these people try to fade me

K so I’m not done.

This is the year 2017 and I’m still having to yell about how ridiculous Maya extinction myths are and tell people we are ‘Maya’ not ‘Mayan’. I’m not saying shame shame if anyone reads this and didn’t know. I’m so angry concerning how slowly these issues are being picked up by educational institutions, at how often I have to bring these things up to higher education professors.

We are a massive massive group of peoples. One of the largest Indigenous groups in the Americas. Wikipedia cites 7 million or so of us total but honestly that’s way off because that’s about how many Maya folks there are in Guatemala alone.

We’re not dead. The Maya did not ‘mysteriously disappear’. We did not ‘fall’. We did not fade into obscurity. We’ve led revolts and rebellions against colonial powers for hundreds of years. We’ve had a big hand in shaping legislative definitions and protections for Indigenous Peoples in Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, and El Salvador.

We haven’t lost our cultures. We’re constantly threatened and experience a lot of violence and have our resources stolen but we are still very much alive and our cultures have persisted.

And don’t even try me with the whole “Oh well we mean your CIVILIZATION disappeared, not you.” The structure of our societies and layout of our network changed and decentralized in many areas. That didn’t make us turn invisible. That didn’t make us not still be large in numbers with a relationship with our lands and lose influence in the areas we live. We still held power in large cities way after what people like to cite as “the fall of the Maya Civilization” (around 600-900 A.D. when we still had cities that we held power of until nearly 1700 when the last was “conquered” by Spain.)

Which brings me to the next issue. Being “conquered” or having a colonial government installed does not erase Indigenous societies or civilizations. That’s an extremely eurocentric way of thinking. We didn’t suddenly turn into Spaniards. We still had massive amounts of towns and villages with leaders. We still had our cultures, our trade, our networks, our influence, while Spain focused on putting up flags in our cities.

So yeah. All your history books have you all convinced that an extremely large group of people, with a greater population than more than half of the countries in Europe, all died out 1100 years ago.

Now try to imagine what kind of shit Indigenous Peoples with much less numbers and much lower access to resources go through.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it snows.” he started. “Sometimes the moon doesn’t appear, sometimes there’s no single star to see. Sometimes the sun shines so bright, sometimes the sky is so blue. Sometimes there’s the moon, surrounded by stars twinkling that it makes the night sky wonderful.” he looked up knowing that she’s curiously staring at him. Thinking what he was trying to say. “But I just thought that maybe feelings don’t completely fade away, we just realized that there were so many shades of it. That sometimes we feel different things with different people.” he finally turned at her with his eyes. Showing her his genuine understanding. Then he uttered, “And I just found out that there’s something deeper. There’s something more to what you made me feel.
—  ma.c.a // Shades of Us

People Solas should fear more than the Inquisitor: 

  • 1. Hawke’s love interest if Hawke was left in the Fade. 
  • 2. The Warden Commander if Alistair was left in the Fade. 

-Like dude steps out of a mirror trying to recruit Merrill to his cause to “bring back what was ours” and Merrill just turns to him and says “you took Hawke from me” before slicing her palm and oh shit, girl’s blood magic game is strong.

-Anders shows up in the Fade, more Justice than man, his voice as loud as thunder when he says “you have taken the one mortal who mattered most. For that you shall perish”

-Fenris, leaving a slave rebellion, is greeted by Solas asking for his help to “bring the elves to freedom” and then Solas finds a hand through his chest, green eyes full of rage, and a voice that says “you”  

-Solas’ agents are found slaughtered one after the other with a gold coin on each of their corpses. A warning. The pirate queen is coming for you. 

-The Warden is ripping their way through each of Solas’ outposts, and while Solas thought he could fear no mortal, he starts to when they keep getting closer and closer. 

“I have pulled dead, mangled bodies from cars. I have lied to people as they were dying. I said you are going to be fine as I held their hand and watched the life fade out. I have held dying babies. Bought lunch for people who were mentally ill and haven’t eaten in a while. I have had people try to stab me. Fought with men trying to shoot me. Ben attacked by women who have had the shit kicked out of them by their husband as I was arresting him. I have held towels on bullet wounds. Done CPR when I knew it wouldn’t help just to make family members feel better. I have torn down doors, fought in drug houses. Chased fugitives though the woods. I have been in high speed car chases. Foot chases across an interstate during rush hour traffic. I have been in crashes. Been squeezing the trigger about to kill a man when they came to their senses and stopped. Waded through large angry crowds by myself. Drove like a mad man to help a fellow officer. Let little kids who don’t have much sit in my patrol car and pretend they are a cop for their birthday. I have taken a lot of people to jail. Given many breaks. Prayed for people I don’t even know. Yes and at times I have been violent when I had to be. I have been kind when I could. I admit I have drove to some dark place and cried by myself when I was overwhelmed. I have missed Christmas and other holidays more than I wanted too. Every cop I know has done all these things and more for lousy pay, suckie hours and a short life expectancy. We don’t want your pity, I don’t care for your respect. Just let us do our jobs without killing us.”

The first person I lost was my lover… I cried for 165 days in a row and the first day I didn’t, I felt guilty; as if suffering somehow equated to love and the fact that I hadn’t cried meant I didn’t miss them enough and I never deserved them in the first place…
The next person I lost was my friend… Things happened… things went wrong… It felt like my whole life was falling apart and when all I wanted to do was turn to my best friend… I realized they were gone…
After that I lost my soulmate because I honestly think I lost a part of my soul. I’m not the same person anymore, a part of me is missing and I know I’ll never get it back…
And one day when I’m ready… I will lose one more person to the distant past… One day… I will lose the ghost of those three people. The spectre I see sitting across from me at empty café tables, the one I turn to face at the punchline of every joke, and one I reach for in the within vast emptiness inside myself. One day that ever present shadow will fade away forever like the rest… but not yet. I ‘m not ready to let that last echo fade… I’m still trying to reconcile the loss of the other three because they were all so much to lose…
And I lost them all within a single person.
Only the Best Solas Quotes

There are sooo many. Here are some of my faves. Some are deep as hell, some are pure salt & sass, some are as smooth as his shiny bald head.

  • No real god need prove himself. Anyone who tries is mad or lying. 
  • I enjoy the frilly cakes!
  • We were all young once. Makes me giggle every time.
  • I am grim and fatalistic. Getting you into bed is merely an enjoyable side benefit.
  • I lay in dark and dreaming sleep while countless wars and ages passed. I woke still weak a year before I joined you.
  • The Inquisitor turns her hawk-like gaze to me, penetrating deep into my most secret desires. Only… Not. I care deeply for many things beyond the Fade. Just not you.
  • The healer has the bloodiest hands.
  • It’s comforting that whatever qualities I lack, you’ll invent for me, Varric.
  • I volunteered to help, Inquisitor. Rattle the bars if you like, but I chose to enter this cage. 
  • Ah - because I am an apostate. I might flee before the Inquisition throws me in chains?
  • Ass.
  • We must mark the occasion of the Dalish remembering something correctly. Perhaps we should plant a tree.
  • Or pomposity…
  • Most people do [forget Fen’Harel]
  • I will try, in my own fumbling way, to try and learn from how you helped to seal the rift at Haven. Ah, wait. My memory misleads me. You were not there.
  • How small the pain of one man seems when weighed against the endless depths of memory, of feeling, of existence. That ocean carries everyone. And those of us who learn to see its currents move through life with fewer ripples.
  • Please speak up - I cannot hear you over your outfit.
  • Provided it tied you down first, one assumes.
  • And of course: ALL OF THE ENJOYABLE SIDE BENEFITS FLIRTS.

