theres so many weird things going on with my body you dont even know


‘  let me just make one thing clear… i have no clue what’s going on, ever, at any moment, at any point in time. who knows what’s going on? not me. not ever.  ’
‘  i would just like to publicly announce that i have no idea what i am doing  ’
‘  we came from the same star and we will come together again in the end  ’
‘  i have a ‘why am i like this’ moment at least five times a day  ’
‘  did i need it? no. did i buy it? yes.  ’
‘  the most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning  ’
‘  petition for stars in the day time please???  ’
‘  i love it when i wake up and stretch and something cracks. makes me feel like a glo-stick  ’
‘  drop whatever you’re doing right now and climb a tree  ’
‘  the most fucked up part of adult life is how you can just decide to do things  ’
‘  i’m a person who wants to do lots of things trapped inside a body that wants to SLEEP at all times  ’
‘  i’m so tired but i’ll probably be awake until 3 am for no reason  ’
‘  time to kick my own ass. bitch had it coming for too long  ’
‘  honestly ‘thanks i hate it’ is one of the funniest phrases in the english language  ’
‘  do you ever wonder how many people have loved you and never told you?  ’
‘  the internets one true talent is making me sick of things i’ve never seen or read or heard  ’
‘  i’m permanently emotionally damaged but it’s chill, i’m chill  ’
‘  all cracker barrels are dimensionally linked. you could walk into a cracker barrel in georgia and walk out of one in arkansas and feel nothing  ’
‘  ‘you look different with makeup’????? you think i’m buying shit for hundreds of dollars to just keep looking like my ugly self … ok  ’
‘  why did the fray go off so hard in ‘how to save a life’?  ’
‘  anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms  ’
‘  not to be too controversial but i like it when people are nice   ’
‘  the sun has no business tapping out at the tender hour of 5pm bitch i have depression  ’
‘  i forgot how fucking weird november is theres no afternoon its just night after 2pm  ’
‘  what time do you need me? i am unavailable whenever that time is  ’
‘  look i may have made a few typos and committed a few murders but nobody’s perfect okay  ’
‘  i guess at this point i should just consider dating myself  ’
‘  i’m aiming for the “she’s a badass and cute as hell but i wouldn’t touch her without asking” look  ’
‘  haha if you’re bored you could kiss me idk just sayin  ’
‘  i see you’re paying attention to someone who is not me. why is that.  ’
‘  80s music wont solve all my life’s problems but it certainly distracts me from them  ’
‘  i cant believe what walkie talkies are called  ’
‘  some people think life is like a rollercoaster but my life is more like one of those rides that spin really fast so you’re pinned to the wall and can’t do anything about it  ’
‘  hey girl do you want to make a fragile human connection in the vast and unfeeling infinity of a chaotic universe  ’
‘  all these fuckboys but who is the fuckfather  ’
‘  i love drunk me but i don’t trust her  ’
‘  do you have those people that you’d go anywhere with unconditionally, like they could say “lets go check out that dumpster” and you’d be like “im in”  ’
‘  nah sorry i cant go out tonight, i have plans to spiral into uncontrollable anxiety starting in the early evening and ending at roughly 3 am  ’
‘  me: queen of having had enough  ’
‘  she needs a hug (i’m she)  ’
‘  is it acceptable to start an essay with “listen here you little shit”?  ’
‘  90% of my day is me being nervous  ’
‘  cons: i’m an asshole. pros: i’m your asshole.  ’
‘  give me 10 reasons why i shouldn’t just turn into a slug right now  ’
‘  are we gonna fuckn hold hands tonight or what bitch  ’
‘  dear soulmate, where the fuck are you  ’
‘  i’m so easily revitalized by small, loving gestures  ’
‘  i dont know what im feeling but there is a lot of it  ’
‘  let’s be friends with benefits. the benefits? you get to be friends with me  ’
‘  you ever just sit back and think like… yo… i really don’t care  ’
‘  im surprised no one has ever punched me in the face  ’
‘  what if mike was short for micycle  ’
‘  hey fellow regular kids what’s up  ’
‘  if u ever called me pretty i love you. ur pretty too  ’
‘  do you ever just ‘there’s probably something medically wrong with me but i’m just gonna ignore it and hope i don’t die’?  ’
‘  why did we stop building castles? i feel like humanity might live to regret that  ’
‘  i’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace  ’
‘  i am so glad you exist, even if you exist so far away from me  ’
‘  i can hold a wet bar of soap better than a conversation  ’
‘  she is beauty, she is grace, she got her feelings hurt 42 times today  ’
‘  13 years of school and im still not sure if its ‘grey’ or ‘gray’  ’
‘  hope u like bad girls because i’m bad at everything  ’
‘  got a problem with me? kiss me on the lips dude  ’
‘  too many songs about love. not enough songs about sword fights  ’
‘  don’t talk to me or my 78 insecurities ever again  ’
‘  i just did a tarot reading… it said ur a bitch  ’
‘  a good substitute for love and fulfillment? a crunchwrap supreme from taco bell  ’
‘  i fucked up? idk what you’re referring to but probably  ’
‘  *in a high-pitched mocking voice* “are you okay?” what the fuck.  ’
‘  how do u just….. not believe in aliens  ’
‘  a coffee pot can be a coffee mug if you just don’t fucking care  ’
‘  “you’re up early!” jokes on you i didn’t sleep at all and am in between energized and dying  ’
‘  dont wanna sound like a slut but i really need a hug right now  ’
‘  casual fan? no sorry i only know how to invest my whole livelihood into something and spend every waking moment thinking about said thing  ’
‘  i have a dozen hearts swirling around my head irl like that isnt a filter its permanent  ’
‘  i worry about you even when you say you’re fine  ’
‘  i will never hurt you. i will always stick by your side. i will always try to make you smile  ’
‘  true love: having to hold back your adorable, violent girlfriend to keep her from straight up murdering a dude  ’
‘  cute date idea: be nice to me  ’
‘  im so jealous of people who know what they want to do with their future i dont even know what t.v show to watch next  ’
‘  me? clingy? yes please don’t leave me  ’
‘  hey….,.,.. no offense but,,. i want someone to love and cherish me  ’
‘  i need someone to lay in bed with me for hours  ’
‘  dark hannah montana….. show me the worst of both worlds  ’
‘  someone has to say it: come on eileen is a fucking banger like that shit snaps,, a bop for the century  ’
‘  roses are red, i’m going to bed  ’
‘  bless netflix for creating the skip intro button honestly  ’
‘  they call me… 7 Knives. because that’s how many knives it takes me to cook things because i keep puttin em in the fuckin sink without thinking about it  ’
‘  i wanna burry my face in someone’s chest right now til i fall asleep and wake up 4 hours later just to find i’m still in their arms  ’
‘  the internet has ruined me honestly i’m numb to everything. it could be the end of the world and i’d be like “tag urself i’m the acid rain”  ’
‘  lately i have been…….dying to be in love…,..and that’s the mood sadly  ’
‘  not to be ns fw but i’d cry if someone kissed me on the cheek  ’
‘  sexting? nah. i’m into spexting. spooky texting. ever seen a ghost? hmu.  ’
‘  not to sound cocky as shit but i’m a fucking good person with a big heart and i deserve a lot more than the shitty hand life has dealt me this far  ’
‘  i say i love you a lot because i do  ’
‘  i’m sorry. i can’t come to the phone right now? why? oh. cause i hate talking on the phone please text me instead.  ’
‘  low on self esteem, so u run on mac & cheese  ’
‘  who’s gonna come lay with me in bed and let me wrap my legs and arms around u like a small bear  ’
‘  youre a coward if youre not on the way to my house right now to give me a kiss  ’
‘  my personality is like 90% the song i’m currently listening to  ’
‘  the first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself  ’
‘  no offense @ life but can i have a breath.. a break… some slack…  ’
‘  the best kind of alcohol is a lot  ’
‘  911 i hate to be “that guy” but i glued myself to the ceiling again  ’
‘  having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch  ’

