there's a war going on inside of my head

Can we talk about how this song is on Kylo Ren's playlist on Spotify. (It's his official playlist btw, created by Disney)

“A Cross And A Girl Named Blessed”

She wears a butterfly on her wrist
But she might as well cut it’s head off
She’s holding out for weapons to kill the ghost inside
Or at least kill the thought she has of killing her mind
she says “I love you” with her hands, she says “I hate you” with her eyes

Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we’ll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn’t worth fighting for

I wear God’s name up by my wrist but she might as well tear my skin off
She’s letting go convictions, to release the ghost inside
To release all the suffering of a cross and a girl
I sing “I love you” way too much, so I’ll say “I hate you” for tonight

Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we’ll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn’t worth fighting for

She, she said to me I will be driving in the wrong direction
Did you ever think, that maybe your life,
Is heading in the wrong direction, baby

There’s a cross up on the wall
See from the corner of your eye
When you’re down on your knees
And she’s begging please
So go and lay back down tonight
Because you won’t know who you are
Until you’re down on your knees
And you’re begging please

Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we’ll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn’t worth fighting for

Originally posted by itsjustmycrazyvibe

There's a war going on inside my head and it's slowly killing me....

And the truth is, no matter how alone you feel, how you think that no one is going through the same thing, how you think that no one could possibly understand how bad you messed up, how you hurt, how you wish you weren’t here; how your whole body aches and screams inside, how every-day presents a new challenge, how there is a war going on inside your head and it’s slowly killing you, destroying you; you aren’t alone. Not even by a long-shot. All those un-known faces in the crowd, those grey faced people who you pass by, those people who smile confidently and laugh as they walk or those people who look down at the ground because they’re afraid to meet your eyes, those people with their earphones plugged in, blocking out reality, those people who wave to their friends as they walk past them; they all could be going through something similar. Because you never know what damaging thoughts are running through someone’s head. And that’s the problem; because we’re afraid to speak out, because no one can find the voice to speak up, and when it’s in your head you face it alone. And those who try to raise issue are silenced by what some people proclaim to be the definition of a “mental illness.” Because it’s stigmatized. And it’s so limiting; a label. Because the truth is that a mental illness isn’t an illness, shouldn’t be considered an illness; it’s a complication in your struggle to be who you are, something that you have to deal with, it makes every day harder. Much harder. Sometimes it makes getting through the day seem impossible. It’s experiencing something so intensely that sometimes you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s having trouble communicating with others. It’s having difficulty functioning from day to day. It’s struggling with your self-image, sometimes hating yourself for who you are. It’s believing that you just aren’t good enough. It’s feeling as if you can’t go on. It’s having irrational thoughts or hallucinations. It’s harming yourself because you can’t deal with the pain. It’s staying up all night because you can’t sleep. It’s wishing it would be all over. And it’s not always pretty. No, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine and flowers and pretty words. Having a mental illness is a challenge. It can be really ugly. It can separate you from others and make you feel alone. But, in that, it’s another reason why you are different, unique. And it doesn’t mean you’re less than anyone else. It doesn’t make you sick, and it’s not something that should be pitied and looked down upon, as if you are inferior to those without it. It doesn’t mean that you can’t cry about it, can’t feel, can’t hurt. Because you should be allowed to, because it’s not easy, Gods no it’s not easy. But I can tell you that it’s not something to be ashamed of. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t apologize. It’s not a choice you made. And those people who are diagnosed; they’re afraid. We’re afraid. Afraid of what it means to admit to it, admit to having problems, admit to being damaged, afraid of accepting our faults, afraid of letting others in, afraid of coming to terms with how hard every single day is. And, believe me, at first every day is hard; it’s hard, so hard, so very hard. And it’s not fair, either, because as humans we’re taught the subtle art of deception. We live by it, swear by it like a code. We’re taught to put on that mask, we’re taught to force a smile, we’re taught that we can’t break. We’re taught that we have to be perfect. And having a mental illness is far from perfect because you’re not always going to be one hundred percent okay. Some days you’ll be far from it. We’re taught that having a mental illness means that you can’t function, that you belong in a mental institution where you’ll be straightened out. We’re taught that mentally ill people shoot others, ramble on, scare young children, are dangerous, have violent hallucinations, are addicts. Yes, that’s the side of mental illnesses that we are shown; the violent side, the side that no one “can” or wants to identify with. We’re taught that depression is feeling sad. We’re taught that suicide kills people. We’re taught that maybe you should isolate yourself so as not to hurt others and that maybe you can’t do the things that you wish you could; that “normal” people could do. Because when you have a mental illness you’re not normal, no, you can’t be normal. We’re taught that having a mental illness means you’re a loner, that you don’t or can’t belong. We’re taught that it’s better to keep what we feel inside. We’re taught that you can’t live in normal society or that having a mental illness makes you somehow less. That’s the stereotype. That’s what’s on the news; politicians use it as an excuse for a person’s terrible actions if they appear less than “alright” if they have “problems.” It’s likening mental illnesses to wrongdoings. It’s refusing to acknowledge the depth and importance of the struggles that those who have it face. It’s dehumanizing. It’s demonstrating how little people understand about mental illnesses. And sometimes those who identify under this label are told that their problems aren’t valid. IF they don’t fit the part, then they can’t have it, or shouldn’t have it because they don’t meet the supposed criteria. And sometimes it just “can’t be real” because you appear “fine.” Because we judge mental illness by the stereotypes we are taught and not by the words and actions of those who suffer in silence.

