these are the men i look up to

so I’m going through the atomic blonde tag and I literally just saw a post saying that the movie is sexist because charlize theron looks “too thin” in the trailer, and because it’s “unrealistic” for a woman to be able to beat up men who are significantly larger than her, especially in heels??? 

like??? buddy. pal. my guy.  

this is a female-lead film in an almost entirely male-dominated genre (seriously, when was the last time you saw an action movie where the main character was a.) female, and b.) not someone’s wife/girlfriend?), directed by an established filmmaker (david leitch, best known for his work on john wick), starring an oscar-winning actress who is also producing it herself, featuring a romantic subplot between two women, with feminist themes in the trailers and promotional material, and you’re going to boycott it… because the main character (a secret agent who is required to keep high standards of physical fitness for her job) is too fit??? or because she’s too feminine??? (I mean, I can run and jump and climb in heels, and I’m definitely not a highly-trained spy.) if you genuinely believe that conventionally attractive/traditionally feminine women being portrayed as tough and badass is “unrealistic,” then it sounds like the only one being sexist here is you. 

Misconceptions-Chapter 2

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Natasha x Bucky, Platonic Tony x reader.

Warnings: ANGST. Pregnancy, violence, insecurity and self-loathing, Mutant reader (powers similar to Jean from X-men with a little immortality thrown in) smut maybe? i may add a little Logan if Ya’ll are into that kinda thing. Sad Bucky. 

 This one physically hurt. i aint gonna lie. Dont hate me. 

Originally posted by oreo-wonderbatch

Tony stares at you, mouth slack “oh Jesus, oh (y/n)” I’m crying now you can get through this (y/n) big girl panties. “ I need to leave T. He can never know, no one can, this is my responsibility” Tony opens his mouth to protest, you hold up your hand silencing him “no Tony I see how he looks at her, he’s undeniably in love with her, its Natasha for fuck sake” you take a deep breath, fresh tears accumulating in your eyes “I’m not Natasha, I’m a freak, A mistake” Bucky’s earlier words echo in your head. Mistake just a mistake “I’ll never be able to give him what she does Tony, and I’m sure as hell not letting a mistake Buck made ruin his relationship. I’m leaving and I need your help T” you shove down the onslaught of emotions, its fraying the edge of your control, you’re losing the ability to keep a lid on your telekinesis and you need to stop. Now or you’re going to have, what you have affectionately labelled in your head as an “episode”. “I need new papers, new passport a new identity. An apartment a new life, I need to get out of here T”

“please Tony I need you to do this for me, I have no one else” you whisper.

He stares at you hard lines decorating his face, you can hear the battle going on inside his head and you know you’ve won. “Alright kiddo, I don’t agree with this but I’ll do as you ask, get your shit together you leave in 3 days” you heave a relieved sigh and throw your arms around him “Thank you tony. Thank you” he gently pries your arms away from him “go pack. Do it quietly. They will suspect” you nod, mentally steeling yourself to make your entrance back into the communal area you’re doing the right thing (y/n), you can’t force him to be with you. He chose Natalia and you are not going to ruin that. Admittedly your inner monologue is not helping and you can feel your carefully crafted façade cracking. You have to do this. You love him. You have to.


“you and Bucky” Nat asks with a sly smirk “me and Bucky?” you counter, “what’s going on there kitty? Are you dating?” you pale, totally unprepared for Nat’s super special spy skills “I uh. we um…I don-” you splutter “Ah come on now (y/n), I’m your bestie dish bitch” motherfucking Natasha. “we aren’t dating Nat. we sleep together, I help with his nightmares, we watch movies and listen to music, he’s a male version of you, but we have sex” you answer, skirting around what’s she’s really asking you “do you have feelings for him? Does he- “she takes a breath “does he have feelings for you” she finally asks, you hear the worry in her tone and feel the affection for her double, you didn’t deserve her, you really didn’t “No natty its jut stress relief. A man like Buck is not going to catch feelings for the first dame to float his way in 70 years” She frowns at you “I wish you would stop doing that kitty. There’s nothing wrong with you” you scoff and turn away missing the relieved look on her face as she contemplates your words.  


Bucky is waiting for you when you return to your bedroom, the face you love so much staring at you, hurt and confusion flicker in his eyes “Kitty” he says in the low baritone that sends shivers down our spine “what’s going on?” he asks “why are ya avoiding me? Did I do somethin’ wrong doll?” his voice cracks on the last syllable, what you’re doing to him breaks your heart but you have to break him, dismantle the friendship you spent years cultivating or he will come look for you, Bucks nothing but loyal. Dude doesn’t know when to quit.

