble and I don’t trust my potential

What’s the point in being happy for now if I’m sure to mess up later?


Thirty minutes passed and I was lying on my right side under the covers with heavy eyes that felt red. Only the top of my head to just under my eyes was exposed and I felt just like a fat meaty burrito with extra cheese. 

I snuggled against the material of the quilt cover as my hair rustled itself into a frizz. This wasn’t the plan. I was supposed to get dressed and all before I went downstairs to Chris, but I was scared. So here I was, telling myself every five minutes that I’ll go in five minutes. 

I was just plain sad. 

A few seconds after I told myself that I’d go in five more minutes for about the seventh time, I heard something click as the door opened smoothly. My heart caught itself lodged in my chest as it froze for two seconds and my stomach flipped a bit. 

Be cool, nigga.

I breathed in and stayed still while I heard Chris moving around the room, and honestly, the tension could not be missed or mistaken. I didn’t feel his gaze on me and he wasn’t in sight yet, so I kept my eyes on the wide built-in wardrobe to the right of the room as I lay on the side of the bed furthest from it.

He opened a bag or two and I guess took some items out before he walked over to the space between the bed and wardrobe. I saw and felt him drop a blue towel on the bed along with a shaving kit. 

Fishing for his phone, a tired Chris took it out of his pocket and placed it on the bedside table before peeling off his wife beater over head. The way his chest and arms flexed led me to blink slower in application, maximising my viewing time, and I would have made a noise too if I didn’t catch myself. 

He was just perfect. He was so toned from ball practice and gym, and best of all was that it stopped him from becoming overly skinny like he did in High School.

There were things about Chris that I appreciated without him knowing, and the fact that he was most appealing when he wasn’t aware of it was one of those things. 

My view worked to ease my once tensed body and soon I was more comfortable than I could have expected. 

Chris yanked his grey jogging bottoms off and then tugged at his boxers, which had him on display without effort. But when the elastic band slipped passed his thighs, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I stopped feeling like Mexican food and turn into a slip and slide – one filtering from between my legs. 

His size – length and thickness— always make me think ’Mandingo’, and how he just always feels… good.

It’s been over a month since I’ve felt him, and one night we did get close to it, but even with the lights out, I didn’t feel like myself. And with all truth, that on no level meant that I didn’t want to be intimate with Chris, but I was just too awkward. We fought that night; however, it wasn’t like what happened in the early hours of this morning. 

I was near drooling and staring so hard you’d think I was a brain dead patent with open eyes. And with that, I was receiving feelings below that made me squeeze.

I couldn’t think of one reason why I should or would want to look away. But the longer I did look at his great piece of manhood, the more I realised that he wasn’t moving around anymore. And only after getting the feeling to, I reluctantly and hesitantly looked up from his penis to his abs, and to his tattooed pecs before meeting his deep brown eyes. 

Chris held this look of intensity, and I believe it was a mixture of shock and irritation, but that matured to include amusement. It left me feeling hot and a little embarrassed.

A slow and delayed smirk crept onto his face and shifted his pink lips, raising his cheek and freckles. Chris chuckled then, shaking his head while our eye contact continued, but I soon broke it because it was all a bit much. 

Chris picked up the blue towel, wrapped it around his waist, and chuckled again; but this time it turned into a disappointed expression as he looked down. And before anything else could happen, he made his way to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. 


“It wasn’t that deep!” 

“Man, shut up,” I mumbled, frustrated that I was in there for as little as ten minutes and we were already going back and forth.

I was surprised that she didn’t say anything back, and for that, I was glad.

Once I finished dressing, I left the room and slammed the door heavily behind me. I ended up sitting on a random step on the stairs which were thick, individual and wooden, making them not the most comfortable to sit on, but I couldn’t be bothered to move. My phone wasn’t with me and I wasn’t leaving my spot, so that left my sight to roam the place without my control. It hadn’t slipped me that it looked very different, but it did seem just as expensive, if not more so. 

I remember when my Dad first got this place. It was so long ago that I almost forgot it existed, and it was easy for that to happen because from what I know, the man never stayed a day in this loft. He was supposed to move down here to be closer to me while I was in High School, but of course, that never happened. That left this place unused and me without a Dad, but that’s how it’s always been. 

You can’t miss what you’ve never had. 
But the funny thing was that right now something was missing from me, and I didn’t know why. I thought I was getting myself together. 

