these complete idiots

people who put video tutorials online for literally everything are the backbone of this society i would be nowhere without the comfort that whenever i don’t know how to do something painfully simple i can look it up like i bet i could look up ‘how to preheat the oven’ and there’d be endless videos and i never have to look like a complete idiot again. thank you all for saving my life 

Networks and how they treat revivals/reboots
  • <p> <b><p></b> <b>Disney, Nickelodeon, and Adult Swim:</b> Hey there folks, we know you love these shows so we are going to bring them back and make them so both you, the longtime fans, and possibly new fans can watch and enjoy it. Now there may be some changes, but the changes we are making are for the better and we are sure you will enjoy them. We will also be getting as many of the original staff members as possible to work on the show so that it can still have the same charm that fans grew up loving while also getting new talent from people who have worked on some very popular and well received shows.<p/><b>Cartoon Network:</b> Hey everyone, we are here to ruin iconic shows! Watch as we make the powerpuff girls rarely fight crime, water down the violence, and make them hip and cool so that the audience can connect with them. If that's not your taste, maybe you will love Teen Titans Go, since we are always saying IT'S YOUR NEW FAVORITE SHOW! Watch as how we take all the characters you love and make them be complete idiots while also airing it non stop and never giving shows like adventure time, regular show, Justice League Action, or clarence reruns! Because why would you want to watch those shows when you can instead watch Teen Titans Go, YOUR NEW FAVORITE SHOW! And to top it all off we are bringing back Ben 10 again, and this time, it sucks even more then omniverse! Also take a look at our experience staff with the creators of TTG admitting they have barely seen any episodes of the original series along with the creator of the PPG reboot saying that Craig Mccracken, the original creator of the PPPG, gave him his blessing even though Craig confirmed on his twitter that he said no such thing!<p/></p><p/></p>

rowana-renee-deactivated  asked:

How many cookies would it take to bribe you into telling me a story, Bucky? They're homemade, and any story will do.

all of them. i will tell you the story while i wait for all of the cookies.

once upon a time, a little shit decided to go fight nazis. 

usually when i start a story that way, its a steve story. but this time its a me story.

i too fought nazis, my friend, and it was not fun at all.  it turns out nazis dont like being fought, and will fight back. this caused us a great deal of stress and trenchfoot. 

as you may or may not know, my nazi fighting buddies were called the howling commandoes. we had a reputation as being ‘howling mad’ which most people assumed is where our name came from. 

it is not.

so shortly after we’d signed up as steves unit, we got sent out on a sort of breaking-in mission. it was supposed to be a pretty routine just-behind-enemy-lines gig, mostly to see how we’d do as a team. at that point, we were the first ‘integrated’ squad under american command, so they wanted to be sure we were up to snuff. basically they sent us a few miles into a relatively lightly-fortified occupied area to blow up a few supply trucks. it went pretty smoothly. we were still getting to know each other, a bit. we’d met in the hydra camp in austria and bonded pretty well there but it wasnt like we were sitting around doing icebreaker questions. so on that first mission we spent a lot of time chatting, getting a better feel for each other as people. like summer camp, but with more potential for death, and shooting of nazis, explosions, and overgrown science experiments in spangly pants. 

so maybe not like summer camp at all.  i wouldnt know, i never went to summer camp. 

anyways, we blew up the supply trucks and we were headed back towards base when we came across a nice little stream. most of us were pretty dirty, so we agreed to take a few minutes, strip down and wash up. the area we were in was supposed to be secure; it was a slightly disputed border area, but it had been safely in allied hands for months. probably it wasn’t the smartest call, but sometimes you get dirt places you never wanted dirt and are willing to literally risk death to get rid of that dirt. 

we left our gear in a little stand of trees on the far side of the stream and washed up. 

at this point, dumdum dougan was establishing his reputation as the Toughest Guy Ever, which was a rough gig when one of your squadmates is captain america, who literally walks off bullet wounds like a moron. nevertheless, dumdum had the mustache and was determined to be the manliest man around, so when the rest of us got in, clean, and back out as fast as we could manage, because the water was freezing, dumdum decided to prove how macho he was by pretending he wasnt cold at all, and the rest of us were wimps. 