You square your shoulders and muster the most acidic tone you can “what have you done buck? You fucked me for six months, used me, broke me and then threw me away like trash when my best friend finally decided to look at you” you’re shaking now, Bucky’s face falls with every venomous word you hurl at him, pain and anger flashing across his features “I was nothing more to you than a warm body to stick your dick in and soothe your fucked up mind” he stands abruptly, looming over you trying his best to contain his anger “ what the fuck (y/n)! ya agreed! No feelings, no attachment, I didn’ ask ya to feel anything for me, I didn’ want ya to feel anything for me” you suck in a sharp breath “that’s on ya and I won’t apologize for takin what ya offered me so willingly” he’s looking at you straight in the eye, this isn’t your Bucky. You don’t know this man, cold and calculated, indifferent to the obvious pain etched on your face “and why the fuck did ya think this was anything more than a quick fuck, that I wanted anything more from ya?” he spits out through clenched teeth.

“ya aint nothing special doll” Your bottom lip quivers, willing yourself not to cry, not too breath, His face twists in horror as he realizes what he’s said “(y/n) Jesus, no wait I mean-”he desperately tries to back peddle

 “So this is what dying feels like” you think

“Get out. Now. Don’t look at me. Don’t speak to me. I never want to see your face again sergeant Barnes” your voice is flat, calm, devoid of all emotion.

“kitty please, I’m so so- “he pleads “GET OUT JAMES! GET THE FUCK OUT” you’re screeching, sobbing, slamming your fists into his chest “IF YOU WANT TO THROW ME AWAY THEN FUCKING LEAVE YOU SON OF A BITCH”

“(y/n) …” He tries “Get. Out James’ you seethe.

He takes a step towards you, arms outstretched, desperately trying to pull you into his arms “don’ do this, please, don’ shut me out, let’s talk this out baby please i’m sorry” he begs.

“No.” balling your fists. you stare him down and hiss “I aint nothing special Barnes, remember?” You see him break then, the sound that leaves his mouth caught between a gasp and a wail,his face mirroring what your trying so hard not to let out, he physically deflates, shoulders slumping in defeat. You take a morbid sense of pleasure knowing that you have hurt him as much as he hurt you, mistake just a mistake.

He leaves without another word.

You send out your resignation letter the same night.

 Tags: I’m just tagging everyone. I take perverse pleasure in your tears. fight me

@beckyyyyyx3 @smile-sugar @buckybear97 @i-had-a-life-once

@minxyvixen @tilltheendwilliwrite @crownedloki @whyisbuckyso

@redroomproperty @imgettingmarriedtobuckybarnes @griseldaevn

@barry1215 @marvelous-fvcks @denialanderror @gingerbatchwife @smsimoes @kt-the-destroyer @nennesse @chipilerendi @wheresthekillswitch @bovaria @buckyhoneybarnes @loricameback @lancefuckrr @mellifluous-melodramas @buckyismyaesthetic

anonymous asked:

How can I make my hands look more masculine? I've got super feminine hands and idk is there even anything that can be done to make them look less feminine?

Kii says:

These are some ideas I came up with. Add onto them if anyone has anything else!

  • Men’s watches/rings
  • Keeping your nails short and not filed into any specific shape or painted
  • Don’t use lotion (unless your hands are really dry) so your hands feel rougher
  • Let any hair on your hands/fingers grow and don’t remove it

Keep in mind that there’s not really a way to change the shape or size of your hands. Taking T before your growth plates fuse might help a small amount, but for the most part, this is one of the parts of your body that can’t be changed.


I was tagged several times to post selfies during the last couple of months, but I honestly don’t remember who did… So have a special selection of me just after waking up/tired as hell/looking like trash after sleepless nights/etc…

anonymous asked:

I don't wanna hear any 1D stan say they care about people with mental illnesses then go ahead and drag zayn for not touring when they know why he's not doing that.

they dont give a shit lmao like zayn opened up in his book about how he was vomiting with anxiety before iheart and how before the summertime ball where he couldnt move more than a few steps before having to sit down but they dont care bc it doesnt have enough ~drama~ whch is all they care abt with zayn, some kind of dehumanised punching bag they only deign to pretend to care abt when it suits them, the rest of the time he’s just there to prop up their faves in their attempts to make them look better. why do you think they ignored all of the extracts from zayns book about mental health or any of the stuff he’s said in interviews in order to spread fake quotes about him talking about ‘the boys’ (i hate saying that bc they are grown men), or pre-emptively attack him over shady stuff in the book that didnt even happen only to ignore it when it didnt satisify their craving for drama and for zayn to put one step out of line so they can attack him.. so yeah they will never care abt zayns mental health lmao to them its something they can use as a cheap drag and thats that

Naked at Jury Duty

No, it’s not a dream.  I did not wake up all cozy in my bed, with a little stuffed capybara by my side. I actually, legitimately, almost was nude at jury duty. 