Call Me By Your Name - Questions Masterpost Part 2

Thankyou to everyone who has sent in questions. I send my love to you. Reminders: I haven’t read the book and I have tried to remember as much of the movie as I can. Excuse any memory fades. Please still go and see the movie. Even if you are disappointed with the answers I have given you. It is hard to describe this film sometimes as there is so much beautiful cinematography, acting and music that is hard to get across in writing.

(first masterpost link

you all know the drill now. Below for spoilers. read at own risk


Keep reading

the past tense of hunger is eaten. re: john hunger voremaster 9000, re: ennui, re: nihilism, re: taz as a longrunning fuck you to despair.

so this is technically liner notes for “and there will be no more sorrows in the worlds to come” but its really an essay about john hunger and nihilism and the end of all things and the desire to stop existing and the subsequent desire to extinguish existence and reality itself, and also about taz’s philosophical underpinnings and how taz is, in some interpretations, kind of a metaphor for human triumph over nihilism. wow! thats a lot! im perfectly qualified to talk about none of this!

also disclaimer: im actually really bad at coherently writing things down analytically (this is incredibly ironic considering my major + previous jobs) but bear with me, i promise there might be a payoff.

To begin with some backstory, a couple days ago, i wrote a bizarro fic at a breakneck pace about what happened from john hungryboy’s perspective. I wanted to characterize/explore the mindset someone has if they want to destroy existence, and how that translates to being able to convince everyone else that existence should just stop, everything should stop, everything is terrible. tldr i wanted to figure out the hunger, and how john could convince it into being, and what would happen to john because of his actions — and how his views change toward the end of TAZ, as seen in episode 68.

Even though i finished the fic pretty quickly, im not sure how much closer i am to articulating the idea of the Hunger – but at the same time, I think I understand it and…in context of the taz overarching narrative, i’d argue that griffin picked the perfect villain for his story.


What john realized before he became the hunger is that in the context of existence, all actions are meaningless, and by extension, all emotions are meaningless and basically ephemera.

In the face of infinity any happiness is fleeting, any love is fleeting, everything you do is pointless because its a single blade of grass in a field. every good moment is countered with a thousand bad ones, and its like, you know how like, in calculus, how derivatives and integrals work? all the slices of the curve or whatever. yeah. its like that. its been 2 years since i did calc but basically, by analogy, time is a logarithmic curve with no end and when you take the derivative from n to m (shit it might have been integral, i forget) that’s the portion of your life that is good, but theres still the rest of the curve that continues into infinity. the limit does not exist. i think thats a pretty apt analogy.

shit why am i talking about math, ok we’re going back on topic. the hunger. johnathan voreboy’s whole shtick.

I asked for people to please identify the Emotion in my fic regarding what the hell the hunger is about, like, conceptually, and 17827 left a comment saying its like “somewhere in the ballpark of depression, or if nihilism was an emotion? or like both apathy and depression at the same time.” and i thought that was actually a really intelligent comment, because like…yeah. that’s pretty much right.

The hunger is nihilism taken to one of its logical conclusions. ie: if everything is meaningless, then breaking the world is the only meaningful thing.

so, pivot: let’s talk about nihilism! Let’s be moderately precise about this. To quote wikipedia, font of all knowledge, nihilism is:

Existential nihilism is the belief that life has no intrinsic meaning or value. With respect to the universe, existential nihilism posits that a single human or even the entire human species is insignificant, without purpose and unlikely to change in the totality of existence. The meaninglessness of life is largely explored in the philosophical school of existentialism….a moral nihilist believes that all moral claims are void of any truth value.

To quote the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy: “A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy.

So, you know. this sure sounds a lot like John, and the hunger.

(And you have to wonder what society in john’s world is going through, that they accepted his message so readily.)

There are analogues to what John’s world is going through in real life. nihilism, is, after all, a human concept - and various groups/art movements/cultural shifts deal with the idea that “hey maybe it doesnt matter? maybe nothing matters” - dadaism, ?etc. These analogues are differing amounts of positive/negative, but they do speak to the way that society reacts to the suggestion that life is ultimately meaningless and all actions are the same action. (I think that the argument could be made that we’re sort of in a post-nihilism postmodern state right now, considering the current scope of the world and attitudes toward the future, and in that sense, taz is very timely)  

Having characterized the hunger as resigned to the idea that if everything is forever, then nothing is able to matter, then the narrative arc of the starblaster crew becomes really interesting. Because it is in and of itself a massive FUCK YOU in the philosophical basis for the Hunger’s quest.

Which brings us to…


The Starblaster crew spends a hundred years in a Sisyphean cycle of death and rebirth and fighting an enemy that seems completely unstoppable. The Starblaster crew is trapped in an everlasting existence with no promise of it being finished. The Starblaster crew leaves planets behind to die and knows that most actions they take will almost certainly not help them on the next planet, that it doesnt matter what happens to their bodies, that they will continue.

Thats johnny vore’s whole point - that is THE ABSOLUTE DEFINITION of a life neverending and death neverending and everything continues for fucking ever and that infinity is terrible.

nothing means anything and everything lasts forever.

But. As we hear in the podcast, the attitude that john assumes regarding eternity does not apply when put into practical considerations. Rather, in the face of eternity, anything is possible. In the face of endless renewal, you can be anyone. In some ways, the endless cycle of life and death is seen as an opportunity for love.

To quote juice/taako, when he’s talking to barry: ‘You know, we’ve lost a lot, uh, and there’s a lot more that we might lose, but the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of and it’s time.“

IE: the endlessness of existence as an opportunity, rather than a curse.

Or, if nothing matters and nihilism and entropy are the truth of the universe, then maybe…maybe that means everything matters.

There’s a complete rejection of the idea that even if an experience is short-lived or partial, that it is meaningless. Think about Lup declaring that they can’t sacrifice a whole world, because that would change who they are, and they can’t be those people. Each action/emotion that the crew has defines them, even if it ultimately does not affect the larger paradigm.

So that’s the opposing attitude to the one that Johnboy suggests.

And, quoting the IEP again, "Nietzsche himself, a radical skeptic preoccupied with language, knowledge, and truth, anticipated many of the themes of postmodernity. It’s helpful to note, then, that he believed we could–at a terrible price–eventually work through nihilism. If we survived the process of destroying all interpretations of the world, we could then perhaps discover the correct course for humankind.”

gee, what does that sound like?

hint: it sounds like oh i dont know, the exact fuckin narrative of the stolen century and also taz as a whole.