If I missed any good ones, add your own!

‘have not, hear not, see not’ - a perception spell

perfect for anyone with someone that has left their life and moved on. sometimes it’s not even that you want them back, you just want to stop being irritated by observing them and their new partners, friends, etc. (insp. stardust)

light three candles of any color (i used black cause i associate it with cleansing and purifying) 

say: look upon them though i may

        my feelings intact will stay 

visualize the people in question then try to fade the image out of your mind

say: even if they stand before me

        i shall not see their love

blow out the first candle 

       feel it 

blow out the second candle

       or hear it

blow out the third candle 

as i say these words so mote them be

i am free

my heart is my own 

(i hope this works for anyone who tries :) magic always has room for personalization add and take away whatever you see fit. )

#DateMeBuckyBarnes (Part 10)

Summary: When Hollywood’s heartthrob Bucky Barnes breaks up with his girlfriend, you jokingly tag him in a selfie on Instagram to express your desire to date him. What you don’t expect is a response from the man himself [Modern AU].

Word Count: 1,261

‘#DateMeBuckyBarnes’ Masterlist

A/N: Hope you guys like the update! 

Originally posted by winter-barnes

You stared at Bucky in fascination as he said those words to you, wondering how he could possibly ‘step up his game’ after this. He certainly pulled out all the stops for this so-called friend date, reserving the entire restaurant just so the both of you could admire the breathtaking rooftop view of the city over dinner alone. What more could he do to excel this grand gesture?

“You know,” you started, breaking your silence as Bucky’s gaze fixated on you, “I’m not sure how you’re gonna top this. I mean…any more grand gestures, this outing is gonna qualify as an actual date.”

Keep reading

Imagine Steve catching you sneaking off

Requested by @netflixa with the prompts: “Can I ask you why you wanna push your luck? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing,” &  “Not that my choices are any of your business, but I’ve turned over a new leaf.” Tags under the cut. 

“Can I ask you why you wanna push your luck? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing,” the familiar voice coming from behind you hit a nerve and you sighed to calm yourself down.

Spinning around, you holster your katana and smiled at Captain America himself, “Not that my choices are any of your business, but I’ve turned over a new leaf.”

“A new leaf, huh?” Steve smirked skeptically and strolled right up to you. “Is that why you’re leaving in the middle of the night?”

“You caught me,” you retorted with false innocence.

Steve’s smile faded and actual concern fell upon his face, “Come on, Y/N. What are you doing?”

Pulling down your black hood, you shrugged. “I’m trying to make things right, I’m going to help my friend.”

“We’re your friends,” his hand reached over and landed on your shoulder; the warmth killed you.

“You of all people should understand the position I am in,” you scoffed and looked down at your watch. He was expecting you soon. “I have to go, he needs my help.”

“Murdock is a big boy, we have bigger things to fight,” his own words made him wince, because Steve knew what you were feeling.

“You sound like Tony,” you remarked with a tiny bit of disgust. “I fucked up and ran from my problems, leaving Matt to deal with the aftermath. I left Hell’s Kitchen and became an Avenger.”

Steve removed his hand and looked toward the door, “You’re going to get hurt.”

“I always do,” you chuckled. “Jesus, Steve. We’re all fighting the same battle here, you do see that right?”

“Yeah,” Steve’s voice was filled with remorse. “I get it, do what you have to.”

“But?” You asked with suspicion.

Steve stepped toward you, lifting his palm to your face. His blue eyes soften and a small sad smile appeared on his face. “Come back to me, in one piece.”

You grinned and clutched the front of his shirt, pulling him down to your lips. He kissed you gently, wrapping his arms around your waist. You groaned into his mouth and tugged at his blond locks.

“I have to go,” you whispered in between kisses, slowly breaking your lips from his.

“Yeah,” he managed a tight smile and cleared his throat. “Don’t get yourself killed.”

“Well, I have something to come back to now,” you patted Steve’s chest and winked at him.

He watched you walk toward the door and he couldn’t do it. There was no way he was going to let you walk out of that door alone, so he called out your name. When you turned to see what he wanted, he was already in front of you. “Give me a minute, let me go suit up.”

Laughing, you followed him out the door. “Oh, Matt’s gonna love this.”

Keep reading

Forget me. Forget the colour of my eyes and the feel of my skin. The way my hair looks in the sunlight. The way I cough and choke a bit when I laugh, like a smoker who has had one too many cigarettes. Forget the sound of my voice. Forget how shy I get when meeting new people, and my reluctance for trying new things, in fear that I will make a fool of myself. Please just forget me. Let the memories of me fade out like a dated photograph. Let my image crumble and deteriorate into nothing. Please just forget me, for it will make this easier on me.
Light | BadBoyJimin! x Reader

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Word Count: 1,735

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut (Just hearing sounds etc)

Summary: He’s always been like this. Addicted to drugs and alcohol, constantly getting into fights. He’s down a dark road and the only light that still shines is you.

A/N: I would like to apologies, this is the first time I’ve ever had a request from someone (and one other) and I stupidly answered privately so I couldn’t see the message anymore. I completely forgot to look at who requested and I deeply apologies for my stupidity.

__________________________________________________

Originally posted by jiminandjams

You remember when you first saw him, Park Jimin. It was your first day at university, when you accidentally bumped into him on your way to your dorm, which just so happened to be next to his. His appearance alone scared you, yet at the same time, you had become interested. The cliché bad boy look. Tight ripped black jeans, plane white t-shirt and a leather jacket covering his broad shoulders. With cigarette in hand, he sneered at you, before roughly bumping your shoulder as he walked passed to go to his room. From that day on, you were in love.

You never spoke to him, all you did was admire him from afar as he would talk with his friends and chat up a random girl in the corridor. It hurt… A lot. Seeing him with another girl, meant he had no interest in you, and he probably never would. You were shadow to him, an insect he could squish in between his fingers, that’s how unimportant you were to him.

You buried your head further into your pillow trying to drown out the loud moans from Jimin and his lady friend next door. This had been going on for what seemed like hours, and it was the last straw. Furiously getting out of bed you stormed out of your dorm and thumped on his door loudly. Silence had finally came to his dorm, but it soon faded when you heard loud footsteps come closer to the door, and when it was opened your jaw dropped. Jimin stood before you, in nothing but his boxers, sweat dripping down his forehead and toned stomach, hair pushed back, as he ran his hand through it.

“What?” he sneered as he leaned against the door frame. “Who the fuck are you?!”

