I felt my heart race, my hands were sweaty, and I felt every inch of my being want to fade away to nothing. It was Valentine’s Day, well, was Valentine’s Day, and I had managed to get everyone on my team a gift. Each pertained to their tastes but there was one that I actually made myself for one particular person. I made a promise to give it to him with a confession at the end.
My eyes glanced over at him again, seeing the book sticking out from under his files. He would look at it eventually and I was silently praying that it was when I wasn’t around. I was actually really terrified of his reaction and I feared that he would transfer me or fire me from my position. That’s right. He was the head of my BAU team. He was my boss.
Just his name alone sent shivers down my spine and made me weak at the knees. I don’t know when it started, but at some point along my career, I began to fall for my boss. And it wasn’t a bad thing. Oh no. It couldn’t be. Hotch (as we lovingly called him) was a sweet boss. Of course, that was when you got past the tough shell he always kept up. But his top priority was to his team. Well, third from the top. His son and catching the bad guy was before us…
I heard a snicker, which made me look up from my report. We had just finished a case, catching the serial killer in the nick of time before he struck again. He was a sick little bastard, praying on young children, but we managed to save the few he had taken. That, of course, was his biggest mistake and now the children were safe with their parents.
“What’s so funny Morgan?” I kept my tone even, watching as he put on a smile.
“Nothing baby girl. Just thought of something,” he lied. I knew he lied because he was laughing at my expense. Derek Morgan, our handsome womanizer (as I called him) and Penelope Garcia, our tech wizard, were the only two who knew of my predicament. How? Because they were the ones who dared me to do this. They had somehow managed to deduce who I liked, even when I managed to hide it from the others. And what made matters worse was in that same moment, I had lost a bet with the two. Therefore, my predicament was caused by them.
Morgan chuckled again, making me look at him before noticing some movement from the corner of my eye. I quickly looked in the direction of it before freezing, my report forgotten in that moment. Hotch finished his report, the files forgotten next to him. Now, he was going through his gift and I found my face darkening with a blush. The gift was a sketch book, one that I spent much of my time filling up with my own drawings. Some were doodles, others full sketches. And then there were a few that were completed.
I watched as a smile appeared on his face, his eyes glued on one particular drawing. I knew which one it was, having memorized the entire thing. It was of him and his son, that day when I had first met little Jack. Hotch had picked him up and held him so that his son was my height. Jack absolutely loved my pictures too and we hit it off pretty well. In fact, I babysit on occasion when Jessica needed a break.
The page turn and my heart clenched, realizing he was getting closer to the final page. I looked toward Morgan, seeing him watching me with amusement. “What do you have there?” Rossi, another member, spoke up then. He moved from his position, sitting beside Hotch and leaning over to look. Oh no. Oh no, this wasn’t good. Now Rossi would see what I made for Hotch only. Reid was even showing signs of curiosity, followed by J.J., and then Prentiss. They would all know here in a few seconds. And it was torture. Even as we landed, I felt my insides twist tighter. He wasn’t at all bothered by the landing. Not once. And as soon as we stopped, he turned the final page and froze.
I knew he would freeze. I knew he would look at the drawing and immediately know what situation it was from. He had saved my life once, had managed to protect me from an unsub that managed to get the upper hand. And even after, when I suffered from nightmares and unrequited fear, he was there. He spent several nights in my apartment when Jack stayed at a friends and even shared my bed, holding me to make me feel safe. And that is what my drawing showed. It showed him holding me, keeping away the darkness that threatened to consume my soul. It showed my hand holding his as he was hunched over me from behind, shielding me from an unknown threat. He was also smiling, his lips touching the top of my head. And beside the picture was a poem that explained everything.
I didn’t stay. As soon as the plane opened its doors, I quickly collected my files and fled. But not before I dared a glance toward Hotch, seeing that his eyes quickly scanned the page before meeting mine. It was a brief moment, one that I would remember forever as I turned, rushing down the steps. I would get a cab to take me home. I didn’t want to face him. Not now and probably not ever.
Work was hell. Flat out hell as I tried to avoid Hotch with all my might. I spent much of my day with Garcia in her tech heaven, avoiding being out in the bullpen. If I was in the open, then Hotch could easily catch up to me. I had been told by Morgan that he was looking for me, but I didn’t dare chance a single shred of hope that it was for pleasant circumstances. Oh no, there was no way it was good. It had to have been a bad thing. He would probably reprimand me. Or worse. He could keep little Jack from me…
“You know, it probably isn’t that bad,” Garcia broke my thoughts, making me look up from the forgotten file in my hand. We were about to leave on another case but I opted to stay out of the conference room. I took a copy from J.J. before running off here, narrowly missing Hotch on my way. J.J. tried very hard to get me to talk as well, but I pretended to be deaf.