And I’m tired of this, tired of hearing “perk up” or “be happy” or “come-on, stop exaggerating,” I’m tired of feeling misunderstood, tired of being told that I’m tearing people apart by using my mental illness as a limitation. The truth is that no matter how much you try, if you do not have a mental illness then you don’t have the true ability to fully understand one. That’s it. Because a mental illness is not as simple as feeling depressed and unmotivated or feeling so happy you just can’t control the words that come out of your mouth; a mental illness is not as simple as feeling as if you don’t belong. It’s not as simple as going through a rough-patch. A mental illness is not just an excuse to cover up a mistake. It’s an up-hill battle, a constant struggle. It’s very very real. And invalidating one because you can’t understand it isn’t right.

But if you want the truth, my truth; I’ll tell it to you loud and clear. We, as humans, are not perfect. We can’t be. We all go through things, we all struggle, and we all doubt ourselves sometimes. And sometimes we want to give up, throw in the towel, and walk away. And you know what? That’s okay. And you aren’t alone. And I don’t expect you to be rosy and dandy one hundred percent of the time. Because that’s just not realistic.  I’m only an individual but I’m here too. And I understand. And while that may not be very reassuring know that if I’m surviving you can too.

And no matter if you have a mental illness or not, no matter if you can relate to all of this or only some of it, no matter if you agree with any of this or think it is all rubbish, no matter if you think that this issue needs to be further discussed or maybe just ignored, you are valid. You matter. We all do. And despite all of the pain and guilt you might feel and the bad thoughts that might be running through your head and how your world appears to crumble and begin again in the morning, and despite how you might feel invalidated, and despite how you can’t seem to figure out how it could possibly get any worse than it already is, I want you to know that even in the hardest and darkest of times when you feel like giving up and you forget your reasons to live, there is always hope. Because, at the end of the day, those who understand will always be there. And those who are learning will try to be there too. Waiting. You can turn to us. I can promise you that you aren’t alone. There is someone out there who cares and who truly gets it; who knows how great you are and how much you can give to this world. And you will get through this. Because you are strong, stronger than you ever know. Be brave, my friend, for it will get better. You are so much more than your struggle.

(This is something I wrote to myself a long time back. I just wanted to share it with you; I’m not very open about my mental illness, but hopefully this can reach somebody). 

: @creativeadultsarechildrenatheart