“Your neighbor. Could you please keep it down. People are trying to sleep,” you asked politely. Jimin’s eyes narrowed as he stood up straight and stepped closer to you.

“Who are you to tell me what to do?” he threatened as he towered over you, giving you a deadly glare.

“I’m not telling you, I’m asking you… Nicely,” you added as you crossed your arms over your chest. Jimins eyes wandered down to your now slightly exposed cleavage and smirked. Upon realizing where his eyes were you unfolded your arms and pulled your top up. Blushing you turned on your heel to walk away until his hand tightly grasped your wrist.

“Are you sure that’s all you wanted me to do? Because if you want to join in, you can,” he whispered in your ear, his hot breath sending chills down your spine. You actually thought about joining him but your face turned to disgust when you remembered he was with another girl.

“I don’t think I’d want to ruin your time with your lady. So I’ll take my leave,” you almost snapped as you snatched your wrist and walked back to your door. “Good Night,” you mumbled as you shut the door behind you. Your breathing was uneven, and you were panicking like crazy. Jimin your crush, touched you. You were a mess, especially when he offered you to join him. You regretted saying no, but you didn’t like the idea of another woman being there. You just wanted it to be the two of you, as he’d dominate you with his tongue and make you feel good in all the right ways.

_______________________________________

It was a late Thurday afternoon, and classes had finally finished. A small sigh escaped your lips as you walked through the now quiet corridors of the university. However a sudden loud grunt caught your attention, peaking around the corner at the end of the corridor, you noticed that Jimin was pinned up against the lockers, the other boys hand firmly around his throat.

“Where the fuck is my money Jimin,” he boy snarled as his grip on Jimins throat tightened.

“Fuck you,” Jimin choked out. The boy used his other hand to collide his fist with Jimins stomach, causing you to gasp. Both heads turned to your direction where they just glared at you.

“Who’s this Jimin? Another slut you just use for your own pleasure?” the boy snarled as he let go of Jimin and made his was towards you. Roughly his hand tightened around your upper arm as he hauled you forward making you loose your balance falling to the ground.

“I barely know her, so let her be,” Jimin spat back as he straightened out his leather jacket.

“Oh I don’t think so, this little spy, could be of some good use to me,” the male licked his lips as he adjusted his trousers making you gulp nervously.

“Don’t fucking touch her Namjoon,” Jimin sneered as he stepped forward slightly.

“Oh so this girl does mean something to you. I just don’t get it Jimin, how come you can fuck any girl you want, but I can’t have this one?” Namjoon asked his glare still on you.

“Because I ask them. You haven’t,” Jimin answered back as he picked you up bridle style. “Go fuck yourself you bastard, you’re not getting near her for as long as a live.”

“Then you’ll die,” Namjoon launched himself at Jimin, making all three of you tumble to the ground, you stuck in between them. “Give me the fucking money and I won’t harm her!” Namjoon yelled. During that time, you managed to wriggle yourself out from between them and pull grab onto Namjoon’s shirt.

“How much!?” you yelled. Both of the males stopped wrestling and looked at you.

“What?” Namjoon snarled. You growled lowly before repeating your question.

“How much,” you spoke through gritted teeth, trying hard to contain your anger. Namjoon stood up and faced you.

“60.” Without hesitation you hauled out your purse and handed him the money.

“Now fuck off and leave him alone,” you snapped as you knelt down to Jimin and helped him up. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” you muttered as you wrapped Jimins arm around your shoulder and guided him back to your dorm. The journey there was silent until you entered the dorm and Jimin sat down on your bed.

“Why the fuck did you help me. I never asked for it,” Jimin sneered as his hands tightened to fists.

“Because Namjoon was hurting you, and he stopped when I gave him the money. Now shut up and let me see your wounds,” you ordered as you stood in front of him with a damp cloth and a first aid kit. “Take off your shirt,” you mumbled attempting to sound confident, but failed. Jimin smirked in reply and began to unbutton his shirt. Painfully slowly he took off his shirt and laid it next to him. Jimin leaned back slightly, allowing you to see his toned stomach better. “Jesus, he got you good,” you muttered as you noticed a medium sized wound across the right side of his body.

“Tch, I’ve had worse,” he snapped back, but instantly winced when you began to dab (Does the dab) his wound with the wet cloth.

“Jesus what did you buy that got him so worked up?” you muttered, leaning back to grab the first aid kit from behind you.

“You really wanna know?” Jimin challenged, his face expressionless. Your silence allowed him to continue. “I bought come coke off of him, and I said I’d pay him back in two days, which I obviously didn’t do.” You sighed in disbelief.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” You asked him. Jimin glanced at you in curiosity. “Why do you deal drugs, take them, smoke, drink way to much, and get laid every night?! You have so much to live for and you’re destroying yourself,” you muttered, tears threatening to spill down your face.

“What the fuck do you know?” Jimin snapped.

“I know that you’re better than this! It’s clear that people fucking care for you! And you throw them away like they’re trash!” your voice raised slightly as you stood up and turned around, not wanting Jimin to see you cry.

“No one fucking cares for me! Girls only want to fuck me because I’m good in bed! Or if they are in need of stress relief! I’m their fucking toy! HOW ARE YOU TO SAY PEOPLE CARE FOR ME! WHEN CLEARLY NO ONE DOES!” Jimins loud voice echoed through out your dorm making you cover you ears for a moment.

“Well I fucking do! Okay!” Jimin stood in front of you wide eyed as you turned around, your tears staining your cheeks. “I fucking care! I have since I first bumped into you on the way to my dorm! It hurt me so fucking much, seeing you bring another girl into your dorm nearly every night. Having to put up with the constant moaning and groans that came from both of you!” After you spoke you stopped and slapped your hand over your mouth, realizing you had just confessed to him. Slowly Jimin stood large steps towards you, making you move back until the back of your calves hit the end of your bed. In one swift motion, Jimin had you pinned to the bed, hands wrapped tightly around your wrists and he stared into your eyes as if he was trying to read you.

“Why would you care, you barely know me,” he muttered as he lowered his head to the crook of your neck, where he planted soft kisses down to your collarbone.

“Because everyone deserves a second chance,” you muttered, suppressing a moan as Jimin gently sucked on your sweet spot. “Including you.” Jimin continued to kiss downwards until your shirt got in the way.

“This needs to go,” he grumbled as he slowly began to unbutton your shirt. Nervousness suddenly took over you, and you stopped him.

“W-wait. I-I’m still a virgin,” you muttered, looking away in shame. A small soft smile spread across Jimins features as he hand his hand through your hair.

“It’s fine, I promise I’ll be gentle, but only this once,” he smirked and got down to business.