The way I was feeling right now was tensed, and although I didn’t like to admit it, even to myself – I was sad. 

I felt like nothing was working out how it should, or how I hoped. 

I didn’t have a family the way most people did, and lately, being around my best friend wasn’t the same. Not only on a relationship level, but just our connection in general. We didn’t do much but be awkward and talk whenever we weren’t doing something else, meaning that we didn’t make any real effort to be together. 

It shouldn’t be that way, but it was. 

And I should have a place in her life, but I don’t.

To make me feel even worse, I had to work harder than anybody on my team because I fucked up my leg, and I didn’t have the support to keep going that I’d appreciate. 

I didn’t get it from my Mom because she doesn’t even have energy for herself. I don’t get it from people I know because they have their own shit going on. And I didn’t get it from my girl because she didn’t care.

It wasn’t pity I wanted – it was someone to fall back on. 

I was around people, but I was alone. 

All I can do is man up about it because obviously I’m not going to have anybody to make it easier for me. 

That thought led to another, and now my mind was on whether or not Nea was sure that she wanted to be with the opposite sex. I wanted to block that issue out, but for some reason, I won’t let myself pretend that I don’t care about her as much as I do. I’m bending over backwards for her sometimes, and I didn’t even see it coming. 

I heard a knob turn and the door open behind me just as that thought was about to grow.

“Hey, Chris?” Her voice was as light as ever and the her footsteps towards me sounded the same. Her bare feet tapped against the cool dark wood while I didn’t flinch. Soon though, she was sitting on the step behind me, thighs placed around my back and on each side of me so that I could feel the heat from her body. Rae slid her arms around my neck, locked her fingers over my chest and pressed her breasts against me as she rested her chin on my head. I was slouching, so the height difference didn’t stop her.

“Chris,” she said lowly, sighing afterwards. “I’m sorry.” 

It felt good having her here, but I didn’t have a response to that. I was pissed off about almost everything in my life, and that apology didn’t change anything or explain her actions. 

“Chris?” she whispered, locking her arms more tightly while kissing the back of my neck softly, before lifting her right hand to muse my hair slowly. The blue had long faded and now the blond was going, too. 

Rae waited as I relaxed and leaned into her more, probably getting me right where she wanted me. Yet, I didn’t mind. But it was apparent to me that my silence bothered her because she let a sigh out again.

I shook my head slightly before turning it a degree so she could see the side of my face. “What you want me to say?” My voice came out croaky and husky.

She paused, but answered: “I don’t know. I just don’t want the silent treatment.”

A small smile grew on my face as my eyes lowered. 

Is she serious?

“Rae, I’m not the one with the problem. You make shit so difficult sometimes,” I said leaning forward, working my way out of her touch. Her fingers unlocked and she let them glade over my shoulders before I heard them drop to her lap.


“I’m not trying to, but I just don’t want to do this,” she said slowly, her voice lowering, too.

I shot my head around and looked at her hard. “Don’t want to do what?”

Her eyes popped at my sudden anger and the longer she took to answer, the worse it got.

“Not you. Never you,” Rae said as she looked me dead in the eyes. She knew what I thought she was saying and corrected me before my ego took over. “I mean this,” she said moving her right hand back and forth between us. “This whole talking and opening wounds thing. The questions will come and what if someone doesn’t want to answer?”

“Your messing up by not seeing me as a friend anymore.”

“Well what do you expect?” Rae shot. “I can’t just turn off ‘boyfriend’ and turn on 'friend’.” 

“Why would you? I’m the same person,” I argued.

“Yeah, easy for you to say.”

“What, am I not going through this with you right now?” That shut her up. “I’m in the same position so if I can do it, you can at least try.”

She bit her lip in thought and began to fiddle with her fingers and she looked down into her lap.

“I know there’s shit we’re hiding from each other, and now we can’t even chill anymore because of all the animosity. We should try and get past some things because—” I sighed. “Nothing.”

“No, what?” She urged, but I only shook my head.

I turned around again and looked at the lower steps before me and all around the living room as silence aired. And I was happy when she broke it.

“I’m hurt by things, Chris, and I don’t know how to let you in. I’m me, and it’s been just me for so long now. A lot can happen to a person to make them change, and I’m sorry for not thinking of you and the impact it has, but I never thought that you’d care this much.”

“C'mon. Why would I not care?” I asked in an animated fashion.