“Of course you would say that, Pen,” I murmured her nickname, watching her groan in frustration.
“Alright, I admit defeat. I’m sorry,” she put on a little smirk. “The Goddess admits to wrong doing.”
“The Goddess is fine, love. I just…wish the others didn’t know,” I sighed, closing the file. I could catch up on the reading later, knowing the plane ride to the location will be in a few. I always kept a bag in my car for such occasions, so I was prepared.
“What do you mean?”
“Reid has a habit of staring at me when I walk in. Which is a good thing because his eyes always dart toward Hotch when he enters the bullpen. Morgan won’t stop laughing at me. Prentiss tries to have a “talk” with me and J.J. wants to diagnose my feelings,” I grumbled, pinching the bridge of my nose. “And Rossi…don’t get me started on him.”
“Acting like an Italian papa?”
“You have no idea,” I tossed my files over to an empty part of her desk, standing up to stretch.
“Oh, I think I can picture it. He has always considered you his ‘little girl’ too, ya know.”
“Sometimes I wish he didn’t. It’s hard enough trying to catch an unsub out in the field or trying to make a sketch of what he could look like. I don’t need Rossi hovering over me like I’m four,” I leaned against the table, crossing my arms. Garcia giggled before standing from her system.
“Well, wait right here doll face. I need to go deliver these to tall, dark, and handsome.”
“No problem. I’ll keep an eye on your baby,” I chuckled, watching as she left the room. Once the door was closed did I drop the charade of being okay, allowing my hands to shake as the onset of anxiety took over. I couldn’t always keep up the mask and knew that I needed to allow my emotions to wash over me. My anxiety was mild compared to others I met, so it was never really an inhibitor. But I knew if I didn’t allow myself a moment to let it all out, even just a few seconds, then it could definitely get worse.
A knock on the door made me pause, staring at the wood. Odd for Garcia to do, I mused. She never knocked and those who knew her never knocked either. Another set made me move, willing my hands to stop. Must be someone who needed something, someone she didn’t know or normally work with…
I opened the door to her Haven, my eyes widening in surprise when I noticed that it was Garcia herself. She looked rather sad too as she met my gaze, her hands wringing in front of her.
“Penelope, what is it? What’s wrong?” I questioned.
“I tried, I really did but-“
“Garcia, give us a moment,” that voice made me freeze, watching as she moved out of the way. Aaron Hotchner appeared behind her, his voice making the tech guru nod before she went back out toward the others. My heart began to race as I studied his face, noticing the hard expression he was giving me. No emotions could be discerned, his body language perfectly masking anything he was feeling. I stood there, literally debating on slamming the door in his face but it would do no good. Most FBI doors didn’t lock.
“Hotch, I um….let…let me get my file and…and we…could,” I stopped, going back into the room to get my file. I picked it up slowly, taking several deep breaths to keep my anxiety at bay before turning and freezing. Hotch had followed me into the room, closing the door behind him. I dropped the file, hearing the papers scatter along the ground.
“H-Hotch, I…listen…I can explain….everything…just,” I bit my bottom lip, trying to collect my thoughts. I had to try and save my job, I couldn’t afford losing this. It was my life. I made a difference in the world, I had to make a difference. To make up for so much.
“Is it really how you feel?” he asked a simple question. I sighed, nodding my head only once before avoiding his gaze.
“Do you know how dangerous this could be?”
I flinched before nodding again. I knew I would get lectured. My emotions, if discovered by an unsub, could jeopardize a mission and blah blah blah….. Rossi practically gave me the same talk.
“Are you prepared for this? If I got hurt, then could you finish the case? Could you separate work and home? Can you focus on a case and not get distracted? I need to know if you’re emotionally compromised for this job, Y/N.”
“I am not compromised, Hotch. I’ve been doing all those things for months now,” I confessed, meeting his gaze. I didn’t care if he knew now, I just didn’t want to lose my job. “I’ve been focusing on my job, on my sketches. I refuse to get distracted because we need to catch those sick bastards before they hurt more people. I admit to getting scared every damn time you get near an unsub and I feel as if I can’t breathe until I know you’re safe, but I won’t let it stop me from finishing my job. So, yes, I am prepared.”
“Are you certain?” his face remained stoic, eyes scanning my own. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, going over his words in my mind. I was prepared with handling my own emotions. I could easily separate my home from work…wait, why was that important?
“Home and work? What does that have to do with my…feelings?” I closed my eyes. Lord that sounded so weird. Feelings? Really, how could I choose something so weak?
