there's not enough alcohol in the world to numb me from my feelings

“I hate you” pt.3

part 1   part 2

A/N: One of you guys actually helped me with this and gave me this idea. I’m sorry I don’t remember your username, but thanks!

Some times when relationships end it simply takes a few days to get over it, or it can take months. In your case it had been a few days, but in Luke’s case it took far longer.

It had been a year, exactly. Luke counted down the days from the time you left until now. He wanted to see how long it’d take him to get over you, if he ever would, and how long it would take for you to come back, if you ever would.

Luke hadn’t done much since the time you left. Once you were gone, he practically was too. That’s the thing about your relationship: without each other, what did you have? Luke spent his days inhaling the scent of you on your pillow case as he cuddled it, crying a lot because he simply wasn’t a whole person, and most of all drowning himself in minor pain relievers and alcohol.

For you, it only took you 5 months to find some one else. Some one who made you just as happy as Luke had. Some one who made you feel like the most special thing in the world to him. And he for sure treated you nothing like Luke had that one night.

“Luke, you home?” Luke’d old band mate, Ashton, entered the place you and Luke used to call home.

Luke rolled over, releasing your pillow from his grasp, and let out a tired groan. He didn’t feel like dealing with this again. Months after you left, Ashton started to worry about Luke. Ashton would come over everyday and try to make Luke forget. He’d try to make Luke feel something for another girl. Hell, Ashton was just trying to get him out of the house. Luke gave up easily, but Ashton wasn’t quite done yet. He wouldn’t give up as easily as Luke had weeks into Ashton’s “therapy”.

“There you are,” Ashton said as Luke came trudging down the stairs. Luke gave him a weak smile. “How are you feeling?” Ashton asked when Luke sat on the couch.

“I don’t know,” Luke shrugged. The words reminded him of what you said when he asked if and when you’d return. A sting of sadness opened in Luke’s heart just thinking of you.

“C’mon, mate, you can tell me how you really feel,” Ashton persisted.

“It’s been a year Ash, and theres still nothing. I can’t eat without something reminding me of the way she ate, I can’t watch movies or television without being reminded of cuddling her, I can’t tell jokes without hearing her laugh, and I can’t live without being reminded of her. She was my world, Ash. Now I have nothing,” Luke said quietly as a tear streamed down his cheek.  Luke was as numb as you were the day you left him.

“You’ll get better, Luke. Don’t be so down about it. Maybe it was for the better that she left,” Ashton tried to reason, but Luke wasn’t having it.

“For the better that she left,” Luke repeated while scoffing. “It’s not better. If she was still here I’d have my world, I’d be myself, and there’d still be a band. If you think her leaving me was for the better, than you can get the hell out,” Luke raised his voice.

“You know what I mean. I-it’s just… It’s been a year. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?” Ashton said in the most sympathetic way possible. He was in fear of Luke getting angry again. That was something Luke had struggled with lately. Ever since you left, he’d literally fallen apart into a pit of anger and sadness.

“I don’t want to move on from her and just forget her. I couldn’t even if I tried,” a disheartened Luke replied. He put his head in his hands and let out a sigh.

“Luke, there’s other people out there,” Ashton reasoned.

“But, I want (y/n),” he replied.

“Don’t you want to just try to find someone?” Ashton asked.

“No, never. And I think you should go. I’m clearly helpless and your only making me angrier,” Luke spat.

“Fine, but I’m coming here tomorrow,”

Ashton left the home worried. What was happening to his best friend? Ashton had tried everything he could think of, but nothing helped. Luke was fixated on her and nothing would change that.

Luke had already opened his fifth beer of the day. He used to find the taste horrible, until you left. Now, he found the bitter taste pleasant. Almost as if it masked the bitterness in his heart. He laid his head down to rest on the pillows you did the night before you left. The pillow didn’t smell like your strawberry shampoo anymore, so it was less comforting. But then he felt it. There was something under the pillow and he didn’t even have to hesitate before he knew what it was; your journal.

Luke remembered you telling him the story. When you were a child you used to write a lot and often times you’d fall asleep while writing or you’d wake up with a perfect idea in your head. You just always had to have your journal right next to you, or under you, so you could write out your thoughts. There were nights when you couldn’t sleep if you didn’t have that journal and there were nights when you woke up in the middle of the night to record your dream.

Luke opened the journal, which he knew he probably shouldn’t have done. Whenever he tried to read it you’d scold him for touching your private property. This journal probably had an entry from the night he lashed out. If he read it maybe he’d have some answers. Maybe there’d be some closure. The only way to know was to read it.

He found the last page with an entry on it and sure enough  it was about what Luke had done.

Dear diary,

When I started these journals it was because I knew I would want to look back and read them one day in the future. I planned to write down all the things that occurred and significant pieces of my life. But something far worse than bad happened tonight. I don’t want to go into detail because one day when I look back on these journals I don’t want to be reminded of this. I don’t want to be reminded of the horrible words he said or the horrible things he did. I want to look back on this entry and hopefully not remember a single thing. So for tonight all I need to say is…

I am scared of him. I have to leave him.

Lucas Robert Hemmings, I hate you.

There is no closure in this entry. There is nothing about what she feels. Theres three sentences written down in her perfect manuscript about nothing. It’s nothing he hadn’t already heard or known. It’s nothing, but a piece of his past.

Luke threw the notebook across the room. He was too frustrated to deal with it, too heartbroken to look at it, and too sad to comprehend it.

Luke took it in his own hands. It shouldn’t have gone down this way, but with out you he felt there was nothing to live for. He felt there was no one who would miss him.

A bottle of pain killers washed down with sour beer was all it took for him to go down into a dreamless never ending sleep.

He rested on the pillow where your scent lingered. His last breath filled with the scent of you.And his last thoughts were of you, of course. About the words you’d written on the page. The three words that ended your relationship and his life.

“I hate you”.