there-are-no-feelings-left-in-me

i. I’m thinking about you and your heart. I’m thinking about how I need to buy new pointless items to make me feel alive because you left me with a dead heart. I think I’m due for a new heart. I’m thinking about all the things I’ve done to stay alive without you; the counting backwards, the drinking, the panic attacks, the smiling at anyone who gives me the time of day. I’m thinking, thinking, always thinking.

ii. I’m dreaming about how you should’ve stayed. How things should’ve played out, how you didn’t hold my hand last time I saw you. I’m dreaming about your apologies, your sweet words, our reconciliation. Parts of us that I don’t have faith in. I’m dreaming, always dreaming.

iii. I’m wondering if you miss me and my heart is angry. I’m wondering if you’ll even come back to me, you’re coming home in less than a month. I can count the days, but I can’t make you stay. I’m wondering who you see when you see me, wondering why I stay when, when you left I thought about taking my life away. I’m wondering, wondering.

—  thinking / dreaming / wondering
Top Ten Awesome Fanfics *

* yep, not “all-time favourite”, because I cannot choose in all objectivity only ten fics. This list is a list of ten fics* chosen in my five main fandoms that I love and feel like they should be read, but it could have been ten others … It’s very hard to choose. One day I’ll do a real masterpost fic rec …
* yes, I’ve cheated. There are waaaaay more than just ten fics here … Sorry not sorry.

The lovely @justkeeponthegrass had a brillant idea : to make a collection of our favourite fanfics to show writers just how much we appreciate, respect and admire their work. I personally owe a great deal to fanfic writers, especially in the Merlin fandom, for they helped me get through a very hard period of my life. Fanfic writers have been and are constant companions of my life, whether I’m sad, happy, tired or feeling excited, they always deliver, they are amazing people who do an amazing work just because they like it. I admire the hell out of any of you, and the following ten titles, plus the special and honorable mentions, are me trying to tell you how much you mean. Very, very long post incoming …

Originally posted by whyso-se-ri0us

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10:41pm and this happened today

I was with friends today and I went to get a drink. When I got back everyone was talking to like three of my friends and saying things like “I’m proud of you ” and stuff and im was just like what happened????? APPARENTLY ALL THREE JUST HOPPED RIGHT TF OUTTA THE CLOSET i can’t belive they left me behind

did you know, someone once told me i had my father’s smile
i told them thank you even though i wasn’t sure; that just wasn’t something i had seen in a while
i saw the back of your head more often than not
and even more than that, i saw your fist a hell of a lot
the physical pain was nothing compared to the way you left
mom tried to hide it but i heard those tears that she wept
she never saw mine, locked myself away in my room
and i cried and i cried and it’s all because of you
see, you were never a dad; you’re nothing more than a sperm donor
you never saw us as a family, just property and you were our owner
you never really loved us, because love doesn’t cause pain
had a temper that exploded worse than a bottle of champagne
and i tried and i tried to be the son you always wanted
years of not feeling good enough has left me feeling haunted
but now i’m older, wiser, and i know that i wasn’t to blame
and even if you apologized now, nothing would ever be the same
despite how much i hate you, i think i still love you regardless
i’d tell you happy father’s day if i thought this collect call was worth the charges
—  happy father’s day ii - anonymous
(cc, 2017)
When it’s all over – Jeff Atkins x Reader

Summary: This one shot was inspired by two aspects: I saw the 7x16 chapter of The vampire diaries and I took inspiration from the last scene, (I won’t say spoilers just in case) and then, I was sitting in my bed listening to music when this song appeared, I listened carefully, more than once and I said “this is perfect for what I have in mind” and here it is. I must admit I was crying when I finished writing this one shot. I put my heart and the pain I felt when I saw the scene of Jeff’s death in the serie. I hope you like it.

I heard this song while I was writing.

Words: 3408

Reader’s point of view.

Enjoy it!


Your name: submit What is this?

“No more supplies”

One of the boys approached our circle. Our laughter was cut but happiness didn’t go away. Undoubtedly, Jessica had been excellent with the organization of this party, what a good way to start the new course. I was having a great time, I couldn’t stop laughing with Zach, Montgomery and Jeff; Great idea of ​​the latter to insist that i attend, right now i would be at home in the armchair watching knowing what series on Netflix, but certainly boring.

“That’s my sign,” my boyfriend said after taking a sip of his soda. “I’m the only one sober of you, it’s my turn, idiots.” They all laughed and raised their glasses in Jeff’s direction.

“I’m coming with you”

“Are you sure? I won’t be long”

“I go with you” I insisted with a smile “This way I make sure the provisions arrive complete.” He let out a laugh.