He loves to talk, but not all the time. He tells me that talking doesn’t mean anything unless it’s worth ruining perfect silence. Most people, he says, waste their breath on everything that means nothing. But he likes when I talk. About the people in the coffee shop, and old cities I wish I’d been to, and which constellations I like best. About anything, really. We talk until the sun rises, and then we sleep all day. And we sing loudly when our favorite songs come on the radio, and we let our hands drift out the window like soaring birds, and we live. God, we live. Like addicts, and nomads, and kids with wicked minds and screaming hearts. Half the time we don’t know what day it is, but we don’t care. Because his bed feels the same on Monday and Thursday and Saturday, too. And we eat when our stomachs grow too loud, and we press close when we can’t pay the electricity bill, and we learn that sometimes what is perfect and what is enough live oceans away from each other.
     But when enough becomes too little and we don’t even have our two pennies to rub together, he performs on the street with an upturned top hat at his feet. Old, bluesy songs about wild girls and townie boys. And even though his voice is only ok, with cracks in all the important parts, people see his long hair and his big smile, and they stop to watch with enormous eyes. Look, they point: a boy who never learned how to worry playing at maturity, his face bent over a guitar, long fingers threading the strings. They stand on the streets, a cigarette break from their white collar routine, and see in him some other life. Some different path. They see themselves, a little happier, a little louder, a little more carefree. The kind ones wish him well as dollar bills float from their hands. Fives and tens and twenties from those who would do everything differently if they had another shot. One man with a fading ring tan above his left knuckle gives him a crisp hundred dollar bill, his face lost in thoughts of what might have been. Transparent. He’s like that with people: prying them open without even trying. He sees through them, and you, and even me. Especially me. 
      We lay in bed that night surrounded by paper that will only pay a fraction of our bills, but we laugh like we’ve won the goddamn lottery. Laugh so hard we can barely breath. I laugh until I cry, and he holds me in his hands and tells me that when he has the money, he’ll buy me a ring and make this whole shindig official. My voice raw with tears, I tell him he better.
     And he has the warmest hands with callouses on all the fingertips, which I don’t think anyone else knows. Not like I know. Not like they feel them against their palm and cheek and thigh in the middle of the night. I like that I hold a million tiny fragments of him that no one else has even touched. Like he calls his sister twice a week to make sure she’s not using again, and he only watches scary movies because they make my blood flow faster, and he’s an all consuming, thousand-watt, stars in his eyes kind of person. The kind people want to be around without ever knowing why. The kind who tells you he loves you and really means it.
     He only says it sometimes. When it’s just us two and the perfect silence is worth being broken. And I trace road maps across the skin of his back, and I wonder. I wonder what I did to deserve all this. The affection, and the easy smiles, and the list of kid names we like tucked away in his desk drawer. Shuffled between coins and nicotine gum. And then his breath is heavy in my hair. I never fall asleep before him because I don’t know how to stop thinking. I wonder and I wonder and I wonder how I ever thought I’d be better off on my own. And he pulls me closer. Whispers my name like a promise. All the world stands still for just this moment. And I wonder how a person- one single, broken person- can come along and make so much sense.
—  I hope you find this kind of love, and I hope you never let it go.
The sun is climbing out of bed and straight into the sky, I’m awake again and I don’t know why. So I’ll write to you. There are things about me that I don’t like and loving yourself doesn’t happen over night. It happens during the day when your coworker asks if you’re okay, because it’s human to ask another human being if they’re doing alright. Is it human for me to lie? I’m alright. It’s just one day. Another day. I’m alive. I’m here. I’m making it work. I’m happening to today. I’m happening to myself. Did you love yourself? Did you hate the leukemia? Did it make you hate life? You never got to tell me your story. I just know the sad bits. So as a writer, I’ll make you up. I bet you enjoyed spring. How you’ll tell your friends to stay away from the bees, they’re minding their own business, so should we. I bet you always plucked a flower and ran away. I bet you loved the sound of rain as it was pouring. You sleep with your blanket half off and one sock kicked off. Music is soft and ethereal, it made you feel lovely and real. You visit bookstores and get lost in the poetry section, there’s so many poems, but there’s only you. Stay a little longer. Read just another page. It’s dark again. The moon dances upon thin skin, we wear our brightest smiles when the stars are out. I’ve never stargazed with anyone, but I would with you. I’ve never buried a secret too far from my poems, if you read close enough you’ll find out the truth about my flaws and how I’m just another page. I bet you loved to be kind. Kindness is a special kind of sexy. You can’t imitate it. It’s innate. I bet you had an amazing soul, your aura made sadness feel light, you drowned out worry with laughter and liked to hug those that cried because if leukemia taught you anything it is that in order to live a part of us must die and that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever had to write. I love you and I don’t know why. I miss you and I don’t know why. We’re strangers after all and this letter is sent from me to you. Just two people trying to get the stardust just right. Maybe in another reality, you don’t die. You didn’t have an illness. I wasn’t so sad. I was happy. Maybe we were best friends and you loved to walk down old streets with a mysterious past. Maybe you loved to love just for the sake of fucking loving something so precious as love. Maybe you lived like you knew some day all of our happiness will fade and if we don’t choose to live today, we’ll never truly get a tomorrow. Maybe you changed me in that reality like you did in this one. Even if we were strangers in that one or in the one where I’ve got leukemia instead, I think I’d still love you.
—  sunshine realities

anonymous asked:

Draco, what happened to the dark mark? What did you do to it or did it fade? I've heard that you cut your own arm over the dark mark to get rid of it. Is that true?

( @o0o-chibaken-o0o ❤️)

Draco: What?! *yelps as Harry yanks his arm out and pushes his sleeve up* What the bloody fuck are you doing, Harry, you’ve seen it a thousand tim–

Harry: *peering so closely at the Mark that his nose touches Draco’s arm* I don’t see any scars or anything.

Draco: *lip curling* Of course bloody not, because I didn’t cut myself!

Harry: Good. *kisses the Mark firmly* 

Draco: *automatically softening* You’re such a bloody idiot sometimes, love.

Harry: Do you even notice this thing anymore?

Draco: Would people judge me if I say no?

Harry: Not unless they want to be at wand-point, they won’t.

Draco: It’s just been there for so long now, and it’s had the courtesy to fade out as much as it has that I barely even glance at this…*scowls lightly* this shapeless patch of grey anymore.

Harry: And you wear long sleeves not for your sake but for the sake of those who might have a problem with it?

Draco: *trying to hide his surprise* Yes…

Harry: Well, I don’t give a fuck that it’s there, just so you know.