naturally, the rest of us thought he was ridiculous. we were all pretty much dressed and good to go, and dumdum was still sitting in an ice-cold stream in april, bragging about how tough he was. i, being a little shit, covertly suggested we play a little prank. 

so the rest of us finished gearing up, then grabbed his things and started running. his pack, his gun, his boots…all his clothes except his hat, which was hanging off the handle of a knife he’d stuck in the tree. we knew he’d stop to get the hat, and that gave us a head start.

as soon as we started running, dumdum came out of the stream after us, and as expected, stopped to get his hat and knife. we had a decent head start, and he was yelling at the top of his lungs after us. we were all laughing our heads off, because he looked like a complete idiot, running after us brandishing a knife, in nothing but a bowler hat. 

unbeknownst to us, a nazi squad had been sneaking through the woods ahead of us, and were setting up an ambush on one of our transport trucks. they were all tucked away in the underbrush, waiting for the transport to get close enough, and had just popped out of the shrubbery and fired their first couple shots.

which was approximately when a ragtag-looking, still-wet group of cackling maniacs led by the bastard child of paul bunyan and lady liberty burst out of the treeline, being chased by an angry naked man in a bowler hat with a knife. 

there was a very long moment when everyone stopped shooting at everyone else and stared at us. 

and then everyone went back to shooting at everyone else.  but the ambush was angled to ensnare the transport coming up the road. we came from behind them, and they had pretty much no cover from our angle. as soon as we realized we’d run into a combat zone, we dropped the gear and started shooting. steve used the dinner platter of justice and cleared out about four nazis at once, and dumdum got the worlds unluckiest nazi with his knife. poor guy. there’s not a whole lot worse than your last sight on earth being a naked dumdum dougan.

 we’d unintentionally provided a perfect distraction, and the transport had time to regroup and return fire. between us, the ambush was taken care of in a few minutes. 

but the thing was, we’d broken protocol by stopping to wash up, and as a shiny new unit still on probation, the last thing we wanted was to tell anyone what had actually happened. 

so instead we told them that we’d known about the ambush and had decided to provide a distraction, and were just crazy enough that we thought the best way to do that was run howling straight into it. dumdum’s nudity was explained as a personal preference: the man just likes fighting nazis naked, sir, and you cant say it wasnt effective??

naturally, the story went everywhere and got bigger each time it was told. probably we should have gotten in tons of trouble but the story was such a morale booster that they let it slide. 

and thats why we were called the howling commandoes. 

the map

Snape demands Harry to turn out his pockets and takes the Marauders Map to examine it

James: Oh Snivellus, I’d love to see you try

Lily: What does it do?

James: You’ll see in about a second.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.

Lily: Oh for Merlin’s sake, the map insults people, too?

James: *grinning* It insults people but drags Snivellus.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Lily: JAMES!

James: *innocently* What? It’s the map.

Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.

James: *stifles his laughter*

Lily: Will you ever grow up?

James: Nope.

Mr. Wormtail bids, Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

James: Ugh, I forgot that prat was there, too.

Lily: I can’t believe you did advanced magic just to insult people.

James: You have to admit it’s a masterpiece though.

Lily: All the brains you had and you created a map that says slimeball.

James: *sad* You don’t know what the map is capable of Lils.

Lily: You are so lucky he is asking about it to Remus.

James: Another proof that Snivellus is a complete idiot but yeah, Remus would know what to do with the map and maybe see that the bloody rat is on it.

Lily: Look at him bullshit his way out of this. Incredible.

James: *smiling* All of you thought he was the innocent one, I mean, that man can bullshit his way out of anything.

Remus takes the map from Snape and takes Harry and Ron with him to talk, he is very angry with Harry.

Lily: Harry is in big trouble.

James: *frustrated* For Godric’s sake, Sirius is not after Harry. I want to throw a rock at Moony’s head. *imitating Remus* These mapmakers would have wanted to lure you out of school. Fuck you Moony.

“Do you know them?” said Harry, impressed.

“We’ve met,” he said shortly.

James: WE’VE MET??? WE’VE MET??? YOU– I MEAN– I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE–

Lily: *soothingly* James, deep breaths

James: I became a fucking stag for that man, don’t tell me to take deep breaths.