“Y/N Y/N!”

The boys started chanting to me, and my boyfriend shook his head; But soon they changed the name and now called Clay, to join our gathering outside of Jessica’s house. I had a lot better when the social circle was small, but I liked Clay. He wasn’t like the others.

Jeff was the only one who approached him to talk, while the others made sure to tell me what kind of beer they wanted, they made me feel like a alcohol dealer considering that none of us were legal age to drink, but what’s more, I wasn’t going to against the wishes attributed by a party and the adolescent hormones swarming in the air. I said goodbye to the boys and walked to where my friend and his best friend were.

“You drive?” I heard Clay say.

“It’s coca cola, my friend. Two beers two hours ago, I’m good”

I rested my arm on Jeff’s shoulder and nodded in agreement.

“It‘s true. He’s the most sober guy you’ll ever meet in the whole party.” Clay smiled and shrugged. I looked at my boyfriend. “I’ll wait for you in the car. Come with us, Clay”

I walked to where I knew his car. Of the two, tonight was he to be the driver, not that I drank too much, but if it got to the point of getting dizzy. Usually we took the time to take the other home safely after a party, it was a fair deal. I was grateful that this incredible party wasn’t my turn to drive. I leaned against the passenger’s door and looked at my fingernails while I waited, even in the distance, the music was still listening as if my ear was taped to one of the speakers, I was still surprised that the neighbors didn’t call the police yet, If they were going to do it, I’d wait outside while Jeff and I were out, didn’t intend to spend the rest of the night in the police station for having brought beers. I imagined myself returning to it with arms full of bottles, then my body against the hood of the patrol; I felt crazy when I started laughing at that idea.

A few minutes later I saw my boyfriend walk towards me. I got out of the car to meet him with a smile, I ran my hands down his neck and gave him a short kiss on the lips. I was almost sure that he wouldn’t come alone but I was wrong.

“And Clay?”

“He went home.” He shrugged before giving me another kiss.

“He’s a weird guy.” I chuckled.

“Yes but also a good guy.” He let go and I did the same reluctantly. I loved to always be close to him, to feel his body under my hands and to know that I wasn’t dreaming of having someone as great as Jeff Atkins “We better go, there are beginning to notice the alcohol drought”

I laughed and nodded. I watched as my boyfriend opened the door and went to his. When I turned to get up, I felt a pressure in the chest that made me fall back; I took a hand to this and I stayed still. My heart began to accelerate, my hands felt sweaty. Jeff stopped in front of his door.

“Are you okay?” He questioned me.

I shook my head.

“I have a bad feeling” I looked at my boyfriend “Maybe we shouldn’t go” I whispered.

“Everything is fine, Y/N, I’m really sober”

I shook my head. Why do I begin to feel restless? Why a bad feeling right now?

“That’s not why” I murmured feeling the anxiety hugging me from the ankles to my hair, I could feel it moving through my veins.  “Jeff, please, stay"

He circled his car again to stand in front of me and take me by the shoulders gently, he smiled at me and, although that sometimes calmed me, this time wasn’t the case. Even though I was still very restless, little by little I would begin to lack oxygen. I thought that staying here was a better idea and that was another, we would find someone sober, we could stay and keep laughing with the boys.

“Stay calm, my love. We’ll be back in ten minutes.” His hands went up to my cheeks. I looked into his eyes. “Would you rather stay?”

Stay alone? I looked at his car and shuddered. The point was that the two of us would stay here, safe from a presentiment that couldn’t know what it was.

“Maybe the store is already closed, we’re just going to waste time, Jeff.”

“You’re getting very pale, you better stay, I won’t be long”

Jeff gave me a kiss on the forehead and released me, when he did, I felt another pang in the chest. No, I couldn’t let him go alone. Without saying anything and even with the restlessness, I got into the car and put on my belt with mechanical movements. When he did the same, he looked at me worriedly, his frightened gaze returned, now i was worse after not convincing him to stay.

“I’ll slow down if you prefer. We’ll be fine, okay?”

My throat was dry so I just nodded.

To buy the supplies, I left him alone while I stayed in the car trying to calm down. We had arrived well, there were almost no people in the street and much less other cars, nothing could happen to us in that case, right? We were both going to make it to the party. We wouldn’t leave until the next morning, being able to drive in daylight would be best, even if I had to do it myself and break our agreement.

While I waited I made sure to look in the rearview mirror, every few minutes a single car passed, we would find almost none on our return. I took a deep breath, the restlessness wouldn’t leave, I would do it when I stepped on Jessica’s house, with an arm full of bottles and my free hand fixed on Jeff’s. I’m not going to let go of him at any time.

