there is no distraction to mask what is real

potential angst starters
  • “please don’t forget”
  • “you know you should have stayed”
  • “you’re cold on the inside”
  • “there’s a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart”
  • “you ruin everything you touch and destroy anyone you love”
  • “i know that you can’t hear me anymore”
  • “it’s so loud inside my head”
  • “i haven’t been all that you could have hoped for”
  • “if you held on a little longer, you would have more reasons to be proud”
  • “i talk to the shadows hoping you might be listening”
  • “how can i say this without breaking?”
  • “i loved and i lost you”
  • “i don’t want them to know the way i loved you”
  • “i don’t think they would accept me”
  • “your heart fits like a key”
  • “it’s so quiet here”
  • “you said that you weren’t alone”
  • “you still owe me a reason”
  • “i act like i don’t fucking care”
  • “maybe you’re too good for me”
  • “lately colors seem so bright”
  • “i can’t admit that you’ve got all the strings and know how to tug them”
  • “losing you was something i always did so well”
  • “i don’t do anything anymore”
  • “sorry, i nearly lost my head”
  • “this feeling i dread, it makes me wish i was dead”
  • “i’ll be alone instead, i don’t need anyone in this bed”
  • “i come home on my own”
  • “i don’t care if i don’t look pretty”
  • “big girls cry when their hearts are breaking”
  • “i’m in pain”
  • “she gives me toothaches just from kissing me”
  • “i didn’t care much how long i lived”
  • “heaven and hell were words to me”
  • “i need to feel your hands upon my face”
  • “words can be like knives. they can cut you open”
  • “i think i might have inhaled you”
  • “i can feel you flowing in me”
  • “i miss you more than i thought i would”
  • “i never meant to start a fire. i never meant to make you bleed”
  • “i’ll love the world like i should”
  • “the blood on my hands scares me to death”
  • “you took a chance and you took a fall for us”
  • “my love, look what you can do”
  • “i know in peace you’ll go. i hope relief is yours”
  • “was i selfish again? well, i can’t help that”
  • “i pour my heart out on the ice and everyone’s watching but you”
  • “i can’t see you, you can’t see me”
  • “everybody’s watching but you, and i don’t think i want them to”
  • “there’s a bitter storm inside of me”
  • “i do it all for you”
  • “it’s all gone to shit, it’s out of our hands”
  • “if you’re searching for us, you’ll find us side by side”
  • “as long as we’re going down, baby you should stick around”
  • “does any of this love exist or is this just a fire keeping out the cold?”
  • “memories never lie”
  • “tell me that i’m right”
  • “your tired, unfamiliar face says it all”
  • “even though we all grow old, love will never die”
  • “that was long ago”
  • “i used to call you my own, my dear”
  • “now you’re lost and i am drunk alone”
  • “when you said your last goodbye, i died a little bit inside”
  • “if you loved me, why’d you leave me?”
  • “our love was made for movie screens”
  • “i tried to be someone else for you”
  • “i thought that i loved you, but we weren’t love”
  • “there was something that was not there”
  • “i can sleep forever these days”
  • “i believe in anything that brings you back home to me”
  • “there is no distraction to mask what is real”
  • “now you’ll be missing from the photographs”
  • “in my thoughts, you’re far away”
  • “i can picture you so easily”
  • “what’s gonna be left the world if you’re not in it?”
  • “every minute of every hour, i miss you more”
  • “it’s such a shame we have to see them burn”
  • “i’ve lost control of all of my senses”
  • “put me in my place”
  • “i can’t help but think of you”
  • “it’s always been just you and me”
  • “and i’ll hold in these hands all that remains”
  • “i don’t want to rest in peace, i’d rather be the ghost that annoys you”
  • “hold me in your arms”
  • “don’t listen to your friends, they only care once in a while”
  • “it’s pulling me back”
  • “when you go home, everything looks different”
  • “i wish you would tell me how you really feel”
  • “when you leave me, you take away everything”
  • “that’s not our deal”
  • “i want you so much”
  • “i want to go back to the first time, the first place”
  • “my heart is open like a door, but i don’t trust you like before”
  • “you came and took me by surprise”
  • “maybe one day you’ll be the one, but until then…”
  • “now i’m fucked up and i’m missing you”
  • “please just look me in my face and tell me everything’s okay”
  • “i’ll never be like you”
  • “absolve me of my sins, won’t you?”
  • “it hurts me everytime i see you”
  • “i hate that i love you”
  • “you want her, you need her, and i’ll never be her”
  • “do you miss me like i miss you?”
  • “wedding bells were just alarms”
  • “you said you wouldn’t but you fucking did”
  • “i guess this is moving on”
  • “you don’t care, you never did”
  • “you don’t give a damn about me”
  • “you’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope”
  • “if you’re looking for love, know that love don’t live here anymore”
  • “i don’t want to see you go, i just want to see you smile”
  • “tell me that now is not the end”
  • “if you’re trying to find pity, then you need to look somewhere else”
  • “i’m a first class let down”
  • “how did it come to this?”
  • “love is a polaroid- better in picture but never can fill the void”
  • “if it’s broken then it can be fixed”
  • “all you need is time”
  • “we promised the world we’d tame it”
  • “i wonder what keeps us so high up”
  • “could there be a love beneath these wings?”