On a more personal note, it was weird for me to write the fic/this post because personally i align more with john voremaster 9000’s point of view - im of the opinion that life is terrible and filled with ennui and everything is just another thing that happens and it is awful, sometimes, to think about all the years that will come next and also whatever happens after death and oh god, is this it? is this just the rest of forever? am i like this forever? is everything like this forever? hey maybe can i just erase myself from reality? i want to just fuckin Be Gone? like life is conceptually fucked up, you know? like fuck me fuck everything lets just BLOW IT ALL UP.

(And it was actually really upsetting to write about johnhungerboy and realize how easily John’s point of view came to me, and i think i need to re-evaluate a couple of things in my life, haha.)

but i think the fact that i was able to get inside john’s head is actually also really fascinating in and of itself - because that implies that john’s pov is immature.

To put it in context, im 21 and probably mildly depressed and dealing with the fact that maybe the rest of my life isn’t going to be as rigidly plotted out as my previous 21 years. Of course everything seems like forever and terrible. but john was like, fifty. john is an adult, with a bunch of life experience, he’s had the opportunities to see why fleeting happiness matters. john’s argument shouldn’t be possible to characterize so easily. and I think thats further proof that john is wrong — but that’s another essay entirely.

the point being, this concept of john’s attitude as immature fits with the idea that nihilism is a transitory state for a society, and one that must be overcome - and that john, by the end of taz, is beginning to realize what he’s created and how it is ultimately ineffective.

(semi-related note: i think john is. uh. depressed. or something. not enough canon basis to make a thesis re: this, though)

Am i definitely reading too much into taz? oh yeah. this is a goof podcast full of good goofs.

But at the same time, to go back to my original point of john vs the starblaster, the argument could be made that taz is about spitting in the face of infinity and saying “not today, fucko, these good moments are worth the rest of the shit,” and about the triumph of belief in love over time, and that if nothing matters and everything goes on forever, then you are ultimately defined by your own personal actions and you have absolute freedom coupled with infinite time, and that is a good thing.  

or. To put it in Clint McElroy’s terms: “Kiss my ass you sanctimonious bastard.”

To be particularly intellectually masturbatory, im gonna end this devastatingly long blog post with a quote from my own fic that i liked a lot. “Love is a slice of time in an eternity so big as to never have existed.”

One way to read it is to say that love does not matter in eternity.

The other is to say that eternity does not matter in the face of love.

I’m pretty sure the point of taz is the latter interpretation.


…i forget what my original point was other then taz is good, john hunger is sad but wrong.

not sure if we actually covered any new ground here? anyway, bye. thanks for reading, if you got this far. go read my fic, lmao. if you wanna discourse this out hmu or reply or w/e. It might take me a couple of days to get to replying but i will.


anonymous asked:

(honest) opinions on harry's album? 💚

  • nut
  • not to insinuate theres like anything lyrically rihvolutionary abt a dude jacking off but ive been thinking abt harry waking up groggy jacking off for years so again: nut
  • its cool to me that he wants to show off his influences and pay tribute to whats shaped him like mostly individually i didnt think anything sounded the same it wasnt really a straight 50/50 of bops or vibes i could tell he definitely wanted everything to sound like its own thing like a piece of him 
  • the story is so cohesive i mean hes definitely christian bale talking to girl #3 but id still watch that movie just bc it sounds like the cinnamon tography would be good whic is to say the album feels so visual to me even if its like…not what we understand to be a ‘visual album’ its like picturesque and that really speaks to strong writing 
  • the story is just so tight like one listen all the way thru the album i feel like i just lived the highs and lows of a chaotic and confusing romance but it left me in a haunting intermission and i dont know when the mad rush to the airport scene cue credits is going to happen yet and i love that its not like linear storytelling it feels like there were so many cuts and flashbacks that just led you to the same empty hotel room its so like gorgeously circular i think
  • solid debut it feels familiar enough bc we like know hes weird we know hes a rockstar we could sort of predict most of these sounds it feels like finally indulging in this body of work that you were imagining for a long time but he still made it just surprising enough and introduced new parts of himself so it was new too and felt like beginning and not just like closure after a long journey for old fans 
  • i think harrys going to stay true to what makes him harry styles and i think its gonna work out really well for him 
  • hes like……so fun 
  • and he doesnt feel like an imitation or an 80s throwback thats just the fad rn like this isnt just a 10 track nostalgia piece it just feels like a combination of his influences and still feels present and unique and fun and like he could take it somewhere that sets him apart 
  • i dont think this album is meant to be a masterpiece and i dont think it is either i didnt love every track equally i didnt even outright love every track but for what it is like for a self titled debut album its peak
  • nut
  • i loved 1d but the creative exploration and the like experimental stuff he did on this is really apparent and i wish he took even more risks but the ones he did take were like so fun its a good color on him in my onion

hello yes i just finished lord of the flies (and then watched the 1963 movie immediately afterwards) & i rlly luv piggy so im gonna yell abt Just Piggy Things™ even if no one cares