“Are you calmer?” His voice startled me as I opened my door and left the beers at my feet. I helped him adjust the bottles.

“Yes” I lied. I knew he was worried. He already had the worry of managing as slow as he could to not disturb me, now adding my status, it wasn’t appropriate that just now he was aware of how I was and/or my reactions “I think they are wanting to start killing for the lack of alcohol” I said a joke to ease the tension, especially in myself. Jeff smiled and nodded.

On the way back, my eyes fixed on the dashboard clock, we had been out for at least eleven minutes, mostly because of the slow speed my boyfriend was driving. I rolled my eyes to his profile, concentrated a hundred percent in the street, I had always liked to see him drive, never told him that he looked three times as handsome when he did. I smiled and ran my hand down the back of his neck. He smiled too.

“Can you increase the speed a bit?” I asked, so we would get there faster and my anxiety would fade.

“Are you sure?” Jeff raised his eyebrows and looked at me for a few seconds.

“Yeah” I nodded.

The speedometer went up a little more than it seemed crazy. After a while, he and I were talking about the start of the course and the requests we had sent to the university that afternoon. We both had the perfect plan this fall to attend it; our requests were sent together, to the same sites. Our plans together went beyond four years and to be honest, I could no longer see myself with anyone but him. I had never spoken of my feelings aloud, Jeff was content with what I showed him, for to express it in words was always a difficulty for me; But the love i felt for him was too much to believe. I never thought that a person could come to love someone so much the way I did with him. I would literally feel breathless if I went my way without his company. His way of being, his smile, his smell, his voice, his metaphors using baseball words, even his clutches of feet and the way I felt protected when he hugged me. I even loved the friendship he had with others, but especially with Clay Jensen, they were so different but they complemented each other in an astonishing way, as did the opposing poles. No doubt i could shout to the four winds that i was totally happy with him.

“We’re coming,” he announced.

I nodded and smiled. The anxiety and bad feeling left me slowly, now I could feel breathing more easily. The first thing we would do when arriving at the party, would be to join a game of drinking, I needed it urgently.

Then it was only a few seconds.

I removed my eyes from him and stared at his window. Lights became big in seconds … straight to us.

“Watch out!”

I shouted, before it was a deafening noise, pain, squeaks of tires and then … silence and darkness.

I complained. My body ached, my arms burned and my head stung. I tried to open my mouth to scream, to ask for help, for someone to take away anything that caused me such pain. My nostrils filled with the smell of smoke, I wrinkled my nose causing discomfort all over my face. I wanted to move but there was a force that pressed against the seat. If I opened my eyes, which scene would I find? Everything outside of me seemed to be in an apparent calm, except for the frightful scent I perceived.

“Y/N!”

His voice. The faint sound of his voice alerted me. I opened my eyes quickly, in front of me was the broken windshield. I lowered my eyes to my arms, wanting to discover the ardor in them: small pieces of glass were embedded in my skin, I tried to ignore the blood that emanated from these before I got worse. Then I looked at Jeff. All of it was blood, even on his face, his eyes were muffled, his chest slowly rising every time he inhaled. He looked at me apologetically, in fear … I shook my head but let out a gasp. There was nothing to apprehend my body, it was simply the pain that had been inflicted upon me after the impact. Through the window I saw the other car, but I couldn’t distinguish the driver, my vision began to blur. Even breathing was beginning to burn. I didn’t want to close my eyes, if these would be my last seconds I wouldn’t go on wasting it on details that would no longer be worth it, so I looked at Jeff, though I didn’t want to see him that way one last time. I refused even to blink. What good would it do? I began to lose the senses of my body and little by little the consciousness was leaving me, the corners of my vision began to darken … I could feel it, as I gradually faded into absolute nothingness.

“No” Jeff whispered again. I savored his voice and even the effort he made to raise his hand and reach mine “No … don’t … let …you… go” He asked me.

“It hurts a lot” I murmured and made a face, why continue to endure so much pain?

“I should … I should have listen … to you” I felt a slight squeeze.

I couldn’t anymore and I started to cry. I wanted to let go but at the same time fight a little more. We would both come out of this, if I surrendered, he would, I couldn’t imagine a life without him, he didn’t have to die, not tonight, not so soon, our lives were just beginning. I nodded. I wasn’t going to leave this world.

Jeff smiled, but that gesture barely lasted for a second. He grimaced, in a way that distorted his face. I clutched at his hand as I began to feel his grip loosen and not at will.

