these little videos are the best

underrated john mulaney quotes:

  • “he never forgets a bitch ever
  • “…and he was almost impressed!”
  • “because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
  • “SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
  • “…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
  • “i’m a little fat girl”
  • “the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
  • “and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
  • “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”
what ur favorite cashbot says about u

short change: has a grudge against cold callers, lots of spare change in car, a little scatterbrained

penny pincher: has a hard time keeping track of what day it is, is really good at toontown, thinks all stage 2 cogs are best

tightwad: knows something when they see it, believes in wisdom over strength, likes blankets a lot

bean counter: wants to keep track of everything, very busy, gets very irritated when people stand around doing nothing when they could be doing something

number cruncher: very handsome, loves those “most satisfying video ever” videos, very sensitive and will cry if you insult them

money bags: selfless, one of the best friends that a person will ever have, listens to the sounds of rain when they go to bed, likes coffee shops and fall aesthetics

loan shark: easily irritated but mostly sweet, silver-tongued, a furry in denial, loves small fandoms and hates discourse, also hates misinformation

robber baron: a wise guy, loves puns and jokes in general, smiles even though things get hard, will most definitely make a million pringles jokes by the time you are done reading this post 

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.
You claim to love her, inside and out, but the only time you call her beautiful is when it’s 3 in the morning and I’ve already turned you down.
—  girls tell each other everything, c.j.n.
We throw around the word never likes its nothing but a small rose petal. The word never is a doubled edged sword. On one side it says ‘I will never leave you’ and on the other it says ‘I will never love you.’
—  The Word Never
Looking back, I can’t remember the truth. I blew everything out of proportion so I could feel the hurt and betrayal and write about it in vivid detail. It was my own method of torture. My own undoing; and I enjoyed every second of it.
—  c.j.n.