It begins one hot summer day in my Home State. I, being of age, had been called to jury duty. Not knowing exactly what was expected of me, I dressed up. I looked goood…black dress that zipped up the front so it had a cool zipper look, earrings, makeup, the works! I Metroed to the courthouse and had a very strange conversation with two men about a woman who had jumped in front of a train in Chicago or something when our train suffered a brief breakdown.

So I got to the courthouse, signed in, blah blah blah, went to the waiting room. The waiting room was boring, and cold. I had a sweater with me, which I put on but didn’t zip. I took a nap. I woke up when they announced it was lunch break. Oh, I’d be going outside, where it was hot!

You see where this is going right?

So I groggily tried to take off my sweater. For some reason, even though I was unzipping it it wasn’t coming off. I woke up a little more.

I had just unzipped my dress down to my navel thinking it was my sweater. I was sitting in the middle of the jury room half-naked.

Luckily no one noticed, but there you have it. The time I almost got undressed in the middle of a courthouse.

I hate these picture hoarding ass men. Like honestly. I remember this one pot pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture from my tinder and was like “you look so hot in this picture, I wish you would’ve worn something like this to our date” and mind you it wasn’t even anything super revealing. Like it’s something I’d feel comfortable with my parents seeing.

Anyways, it wasn’t the fact that he wanted me to look sexier at dinner that threw me off it was the thought I had in my head of him being at home jerking off to that picture and how many other guys have done it before. (Also wanna mention he saved all 4 of my tinder pics in his camera roll, I watched him swipe through them). And the fact that he had it saved in his camera roll, compared to just pulling up my tinder profile.

I can’t be the only person who thinks this is creepy?

anonymous asked:

Does God allow misandry?

So I will be honest, I had zero clue what this word meant but I looked up the definition and I can already say no He does not.

For those of you who don’t know what this word means: “Dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e., the male sex).” (Source)

By “allow” I am assuming you mean “agree with, support, has a positive feeling towards or does He see it as sin.”

Here is why I believe God does not “allow” misandry:

Galatians 5:14 - “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, [even] in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

1 Samuel 16:7 - “But the Lord said to Samuel, Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Galatians 3:28 - “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Acts 10:34-35 - “So Peter opened his mouth and said: Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.”

Genesis 1:26-27 - “Then God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

1 John 4:20 - “If anyone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

Matthew 7:12 - “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Mark 12:31 - “The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Proverbs 6:16-19 - “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

Luke 10:27 - “And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

Romans 12:13 - “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”

Romans 12:16 - “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.”

Romans 16:17 - “I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.”

Galatians 5:19-24 - “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

Proverbs 16:18 - “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Ephesians 4:32 - “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

1 John 2:11 - “But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”

Proverbs 28:11 - “To show partiality is not good, but for a piece of bread a man will do wrong.”

Proverbs 24:23 - “These also are sayings of the wise. Partiality in judging is not good.”

James 2:1 - “My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.”

Titus 3:10 - “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.”    

Titus 3:2 - “To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”

1 Timothy 5:21 - “In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.”

I rest my case :) God bless hope this has helped you!

- Emily <3

Negan's Daughter

Negan took a deep breath as he had just finished the final syllable of his speech, the Alexandrians lined up before him and the RV at his back whilst his men surrounded the area.
“Daddy, daddy, look!” Came a small voice, one that Negan instantly recognised: his daughter, Elizabeth. The door of the RV opened, and a small girl with black straight hair and hickory eyes clumsily walked towards him.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” Negan turned around and bent down so that his eyes were level with his daughter’s, he rested Lucille between his legs and his cold eyes filled with paternal steam.
“Daddy look what I did!” Elizabeth giggled, proudly holding up a piece of paper with her mother crudely drawn in it with some botched crayons and stick pencils. Negan’s heart swelled with pride.
“It’s wonderful, Eliza, now daddy has some things to clear up. Can you wait in the car?” He asked softly, picking his daughter up in one arm and holding Lucille with the other; Elizabeth poured slightly before nodding and giving him a quick hug before she scuttled back into the RV.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?!” Negan yelled at Dwight, who was supposed to be keeping an eye on Elizabeth whilst he sorted some… things out with Rick Grimes.
“I-I don’t know, boss… She was here a minute ago” Dwight had only turned his back to light a cigarette, but the second he turned back to Elizabeth, she was gone. Panic struck through Negan and the worst things imaginable coursed through his mind.
“FUCKING FIND HER” Negan demanded, he needed Elizabeth to be found or otherwise he might never forgive himself.