  • piggy’s the first character we’re introduced to, after ralph ofc, so that means we’re supposed to get attached, and boy did i get attached..
  • ass-mar
  • the fact that he’s been called mean nicknames so long that his real name doesnt matter to him?? he doesnt care what hes called?? poor thing wtf??? hes like eleven hes too little for this
  • the Flashing Anime Glasses. especially the one w the fire when he starts laughing maniacally. same.
  • im talking about: “then he laughed so strangely that they were hushed, looking at the flash of his spectacles in astonishment.”
  • also: “’i got the conch,’ said piggy, in a hurt voice. ‘i got a right to speak.’” let him speak hes the only damn reasonable one. also stop hurting him hes been hurt enough goddamnit 
  • k but how much he loves ralph? and ralph is annoyed by him??? but then later he confides in him & cries over him & their friendship is my fav in the book so. they bond it just takes a while. but piggy was always good to ralph awe
  • “i was with him when he found the conch. i was with him before anyone else was.” he finally made a friend dont u take him from him ;-;
  • k speaking of the conch, in the first movie, his laugh when ralph’s blowing the horn for the first time??? aw??? a rare moment of joy in that sad ass movie?? 
  • ‘63!film piggy is the sweetest & cutest i lob him. ‘90!film piggy was annoying as shit tho i refuse to talk about him.
  • in the ‘63!film when he puts his hands on his hips when jack says “shut up fatty” and then hides behind the tree when they all laugh at him.
  • god in the book it’s easy to forget theyre actual babies but with the movie u cant possibly forget and theyre so cute but defenseless it’s so sad
  • i kno these actors r like 70 or dead now but i wanna go back in time & give them a hug. especially piggy cuz hes a pouty chubby bub gOD IM SO SAD
  • one last note on the film before i get back to the book: the movie rlly encompassed how awkward i imagined piggy to be & i luv that. also his story time abt camberly was adorable + educational (for me, anyway)
  • how hurt he is when ralph tells the other boys his name, poor thing ugh :(
  • “’let him have the conch!’ shouted piggy. ‘let him have it!’” yes stand up for poor lil mulberry child
  • “piggy knelt by him, one hand on the great shell, listening and interpreting to the assembly.” hes so fuckin sweet??? hes like the mom of the island hes so nice to the littluns i luv him
  • and when he gets upset over the mulberry boy probably bein killed in the fire :’( hes the most sensible and the most empathetic of all the other boys. what a cinnamon roll. unproblematic fav. true neutral. 10/10. the best boy.
  • my second favorite line in the whole book: “then, with the martyred expression of a parent who has to keep up with the senseless ebullience of the children, he picked up the conch, turned toward the forest, and began to pick his way over the tumbled scar.” tired mama piggy lmao
  • he wants to make a sundial?? hes so smart aw
  • piggy thinking ralph’s patronizing smile was a friendly one :( :( he just wants a friendddd hes so naive & sweet im sadddd
  • i think it’s implied most of the other boys (particularly the choir boys & ralph) are from a nicer, more upper class part of england, &, despite his intelligence, piggy’s more lower class, judging by his cockney-esque accent (his use of ‘them’ instead of ‘those’, etc.) and also “piggy was an outsider, not only by accent, which did not matter…” idk why this is cute i dunno
  • “piggy arrived, out of breath and whimpering like a littlun.” me in pe. but also poor thing ;-;
  • “piggy sniveled and simon shushed him as though he had spoken too loudly in church.” i interpreted shushed as, like, consoled, more than, like, ‘quit crying, ya baby’, which was more what he was doing, but still…first of many cute piggy & simon interactions. i’d ship them but theyre like twelve so nah. but they cute as buddies
  • “this was too bitter for piggy, who forgot his timidity in the agony of his loss. he began to cry out, shrilly: ‘you and your blood, jack merridew! you and your hunting! we might have gone home-’” this hurts because if jack hadn’t gone hunting, they may have been rescued before simon or piggy died :( :( :( horrible vague foreshadowing
  • simon getting piggy’s glasses for him when jack throws em ;-;
  • simon giving his piece of meat (not a euphemism, goddamnit) to piggy.. god simons so sweet hes my second fav
  • “only, decided ralph as he faced the chief’s seat, i can’t think. not like
    piggy…he could go step by step inside that fat head of his, only piggy was no chief. but piggy, for all his ludicrous body, had brains.”
    why does ralph resent piggy sm. it’s like it psychically hurts him to compliment him, even just in his own head. jeez. just cuz someones fat doesnt mean they cant be smart?? the 50s were weird
  • “piggy came and stood outside the triangle. this indicated that he wished to listen, but would not speak; and piggy intended it as a gesture of disapproval.” aka ‘i’m mad at everyone so im gonna stand two feet away & glare at you all’ aw haha
  • when he tiptoes onto the triangle cuz hes done w his protesting ahaha aw
  • “piggy held out his hands for the conch but ralph shook his head.” idk i thought the mental image was cute. “gimme pls” “nuh uh”
  • what he says about the beast & life being scientific…me & piggy would be buds if he was real lmao
  • “ralph nodded to piggy. ‘go on. ask him.’ piggy knelt, holding the conch. ‘now then. what’s your name?’ the small boy twisted away into his tent. piggy turned helplessly to ralph..” honestly piggy & ralph are the mom & dad of the colony (jack being the asshole uncle) it’s so cute
  • “’that’s a clever beast,’ said piggy, jeering, ‘if it can hide on this island.’” sarcastic piggy is sarcastic
  • more sarcastic piggy earlier in the book: “you got your small fire all right” i lob him
  • indignant & shrill piggy… and his quote: “’what are we? humans? or animals? or savages?’” honestly lowkey want that tattooed
  • i fuckin hate jalph but admittedly jack’s jealous lil “’that’s right–favor piggy as you always do.’” is salty & gay lmao
  • the whole three blind mice convo…i luv
  • particular highlight in that scene: “’i’m scared of him,’ said piggy, ‘and that’s why i know him. if you’re scared of someone you hate him but you can’t stop thinking about him. you kid yourself he’s all right really, an’ then when you see him again; it’s like asthma an’ you can’t breathe. i tell you what. he hates you too, ralph—’” POOR BABYYY 
  • also “’i know about people. i know about me. and him. he can’t hurt you: but if you stand out of the way he’d hurt the next thing. and that’s me.” IN THE END ROGER’S THE ONE WHO HURTS HIM UGH :(
  • “’keep piggy out of danger.’” YOU ASSHOLES LET HIM DIE
  • piggy holding his breath until his asthma acts up & then the boys just leave him??? what dicks
  • “jack cleared his throat and spoke in a queer, tight voice. ‘we mustn’t
    let anything happen to piggy, must we?’”
  • “piggy put on his one glass and looked at ralph. ‘now you done it. you been rude about his hunters.’ ‘oh shut up!’” why dont more ppl ship them?? compared to jalph theres nothing??? theyre like a married couple it’s precious. like i said - mom & dad of the island.
  • piggy getting braver & being more of a leader once jack leaves!!! im proud of him!!
  • he [simon] sought for help and sympathy and chose piggy” k the two most humane & sympathetic kids on the island, and the two doomed ones, gravitate towards each other & look out for each other & it so sadd
  • piggy being “so full of pride in his contribution to the good of society” he didnt deserve his fate he was so good im so sad
  • samneric & piggy making a little mini feast for them?? thats so cute??? 
  • also “piggy broke into noisy laughter and took more fruit. ‘he might be.’ he gulped his mouthful. ‘he’s cracked’.” piggy u get teased for bein different why would u tease simon (behind his back too) for bein diffrent u hypocrite. noisy laughter tho aw
  • piggy & ralph laying by the fire & talking…ralph didnt deserve piggy honestly he wasnt even grateful until the very end for such a good friend in such a horrible situation??? ugh
  • when he understood how far ralph had gone toward accepting him he flushed pinkly with pride” see? good friendship. piggy just wanted a friend & to be considered valuable. and ralph finally started appreciating him
  • piggy took off his glasses, stepped primly into the water, and then put them on again.” prim: stiffly formal and respectable; feeling or showing disapproval of anything regarded as improper. idk why this is funny to me
  • when he gets annoyed and starts slapping the water & yelling. temper tatrum lmao. dont blame him
  • piggy stirred the sand under water and did not look at ralph. ‘p’raps we ought to go too.’ ralph looked at him quickly and piggy blushed. ‘i mean–to make sure nothing happens.’ ralph squirted water again.” they’re so fuckINGN CUTE
  • piggy touched ralph’s wrist. ‘come away. there’s going to be trouble. and we’ve had our meat.’“ SO MUCH OF THIS STORY WOULDVE BEEN AVOIDED IF THE OTHER BOYS ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PIGGY
  • ralph sat down in the grass facing the chief’s seat and the conch. piggy knelt at his left, and for a long minute there was silence.” i luv their dynamic sm. ruler & adviser. no questions asked. ultimate loyalty. so good.
  • piggy trying to be all rational about simon while ralph freaks out…what a scene. also i luv how awkward their convo w samneric immediately after is
  • piggy wants to be rescued most and hes the one whos killed!!!! bullshit!!!! justice for piggy!!!
  • when ralph says piggy should write a letter to his auntie & he takes it serious & ralph laughs & piggy doesnt get it. awe.
  • the scene where they take his glasses ;-; u made my boi piggy hav an ass-mar attack u monsters,
  • he held out the conch to piggy who flushed, this time with pride” and then “piggy sought in his mind for words to convey his passionate willingness to carry the conch against all odds.” the conch is the only constant on the island, the only dependable thing he has besides ralph, so hes so invested in it, hes pretty much deemed himself the caretaker of the conch, and it dies with him…
  • the scene where piggy reassures ralph & it says “the twins were examining ralph curiously, as though they were seeing him for the first time” is probably my fav scene in the entire book…it just really shows, in a couple of lines, the characters that ralph & piggy are, and what their relationship is like, and why they’re a partnership throughout the whole book. fantastic.
  • “’am i safe?’ quavered piggy. ‘i feel awful–’” fuckin foreshadowing, i hate it. imagine being practically blind on a cliff and then, minutes later, falling to your death. god it’s terrible.
  • piggy crying for ralph not to leave him actually hurts like psychically in my chest. him and simon were babies??? i know it’s fiction but kids are the sweetest things, not even fictional kids deserve to be killed so mercilessly??? im so fuckin sad
  • his last words…powerful and iconic.
  • i dont wanna talk about his death. im very sad
  • k ik it’s terrible but when he died his skull cracked open & his brain more or less fell out (”and stuff came out”, “with his empty head”), and thats p macabre but it’s also symbolic and genius bc when roger killed him he also took away the only thing he had going for him, the only thing that gave him superiority over the others - his intelligence. his brain. 
  • of course, have to end on: “ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called piggy.” cue me shutting the book, hugging it to my chest, and sobbing
A Little Thing Called Love