I watched her shrug as she frowned and the scar on her chin moved. And then silence was back at it again. It seemed that it was more than eager to join us.

I itched my forehead before rubbing my left eye and kicked my right leg out to get more comfortable. I felt like this quietness was making time move slowly, and sure enough, that thought made the illusion worse. 

“How attractive do you find me?”

“What?” I asked immediately in an incredulous tone. I was looking at her again and noticed how her freckles were browner and her eyebrows showing worry.

Her upset was written all over her face, and although she looked away twice in a few seconds, she fought to keep eye contact.

“How attractive?” She continued. “Like… do my scars ever bother you?” Rae chewed the inside of her lip while her chin creased.

I glared at her before kissing my teeth. “For what?”

“I mean—”

“That’s stupid. Period.”

“No it—”

“Yes it is. It’s not like I don’t know where they come from or as if I don’t have some myself. I was in the same car crash, Rae.”

She looked at me and shrunk. “But most of yours are under tattoos.”

“What’s your point? It ain’t like I haven’t seen them before or that you can’t see any of mine. And even if I didn’t have a single one, you really think I’m gonna be shallow and side you like you don’t matter?”

She shrugged at my words and didn’t bother to look up.

“Silence isn’t going to cut it.”

“I know…” She trailed off lowly. “I’m just thinking.”

Confused, I asked: “What made you ask that anyway?” I didn’t let her answer me before I put the pieces together. “And what… is that why you all so funny these days?”

Rae dropped her shoulders and flopped her head into her lap, covering her face. But she nodded anyway, the hair on top of her head bobbing.

I chuckled deeply and shook my head. “I was beginning to think you were creeping.”


“What? And I got blue balls because of that? Man, now that’s fucked up, Rae.”

“Chris, I’m being serious!” She said in a muffled tone with her head still laying on her thighs.

“And so am I! A hard dick with no one to take care of it is no joke,” I exclaimed. “You really left me dry because of that?”

Rae groaned deeply before she made sounds of crying that I knew were fake. And while I looked at top of her head, I felt a sense of ease. I wasn’t happy that she was having these issues but her reason for holding out on me could have been much worse.

“How many times me normally fuck in a week?”

“What?” Rae peaked up and showed her screwed up face – her brown eyes staring at me.

“What’s the average?”

“Why?” She bounced up now and sat straighter.

“'Cause you about to make up for this!” I gave her a wide eyed look that told her I was being serious. Her expression dropped slowly when she realised that, but a smile soon spread across her face. “Bring your beautiful self over here.”

She was hesitant at first, but after waving her over then holding onto her hand, I tugged and Rae got up to walk down two steps. By the time she was in between my legs with my arms around her, she was blushing deeply. 

“I’m thinking, if we do it three times every two days for two weeks, we’ll be back on track. But I—”

Rae kissed her teeth and relaxed against me more so. She was still stiff, but the strength of it was weakening. “You’re a fool,” she laughed lightly.

“Hmm. I am a fool for you, and even though it pisses me off, I don’t think that’s ever going to change.” I was looking down at her as she laid her head on my chest. My hands were on her stomach with my arms going around her back. 

What I said wasn’t a lie, and I hoped she knew that.

I had her back, even if she didn’t have mine.

“You’ve got me wrong if you really think I’d care about some scars. They’re my fault anyway.”


“It’s the truth.”

“It was an accident,” she mumbled, picking at fluff on my sleeve.

“So? I’m still sorry. I fuck up a lot back then but I’m trying to fix it.”

“Can we not do this?” The exhale she let out was a sad one, and it made me feel worse. I kissed the top of her head and locked my arms tighter. “I never stepped out on you, Chris. I do care about you.”

“You care?”

“Yeah, I do! Why? You really think I don’t?”

I shrugged while my mind was still mostly on the thought of her being with someone else.




“It’s not like you give a fuck about me playing basketball or anything.” I shrugged again. “What am I supposed to think?”

Rae looked hurt and I believe it was beginning to set in for her just how off we are.

“Saturday after this, January fourteenth, twenty-third and twenty-ninth are your next games. Practice on Monday, Wednesday then through to Friday, including gym, and I get your notes for you on Tuesday and Thursday. Therapy happens twice a week and you do most of your art work at the shop because you that takes up most of your time now.” I raised both of my eyebrows and looked at her oddly. “I know, Chris, and anything I don’t is because you haven’t told me.” I listened to her go on as I tried to control these indescribable and alien feelings. The whole time she had her eyes on me and it was making this more real. “Don’t think for a second that I don’t care. I’m just figuring things out for myself.”