“Daddy!” Elizabeth giggled, returning back to Negan with Dwight in tow; Negan breathed out a sigh of relief, dropping Lucille and bringing his daughter into a tight hug.
“Oh thank f- thank god you’re alright” Negan sighed, holding onto the only thing he had left.
“Daddy, look!” Elizabeth smiled, showing Negan the small chunk of chocolate that took over most of her hand; Negan chuckled softly and ruffled her hair.

new topic; 

today i was walking home from work, and i work downtown right, its like, a 2 mile walk. anyway, on warm nights, i get harassed all the time. men always yell, or walk with me, or reach out at me, or some other shit. im a 20 yr old woman so, that just happens. 

but tonight, i was walking and listening to music, and i heard a voice talking over it. it was my discover weekly playlist so i was like, wow, weird song. anyway, i eventually picked up that it was an actual person behind me. I took out my headphones and look behind me, and theres a guy walking with me. I guess he assumed i was ignoring him bc i was nervous, so he started screaming at me. 

so he just kept walking along with me, screaming “if you’re scared bitch say you’re scared, if you’re scared bitch say you’re scared!” over and over, until a cop pulls over and he starts to back away 

but it’s like, why is this my walk home every night, why can’t i walk 2 miles without getting screamed at by some man who needs attention

anonymous asked:

Hi! I'm writing this, assuming you have already watched joes newest vlog. Anyhow, yesterday's vlog he said 'thumbs up if you think I should have a child' and today's one (the latest one) it starts off with a pathology specimen sample, presumably his of course. This could be used for paternity tests or to get a prognosis for an illness, seeing as he's 25 and its recommended men should get tested for prostate cancer. (None of my friends watch YouTubers so I came here to share my thoughts) 😁😁

DUDE WHEN HE SAID “thumbs up if you think I should have a child” IT WAS SO RANDOM IT MADE NO SENSE IT FIT NO WHERE and I looked through the comments and no one said ANYTHING about it like it was so casual I about flipped my shit. So random. I love him. But tbh I don’t want him to have a child from a non serious relationship yall know like *cough cough Louis and Liam cough cough* but I think he has a bit of baby fever??? idk man idk but I want him to have a child but like responsibly (did this make sense lmao)

Another fairly quick sketch I decided to colour: Rick’s parents. I had to piece this idea together from snippets of conversation from the show. Rick’s dad is a short guy with glasses and a shirt and tie because in the episode with Unity Rick says “I want the stands packed with every man who remotely resembles my father” and all the men look roughly like this guy. I doubt he had a good relationship with him, from that line. Maybe his dad wanted him to be a banker or something while Rick’s heart was set on science. His mum is pure conjecture in terms of looks. There’s nothing said about her apart from another Rick in the “Pocket Mortys” game telling him: “Our mother was never satisfied.” I guess I’ve given her a worried/smothering look for that reason. Rick just wants to get the hell away. He probably ends up going to university then dropping out because “school is not a place for smart people” but he runs with it for the first year to meet chicks (and guys, only secretly because it’s the seventies) and drop acid. IDK what happens next. Probably meets Beth’s mother then a decade later invents inter-dimensional travel. I also can’t figure out if Rick had dark hair when he was younger or if it was always bluish grey. I know he creates a teenage clone of himself in one episode (Tiny Rick!) and its hair is blue, but that was more like a freak clone that still looked like an old man. Who knows?

i’m in my prime,
not withering and old.
but i refuse to play
your wicked games any longer.

i know this tether is unbreakable,
but you make me feel like i’m interchangeable.
you drew a target on my heart,
when did this become fatal attraction?

i don’t have the strength,
the energy,
nor the patience
to be held hostage by your love.

so baby please don’t despair
when i say that
i’ve found the courage to
let you go.

you were never meant to be tied down in the first place.

—  believing i could love you was my mistake, c.j.n.

kim k put herself in a video game custom character creator and fucked up the proportion sliders to look like a black woman in order to court black men and now her zombie amalgamation of a body is falling apart and i don’t feel bad. not i.

Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will bring the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.


For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

he literally said being female is not that important to him when looking for a partner

he said don’t knock it til you try it about hooking up with men

so sure you can go ahead and ignore the rainbow flags, the rainbow pin, the social media posts in support of the lgbtqia community, the michael sam jersey and just brush everything off as harry ‘being a good ally’. 

but the people who think harry isn’t straight aren’t reaching or trying to ‘forcibly out him’ they’re listening to the words coming out of his own fucking mouth.


                                             -Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

It’s Fred and George’s 39th birthday today, think about that when you continually request me to write smut you filthy animals