tøp lyrics that break my heart

rain down and destroy me

I don’t know if I am dying or living

we had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day

he pretends he’s okay but you should see him in bed, late at night, he’s petrified

it’s time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine.

what have I become? I’m sorry.

ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again

one half of my heart is free/the other half of my heart’s asleep

I have committed dirty dirty crimes

you would do almost anything just to feel free, am I right?

the windowsill looks really nice, right?

I’m forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real

am I screaming to an empty sky?

we’re going too fast, fast, save us now!

you’re not who you’re supposed to be. this is not what you’re supposed to see

my treehouse is on fire and for some reason I smell gas on my hands

I will fear the night again, I hope I’m not my only friend.

on my enemies I wouldn’t wish who I was

I’d live for you and that’s hard to do, even harder to say when you know it’s not true

shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

I look outside, see a whole world better off without me in it, trying to transform it

I want to be known by you.

Better This Way (Chap Fourteen)

Only one chapter left after this!
Long Chapter again, almost 4000 words. Some light angst, some heavy feels and then some nice bonding smut. Holla!
Can’t wait to hear what you guys think!



It was different now.

For obvious reasons, Wade supposed. Like the fact that almost every morning when the sky was just beginning to lighten and he and Spidey were done with patrol and heading for their usual rooftop with some food, Peter always gave him a kiss as thanks. Or how as they escaped down an alley after leaving bad guys for the cops, and he could reach over and take Peter’s hand.

Or the best, skipping their usual roof completely and taking the food back to one of their places to eat it in bed together.

Peter was always in a rush to get undressed, in a hurry to get his hands on Wade, and more times than not the food got cold and had to be reheated hours later after they had tried their hardest to make each other scream and then passed out together.

It was wonderful, but it was different.

It seemed like Peter was distracted now, and even though Wade knew ninety five percent of the time he was the reason Pete was distracted, it was the other five percent that ate at him.

He had brought it up, a couple times, first about a week after the helicopter incident and then a few days later. Both times, Peter had laughed. Just chuckled and dragged Wade in for a mind-blanking kiss and teased that he couldn’t possibly have anything else on his mind besides Wade, because the Alpha was too high maintenance to leave room for anyone else.

It wasn’t until later, after Peter had fallen asleep in his arms that Wade realized the omega had said anyone else.

Keep reading

The Slow Flood

You ever feel like there are times in this world when the law of attraction is happening without your knowledge and using its pull on things you aren’t trying to focus on?

Since the start of this year, it seems like there’s been a very freaky “slow flood” of what can’t be called anything other than revelation cringe. And every time some fresh hell arrives and pulls off its mask to show me the ugly face it’s been hiding for years, some form of media bursts onscene a moment later to give me a shocking artistic parallel to the story I’m seeing in life. I turn away from the new revelation to catch my breath, try to walk away from what I know for a second, distract myself with some media, and suddenly I’m looking into a real black mirror.

Art has been imitating life for a bit, now, and life keeps pushing some top-notch cringe or shock material in front of me when I’m just getting comfortable.