“Jeff” I sat, still with all the pain in the world and I squeezed his hand between mine “No … don’t give up” I wanted to absorb his pain, that everything would happen to me, even if I ended up dead, I didn’t care but he didn’t have to die. Not him. He deserves to be happy “Don’t close your eyes” I screamed as he began to lower his eyelids “Look at me, Jeff, we’ll be fine. Don’t give up”

He smiled at me.

“Forgive me.” I shook my head.

“Please. Don’t leave me.” I begged as I brought his hand to my lips. He couldn’t leave me in this miserable world alone. I couldn’t go on without him.

“I love you, Y/N”

“My love…”

Then he turned his face to the window. I was a spectator of the last time his chest went up and then went down so that it wouldn’t rise again. I screamed with all my might as I pounced on him. I punched him in the face as I called his name, begged him to wake up, begged him to come back to me … or to take me. Finally the pain made me fall back into my seat, I would wait here for my death, I would have to go somehow, I had to feel the unconsciousness again, but, as a punishment, that didn’t happen, I felt more alive than ever. He was gone without me.

“Jeff … hold on … Jeff … hold on!”

I didn’t realize that someone had come to meet us until I turned and I spotted Clay Jensen trying desperately to open my boyfriend’s door. I sobbed and his eyes fixed on mine, maybe he didn’t think i was alive.

“Resist, Y/N, I’m going to call the ambulance”

I shook my head, I didn’t want to wait for anyone, I didn’t want anyone to save me. I only wanted to die right now.

I closed my eyes.

Where had i ended? How had i gotten here? I looked at my arms, without any mark or stain of blood. My clothes, a short white dress covered me, perfectly white, as if it had just been put in a shop window. I looked up, the illumination from wherever I was, was too much to almost blind me. Did this mean that i was dead? How long did i take me to get here? I walked forward, on my feet, I felt like stepped on grass, even if i couldn’t see it. I kept walking, I felt an atmosphere of peace surround me, there was no danger, there was no pain and much less misfortunes. I was very comfortable here. I never thought about the “What will there be after death?” Did I end up in paradise? What a pleasant place!

But I wasn’t alone and I realized when a figure came out of nowhere. The first thing I noticed was his white clothes, with a light brown vest, then his face and the smile he received me. My heart shrank as I ran to him, straight into the heat and the protection I always found in his arms. But this time, the touch was cold and there was no protection in them, in fact, I could hardly feel it. I looked at him frightened, we were dead … but together … I didn’t let him leave me.

Jeff took my face and smiled at me the way he always did. I couldn’t return the gesture. This was a place of peace but I no longer felt it, what more did I want? I was dead but next to Jeff.

“You’ll be fine” he told me.

“Where are we?” I refused to look away from him.

“You, in a hospital bed” He looked down for a few seconds “Doctors say you’ll get fine … but you need to wake up, babe”

I shook my head off his grasp, but quickly my hands gripped his. I wasn’t going to let him go.

“Am I not dead?”

He shook his head and smiled. For the first time i hated his smile. I cringed and started to cry, no, I wasn’t going to wake up.

“And you?” I said through tears.

“I have to go, I didn’t say goodbye properly” I tightened his hands.

“Don’t. Please, don’t leave me” I raised my hands up his arms, he was cold, too, barely and I could feel it and that mortified me “I can’t go on without you”

“You have to do it, Y/N, you have to live for both”

“I can‘t” I knelt in front of him without letting go, I had no strength “You have to take me with you, I won’t wake up, Jeff”

“Your parents are having a bad time, my love.” He rose to me and stroked my cheek.

“Why did you leave me? Why?”

“I wasn’t as strong as you. I love you, always remember it, and I leave in peace knowing that you are alive”

“I don’t want to live!”

We stood up. He kissed me on the forehead and went away until I extended my arms, I couldn’t more and ended up letting him go.

“Please” I pleaded as I watched him disappear into a white haze.

When I opened my eyes, I saw everything blurred for a few minutes until my vision cleared and I ran into the lights of the hospital room I was in. The sounds began to come to me, the sound of an infernal machine that was possibly connected to my heartbeat, I hated that sound so much. And the burning in my nose was due to the oxygen they were infringing on, I hated it too. And to all those who came to save me.

“My dear” I heard Mom’s voice and turned my face slowly toward her. Her face was emaciated, I wondered how long I’d been unconscious, but I didn’t need to know anyway. “We were very worried”

I didn’t answer and I looked at Dad.

“We love you, little one” He stroked my hair but I didn’t even flinch. I couldn’t feel anything, at least not emotionally. “I’m going to get a nurse.” He touched Mom’s shoulders and left the room.

“You’re going to get well, my love.” Now it was her that touched me.

I no longer wanted to be well. I didn’t want to go any further. I had seen the love of my life die. I hated me. I hated being here.