Chapter 46 - The Truth Is


“Christopher,” I voiced sternly, arms folded over my chest as my brows knitted together. My body language changed the moment he walked back into the main area after using the bathroom – but he looked more relaxed than ever, my call falling on deaf ears. 

We were all in the living room, huddled up mainly in the centre. Ty was somehow reading a textbook, undisturbed by the activity around him, while Sade, Raheem and Chris were taking it in turns playing a game using Mijo’s Xbox. Robyn sat with Mijo – Bow in a seat alone, texting or on Twitter. Julian, however – he always seemed to be busy lately, so he was nowhere to be found.

Today, like often, I was being antisocial, locked away from them all. But once I decided to leave my room, I came across an unpleasant surprise.

“Chris!” I called again, but he didn’t respond, his attention fully on his game. 

I rolled my eyes and walked towards him, only stopping behind the couch once I was stood to the right of his shoulder.


It took him a second because his attention was so invested in the game, but then he finally responded, “huh?” He paused, mouth still open, pressing the buttons on his controller harder. “What you… what you want babe?”

My upper lip edged outwards at the sound of that. I didn’t like being called ‘babe’, and he knew that. 

“What’s wrong with you?” I shot feeling my stomach rumble. Chris frowned as a delayed reaction and slightly turned his head hesitantly in my direction. “What I’d do?” He questioned.

I pulled a face and shifted most of my weight to my right side, arms folding again after I let them hang when I walked to him. 

At my silence, he turned his head again, then paused the game once he got a good look. 

“Man,” Raheem mumbled. “Y'all can’t do this later?”

We both ignored him even though I wanted to laugh at how irritated he was. His scrunched up expression and the way he slumped in his seat like a five year old was all amusing. But I kept my face straight while I stared dead a Chris.

With attitude I asked: “Who told you to eat my Krispy Kremes?” 

Chris’ freckled face turned from worry to humorous guilt in less than a second. It was beyond sweet and made me want to smile, but I was serious about those doughnuts. 

“Babe, erm… it wasn’t me?” He tried and failed horribly by turning his statement into a question to see if I’d believe him.

“Your little friends ratted you out,” I mugged as Sade and Robyn giggled. 

“Y'all just gon’ snitch like that?” He mumbled and Mijo shrugged, a small smile on his face. 

“We can share a lot of things Chris, but not food.” 

He dropped his jaw in shock but just as soon he began to laugh innocently. “You’re so mean!” He whined, dimples showing.

“Yeah, whatever; just know that you’re buying me a whole box before the end of the day. I’m not playing Chris.” 

I couldn’t feel any eyes on me apart from Chris’ and appreciated the way that no one really cared or paid attention to us. 

“And you couldn’t even leave me one? You really had to eat both?” 

Chris tugged at my arm, pulling one down and letting the opposite drop before taking hold of my hand and stoking it. “I was hungry,” he smiled sweetly, and like an idiot, I smiled too.


For the last thirty minutes of so, we were all settled, doing nothing important. I needed days like this sometimes, and so I was grateful.

“Anyway, you wanna come with me?” She asked.

“Like I did last night?” I smirked, my eyes staying on the screen showing me and Sade’s second game. 

At my words, I received a hard hit from Nea and could imagine her stale expression without having to see it – which made me chuckle.

“We didn’t do anything yesterday,” she mumbled, “and I meant dance. I’ve been meaning to get the hall free, and today’s the day.”

I was feeling lazy so I wasn’t planning on leave to go anywhere today. She’d have to go on her own or with someone else. 

“Nah, you good. Have fun though.” I poked out my lips for a kiss but all I got was Nea’s had running over my face. 

“You just gone diss me like that? Aight, cool.” 

Rae only giggled at me, getting up and skipping to her room.

Once her door closed, Ty said: “you dumb, you know that?”

For a split second I looked over at him to see that it was me he was taking to.


I saw him shrug from the corner of my eye. “If my girl was a ballet dancer, I’d go just to see her bend. You know they like classy strippers with the shit they do.” 

“You missing out on a private show,” Sade said, laughing a little. 

The movement of my fingers over the controller slowed down at their words and my mouth dropped open a little. 