I know things about some stuff I shouldn’t know that’s kind of hilarious, sad and horrible. I’m also one of many thousands of people lately who are now aware of something awful that had been going on for years that’s a real gut-puncher. I’m part of a few groups who know things that are very tough pills to swallow.

The list of things that make me feel like ignorance is bliss just keeps growing. The Lasagna Cat discoveries were just one hit in a succession of crazy moments witnessing the true form of some gross truths.

And tonight, studying the next CFD entry and seeing who was behind it, their behavior, and understanding all too well what I’m looking at now, it just gets worse. I’m talking early Chris-Chan levels of embarrassing.

Part of me hopes it will stop. The other part, morbidly curious as ever, wants to keep seeing the secret sickness in people who were fronting like they’ve been sane all along. Every revelation is now a new horror story that’s written itself–just adapt it with new names, locations, and certain changes to protect the guilty while still informing the innocent.

I live for this kind of thing in fiction. I don’t expect it in reality.

Who’s next? What kind of crazy “I need a shower to wash the dirt off my BRAIN” revelation is going to come to me next?

Signs as deep TØP lyrics

Aries: The ghost of you is close to me, I’m inside- out

Taurus: You’re dead, ‘Cause how could you sleep at a time like this

Gemini: I ain’t the same, And my name became, A new destiny to the grave

Cancer: Get up 'Cause the world has left you lying on the ground

Leo: It will not let me sleep, guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Virgo: Don’t wanna give you all my pieces, don’t wanna hand you all my troubles

Libra: We’re all diseased, you hold the key

Scorpio: Take the pain, ignite it, Tie a noose around your mind

Sagittarius: No one else is dealing with your demons

Capricorn:No one looks up anymore

Aquarius: There is no distraction to mask what is real

Pisces: I put socks on my feet, just so that my soul won’t fall through my toes

Twenty One Pilots — Vessel Album  {Sentence Starters}

  • “I’m insignificant.“
  • “I’m trying to sleep.”
  • “We’re broken people.”
  • “Thank God it’s Friday.”
  • “Will you take care of me?“
  • “Sometimes quiet is violent.”
  • “Am I right? Of course I am.”
  • “Do I threaten all your plans?“
  • “I can’t take them on my own.”
  • “Stay alive… stay alive for me.”
  • “Fight it. Take the pain, ignite it.”
  • “I swear I heard demons yelling.”
  • “I asked forgiveness three times.”
  • “But, tonight, I’ll need you to stay.”
  • “Don’t know why I think I could lie.”
  • “Some see a pen, I see a harpoon.“
  • “I must’ve forgot, you can’t trust me.”
  • “I kind of like it when I make you cry.”
  • “Yeah, you’re the only one who knows it.”
  • “You say I’m not alone, but I am petrified.”
  • “Please tell them you have no plans for me.“
  • “'Cause I’m twisted up. I’m twisted up inside.”
  • “I will make you queen of everything you see.”
  • “Why it’s got to be like this? Is this living free?”
  • “And I have news for you: you must obey me.“
  • “I don’t know why they always seem so dismal.”
  • “Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here.”
  • “You should take my life, you should take my soul.”
  • “'Cause sometimes to stay alive, you gotta kill your mind.”
  • “I have killed a man and all I know is I am on the run and go.”
  • “We’ll make pretend that you and me lived ever after, happily.”
  • “Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.”
  • “I’m pleading please, oh please, on my knees repeatedly asking!”
  • “Don’t wanna hand you all my trouble. Don’t wanna give you all my demons.”
  • “I’m forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real.”
  • “While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life.”
A Commutual Contract

After a terrifying experience during which Lance, seemingly, dies, Keith is haunted by horrible nightmares of holding his comrade in his arms while he took his final breath. To the point where he can’t sleep unless he knows for absolute certain that Lance is alive.

And while the attention is surprising, Lance doesn’t really have a problem with Keith checking up on him. Or the fact that Keith only seems totally comforted when he can cuddle Lance close and hear his heart beat. After all, there’s nothing wrong with two bros cuddling. It doesn’t MEAN anything. Or, at least, that’s what Lance keeps telling himself.