“Is Jeff …?”

I still wanted to believe that it was a nightmare and that he was in another room being attended to, that his heart was still beating, that his condition was serious but would improve. He still breathing. That soon we would be together again and in the autumn we would leave here to start a new life.

“I’m sorry, baby”

I looked again at the ceiling for a few seconds, the infernal machine made an even more annoying sound, my heartbeat had accelerated. Mom was alarmed, she called me, but I was already lost and I burst into tears.

Masterlist

How I Learned to Write Characters (Or How I Became TV Trash)

I used to write horrible characters. They had no personality, embodied stereotypes of the worst types of people and the best, and every protagonist was a Mary Sue. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t relate to them. I created them, didn’t I?

Growing up didn’t fix that. Neither did meeting other people. It helped, yeah. But you can’t ever learn everything about someone. People don’t run like characters do, and if they happen to be similar, chances are they won’t let you find out. It came on its own.

I went through some hard times. At least, for a kid. I dealt with people that didn’t understand that me or my friends were human or had feelings. And it left me and my various mental illnesses struggling to even find motivation to write.

I watched TV. I read.

Finding characters, I understood why I needed to make them better. I found characters that I could relate to. Characters with faults. Characters that were bad people but with good intentions, and fixed themselves.

As I put scotch tape over my cracks in my mind, I learned more about how to write. And as I watched characters, I learned more about myself, too. I could write trauma now. I could write flashbacks. I could write depression and harassment and anxiety and sleepless nights.

And when it got bad, I thought to myself–one more episode. One a day. I just have to sit. There were days where I felt like I had nothing to live for but to find out what happened in the next episode of the current crappy anime I watched. I credit my life to it, honestly, because I was so far gone. I’m back now.

It was bad, but characters around me got through it. I was able to function if they were. They had motivation. I had motivation. I could write these things because I had been through these things and these characters helped me function.

Have any of you cried when you watched TV, not because it was sad, but because you felt the same way they did? Because all of a sudden you were back when you were weak and all you wanted to do was to make them feel better? Crying and sobbing in front of my phone because
I was like that too
And I want people to remember that and see the character get better too alongside them
Because they can do it.

Just little things. Steven Universe–anime–cartoons–I could relate. I could write. I could give my characters the same troubles I had and the same feelings and maybe
Just maybe
Someone else might find their reason to live another day. Someone else might figure out that they’re not alone.

And for all I know, that someone could be the future me.

It was worth it. It still is. Other people’s writing and drawings saved me. And you? The amateur writer going through a tough spot? A recovering pro? A beginner who wants to give up?

You could change somebody’s life. And that somebody might be you.

Dear Connor Murphy (Connor Murphy x reader imagine)

A/N: Hello! Thank you all for reading and for the amazing support! I was going to start on requests, but this idea jumped into my head and wouldn’t leave me alone. This is darker than my first two so let me know what you think! I will admit that I cried a little writing this, so be warned.

Requested: nope
Words: 1367
Warnings: One or two swear words. Suicide! If this subject is triggering for you please skip this! I’ll have some fluff tomorrow!

Dear Connor Murphy,

I don’t want to be writing this to you. I never wanted to write this, but you’ve given me no choice.
When we met I thought I knew who I was, and then you arrived like a freaking tornado and changed everything. We had all just come back from winter break, and we’d never really talked, but we’d been in the same math class since freshman year. We only started talking because I loved highlighting notes in class and the teacher took away my highlighters. You commented to me how that was bullshit and let me borrow a few of your own. It’s funny how something so simple could change our lives.
We started talking after that, mostly on preferred methods of organizing our school notes. You hated a messy binder, and we loved talking about how we should run a class on how to take perfect notes. Somehow we found stupid jokes about highlighters and binders hilarious, and when it was just us we lived in our own world.
The outside world found our friendship weird. The freak and the girl next door, sounds cliché right? Not for us, and if it was we didn’t give a shit. With you I didn’t have to hide how messed up life could be, and with me, you could just be a boy, not the crazy kid at school. When we had our anti-Valentine’s Day movie marathon and you kissed me the pieces seemed to fall into place.

Nobody was surprised when we started holding hands and I showed up to school in your hoodies. Even though nobody was surprised there were still glares, snide remarks, and mean comments. Ignoring them was hard, but together we managed because we were a team. Our nights were spent entangled in each other’s arms laughing and sharing secrets while splattering kisses upon each other. Saying it was perfect would be a lie, nothing is perfect, but we were damn close. No matter what was happening we were constants for each other. After fights with your parents you climbed into my window, and after fights with mine I would call you and you would rush over to hold me. Our relationships with other people could be falling apart, but at least we still had each other, even when we fought.
You would get mad when you were insecure, and I would get upset when I felt alone. Sometimes you would scream, or sometimes you would go silent. I would hold you no matter the emotion and you did the same for me. While in holding each other calm settled over us and all the big emotions we felt seemed distant. The only thing we could feel was security.