Draco: *scooting closer* I know.

kevin day: quotes to prove why i love him/will protect him (faves/most heartbreaking for me are bold)
  • “I’m not good enough to play on the same court as a champion.” “True, but irrelevant.”
  • “Where the court is, Kevin is. He can’t exist without it.”
  • “You.” Neil said at last. Kevin pulled at his racquet again, and this time Neil let go. “Tell me I can have your game.”
  • Kevin was more demanding of himself than he was of anyone around him. He set his standards impossibly high and tried for them with everything he had, and he didn’t understand why others wouldn’t do the same.
  • “I brought him here.” Wymack said. “He showed up at my hotel room at the winter banquet with his hand a bloody mess. He didn’t want us to notify the Ravens or take him to a hospital, so Abby bandaged him up as best she could and I put him on the bus back to South Carolina with us.”
  • “Fuck you cripple.” Across the room, Kevin’s face went white. “What did you call me?” “I called you a dead-weight has been.” Neil said. Kevin was out of his chair so fast he knocked it over. 
  • “You said he would come for you.” “I didn’t know it would be like this.” “Liar.” Andrew said, and Kevin flinched. 
  • “Help me.” Kevin said, almost a whisper. 
  • “Do you even remember how to smile?” Matt asked. Kevin glared at him. 
  • “Morning sunshine.” Matt said with exaggerated cheer. “Fuck you.” Kevin said. Dan yawned into her hand. “Glad to see youre still a morning person.” “Fuck you too.”
  • The audience cheered their hearts out, delighted by Kathy’s surprise, but they weren’t quite loud enough to drown out Kevin’s soft voice at  Neil’s side. The words sounded like a desperate prayer.
  • He ended up with his thigh pressed against Neil’s, hard enough Neil could feel him trembling. 
  • Abby jogged the last couple of steps to Kevin and crushed him in a fierce embrace. Kevin held onto her for dear life 
  • “Dont rely on something as insubstantial as a miracle,” Kevin said. “You won’t win anything by standing around. Finish getting changed and get down to the court.” “One day I want you to look up ‘insensitivity’ in the dictionary,” Matt said, annoyed. “I’m sure it’ll do your ego wonders to see your picture printed there beside it.”
  • Kevin had a knee hugged to his chest and his face hidden in the fold of his arm. His knuckles were white where his hand was clenched into a fist. Neil didn’t think it was the bus that was making Kevin shake like that. 
  • Wymack pulled a bottle of vodka out of the bag and put it down beside Kevin. “You have ten seconds to inhale as much of this as you can. I’m timing you. Go.” It was alarming how much a man could drink when he needed an emotional crutch. Wymack had to pry the bottle from Kevin’s desperate fingers afterward. 
  • The noise Kevin made at his side was worse
  • Kevin stared at him a few seconds longer, then got out of his chair almost fast enough to take the whole table with him. Abby was at his side in a heartbeat, expression pinched with worry. Kevin couldn’t seem to manage words, but he gestured for her to follow. 
  • Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, “You should be  Court.” It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in  Neil’s potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil’s best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.
  • “Will you still teach me?” Neil asked. “Kevin was quiet again, but not for long this time. “Every night.”
  • “Can you do this, Kevin?” Abby asked, searching his face for any sign he was okay. “Can you play?” “If I am breathing, I can play.” Kevin said. “This is my game too.”
  • “I’m satisfied.” Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. “Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There’s more than enough here for me to work with.”
  • Even Kevin was going to come out of this on top. He wasn’t going to fade into obscurity like Tetsuji and Riko thought he would; he would ride the Foxes’ resurgence to the top and reclaim his place in the spotlight.
  • “Do you have my ticket?” “You’re not going.”
  • “I know what he’s like,” Kevin said. Neil looked at him but Kevin was studying his hands. “Riko. If you want to talk.”
  • “It is not a switch you turn on and off. You of all people know this.” Kevin finally pushed Neil off him, but he didn’t try to get past  Neil. “You did not grow up with him. You do not get to judge me.”
  • “Good thing you’re not there anymore.” “Jean still is.”
  • Kevin recoiled so hard he slammed into the wall behind him. He clapped a protective hand over his own tattoo. 
  • Kevin had his elbow on the windowsill and his face in his hand. “I’ll tell them so you don’t have to.” Kevin gestured with his free hand: “Get out” or “I don’t care” but not “Don’t you dare.” He didn’t say anything; Neil didn’t think he could. 
  • Kevin was sitting on his bed, one knee tucked to his chest, as he stared dully into the distance. Neil sat cross-legged on the end of the bed and waited. It didn’t take long. Kevin propped his chin on his knee and said, “How do you do it?” Kevin flicked his fingers as if frustrated by his own vagueness and said, “After everything that’s happened this year, after Riko and your father and the FBI and knowing Lord Ichirou has found out about you, why aren’t you afraid?”
  • Kevin choked on his first denial. His second attempt was hoarse with disbelief. “Don’t joke about such things .” Neil stared back at Kevin in silence until Kevin flinched and took a half-step back. 
  • Neil felt cold all over watching him, but he didn’t know if it was fear that Kevin was going to injure himself again or awe. He’d always known Kevin was the best, but he’d almost forgotten what Kevin used to be like at his peak. 
  • “Did you know I’ve never been skiing? I’d like to try it one day, though.”
  • Kevin didn’t slow or look around on his way to the locker room, and he pushed right past his celebrating teammates in the foyer. He dropped his helmet and gloves on his way across the changing room and caught hold of the edge of the sink. He swayed a bit like his legs wanted to give out from under him and his hands were trembling so violently Neil could see it from the doorway. Instead of falling he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to the mirror. “We’re all going to die.” Kevin said at last. “No we’re not.” Neil said. Kevin thought about that for a minute, then straightened. After staring at his reflection for an age he lifted his hand and covered his tattoo on the glass. The result sent an odd tremor along Kevin’s shoulders. Neil didn’t know if it was approval or fear. All that mattered was that Kevin nodded and turned back to them. He looked at Neil first, then Andrew. “We have a lot of work to do.” 
  • Kevin was too busy soaking in the joy of being back on Trojan territory. His contented expression was at complete odds with the nerves and dread evident on his teammates’ faces. Neil wanted to tell him to tone it down, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Kevin in a good mood. 
  • “Interesting” was too tame a word for the look in Kevin’s eyes. The smile that finally slipped free and curved his lips was hungry. 
  • Now that number was gone, covered up by the jet-black image of a chess piece. Neil’s knowledge of chess was hazy at best, but he knew for sure that wasn’t a king. “You did it,” Neil said, too stunned to manage anything else. “Let Riko be King,” Kevin said, with the exaggerated enunciation of the thoroughly sloshed. “Most coveted, most protected. He’ll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me?” Kevin gestured again, meaning to indicate himself but too drunk to get his hand higher than his waist. “I’m going to be the deadliest piece on the board.”
  • “Fuck him,” Kevin said, sliding a little further down the door. “Fuck all of them. Waste of time to be angry. They should be afraid.” 
  • Kevin dragged his stare back to Wymack’s face and said, “and my father comes to all of my games. That is enough.” On Wymack’s other side, Abby’s gaze softened. Wymack’s jaw worked for a moment before he could say in an even tone, “Your mother would be proud of you.” “Not just me.” Kevin said in a rare bout of humanity. 
  • Before he stepped on Kevin tapped the butt of his racquet against the floor and passed his stick to his other hand. He stroked to half-court head high and left-handed and the crowd went wild. 