Summary:Request for cas x reader where the reader is Cas’ soul mate and you can see his wings??
Characters: Cas X Reader
Warning: just swearing, and fluff.
Words: 2,771

Your name: submit What is this?

Cas’ POV:

It was the summer of 1965. The weather was perfect. Warm with a little breeze that hit my face every once in awhile. It was days like this that I loved being on Earth, and watching the humans go through their daily routines. Or just walking around small towns .There’s more life in those towns that is hard to find anywhere else. From the kids who run and play until the day ends and The teenagers who take over the night, watching every movie every made on the big screen. Then at the end of the night when the Screens are off, the heartbroken are finally rested and, the curious mind enters the realm of endless wonders, The silence takes over. Then the stars dance in the sky. I Spend most my time sitting in my car on the side of some country road watching them light up the sky. They are so much more beautiful from earth and I could just sit there and watch them forever, Literally.

* * *

I made my back into town once the sun started to rise. Oliver’s Dinner was my normal stop in the morning. It was never that busy, mostly just the elders getting their coffee and reading newspapers.

“Hi, my name is (Y/N), and I’ll be taking your order today, what would you like?” I looked up from the zone of emptiness I was staring at to see a young woman with a pen and paper ready to take my order. “umm , I think I will just have some coffee.” I said. “Coming right up” she turned and walked toward the kitchen and came back out a few minutes later with the coffee I had ordered. “Here you go” she was a very beautiful woman, and her voice was so soft and at the same time determine and it wasn’t only the way she talked, It was everything about her from her walk, to the look in her eyes. From the very second I saw her there wasn’t a detail about her that I couldn’t remember. She began to leave as she sat down my coffee.

“Wait.” I grabbed her wrist lightly. She slowly came to a stop as if she was allowing me to guide her.I felt her stare fall into me, comforting and warm.There was more to her than the beauty on the surface. “I’m sorry, but what did you say your name was again?”

She smiled, and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my time on Earth was the simple smile on this girl. “My name is (Y/N), what’s yours?”

“Castiel, but you can call me Cas.”

“that’s a unique name” (Y/N) said “I like it.”

“(Y/N)! Table three has been waiting for 20 minutes!” A man from the kitchen yelled out. (Y/N) turn her attention to man in the kitchen. “Thank you! Oli for your helpful information! I will get to them when I am done with everyone else!” I’m not very good at sensing the use of sarcasm, but it was almost radiating off of her words  the second he yelled. She sighed and faced me as the man named Oli continued to protest. “Sorry about that. He’s my boss, and he’s kind of an ass too, but hey My shift ends in about 15 minutes.We can.. I don’t know, do something then.” she said

“I will have you fired if you refuse to do your job!”  Oli yelled once again.

“Yeah that would be great.” I said confirming our ‘date’. “Good see you then.” She turned and walked off. “Ok! I’m going!” She shouted at Oli once again.

Readers POV:

“You can fuck off old man” I said making my to the kitchen to get table three’s order. I grabbed the silver plate with the order and carried it to the table. “Pancakes with strawberries and syrup on the side and black coffee” I said laying the plate on the table “thank you.” Thank you Henry said. He was an older man who came into the dinner almost every day.He lost his wife about thirty years back and said this was the place they had their first date. I know this because he’s told me a thousand times and, talks to the empty seat as if she’s still there. It’s bittersweet.

I took the silver tray back to the kitchen I couldn’t wait to until break Cas was so handsome, sweet, and so much more. My heart just started bounding like crazy even standing next to him, but I couldn’t get my hopes up this soon. Especially with my luck in romantic relationships. I turned and looked over at his table. He was gone already. I grabbed a cloth to wipe down the table and saw that his mug was only half full. Yeah, that’s what I thought the coffee here isn’t that good, buddy. I picked up the mug and the dinner was completely silent. Only Henry sitting at his table and the last two customers walked out the door. It was almost like Cas was right next to me with a little laugh at what I had just said. Startled I dropped the mug onto the floor and looked over my shoulder to see nobody was there. Oh Shit. I immediately got down on the floor to clean up the broken mug and spilled coffee before my boss came out.

I scrubbed the tiles of the floor after picking up the glass. Almost done and only 5 minutes to go. I was wiping away the last spot when I saw something small and black on the corner of my eye. “Please don’t be a bug. Please don’t be a bug. Please don’t be a bug. pleeeaaase.”  I slowly turned my head to see what it was laying under the table. It’s not moving.. Dead bug? I got closer. My body almost completely under the table. It wasn’t a bug. It was, a feather? It was pitch black without a single hit of dust on it. I twirled it between my fingers and watched how perfectly the light reflected off of it.

“Whats going on!” Oli called out, looking for yet another reason to fire me.

“Oh.. um nothing just, cleaning the last tables!” I said quickly putting the feather in my pocket. “Just uh give me a second!” I go out from under the table and managed  to hide all evidence of the broken cup from Oli. Times up, looks like im done for today. “My shift is over see you tomorrow Oli!” I said making my way to the door. “Yeah because that’s always a pleasure!” Oli said. Whatever. He always needed to have the last word. The little bell rang as I walked out and alas! Freedom!

I saw Cas Leaning against a red mustang. “Is this ride yours?” I said. I was kinda impressed too. “Yeah it is.” he replied. “And how do I know you didn’t steal it?” I giggled making a joke. Cas didn’t seem like that kind of guy. The kind I normally fell for. He smiled and that same little laugh from the dinner. I could never forget the sound. Everything was just weird. A big smile and a soft breathe out. “No, I didn’t steal it.” He opened up the passenger door gesturing for me to get in. I sat down on the warm leather seat as he shut the door, hopped in and turned the key.