“Y/N,” his voice forced my eyes open, focusing on him. Only to feel the breath leave my body. His eyes, which were normally hard and unforgiving, were soft and molten. He held a small smile on his lips, his body fully relaxed before me. This was completely odd for him, to show so much emotion…
I squealed in surprise as his body collided with mine, pulling me unbearably close to his heat. I felt his fingers tangle into my hair, my clip making an audible snap as it fell from my head. I went to question his motives until I felt his lips touch mine, his tongue slipping inside my mouth. I couldn’t help the moan that escaped my throat as my back collided with one of Garcia’s computer desks. But I didn’t remain on my feet long as he lifted me up onto it, settling between my legs. His hands were upon my hips, slipping under my shirt as my hands landed on his chest, moving around to his back as his suit jacket surrounded me.
I heard a cough that made me freeze, Hotch doing the same before separating from each other. In the doorway was Morgan and Garcia, both holding large smiles. I felt my cheeks darken in embarrassment as I slipped from the desk, straightening Hotch’s jacket before smoothing out his shirt. He did the same for me before clearing his throat, going to address the two that were laughing at us. That is until I held out a tissue procured from my pocket. Hotch stared at me funny.
“You have gloss on your lips,” I whispered to him. He quickly took the tissue, wiping his mouth.
“So, is there something you wanna share with us, princess?” Morgan spoke up, leaning against Garcia. She was prepared with a camera, giving me a wink which told me she captured a picture or two. More if I knew her well enough.
“No, darling. I don’t kiss and tell. Now, I think I’ll give Garcia back her sanctuary and Morgan, shouldn’t you be going to jet with the others?”
“We were waiting on you, baby girl. So are you coming or should we give you another 5 minutes?”
“Very funny, Morgan. I’ll meet you both at the elevator. I need to get some things from my office,” Hotch excused himself, walking out of techland. I squatted down, collecting the papers from my file before stuffing them back into the folder. Upon standing, I shuffled my feet, biting my lower lip to show how uncomfortable I was.
“So, how did it go?”
“Penelope, come on. We need to go.”
“Fine,” she started, walking in to take a seat at her computer, “but I expect a report later. Girl’s only.”
“Deal,” I giggled, practically skipping from her office. Morgan chuckled, walking with me as we made our way to the elevator. The others were there, waiting on us as well. I saw each one take in my appearance, analyzing me to try and figure out why I was so happy. Morgan shook his head when Reid tried to question. I wouldn’t tell them anything, not until Hotch was ready of course.
“Ready to go?” I heard the question, noticing Hotch joining our group. Each of us nodded, heading onto the waiting elevator. I felt his hand touch the small of my back, following me to the back of the elevator. The others were in front of us, each starting a random conversation with the other.
“Sorry about that.”
My head turned toward Hotch, watching as he stepped slightly closer to me. It wasn’t noticeable but I knew what he was doing, even if the others were rather oblivious right now.
“Earlier. I shouldn’t have attacked you like that.”
“Well, you got your point across loud and clear,” I teased, feeling his fingers rubbing circles into my lower back. He smirked, the only emotion showing on his face. We all filed out of the elevator, immediately going toward the garage. I needed to stop by my car to get my overnight bag before we all headed off together. Hotch followed me to it, stopping me as I got my bag from the trunk.
“Y/N, I want you to keep this quiet for now. At least until this case is over and we have a moment to actually talk,” he went on, his fingers running along my cheek. “But just know that your feelings are reciprocated. And have been for a while now.”
“Really?” I felt my heart flutter in my chest as he leaned in, giving a quick peck to my lips.
“Yes really,” he confirmed, collecting my bag from me. “Now come on. The others are waiting.”
I nodded, following behind him. His face went back to his unemotional glare, prepared to hunt another unsub and my emotions were quickly bottled, prepared to take whatever horrors awaited me. But I did know that whenever the bastard was caught, I had something new to look forward too.
My name is Nana, I’m from Balkan and will be 18 years old in October~ It’s summer break therefore I finally had enough time to start my own studyblr and I am just so excited to be a part of this new community! I made this blog so I can focus on studying more in my final year of High School, but also to meet new people who are interested in the same academics I am.
I am also in my 4th and last year of highschool which makes me a highschool senior. I will be graduating next year and after that I plan on majoring International Politics in Nankai University, Tianjin, China.
Besides politics I am interested in languages, literature, history and sociology. My target languages are Mandarin Chinese, German, Bulgarian and Russian.
My main focus right now is Madarin Chinese because I’m taking HSK3 test in December. Also I will try to provide my followers with original context as much as I can!