Before we knew it summer had rolled around and we spent each and every day together. We knew senior year would be hard so we treasured every moment together. I would wake up to you and fall asleep with my head on your chest, legs overlapping, and bare bodies together. Our most private moments switched between those where we divulged hidden pain and ones where we held our naked bodies close.
You told me about the pain you felt, how lonely you would get, how sometimes everything seemed useless. I never shied away from talking about it, and you even said it was getting better, that the thoughts weren’t there as often and life had more meaning. You had never lied to me before that.

When you didn’t show up the first day of senior year a part of me knew. I decided to go to your house after school, denying what I knew deep down. I pulled up to your house and saw ambulances and your parents standing on the porch with blank faces. I don’t even remember getting out of the car, but I remember the feeling of shattering inside me. Your mom and I sat on the couch together, for who knows how long while police asked her questions and I held her hand. Your dad just stared out the window, while your sister stared into space while at the dining room table. I’m supposed to stand in front of people and tell stories about you, but all I can do is feel anger.

You left me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I get to be since you killed yourself. It doesn’t even feel real to acknowledge that. I keep expecting you to show up in my bedroom and tell me this was just one mean prank, and I would yell, but you would hold me and everything would be okay. Instead, I hold your hoodies as I try to fall asleep, but I can’t sleep. I just rethink everything I did, and everything I didn’t do.
Now I’m just always tired because when I close my eyes I see you and everything that could have been and would have been, and that hurts too much. With my eyes closed I catch glimpses of the sideways smile you would give me when we were driving, I catch glimpses of your favorite jeans that have a hole in the cuffs. I catch glimpses of you in my bed. I catch glimpses of what would have been our first apartment, the tux you would’ve worn to prom. I see you and me carrying groceries and fighting over wedding invitations and baby names. But then I see you dying alone, and your eyes lifeless. I see you being announced dead in your room which you won’t ever walk in again, so I get to be angry. I get to be angry because you left me and took our future away with it. We were going to be that annoying couple that everybody looks up to. We were going to move Oregon after school, eventually buy a house, and have kids that would have your eyes and laugh. It all would have been so beautiful.

I’m angry so I don’t have to be sad because if I were sad I wouldn’t ever stop. The sad keeps creeping in though. I want more time with you. I want more time to memorize the way you wrap your arms around me and the way you kissed me. I want more time to remember the exact sound of your heart beating and the way you said my name. I’m trying to hold onto how you smelled and the way you laughed. I wish I could’ve frozen every moment with you so I could have memorized every detail. I want to go back and count the colors in your eyes and the freckles on your back. It all went by so fast, I wish I could have slowed everything down and relived every moment with you and savor every breath you took. I’m so angry and sad and lonely all at once with you gone. Maybe it was naïve to think that I could love you back to happiness, but I tried; I tried so hard. Now you’re gone and I can’t wish you back, no matter how much I try. I can’t give you my heartbeat so you can live, no matter how much I want and I can’t join you no matter how much I want to. All I can do is try to live, but when you left I died with you. So I’m angry Connor, and I’m sad, but I’ll try to stay upright. I promise you that I won’t move on even if that’s what you want. You were my future; you still are my future even if you’re gone. Before I knew you my future seemed average, go to school, find a man who treats me okay and turn into the person I never wanted to be. Now I refuse to be that, to turn into that. I’ll try my hardest to live a life that I want, one where I break the expectations ahead of me, just like you taught me. So even though you won’t walk next to me, you’ll live in me. Every breath I take and step I make will be because of you, and together our future will be as bright as your smile.

Sincerely,

Me

anonymous asked:

hi ! i read through all your fic recs and i was hoping you might have some more ? i don't read smut myself, so i really like the ones you rec ^^

omg hi, sweetpea!! but yes, i do have some new recs in my likes that i haven’t been able to add to my recs page! also, thank you for giving me another reason to procrastinate from midterm studying, much love ♡

♣︎ blazing arrows by @daddychiminie

[ jimin x reader feat. jungkook | fluff, angst, future smut | supernatural au ]

part one. part two. part three. to be continued.

it’s a cupid au, and i really enjoy it so far. jimin is cupid and made a mistake by hitting you with an arrow, so he comes down to fix it, and i just really enjoy the playful bantering between the reader and jimin, and it’s so cute. the grocery scene is really adorable in part two, and i laughed way too hard at the magazine incident and the cart scene, oh god, i just really want a boyfriend to do that with me after reading that. AND I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU POSTED PART THREE SO BE RIGHT BACK, GOING TO READ THAT NOW.

edit: okay i have finished reading part three, and i’m on the floor from all the feels. i have never felt anything for jimin before, but gosh darn it, this is desperately making me want a hug from him. 