Chapter 11

He wasn’t panicking. Keith, the red paladin and right arm of Voltron, did not “panic.” He was relatively distressed, however. And somewhat shaky on his feet as he made his way down the hall. He eventually had to pause to take a few steadying breaths, his hand going to the wall for support as his legs trembled.

He kind of wanted to sit down, but was too anxious to do so. His whole body was hot, and abuzz with sparking nerves. He could still feel Lance’s hot breath on his face and the sensation of his hips rolling against Keith’s own. The whole thing actually had Keith relatively nauseous, though not in disgust. Mostly because it was just… too overwhelming.

Pushing himself further down the hall, he kept walking, afraid that if he stood too long, he’d end up tumbling to the floor.

Lance’s performance had shocked him, needless to say. It was like he’d been dreaming, because that was the only way such a fantasy would have ever come to fruition. Yet, knowing that he hadn’t been—that Lance acting that way toward him had been reality—had him reeling in the same way a nightmare might have left him. His heart beat fast, sweat covered his skin, and his thoughts were running too quickly to temper.

It was only once he’d wandered the halls long enough to cool down that he was able to get his head on straight. He had to stay grounded, after all.

Otherwise, Lance was getting exactly what he wanted.

Keith wasn’t stupid, after all. Especially not when it came to Lance’s behavior as of late. Whether there’d been anything sincere in Lance’s performance or not, it was intended to be a distraction. Just like every mask he wore and every forced joke that left his lips. Even if Lance did… want those kinds of things from Keith, he was using that fact to try and sidetrack them both from the real problem. Neither of them were in any position to be trying to introduce that kind of thing into their relationship, not after the morning they’d had and the stubborn lack of communication between them (mostly on Lance’s end).

No, Keith wasn’t a people person, but he’d spent enough time with Lance as of late to know this for certain. And, yes, it did… hurt. Either Lance knew Keith had feelings for him and was using that fact to his advantage (which Keith wanted to believe he’d never do, as he’d said), or he was using mutual feelings to do the same thing. Which wasn’t much better.

Following their morning argument, it was too much of a one-eighty to assume Lance’s reasons for acting as he had were innocently intended. He was avoiding the problems between them by trying to force Keith’s attention elsewhere. And if it weren’t for the fact that Keith had spent nearly the whole day pondering his situation with Lance, it might have worked.

After all, he’d much prefer to drag Lance off somewhere private and continue down whatever path Bruno Mars wanted them to go, but it just… wasn’t a good idea. Which was such a foreign notion to Keith. Honestly, if it’d been any other day, he probably would have taken advantage of the opportunity to physical wreck Lance. But after that morning…

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the signs as twenty one pilots lyrics

aries: I don’t want your way, I want mine. I’m dying and I’m trying, but believe me, I’m fine

taurus: I know who I truly am, I truly do have a chance, tomorrow I’ll switch the beat, to avoid yesterday’s dance

gemini: I’ve got two faces; blurry’s the one I’m not

cancer: listen, I know, this one’s a contradiction because of how happy it sounds, but the lyrics are so down

leo: I don’t wanna be heard, I want to be listened to 

virgo: you don’t know my brain the way you know my name; you don’t know my heart the way you know my face 

libra: I’m trying, I’m trying to sleep, but I can’t, but I can’t, when you all have guns for hands

scorpio: I know my soul’s freezing, hell’s hot for good reason

sagittarius: domingo en fuego, I think I lost my halo

capricorn:  I hate this car that I’m driving, there’s no hiding for me, I’m forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real

aquarius: you fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time, but that’s okay I’ll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine

pisces: I wasn’t raised in the hood, but I know a thing or two about pain and darkness


Anon requested: For a chubby self conscious reader being teased for being fat and they say no one could pick her up but Gadreel over hears (she lives w/ the Winchesters) and gadreel picks her up so easy and snirks at the dickheads. And walks back to Dean.

A/N: I’ve never written Gadreel before: he’s probably horribly ooc, but I’m satisfied with the result. And anon, I hope I didn’t butcher your request too much: I kinda ran amok with it… And I hope you wanted a Gadreel x reader, because that’s what I wrote.