AU where whenever you make a friend, you get a tattoo somewhere on your body. you share the same or close to the same tattoo with that friend because some of them are just the exact same while others are like those best friend necklaces where you need the other part to complete the words. if it’s a shitty tattoo, it’s a sign of a shitty friend. some people have tons of tattoos that range from shitty to astonishing. some people have maybe 3 but they’re all beautiful and take up a limb and they’re fine with that. whenever you decide to get a s/o and there’s no tattoo after a few weeks of dating then it’s probably not gonna be a good/healthy/long lasting relationship bc it’s all just being built around romance with no vital best friend-ness. there’s always that one poor kid you knew in elementary school who was too shy to make friends and was considered weird for having such bare skin. being popular could be measured in the amount of tattoos you had so some people would form the most basic of friendships to be popular. but tattoos can fade if the friendships fades or stops. some people will try and cut and scratch at their skin to make a tattoo from someone who’s no longer a friend fade away faster. some go through so much hurt when their friend moves away or gets a new friend and see their tattoo fade on its own. some people get tattoos from internet friends and they freak out and love to it and take pictures to show it to the friend because it’s usually something that has that tech aesthetic but it still symbolizes a beautiful friendship. when the internet first began and people started talking to each other, stories about people getting friendship tattoos from people on the internet went crazy in the news. some tattoos are huge and complicated and intricate. some are simple and sweet and loving. some can start nice but change to something darker if the friendship gets unhealthy. the tattoos form without any feeling and seamlessly just like friendships do. hollywood stars and the like have some of the worst tattoos because the industry can be so shallow so they have to get makeup artists to try and fix the tattoo into something prettier or make it go away completely. throughout history some of the most iconic tattoos have formed. some cultures consider each tattoo holy. while others consider them silly and meaningless. very religious people sometimes form a tattoo with the god/goddess/deity they worship which are considered very holy to them and in religions you can’t be a religious figure without one. popular media figures get called out and looked down upon if they don’t have a tattoo with the person they’re married to or with a person they claim they are friends with. when people withdraw themselves, usually do to things like depression, friends try hard to be near them because they don’t want their tattoos to fade. some tattoos glow in the dark to symbolize friendships through tough times it can be apart of the tattoo when it first form or happen after a rough patch you and the friend went through. just basically friendship tattoos. i need more friend/platonic aus.

Would Never Call It Love Part 6 | Calum Hood

Inspired by the break up scene between Ross and Rachel in Friends. THIS IS NOT THE LAST PART. Part 7 will be the last part of this story. Hopefully you all enjoy. Inbox me your thoughts!

Previous parts 1 2 3 4 5

(not my gif)


After more thrilling shows with Ashton’s sweaty hugs and the exhilarating crowd heard from miles away, we all found ourselves here back at the hotel we were all staying at after the most recent show. All except, of course, Calum and Nia. Arzalyea and I were perched on the comfy bed near the edge, while the rest of the boys were sitting on the ground in a mini circle. Michael thought it would be fun to play a drinking game, a twist on spin the bottle. Instead of kissing someone that the bottle lands on, that person gets to mix a drink for you in private and you have to drink the whole thing. We had ingredients from things like vodka to horseradish. So, by midnight my throat was burning, eyes watering, and I felt the giggles come along as time went on. 

“Y/N, since you’re the most adventurous, how about we steam it up a little?” Luke suggested.

“And how are you proposing we mix it up?” I said, then continued to drink my orange juice chaser.

“Next person the bottle lands on, you have to take a body shot from.” My face cringed at the thought, but the already coursing rum and vodka running through my body made me nod my head, wanting to prove that I don’t back down. 

“Fine Hemmings, I just hope your girlfriend won’t kill me if it lands on you sucker.” I smirked to Arz who just pretend puked, and then laughed.

I spun the bottle at a moderate pace and it started to slow near the boys side. Once the bottle stopped, it landed on my now boyfriend, Ashton. He smiled proudly, already pulled off his shirt and laying down horizontally on the bed. I covered my mouth, embarrassed, as Luke poured a sloppy shot into Ashton’s bellybutton. He giggled at the odd feeling, but his eyes dug into mine, wanting to so badly feel my lips on a pretty sensitive part of his body.

“Now drink, sucker.” Luke mocked, and I pulled my hair back using my hand. As my lips pressed into his firm stomach, my lips rounded around the hole filled with liquor, and slurped it up, even using my tongue to clean it all up. I could feel Ashton tightened under me, and I swore I could hear a faint moan escape his mouth, even over the noises of everyone in the room. I sat up setting my hair in place and cleaned my mouth with the back of my hand, smiling proudly. But the room died down in commotion when we all heard the hotel door open. I was facing away from the door while everyone was facing it dead on, and bulging eyes told me it could only be one person. My head slowly turned around before my body, meeting his eyes. 

He was clutching his phone, water bottle, and wallet all in one hand, and all stared at us with a straight face. There’s a certain way you can tell when Calum is mad. His shoulders are far more back and brooding than a normal man, his brows hand low on his face with a slight downward curve, and his bottom lip juts out more along with his chin. To make the whole situation not seem awkward, I turned back around, as Ashton brought his hand to my knee to calm me down.

“Hey bro, thought you were gonna be with Nia the entire night?” Michael asked, and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“I broke up with her.” The whole room seemed as if someone pressed the paused button on a remote, and the whole room fell silent. The only noise to be heard was the slight ringing in the air. Everyone’s eyes, even Ashton’s, fell upon me, as if I was suppose to have some response or reaction to this statement. However, I didn’t budge, and kept my ‘non-concerned’ composure. Deep down, though, my heart began to race in my chest and got louder with each pump to the point where I almost couldn’t hear anything else.

“Nobody ask any questions, I’m going to bed. Hope you all are having fun.” He said sternly. I could feel his eyes digging into the back of my head, as he left the room to the second bedroom next door that was connected to the room we were in. As the door slammed shut, I jumped, and Ashton placed his hands on my shoulders. I heard everyone let out a shaky breathe, and the room seemed quieter than before.

“So, I think we’re going to head out, probably down at the lobby to the bar, you’re open to join us but until then, night Y/N, night Ashton.” Luke said, more hushed than his normal voice, and all 3 slipped out of the room without a single peep.

I could feel my mouth hanging open, and the build up in my chest that contemplated coming out in the form of tears, as I stared at the messy comforter beneath me.

“I think you should talk to him Y/N…” Ashton whispered, both of our heads now hanging. I trembled feeling his hands dropping from the comfortable position on my shoulders. I could feel the lump in my throat growing by the second, knowing exactly what was bound to happen either in this moment, or very very soon.

“You’re the only one who could get through to him in this time.”

“But what about us…” I looked up to find Ashton already wiping away stray tears, and sniffled.

“We both know you never really felt anything for me. Well…I personally know now.” He looked up at me with red eyes. “But I know you’ve never liked me more than a best friend.”

“Ashton-”

“It stings. It hurts. it’s…heartbreaking. But I mostly blame myself.” More tears lunged from his eyes, as I sat up and grabbed his cheeks, making sure to wipe them away as they fell, some being stopped by his growing beard.

“Don’t-don’t say that please…”

“But I do. I blame myself for taking you away from him and making you question your feelings. I blame myself for confusing you. I blame myself for taking you for my own when I didn’t even think about you, I practically took advantage of you. But mostly, I blame myself from breaking Calum’s heart.”

“W-what, do you mean? I broke him Ashton, I told him I didn’t love him when I did, it was all my fault you hear me?” He shook his head, shutting his eyes.