♣︎ the thing about love by @zephyoongist

[ taehyung x reader feat. jungkook | fluff, angst | college au ]

oneshot.

I’M STILL SO SALTY OVER THIS, PABLO. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS. but anyway, it’s still so very beautifully written and i cry, why do you do this to me and my poor, nonexistent heart?? taehyung is such a angelic and godly human being, he doesn’t deserve this.

♣︎ why people fall in love by @zephyoongist

[ jungkook x reader | fluff | friends with benefits / fake dating au ]

oneshot.

because anything and everything fae writes is magical and wonderful even though she does annoy me about jungcocky all the time. i remember reading this a long time ago, and i said she wasn’t going to love him back, and then you yelled at me. good times.

♣︎ love in colors by @lushguk

[ taehyung x reader | angst, fluff | soulmate / reincarnation au ]

oneshot.

gosh, i love mel so much, and her writing is so so breath taking. this is one of my absolute favorites because art and taehyung? my two passions lmao. i remember throwing my bunny plushie in frustration and then apologizing to it after i read the airport scene.

♣︎ the first and last of us by @lushguk

[ yoongi x reader | fluff, implied smut, angst | childhood bestfriends au ]

oneshot.

let me just lay here and die from the overwhelming amount of emotions i felt after reading this. mel has completely wrecked me with this, and her writing gives such a nostalgic and melancholic feeling that left me wanting to cry a waterfall. i’m pretty sure i screamed about this scenario to her too much.

♣︎ the pistol star by @kairoseok

[ jungkook x reader feat. hoseok | angst, fluff | supernatural au ]

oneshot.

this is a combination of astrology and beautiful beings, and i’m so in awe over this. just the way it was written and how every detail was crafted so intricately had me reading and rereading this scenario over and over again. her writing is really quite phenomenal and unique.

♣︎ 2 assholes play cards against humanity by @cosykims

[ yoongi x reader | fluff | youtuber au ]

oneshot.

because i love cards against humanity and because this is hilarious and cute and i love it. and also because her photoshopping skills for yoongi’s channel is incredible. and i rec her hogwarts!bts bulletpoint scenarios too!! i think i recced them before, but i gotta do it again because they’re amazing and i’m still in love with them.

♣︎ caffeine, crimson cheeks, and cashiers by @cinnaminsvga

[ taehyung x reader | fluff | college au ]

oneshot.

because i love fluff and happy endings, and tae is the cutest, and i can relate to this scenario on so many levels right now. “to noodle or not to noodle, that is the question” is too real. i’m questioning myself that at this very moment. where can i shop to get a cute cashier!tae to ring me up with a date??

 ♣︎ i want to kiss you (i know it’s 2 am) by @1rapmon

[ yoongi x reader | fluff | slice of life au ]

oneshot.

i honestly lost track of how many times i read this scenario because it’s so amazing and shows the dynamics of their relationship so wonderfully. gosh, the dialogue is so great, and i found myself smiling the entire time whilst reading this. del my soft and radiant goddess, ily to the moon and back.

♣︎ the countdown by @dreamscript

[ taehyung x reader feat. yoongi | fluff | slice of life au ]

oneshot.

taehyung is overdramatic, you’re amused, and yoongi is just so done with everything. oh, and throw in a dying confession. this scenario holds such a special place in my heart, and ily, rys, the other half of #rat and all hail rysism. rys writes my favoritest scenarios that have the best mix between fluff and comedy.

♣︎ in watercolor by @annyeongs

[ yoongi x reader | fluff, implied smut | photographer au ]

oneshot.

i love love loooove mia, the prettiest babe in the universe!! i also love love loooove her writing and how everything she types is so poetic and lovely and makes me feel happy. in this scenario, the reader is called art by yoongi, and yoongi is actual art, but mia is the true masterpiece here.

i. forgotten, forlorn, forsaken: as though the presence that graced me with the words I needed for these feelings has left me alone in the middle of an old bedroom, full of old memories.

ii. there are indents in the carpet beside the stained bed where I have been on my knees and I can’t go back down to clasp my hands because they are too wet with the tears of those I have hurt, too slick to stay together.


iii. it would be kinder to be drenched in blood. the stain is easier to be clean of, I know what you’re thinking, but red is always more soluble than sin. 


iv. a hollow wind comes through the window. it blow the covers back and if I squint it almost looks like there could be a body in the bed, arms outstretched to either side, begging.


v. I know this is never what people meant when they said be careful of letting God in your bed, but I didn’t understand the warning regardless. I didn’t understand. 


vi. our mistakes are so clear in hindsight, like holy water running over feet already washed. maybe the bed is made. maybe there is no body. maybe the bed is made around the body and God is there waiting for me to get in.