Let me know what you think. I thrive on feedback. Also, let me know if you want me to tag you in future stories :)

Word count: 3564

The hunt was over. Fucking finally!! After three gruelling weeks, night upon sleepless night of research, and one face palming epiphany, the three of you had reversed the curse that had turned the whole town into mindless zombies more or less.

Of course, Gadreel had helped you out. He spent most of his days in the bunker or on the road with you anyway.

At first, Sam and Dean, but especially Sam, had been super uncomfortable, but the angel had apologised and apologised, doing his best to earn forgiveness. Eventually the Winchesters had grown used to him being there, and you suspected they even began to enjoy his company.

This made you very happy. The angel had grown on you too, and after a few months you realised that you had developed a teensy crush on him. All right. It wasn’t a tiny one: maybe you’d even go so far as to say you were in love – and although you’d never say it out loud, Dean had asked you why you were always humming “that song from Hercules”.

Keep reading

5 Things (5/30/17)

1. I’m in Cinque Terre right now. Kelly is off on a hike and I’m laying low in our little B&B, reading, and wondering if I’ll even leave the room today. We’ve been traveling all over this country since May 19th, nearly non-stop. I’m exhausted. I’m in love with this area, much more than Rome and La Val, but only slightly more than Florence. I don’t know whether I want to walk to the top of a hill and revisit the cemetery, walk to the beach and sit in front of the water for the rest of the day, or stay right where I am, reading, listening to birdsong. None of these are bad choices. These are all privileged choices. And I kind of wish I could forget that, just for a moment.

I had a small crying fit on our third night in Italy. Right after dinner, we returned to our room and I started weeping almost immediately. Here’s something you should know: I am not great at taking vacations. Not real ones anyway. In fact, most of what I have traditionally called “vacations” are actually dutiful trips back home to Indiana in which I am pulled in a million different directions to visit a million different friends and family members, and inevitably end up disappointing a third of them with my lack of time to come through or my lack of mental presence when I do. Even vacations with Kel’s family, while amazing and usually unlike anything I’ve ever done with my own family, can be emotionally exhausting for someone like me. Someone who likes quiet, and long lazy afternoons. However, what those “vacations” provided me in spades were new experiences and distraction. This is why my current vacation made me cry. I’ve taken a real break. I’m really only doing what I want to do, and I’m doing it with my favorite person. But there is no consistent distraction. I am forced to feel, without having to wear the mask of self-containment or confidence. I get the long and lazy afternoons I wanted, and my mind fills them with all the thoughts, fears, and insecurities I’ve been distracting myself from for months. Maybe years. Go figure.

2. Kelly proposed the weekend before we left. I said yes, of course. He’d planned on proposing the day before the trip, but the combination of his own excitement and my over dinner confession that at times I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person who gets to be loved unconditionally, not for very long anyway, inspired him to ask me to marry him that same night. We’d talked about getting married before. I knew it was coming soon. Kelly is really bad at not being obvious about having a happy secret. I thought he might do it while we were in Italy. I was excited. Even if I couldn’t convince myself that I, as I am, could be loved unconditionally, I was certain I’d let him try. I’ve been certain about that for a long time. Because he already knew I’d want to pick my own engagement ring, he bought us matching Avengers novelty rings with green gamma ray insignia. We’re both huge fans of Marvel, and particularly The Hulk. It was perfect. He’s amazing.

I never thought I’d be significantly excited to be engaged. It just seemed like a small and barely necessary step to doing the real work of being married and building a life with someone. I am startled by my excitement. I am shocked by my desire to have a wedding day, even if I still want it to be one that looks like us, without too much fanfare or traditional happenings. I’ve been poring over four issues of the wedding magazine Catalyst, a gift from our family-friends Angel & Shira, and soaking up every idea that looks like something we would do if we were just throwing a party without the added pressure of an impending marriage. It’s the only magazine I’ve found that seems relevant to me, and my style. I can’t believe I’m reading wedding magazine that applies to my life. I can’t believe that thinking about my wedding day makes me smile so hard it becomes hard for me to stop. I can’t believe that my father will see me get married and my grandmother won’t. But Kelly is a constant. He is my constant. I am so excited–and so ready–to marry him.