Lily: *sarcastically* You’ve got a point, keep on yelling.

“I can’t make you take Sirius Black seriously.”

James: *apruptly stops* Tell me he didn’t just say “take Sirius Black seriously”?

Lily: *laughing* Yes he did.

James: *disappointed* The Remus I know wouldn’t have told that without an eye roll.

Lily: *slowly rubbing James’ back* A lot changes in twelve years, love.

James: *ruffling his hair* They shouldn’t have.

Lily: *reassuringly* It will be alright soon. Look, Remus has the map now, he will see that Peter is in the castle, Remus will know it wasn’t Sirius.

James: Sure but still, I can’t shake the feeling that it will never be the same.

Lily: If I know Remus and Sirius even just a little, it will be better.

James: The stars to his moon, yeah?

Lily: *smiling* Exactly.

Signs in school

Aries: Either damn loud and obnoxious in class or quiet and hard-working. They are usually always impatient and snap in class when people annoy them. They don’t mind helping people but they do get annoyed when people ask too many questions.

Taurus: Their favourite lesson is lunch time. Enough said. They do alright in school. They’re usually patient, quiet and hard-working. They’re not necessarily popular, however they don’t mind speaking in class. The teachers usually like them.

Gemini: Whether they’re shy or the most confident in the damn school, they usually say what they think and talk in class. They doodle when they’re bored and get in trouble for stupid things like forgetting homework or talking over the teacher. When it comes down to it they can do well.

Cancer: Either the sweetest souls or the meanest bitches. The former likes to help people and wouldn’t dream of being mean. They’re shy and adorable, and very smart, but also get angry at the smallest things. The latter, however, gossip all the time, laugh at people and make them feel bad. They talk about people’s friends infront of their faces. They’re horrible and have no true friends.

Leo: They’re fun, outgoing, lovely, smart and popular, or they’re smart and COMPLETE IDIOTS. I love Leos but boi. They have great hair and clear faces, but you either love them to pieces or hate them. They don’t mind speaking in class and are usually quite confident in themselves.

Virgo: Usually smart and quiet. They’re the sort of students the teachers love and they help out after school alot. Extremely smart and almost always gets 100% without even revising. They’re friends can sometimes be jealous of that. However they’re very critical and accidentally put others down. But altogether, they’re good students.

Libra: Usually popular, and have their pedicures and manicures done, their hair on fleek and usually look great. Or, they don’t give a crap and only brush their hair in the mornings and wear the first outfits they see. They go on their phone in class and pout when concentrating. They’re not stupid and quite smart but act it to get their way. They bat their eyelashes too.

Scorpio: Normally very quiet and give of a “speak to me and I’ll murder you” vibe. Actually just loves memes and that’s what they’re looking at when their head is resting on the desks. The teachers don’t care because they generally do well and don’t distrupt the lesson. And they’re scared of them. Alternatively, they’re outgoing and social and very popular.

Sagittarius: Fierce and give of a don’t give a f*ck attitude whether they’re loud or shy. They love adventures so their favourite lessons are pe and geography. They also are f*cking hilarious and joke alot. Have the ability to do well but the teachers don’t have faith. They generally care about having fun and a good time.

Capricorn: Are a model student. Have alot of enemies, but they literally are only about success. They’re not interested in a relationship at the moment. They have friends and they do amazing in class, but they are also quite serious and don’t go out with said friends very often. Or they can be stupid and slaggy and no one respects them lol

Aquarius: Definietly thinkers. They’re the ones that excel in English because they’re deeply intellectual and think outside the box. Have alot of friends but seem to argue with them due to the friends being impatient with the Aquarians bullcrap conspiracies. They are funny though. They’re not popular nor unpopular, they just float in the middle.

Pisces: Pisceans sleep in class alot and don’t care too much about school. They enjoy creative writing and arts and excel in these subjects. They struggle with maths and science because they would rather dream of their future and create intimate thoughts surrounding this. They have an average sized friendship group and are either really good in class or really don’t care.

“Hey, vampires! Was all that human blood you drank today tasty? Sure hope so…because that was your last supper.”

self care is eating an entire tube of Pillsbury Original Crescent Roll™ dough raw while driving in the pouring rain with your windows down