“No, he loved you even after all of that. And I, being the extremely selfish best friend, took his girl for myself, not even blinking an eye. And I miss him, I mean we’re Cashton. We’re best friends, bandmates, brothers. And now, I think I completely ruined our relationship for good.” He smothered his face into my palm, holding onto my hand for needed strength. I felt my own tears well up in my eyes, but held myself together for Ashton’s sake. Even though he couldn’t see me, I nodded my head to his request from before.

“I’ll do it, I’ll talk to him.” He cracked his eyes open, and began using his cotton tee to wipe around his tears. He sniffled a couple of times, before giving me a slight smile and a final kiss on the forehead.

“So I guess this is it, huh?” I asked questioningly.

“Unfortunately so.” He combed through my hair, staring at me the loving way he always has. This was the last time he’d be able to, this close, this intimately. 

“I’m going to catch up with the others. Let me know how things go with Calum please.” I nodded, watching him get up, grab his coat, and smile at me one last time before closing the door, leaving me and the Maori boy separated.

I had the courage from the fading liquor to fully open his door without a knock, and saw him lazily lounging on the bed with only his sweatpants on. The room was dark, except for his phone light on his face. I flipped the switch next to the door, and walked in further to shut the door. His eyes squinted, and he did not look at all pleased to see me of all people.

“I was trying to sleep.”

“Obviously not, you were on your phone.”

He huffed out a chuckle, and threw his phone against the plush chair in the corner of the room with enough force to see the veins in his bicep protrude. 

“Look, Calum I didn’t come in here to fight I came in to talk.”

“No, leave. Get out. I don’t even want to see you right now, I can’t look at you.”

“You have no problem looking at me when you’re basically tonguing Nia down in front of me, or giving me a death glare when I’m in Ashton’s arms!”

“Oh yeah how’s your little boyfriend? You’re little fuck buddy?”

“We just broke up Calum!” His eyes caught mine as he sat on the edge of his bed.

I strolled over to sit on the front of the bed, while he remained facing away from me on the side. “Calum, we’ve had our fair share of mistakes. I made the mistake of sleeping with Ashton while I still loved you. And even though he was different, my mind never strolled away from you. It’s always been you.” I tried to slowly lay my hand on his defined back, but he jumped up, swatting me away as if I were a fly.

“Don’t, touch me. You don’t get to come in here, tell me you love me and expect things to get better, none of what you said makes it any better, it doesn’t work that way!”

I couldn’t say anything, I knew I was the one in the wrong when it came to him and I. If I never would’ve told him I didn’t love him, and then try to jeopardize his new found relationship with my own selfish feelings, this all wouldn’t have unraveled this way.

“You’re the one who bailed, you’re the one who ran away from your feelings when I broke our most implemented rule. And besides the lying problem, we have this whole problem to fix! How are you going to solve it? If you really love me like you say you do, how do you plan to make things better!”

“Calum…I did something, so incredibly stupid and selfish of me. I lied to you, I slept with someone else to get over you, I ruined your obviously better relationship because of my own love for you which isn’t fair to you or Nia. And as much as I would jump at the chance to redo everything…I can’t.” My voice was now cracking at this point due to fast hot tears flowing down my cheeks.

“But in the end I know that what we have is so much better than any other connection we could have with anyone else. What we have is something more than just a good fuck here and there, it was a growing friendship and genuine love for one another. In reality you are my best friend Cal, and the only person I’ve ever felt anything like this before. I love you Calum…”

I swiftly grabbed his hand, and brought it to my lips but again he jumped even farther away from me.

“I won’t just fall limp in your arms like I always have this time Y/N! I have always came back to you! Not again! ” He pointed a solid pointer finger at me, emphasizing his words directly toward me. “I think you need to leave, and I think you should get back together with Ashton.” He slowly walked toward the door to open it for me, but I quickly got up and pulled his shoulder to look at me but he didn’t even flinch, but however did stop in his tracks.

“No, no Cal we can work this out, the love we have for each other will help us work this out, finally, together!”

“Well that love fading.” My heart cracked at his words, hearing that he could possibly be falling out of love with me because of my own actions completely ripped me apart.

“Look, we have to work this out. There’s got to be a way Calum…please…” I ran in front of him and placed my pleading hands on his visible pecks, feeling his rapidly beating heart against my palms. “I don’t know what to do without you, I have nothing without you. There’s a void in my heart that can only be filled with you, I need you so badly…” My crying eyes looked deep into his now deep brown ones, feeling as if our souls were connecting as his bottom lip began to quiver.

“I don’t know what I would do without these gorgeous arms that protected me and kept me safe,’ I placed a kiss on his bicep, ‘without these hands that kept mine warm even if your own were frozen,’ I kissed his fingers, ‘without this cheeks that held a smile so bright and alive that I didn’t need to look at another art piece in the world,’ I kissed his cheek, ‘without these eyes that spoke to me when words weren’t needed,’ I kissed his eyelashes, ‘and without your heart, your amazing love-filled heart Calum.” I ended with kissing his chest, my lips longing to stay on his heated skin. For a minute, I could feel him want to grab me and hold me there for eternity, afraid of ever losing me again, but instead, he just stayed lifeless in front of me, his arms staying down by his sides.

“I can’t do it…you’re so different from when I first met you, you’re like this completely different person I don’t even know anymore. Whenever I look at you, I see Ashton,,,lying above you like when I caught you two…” 

At this point, Calum Hood had finally cracked.

“Just like I’m sure you see Nia’s face when you look into mine…”

“No, Calum no. All I see is you. Your beautiful, fun loving, kind hearted soul. You’re the best person there is and I’ll always see you, as you.”

“These couple months have completely changed everything Y/N…whether you like it or not…I just can’t keep doing this with you. All the lying, the sleeping around, the putting yourself before anyone else.” I looked up at him, trying to find in his eyes if he was telling the truth. He was.

“I would have given up everything I have, for you. I would’ve put myself in danger before I let so much as a finger lay on you. But now…those feelings are fading, because for once I am going to put myself before anybody else. It’s my turn to have some happiness.”

I pulled away, hand covering my mouth while the other laid on my hip.

“But this can’t be it I mean…this can’t be the end of us Calum…”

His never left my figure as he took in my physique one last time. The way my hair fell onto one side as I flipped it, the way my foot twitched because of my anxiousness, the way I bit my nail trying to for-see what was to come after this moment.

“Then how come it is?”

And this was the moment, I finally cracked.


Part 7 if y’all really want to know how this ends! I left this at a stand off point, but I have plans for a part 7. This part actually made me choke up because this Friends scene kills me. Request loves!