Out of nowhere, I tossed the controller into Robyn’s lap and jumped over the couch because walking around would have taken too long. 

“Wait Rae, I’m going with you,” I yelled as they all laughed.


It was all a dream 
I used to read Word Up magazine 
Salt'n'Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine 
Hangin’ pictures on my wall 
Every Saturday Rap Attack, Mr. Magic, Marley Marl 
I let my tape rock 'til my tape popped
Smokin’ weed and bamboo, sippin’ on private stock 
Way back, when I had the red and black lumberjack 
With the hat to match

“You dancing to this?” My face showed confusion, but she shook her head.

I had pleasantly watched Rae stretch in dumb stupid ways that I didn’t know she could, while only wearing a tank, leggings and her Ballet shoes with the ribbon laces. I was sitting on the laminated floors; my back was to the wall as she stood in front of the large mirrors, her ass facing me. Since I had the natural view of her from the back and the reflex of her front, I had a perfect seat.

Rae skipped several songs including Ordinary People, Bands A Make Her Dance, Birthday Cake and Lotus Flower Bomb before settling on Dance For You.

I just wanna show you how much I appreciate you, yes
Wanna show you how much I’m dedicated to you, yes
Wanna show you how much I will forever be true, yes
Wanna show you how much you got your girl feeling good. 

Once the song fully began and she was in the middle of the studio, she bent over and came up slowly, her legs crossed over as she stood on her tip-toes. She let one leg dip behind the other making her right ass cheek pop out. I licked my lips and watched her spin and add some foot work to it. 

Not only are you loyal, you’re patient with me babe, oh, yes
Wanna show you how much I really care about your heart,
Wanna show you how much I hate being apart, oh, yes
Show you, show you, show you, till you through with me,
I wanna keep it how it is so you can never say how it used to be

Nea was popping her top and bottom out so that he assets bounced out. She pushed her arms closer, causing her breasts to move closer together, squeezing them out — at the same time turning her head to the side, making me want to take advantage and bite on her neck.

But I know you know I’m the one
That’s why I’m all into you
'Cause I can recognize that you know that
That’s why I’m backing this thing back
Pop-popping this thing back
Drop, drop, drop-dropping this thing back

Half way through the song was my favourite part; she had me grinning from ear to ear, and I knew she could see me because she tried to hold back from laughing. 

My two front teeth dug into my bottom lip harder and harder once Rae began to roll her hips, straightening out her body so that her arms where above her head, all the while, still on her toes. 

I could tell that she was adding all types of dance to it because once she began belly dancing, she had a nigga damn near moaning. I adjusted my leg— dick through my jogging bottoms as I kept my eyes her.

Boy I like it when you watch me, ah
Tonight it’s going down
I’ll be rocking on my babe, rocking, rocking on my babe,
Swirlin’ on my babe, swirlin’, swirlin’ on my babe
Baby let me put my body on your body
Promise not to tell nobody
'Cause it’s 'bout to go down

Her hands began touching her middle as she bit her bottom lip and let it go slowly. At an even lesser speed, she dropped into the slips, bouncing once her legs were fully spread out. Nea let her head hang down which made me feel like I should be under her. She slid one leg along to close the gap then span on her butt to get up. But when she stood up, leaned to one side and lifted her left leg up straight so that she was basically doing the splits stands up, that’s when it reached its peak. 

I’m a happy nigga.


After two and a half songs, Rae was on her break and sitting with me on the floor. I knew she was talking, but I was keeping up with ESPN on my phone so I was slightly, or maybe almost entirely distracted. 

“Bitch, are you listening to me?”

I cocked and eyebrow and slowly lifted my head.

“Huh? You just called me a bitch?”

Rae tried to keep it in but failed and laughed right in my face, her freckles rising with her cheeks as she went harder. 

I grabbed her ankle and stood up, dragging her across the floor like a rag doll. She was yelling while laughing and trying to tell me to stop, and even as she tried to wiggle out of my grip, I only held her tighter and turned her in circles to make her dizzy. Her ass was wiping the floor clean and I was having too much fun with this. Finally, I picked her up so that she was hanging upside down. 

“Oh my gosh nigga, let me down!” She whined as I laughed. “Yo ass better not let me drop, son!” 

It was like I was tarsan swinging one of my money friends from a tree. Nea’s hair was falling out of its bun and brushing against the ground. 