—  church pew poetry || O.L.

Demi Lovato   {Sentence Starters}

  • “Bitch, I run this show.”
  • “Go on and try to tear me down.”
  • “You can take everything I have.”
  • “Hard as I try, I know I can’t quit.”
  • “I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.”
  • “You had your dreams, I had mine.”
  • “There’s just so much you can take.”
  • “What’s wrong with being confident?”
  • “Something about you is so addictive.”
  • “Maybe if I don’t cry, I won’t feel anymore.”
  • “You’re not worth the time that this is taking.”
  • “I can’t survive without you here by my side.”
  • “I know what’s going on. It didn’t take me long.”
  • “If I ever did that, I think I’d have a heart attack.”
  • “Can’t believe that I have put up with all this pain.”
  • “Thought you had me fooled, but you were wrong.”
  • “I’m going to love you like I’ve never been broken.”
  • “You’ve been hurt before. I can see it in your eyes.”  
  • “But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough.”
  • “I didn’t wanna say ‘I’m sorry’ for breaking us apart.”
  • “Who said I can’t wear my converse with my dress?”
  • “You can save your apologies, you’re nothing but a liar.”
  • “But now that I get you, I know fear is what it really was.”
  • “Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed?”
  • “You try to smile it away. Some things, you can’t disguise.”
  • “You don’t deserve to know the way I used to think about you.”
  • “Do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me?”
  • “I didn’t wanna say 'It was my fault’, even though I knew it was.”
  • “I know you’re scared it’s wrong, like you might make a mistake.”
  • “You never know what you want. And you never say what you mean!”

Someday I’ll be over you.
Someday I’ll find better.
Someday I’ll be in love with someone better.
Someday I won’t feel the void you left with me.
Someday the sun will set on my vivid memory of you.
Someday it will just be a laugh or a lesson.
Someday I’ll be done waiting.

Someday I’ll be over you.

Flower colour meanings

Not everyone has access to different kinds of flowers or it is just hard for you to identify flowers that you just picked.
So I decided to make this list, if you have any questions left, feel free to ask me!

Black flowers

Though they can be harder to get, black flowers have multiple magical uses. You can use them as offerings for your deities or in spirit work. They also have good protective attributes – I like to use them in warding and binding spells.

White flowers
Because of history, white colours represent purity and innocence as well as virginity, holiness and almightiness. So white flowers can be perfectly used as offerings for your deities (if you have any) or for spells that cover sacred parts of your life (for exapmle family). White flowers could also be used for death and goodbyes.

Red flowers
Similar to candle colours, the colour red is mostly associated with love and passion. Perfect for spells that regard your love life – self love spells, love strengthening spells or for letting other people know how much you love them.
They could also be used for magic that regard things you are passionate about: your job, a hobby or whatever comes to your mind.
A general rule is: the darker the red, the more intense are the feelings.

Orange flowers
These flowers have quite the same traits as yellow flowers. They represent energy, optimism and warmth.

Yellow flowers
So, yellow flowers. They represent happiness, vitality and strength. I like to use them in magic that´s supposed to convey comfort and hope – for myself or others.
On the other side yellow flowers represent envy and grudge. They are perfect for curses as well as repelling jealousy.

Green flowers

New beginnings, hope and life – these are the main correspondences of green flowers. If you move into a new place, consider getting some green flowers.
Furthermore, you could use them to celebrate life.

Blue flowers
In general, blue flowers represent royalty. Blue flowers are perfect for glamours!
Darker blues represent loyalty and reliability. Together with red flowers they could totally be used for love strengthening spells.

Pink flowers
Pink flowers are soft flowers. They are perfect if you do magic for children and other tender people. They can also be used in spells regarding self love as well as in glamours. But don´t underestimate these flowers – they can be just as powerfull as other flowers.

Purple flowers
Everything mystic. Purple flowers symbolise extraordinary and unique feelings. They can be used in spells regarding your magic – divination, astral travelling or contacting spirits.
You do not have to make a whole spell: placing a bunch of purple flowers close to you while reading the cards, runes or asking your pendulum or whatnot should enhance your abilities.