I’m going to be honest, I am flawed in so many ways that sometimes broken mirrors are luckier than I am. I am cracked in every direction, splattered with old regrets and memories that probably will never fade away. I am the emotional baggage people leave behind at airports when they find their true loves, I am the product of things people never wanted. I have a lot of skeletons in my closet and I am not proud of some of the things I’ve done. On really lonely nights, I feel like I deserve all this and I don’t try to make up for my mistakes. I am stubborn– you would have more luck convincing the Greek gods of their shadows than you would with me. I’m picky and sad a lot of the times, being satisfied is a feeling I am not familiar with. I am telling you all of this now because as you know, we are all imperfect. But I don’t want you to spend your time looking for all the reasons why you shouldn’t love me; as human beings we are destructive compositions of everything our mothers warned us about and we will never find a person untainted by their own faults– if we were rational, we would take love off the table. There are a lot of things about me– about anybody– that should scare you. There are a lot of things to run away from. But I won’t hide them from you, like buried treasure, you will find them eventually. You will pick at them with the tips of your fingers and ask yourself if you can stand it, if your heart is strong enough to weather the symptoms of this particular person and I will bare my worst to you, promise you that bad days are in store if you decide not to leave. There is no use in lying, no purpose in trying to fix certain parts of ourselves that make us who we are– sometimes there are holes you cannot patch up. But I will do my very best to tell you the truth, to show you that I am not pristine, that pedestals are not where I belong. I will allow myself to be completely and utterly me around you. And that is the best way I know how to ask you to stay.
—  Let’s face it we’re all a little messed up but somehow that doesn’t stop us from loving
Absolutely Speechless Thoughts about 407

So like, aside from the Octavia stuff, this episode was cooking on all cylinders for me, and god, did it land some gut punches.

I’m gonna get the Octavia stuff out of the way first because…yeah.  I’ll buy what they’re selling (she’s hit rock bottom and longing for something– anything– to make her feel again) but I’m not happy about it.  Her conversation with Murderous Elf Prince was well acted but really heavy handed, and the shift from suicidal to Ready to Bone was a little bit abrupt.  But I’ve struggled with her arc this season and if this means she’s turning over a new leaf and we get some forward progress…sure, okay.  Also, this show’s insistence on what makes a murderer and what doesn’t is shaky at best and I wish they’d stop using that phrasing because it bugs.

The Science Island stuff really worked though, from Clarke’s lovely reunion with Abby to Emori’s delightfully in-character twist at the end.  I am INCREDIBLY CONFUSED how the mansion survived the first death wave not just intact, but pristine but I guess I can chalk that up to some Becca Invention of Future-Plot-Related Convenience because the initial scenes of Murphy cooking and Clarke taking a goddamn break with a well deserved shower and almost nap were on fire.  I wish we could have had Raven in there, giving Murphy increasingly unhelpful hints as he cooks just like he did for her in the flight simulator, but I do like that she was also taking a goddamn nap because literally everyone on this show deserves a nap and a cuddle.

The very convenient red shirt breaking in was puzzling, but it paved the way for Emori to steal the fucking show, so as my darling Moses in Attack the Block would say: allow it.  She really tore shit up, first with that brutal fight and then with her spitting out her whole horrible history and what I really liked about it was contrasting it to Clarke, who has darkness but in a very different way.  I have a lot of feelings about how Emori honed in on how Clarke was clearly loved and cherished as a child, because that is a fundamental to her characterization in a lot of ways.  It sets her apart from other characters, like Murphy and Bellamy and Raven, and it’s a sort of invisible privilege that she doesn’t always recognize.  (Privilege isn’t quite the right word there, because “being loved by your parents” should be a baseline human experience, but it isn’t and it’s a sort of emotional advantage that Clarke has that other characters don’t).  And having Murphy be totally fucking into Emori’s ruthlessness was a delightful surprise that still felt earned and in character.

Anyway, the red shirt solution was clearly an appealing option for Clarke, but I really, really liked that Abby was still all “this is fucking terrible of us.”  I appreciated the wisdom that Abby is bringing to the table there, because Clarke is just like “oh thank god this guy is worthless we can kill him nbd” and Abby’s like “…yeah, but we’re still killing him.”  (Or if he lives, they’re still torturing him.)  It’s an organic difference of opinion built around age and experience and I just love how it’s playing out.  It’s also highlighting how Clarke is unable to see the trees because of the forest, and that indicates some interesting moments for her in the future when they inevitably turn into Mount Weather: Bone Marrow Boogaloo.

Sidenote: real glad Zach McGowan was able to pick up a paycheck for this episode.  Good to see you boo, and I hope next ep we get Roan like, poking at fancy tech stuff in curiosity while Raven impatiently slaps his hand away.  I also totally forgot that Miller was on the island so when Clarke said Roan was unloading the fuel “with the others” I had this great mental image of him and Luna doing it by themselves, because they’re both ripped but he’s crossfit and she’s yoga and man now I want to write a fic with them as dueling personal fitness trainers.

The Arkadia scenes worked well for me too, although the “every other character who isn’t contracted for this ep is magically elsewhere” dialogue felt a little clumsy because how fucking big is Arkadia then?  But whatever, it gave Harper her own storyline that was heartbreaking and human, and well done, show.

But what I really want to talk about is Beard Dad and Bellamy having it out over a radio.  First of all, I’m really glad both Ian and Bob got some solid material for their highlight reels because they both acted the shit out of those scenes with just radios to play towards.  But everything was gut wrenching and in character, because Kane was parenting the shit out of everyone and nobody was having it, not even his Favorite Son Slash Trainee Dad.  

People have already said it already, but thank all that is holy for a Bellamy story that did not revolve around the massacre, but who he is as a person.  And who he is as a person is someone who will save the person in front of him every goddamn time, no matter the risk.  But lately, he’s been fading because he keeps trying to protect people and no matter what, they’re leaving him or dying and he’s utterly powerless against the oncoming radiation.  Bellamy telling those men that he wasn’t coming was agonizing to watch, and it reminded me of Bellamy finding Atom in the woods– he’s helpless and all he can do is listen to them die.  He can’t even give them mercy like Clarke did for Atom.  It’s a stark moment, and we feel every last bit of despair that Bellamy has been fighting for weeks.  

And man, poor Kane.  He was dadding Bellamy as best he could, but Kane has put his season one self so firmly in the past he forgot that not everyone has.  Bellamy bringing up Kane’s role in his mother’s death complicates their relationship in a really challenging way, because so much of who Bellamy is now is because he lost her.  He’s been carrying that guilt and anger around on his own for years, and you could tell it hurt him just a little to unload it on Kane, as deserved as it might be.  (It’s also a very on-brand moment for the Blake Siblings, and let’s have a moment of reflection to thank the new writers who managed to nail this in one fucking episode).  I am really interested to see where Bellamy is next episode, because “not wanting to be saved” is a really bleak place for him, but it’s also a place he’s been headed for this whole season and I cannot wait to see that arc come to fruition.

Next week: Bellamy and Jasper go on a very depressing looking road trip, and Jaha goes Full Cult!

Anonymous asked: Can I give you a prompt? Bellamy decides to have fun with the rest of the kids one night and drunkenly tells Clarke that he wants to have her babies (yes HE wants to have HER babies). And he can be like dead serious about it when he says it or smiling goofy or whatever - you can decide what kind of drunk he is. And then maybe Clarke is sober or not as drunk as he is so she has to deal with responding (or not responding) to his confession and then facing him the next day.

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