* * *

“Ya know, you’re  not like the other guys around here.” I said looking out onto the country road It was beautiful. Even more so with the sun shining down on it. “What do you mean?” Cas asked. With a cross between serious concern and confusion. “Nothing bad, just your nice and don’t steal cars is what I mean.”  he smiled and kept his eyes on the road “you’re not like a lot of the other women here either. You have this.. Toughness about you, I mean you deal with that Oli guy every day without giving in or snapping for starters.” I blushed at his compliment. “Thanks, its going to be getting dark soon.”

“Dont worry Theres one more thing.” Cas said. As he continued down the road.

Cas drove out to a wide open field where the sun had just began to set. He set a blanket on the ground for us to lay on and watch the sun go down. “So where are you from?” I asked. He looked at me confused once again. “Well, You’re definitely not from around here. I mean You are one of the few who have manners, and you don’t even have a southern accent.” he laughed at my first statement. The guy must think i’m a comedian or something. “You don’t have one either.”I took a breathe out. “Ok fine. You got me. No, I’m not from around here but my mom is she lives with my step father. I spend most of my time traveling with my dad. He’s a part time salesman with a lot of hobbies like photography and he has a thing for art and science. Sadly they don’t pay off well. He couldn’t afford to take care of me and lost custody over me, so I moved here with my mom and I’ve been here ever since.” Cas stayed in shocking silence “I’m sorry your father was taken from you like that.” I didnt want him to feel sorry because to me, Ive had time to move on and accept my changes. It was apart of my past.

“No, it’s fine. I miss him sometimes but I’ll have to leave both him and my mom someday. It’s ok, so why don’t you tell me a little about you?” Cas leaned back and looked at the stars that were staring come out. He let out a sigh “Well, I had a lot of brothers and sisters growing up, and my dad was a lot like yours, always focused on so many different things. I didnt normally spend a lot of time with him, and then one day he just left. So eventually I did the same.”  we went on from there and talked for hours about ourselves past, present and future.

“I don’t know.. Maybe one day I’ll be the first female president.” I looked over at Cas to see him smiling with his little laugh that I loved. “Stop laughing” I said and hit him on the shoulder playfully. “Your laughing too!” he said “I wasn’t laughing at you. I think you would do great at running a country. You’re just a very ambitious person, and I like that.. Alot”

The darkness completely took over the night, and there were more stars out than ever. I looked up at the sky. It felt like being a kid all over again. Looking at something so big and far away just to remind you how small you are.

“They really are beautiful” I heard Cas’ voice in an echo slowly falling into my thoughts “yeah” I said as I breathed out. “But, I think you outshine their beauty.” His words repeated through my mind a million times over until I finally understood what had just happened and, my heart began to race. He was sitting closer to me, and slowly putting his over mine to hold. With every move he made my heart pounded even harder than before. Making my cheeks burned an obvious red. I turned my head and faced him. Neither of us said a word. We didn’t need words to communicate. We both knew our feelings were there. I see it in every smile, and feel it a thousand miles away.  I just looked into his eyes and for the first time I was swallowed by the ocean of blue in them. I felt the overwhelming fear, and love hitting me like a wave. I leaned in and when we kissed, it put aside all the fear. The thought that maybe he might not love me?..was gone, leaving only the love I had for him. His hands were in my hair holding me closer. I felt this warm wave surround me. For the first time, I didn’t worry about when our fall out would strike, because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. This was Different. I didn’t have to lie or make myself believe I loved him. Because for once I truly did.

“I love you, (Y/N). More than you can even begin to understand.” Cas said. I froze for a moment maybe it was the reality of taking it all in, or maybe it wasn’t even real and, I was just going to wake up in my bed. I saw a large span of darkness move from behind Cas and wrap around the both of us. The moonlight shined down on it revealing it. I thought I was just seeing shit. So I closed my eyes, took a breath and opened them again. The wings were still there. Forgetting that Cas was watching me the whole time. He looked at me as If he already knew what was on my mind.

“You can see them, can’t you?” Cas said.

“Yeah, but-” He cut me off before I went on my rant of confusion. I just had so many questions and I couldn’t quite understand the situation. I was mind blown and and slightly afraid. It was all making my head hurt.

“I’m an Angel” He said.

If this was just another guy walking down the street on a normal day saying it as bluntly as Cas did. It would obviously be a little strange. This was strange too, but I mean the guy has wings to prove it.

“It’s not normal for humans to be able to see an Angel’s wings..” He began. I thought my head was going to explode. “Ok, just stop for a second.. I just need a minute, this is just-”

“Crazy?” He said finishing my sentence. “Yeah, It is a little crazy. This isn’t something that happens that often.”

“Then why is it happening now?” I said. Cas looked at me with softened features but I could see that he was also a little scared too. “Its because we’re soulmates.” He paused waiting for a reaction. This night has just been full of surprises. “I could tell from when we met in the dinner, but I couldn’t be sure. It’s your choice now, and always has been. You don’t have to stay with me, but if that’s what you want I’ll respect your decision.”

A little part of me broke when he thought I was leaving. “I’m not going to leave. Ever. I’ve felt more happiness with you in the past few hours than I ever have in my whole life, and I could never let that go.” Cas smiled and Kissed me again. I could feel his wings against the side of my arm. How soft they were and smoothly the feathers ran as it against my skin. The space between us grew smaller. I pulled away from the kiss slowly and reached out my hand to touch his wing. He moved his wing in closer to my hand.

“You know they really are beautiful.” I said as I ran my fingers through the feathers.

“I’m glad you think so. They aren’t that big compared to others.” He said.

“Their yours and, that’s what makes them beautiful.”

 * * *

Later that night I felt asleep on the blanket cuddled up against him with my head on his chest. I woke up and the sky was still dark and Cas was still awake with his hands combing through my hair. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “What time is it?” I asked yawning. “About 4” Cas said. “I’m sorry but I have to go home. Ugh! I have to work in a few hours.. If i’m not fired already. I’m sorry I wish I didn’t have to but-” I was more sad than frustrated because I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to leave. I just wish that night had lasted longer.

“You don’t have to stay here. We could anywhere you want. We could be a million miles away in a second.”

“Really?..” I was seriously considering the idea. It was something I’ve always wanted.

“Anywhere.”  I smiled at him and He returned one.