“Say I’m the best and you sorry.”

“Chris! Let me—ahh! Christopher!” I pretended that I was going to drop her on her head and she freaked the fuck out. I laughed loudly at her, holding onto my stomach with one hand.

“Nigga, say it!”

Rae wiggled about for half a minute but became tired and gave up. Her face was turning red now and her hair band had slipped out leaving her hair to brush against the ground.

“Say you’re sorry and I’m the best.”

“Man,” she mumbled and began to tell me what I wanted to hear, but muffled her words when it came to the apology. I shook her around by her ankle again and she started screaming at me.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”

From my smile, I burst out laughing and held her higher so that I could wrap my arm around her waist and turn her around. 

Our faces met – she was pouting and I was grinning. I chuckled and leaned in to kiss her.


“Chris, I’m bored!” I whined, stretching out the last word of my announcement because the virus had gotten to me so badly. I could bet money that almost everything that would come out of my mouth in the next five minutes would sound like irritating cries if Chubbs didn’t entertain me. Doing nothing but work for the last three hours had done nothing but beat my brain in and drain my mind of any trace of imagination. At first, I felt good knowing that I was getting much need work done, but now I was done

Chris ignored my call, head down in his books so closely that it looked as though he was trying to sniff the pages.

“Chris!” I fought the urge to kick his upper thigh with my foot because I knew it would annoy him, and gladly that thought was positive, seeing as I had almost forgotten about his injury. 

His attention didn’t budge one bit, and in the silence I thought about how I needed to fart from the multiple doughnuts I had eaten. But that wasn’t cute, so I held it in but burst out laughing from what I was thinking. The way I went from a chuckle, to a giggle, to a chortle, to a full blown laugh distracted Chris, and now he was looking at me – eyebrows raised and head turned on its neck.

“I feel sick,” I choked, laughing through my words as I leaned back, body trembling. 

“That’s what your New York ass gets for being greedy,” he half mumbled. 

I laughed some more, almost crying now, but forced my words out. “No one told you to eat my shit! I wouldn’t have been so excited about a fresh pack if you hadn’t eaten the ones in the fridge.”

Chris scrunched up his face, both confusion and amusement gracing it. His look was due to my constant and random laughter that seemed near endless.

“It’s because I’m bored!” I said painfully, my laugh turning into a fluctuating giggle as my eyes still watered. But then I stopped with all forms of laughter and settled on a frown, my eyes burning.

“Eh, what’s wrong with you?” Chris’ top tip was edged outwards with his brows drawn together, and soon his facial expression softened once he could see that I may actually cry. 

“Chris! I’m so bored, like I’m 'bout to cry for real,” I said truthfully, believing that a few tears may escape. 

I detest boredom wholeheartedly. 

Now it was Chris’ turn to laugh, his raspy voice sending out sounds of his amusement in by pain. His deep baritone and rustling paper on my bed was all I could hear inside the room. 

“What you want me to do?” He asked helplessly but with a sweet smile on his face – like earlier on today, but without the guilt. 

“I don’t know,” I pouted, looking over at all the work I had to complete. 

“Well you gotta revise this shit or you’ll be shitting bricks when it comes to ya exams. You want that?” 

I pouted some more at his truthfulness.

“And you can wipe those tears yourself 'cause you not serious,” he said, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe my actions.

Silence fell at the end of his words, but I didn’t let that last very long.


I waited a while, but after that time, I was sure that he was ignoring me.

“Chubbs?” I tried again.

“Argh,” he groaned, his eyes back on the words in his book.

“Chubbs,” I called again, feeling a smile coming on.

“Man, Nea,” he mumbled with a breath as he readied his pen to write down some notes on the Russian civil war.

“Chubb-Chubbs,” I grinned, beaming.

“Stop calling me that,” Chris stressed while he screwed up his face with seriousness.

I found it all too funny, giggling to myself as I kept my eyes on the side of his face. The feel of my gaze on him made him reluctantly take a look at me, and when he did, I stuck out my pink tongue as far as I could to mock him and soften his face, bringing me some entertainment.

Chris dropped his eyebrows into a straight line and allowed a small smirk to place itself on his face, adding: “Don’t stick that tongue out unless you gone use it for good.”

Immediately, I mugged him, folding my arms over my chest and allowed my back to fall onto the headboard behind me. “Man, shut-up,” I mumbled, and he laughed.