“Then what are we waiting for?”

anonymous asked:

Youve mentioned being psychotic as a reason you like the paranormal, could you elaborate on that? If youre comfortable with it that is.

sure im ok with that. im a bit tired rn so i might not be able to write something entirely coherent but ill do my best. also this is going to be very long and probably a bit pretentious, but bear with me.

ok so i experience psychosis primarily thru delusions. without going into them too deeply, i have many delusional beliefs, some of which are harmful to me and make me paranoid, some of which are actually good for me and help me cope with things. and i have insight into most of my delusions, meaning that i know they are false. (the concept that “you cant be truly insane unless you think youre completely normal xD!!!” is bullshit) but that creates a very strange way of experiencing reality for me- i can simultaneously believe something and know its false.

like one delusion i have is that if i sleep in the same room as someone, they can read my mind. i know this isnt true- if it was, id see results, id see them reacting to what theyre hearing, there are a million ways to logically disprove that idea. and i know that i have a mental illness that makes me susceptible to delusions, and i completely understand that this idea is a delusion. but yet i still believe it.

because i live like this, i experience reality in a very different way. the fact that we only know what reality is through human perception and thought is Very clear to me, and thus ‘human reality’ and 'objective reality’ are concepts that are very much separate in my mind.

so as i personally define it, 'human reality’ is our reality. its what we can experience through our senses and what we can process with the human brain. its a combination of our thoughts, observations, culture, religion, science, and other beliefs. 'objective reality’ is what actually exists in the universe outside of human perception, without need of translation through mathematics and scientific methods. sure, through science and math we are able to 'see’ things the human senses cannot, but these are still only translations of the objective reality into the human reality. as this relates to delusions, objective reality is the fact that probably no one can read my mind. but human reality is what my brain is telling me. both feel very real, even though one contradicts the other. and, in a way, both ARE real.

so onto how this connects with the paranormal.. because i separate human reality and objective reality in my mind, human reality is entirely malleable. because HR is created by the human body and brain, beliefs effectively make things real in HR. there may not be any god in OR, but through belief, humans create gods in the HR. regardless of if something exists or not in the OR, if it is believed in, it exists and effects the HR. same with the paranormal.

now let me emphasize, im sure there are some things we call paranormal that do in fact exist in OR. its entirely possible that aliens are here and abducting people, its more likely than not that at least some of the creatures we call cryptids are flesh and blood animals like others we know.

but the reason im drawn to the paranormal in regards to my psychosis- even though it may not, or almost certainly DOES NOT exist in OR, paranormal exists in the HR. even if they are false, paranormal experiences spread through the HR by belief. on a more fantastical level, you could call them thoughtforms, entities created thru mass belief. but even on the most mundane level experiences are spread by belief in them.

so the paranormal is comforting. its equally real and unreal. im not saying that if you believe in the paranormal, its the same thing as a delusion, but it has many similarities. thats part of why i love it, people letting go of the assumption that they KNOW how things truly are, and embracing something that is both true and false. you see some really weird, silly shit, all sorts of hoaxes and blatant falsehoods. but its humans really embracing the unknown, letting go of some of the arrogance and just going along for the ride. and of course, theres a time and place where skepticism is vital, and i dont believe in everything i post. but so often, it’s nice to just let go of that and just enjoy how weird it is to be sapient meatsacks in a huge, incomprehensible universe.

so yea thats the really long, convoluted answer for you. there are holes in this concept, and im not gonna pretend this is an extremely well thought out philosophy or worldview, but its how i see things and how i relate to the paranormal.

cutiebotfly  asked:

BRO how do u draw hands??? ur rlly good at it and i gotta know like, what do u do

IM NO EXPERT BUT I WILL TRY MY BEST TO GIVE U SOME TIPS.. im bolding the key info so it reads a bit better if that helps

(1) smth ive noticed is the positions of the fingers?? like for example the middle finger and the ring finger have a tendency to stick together a lot, that was one of the first hand tricks i learned i think. even if it’s cartoony just havin them together makes it look a little sharper imo. of course this isnt an Absolute Rule… it’s jus an example. like it feels kind of weird to just draw 4 hotdogs stickin out.. wavin around… if u arrange them and figure out what fingers stick out in what situations itll look a bit neater? i think it’s best to model after your own hand when you cant figure it out, focus less on making the hand youre drawing to look exactly the same and focus more on trying to get the language down to start things off. learning anatomy is crucial but itll be much easier if you know the basics first, is what im saying!

(2) thumbs. ho my god. i love drawing thumbs. they are like my favorite part of a hand.. besides the pinky of course. theyre a bit different from the other fingers, because besides the fact theyre obviously a lot fuckin stubbier, theyve got some neat bends and curves to em. of course when i draw them i like to Exaggerate it because. well because it’s fun. thumbs are really funky i like em a lot.. i dont know how else to Explain It here are some dia-o-grams. utilizing the position of thumbs is useful when conveying expressions and stuff

(3) The Bump. hes beautiful and i love him.. hes below the pinky, maybe part of it? i dont know. listen i got no idea how anatomy works. but adding that makes stuff look real fuckin nice let me tell you.. they really make you look like you know what youre doing

those are on the thumb side too so go wild

(4) i figured this last part is necessary because well a big thing in art is breaking stuff down with simple shapes. i know it’s a bummer to hear because for the first few years of my Arteest Career nothing pissed me off quite like this…. people telling me how to draw. i always thought the SIMPLE SHAPES thing was baloney cause i didnt think id need it, but these days as an avid lover of cartoons i cant get enough of them. theyve saved my ass so many times. Listwn ,

heres a really helpful reference ive used that delves deeper into the whole shapes thing with hands.. cant get enough of it

as a final tip that i briefly mentioned before, the method i use for drawing hands is recognizing the language and worrying less about exact anatomy. ofc anatomy is equally as important because if you didnt utilize it, then your drawings would look like some weird bunch of potato salad, but in my case it’s something im still learning gradually. learning how to convey movements and expressions in hands is a good way to learn the gist of things and learn it as u go along.. it’s fun and in my experience it’s a lot easier on the mind body & soul. when it comes to a simplified art style if it reads then it works! theres no need to stress. for example if you understand the language of a hand you can apply it to other things too that arent quite hands, but can read as them? like a.. i dont know.. claws on an insect. it’s personally useful to me when im drawin k’nuckles and the disaster that is his hands.. theyre like wooden claws… oh jesus.. no joints or NOTHING

just to clarify im not a professional artist obviously!! ive just got the general idea of how things work. i dont know it down to each bone and each joint, each gah damn ball in socket…… this is just outta personal experience. also these are all tips, so frankly you dont have to follow any of them if you dont wanna. draw however you want and do what works best for you! i hope this helped even a little

lintmaster1989  asked:

Hmm, I am not sure if I asked you stuff before. Anyway, I have come attacking your inbox. Why do you like Ren?

That is a loaded question. lmao, But i shall answer! some people know, some people may not, but when i entered the dmmd fandom, i knew nothing about it. actually i wasnt really into the fandom untill i had pretty much completed the game. so when i played the game, i was in total shock over litterally everyything that happend. First of all im pretty sure you can estimate how tripped up i was at this tiny little dog having this deep ass voice. and his tone of voice was something that really attracted me, and i was pretty smitten with this little dog named Ren. When i first saw his Rhyme sprite, i was like “woah thats really cool” and i was just intruiged with him.. he really stood out to me even though i knew very little about what or who he was. my first route was actually Noiz, and at the time i was lowkey swooning over him, but i was a little dissapointd on how litle he actually had part in the route, he might as well have been Aobas shoes. theyre there all the time, and kinda important, but arent given attention? idk my brains a little scattered rn whoops. 

anywho, after all the routes from what i remember (i actually just started replaying so if my details are a little off, i litterally just started haha) i thought Ren was really important, but wasnt given a big role because well he just wasnt a love intrest, so it was just common sence that Ren wouldnt have much to show. imagine me finnishing up Minks route, and then notice Ren wasnt there next to Aoba. my first thought was “No way! he gets a route??!!” so bOOM there i go. i was really happy to see more of this tiny deep voice dog, and he just warmed my heart and i just had this liking for him. my heart had a dull ache when Ren first refused Aoba’s forehead touch, idk how to explain it, i thought the same thing Aoba did “is Ren rejecting me?” and that just didnt sit well with me, Ren is someone i reallly liked, even if he wasnt really real (at the time) and to see him push away like that kinda hurt. i knew something was up, and something was eating at him, but i just couldnt tell what. 

When Ren ran away from Aoba because Aoba was looking at the new allmates, it struck me as a little childish, but deep down i felt that i understood why he acted that way, the fear of being replaced, jelousy, i knew what it was, and at first i thought it was simply because Ren was with Aoba for so long, he had grown attatched to him. Never did i ever think that it was so deep. actuallyy, Rens entire route kept hittiing me with dull aches, and more and more i wanted to draw him close because something was bothering him, and i wanted him to not feel whatever he was feeling. i remember being nervous and anxious as hell when Ren had that bug, and him being so vauge and dodgy with everything he said, it just didnt seem like Ren.  and then ran away from Aoba once again. only to get into more trouble, and getting hurt. i was so fucking worried you dont understand omfg. then after some doodahs, and Aoba was saved from ViTri, and when Aoba searched for Ren, i was i guess you could say startled with the sudden change in Ren, he was agressive, and i think i even flinched when Ren bit Aoba. note, i read and understood everything, but i was confused as hell as to what it all ment, Ren was part of Aoba?? His consciousnesses in the dog?? wait huh?? i remember taking it super slow from that point on because i wanted to know what exactly was going on. I remember feeling the ache when Aoba Scrapped himself to get to Ren, and seeing Ren try to attack Aoba. it hurt. and the thing that i thought of was an animal who had been negleted so long, that id decided to retaliate, and that thought in itself was really painful to me. when i finally got down to it, and i saw Ren’s Real body i had to take a moment to collect myself because HOT DOG.  

I heard him out and i ached even further, realizing that all Ren wanted to do was protect Aoba, and that he realized that by his own presence, not only was he burdening him, but could be the one to cause him of his pain as well because he had developed more than just “protective feelings” for Aoba. and when he thought these things, he thought that dispite his own feelings and desires, he put Aoba on top of it all, and decided that he would be better off just not exsisting because he would just be a burden. “I was stuck between my emotions and my duty, I wasnt able to pick only one So i accepted the route where you would remove me from yourself. If you were to strongly reject me, i would dissapear ” man how fucking sad is that i just. omg. “so there wont be any drawbacks for you” ASDFLKJFSD Ren was so prepared to fucking kill himself for Aoba to live a peaceful life, i just. I dont understand how he could be so selfless, and then i just know hes fucking dying on the inside, i reacted so painfully, Ren didnt need to think that way, hes so precious, i cannot.

I WAS SO GLAD THEY DID THE DIDDLY DO TBH. and i just felt so good for things to actually line up and it was just so great omg “It cannot be helped. its because ive been a dog for so many years” omfg how much cuter can you possibly get, Ren plEASE. 

and then he fuckin DISSAPEARS. GONE. POOF, AU REVIOR, FUCK THAT. i was so broken when i thought Ren had seriously disapeared, it was like 3am and i was so distraught and hollow on the inside, all of that for him to still fucking leave?? i wasnt mad i guess, it was more hurt i suppose. and then at the end when its him in Sei’s body i was like YEESS YESS ITS A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT HES STILL REN FUCK YEAHH. but then thats where the route ended and i was like aUUGHH??

Then reconnect Ren. i just. he is so fucking precious to me, hes kind and polite, considerate, wants to bang Aoba in an alley, has fucking dog habbits omfg, and his little expressions are so cute and priceless i just do not understand how someone could not like this selfless creature, i have never in my life met anyone like him, and i just, he is too precious for this world. i think i kinda took this ask and took off with it. whoops. 

Thank you so much for asking and this was a lot longer than i intended?? i just. theres so much ren to talk about i tried really hard to keep this like a paragraph. i failed. oh well, thanks for stopping by!!

****EDIT ****’


sometimes its really hurt me bc it keeps bothering me about how precious jongin is. its kinda weird that i often see him as kim jongin the sensitive little boy than the sexy kai.

i just read a few articles from their recent fansignings event in spao, coex and in beijing today. and for god sake HOW CAN I STOP LOVING HIM AND HAVE MY NORMAL LIFE BACK IF HE’S BEING ALL ADORABLE AND PRECIOUS?????????????

“i will post my pink hair on the fanpage later” and he really did it he kept his promise to the fan and to us.

“you dont have to lose weight, just study hard”

“if theres a fate, lets get married”

“OP: jongin’s line is the longest bc he would stop signing when he talked to the fans”

“OP: when a fan said i love you, he just smiled shyly while looking away (bc he looks so shy)”

NOT ONLY FROM THE SIGNING, lets together remember when:

like for real, for god sake, i found him a very very very very kindhearted person here, like his heart is actually made of gold. he’s so concerned about other people. jongin will never look down on other people, jongin will never underestimate other people, jongin will defend for anything thats not right, jongin is the type of person who appreciates every little detailed thing in this world.

and it really warms my heart. his parents really did a great job raising him, making him a person he is today.

another one that also bothering me when the fan said i love you to him, he just smiled shyly or when the others said he’s the sexiest member he also just laughed shyly but didnt answer. and it hits me right in the chest and i realized that he never praised himself.

fan: you’re handsome, i love u

jongin: i know right?


fan: you’re the sexiest!

jongin: i think so too

no, never. i dont think those words ever came out from his mouth? all i remember from most of the videos i watched on youtube, he gets shy every single time someone praises him.

for example at the radio interview when the vj asked “why do u think u have the most nuuna fans?” he just laughed and didnt know what to answer, but then chanyeol answered for him, “bc he’s sexy?” and then again he just laughed shyly but he never claimed himself if he is.

another one, he also never says everytime he introduces himself that he’s the best dancer. eventho he is, but he always says “im exo’s dancing machine kai.” and i think because his position is dancing machine. but he never said “im the best dancer”, instead he often says “I’m kai and i always work hard in dancing” :’‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘) what a precious little baby bear nini i love you so much, but lets go back again, yes im asking how many people like him on this earth are left?
he never says “im the most handsome” or “i’m the visual” even when he jokes around. because he’s just not the kind of guy who praises himself. and i think its a very sweet of him.

you know, it hurts how much i want to know him for real as a person, not as an idol. jongin who pouts when he talks, jongin the chicken mania, jongin who always sleepy, jongin who spends his free time to meet his friends and family and play in amusement parks, jongin who wears flip flop, jongin who cares a lot about his members, jongin who always works hard in dancing and singing and the list never ends.

i dont love him only bc he’s so goodlooking, so handsome or so sexy or bc the way he dances and his body moves. not only that. but with all his personalities i saw him on the shows, on the fancams, on candid pics, on articles. i know its so weird he doesnt even know me im exist, and it doesnt bother me actually, but one thing i really hope to happen is i can meet him someday and tell him how precious he is. i’ve even been learning korean language so if i get the chance to talk to him, i’m gonna talk to him well in his language or even handed him a letter i write.

oh shit, this love is mad. its not about fangirling anymore, isnt it?