3. This is my first time writing anything since we’ve been on this trip. I needed the break. And now, my head is spinning with ideas about what I want to do next. In my book, in my screenplay, for my job…there is so much I have to look forward to when I get back. And I am looking forward to it all.

4. My doctor is encouraging me to try a very specific diet to combat the symptoms of my PCOS. Part of me is willing to try anything. The other part of me is skeptical. Very skeptical. One of signs of the diet working would be me losing weight. A lot of weight. I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life due to callous commentary from people who loved me and just the general poison of societal standards of beauty. Typical stuff. But I’m feeling good about the way my body looks most of the time now. I don’t want to go back to judging myself harshly over the number on the scale. I just don’t need that shit. I also don’t want to be unhealthy. I’m going to try the diet. I might lose weight. And I’m going to cross my fingers that no one assumes I’m doing it for the wedding. Because I’m not, and I wouldn’t.

Seriously. If I lose a bunch of weight before this wedding, know that it had nothing to do with wanting to a look thinner on a “special day” and it had everything to do with my blood sugar, and reproductive health. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, the idea that someone might assume I lost weight to fit into a wedding dress or look good in pictures, but it does. That’s probably silly. But like…is it? I’ve watched friends over the past few years lose weight for a myriad of reasons, mostly health related. They’re sick and their bodies are suffering and the world is telling them how amazing they look, and it turns my stomach. I remember losing weight because I was depressed and once because I was so poor I was eating a half a sandwich twice a day with bread and meat I stole from my roommates and hoped they wouldn’t notice, even though they would have given them to me without hesitation. They were good guys. But I was embarrassed. Everyone was commenting on how good I looked, and I was eating so little I couldn’t even make a bowel movement every day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to be healthy, but I don’t want to fear my fat the way the rest of the world seems to. I don’t want to think it’s good or normal to want to be thin at all costs, especially when the cost is your mental or physical health. I don’t want to think that wearing a bikini, even if I’m self-conscious about it, is brave. Maybe it is, but it shouldn’t be. It should just be a thing I wore. And feeling comfortable in my body shouldn’t have to be such a struggle because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me correctly. And I’m a size 16! Imagine what it’s like for a woman who is a size 20 or 28 or larger? I would like to be able to just be in my body without fearing how the world will react to my size. That is wishful thinking, I know. But I still wish.

5. We both cried when he proposed. He started, and I soon followed. This is the first time I’ve been in a relationship where I am not the emotional lead. Kelly grew up in a home of emotional safety. He could talk to his parents about anything, and often did. When he was being bullied at school, when he was falling in love, when he was angry with them, when he was excited about something new he’d learned, when he was afraid…everything. It is not that he hasn’t known emotional pain. He certainly has. But he has always had this emotional safety net in them, this freedom to be exactly as he is, and express exactly how he feels.
In my home, there was no such freedom. I am still sitting in therapy once a week unraveling all the ways my current emotional obstacles sprouted from a childhood where my mother’s anger ruled her household and my heart.

While we were staying in a hotel in the Dolomite mountains, Kelly asked me what I’d like to do, what did I find fun on vacation? And I told him I didn’t really know. I didn’t grow up in a house where I was asked what would be fun for me or what would I enjoy doing. Sometimes fun things happened, sometimes we went to fun places, and whether I liked it or not was irrelevant. I had to appreciate it. And so, I’ve grown into an adult who knows how to appreciate most things, and few ideas what she would do to have fun intentionally. For many years, this felt like a superpower. Did I want to go to this movie or that one? Didn’t matter. I could appreciate both. Did I want to eat here or there? Read this book or that book? Go to this bar or that one? It rarely mattered. I was, and still can be, ambivalent to the point of invisibility. Now, when I don’t like something, I say so. And when I really really do, I really say so. But those strong opinions are far and few between. I am playing catch up. There’s still so much I don’t know about what I want.

Several years ago, when Kelly flew from Seattle to Indianapolis, showed up on my doorstep and kissed me, I didn’t know what I wanted. A few days later, when he told me he loved me in front of my favorite tree, and had for a long time, I didn’t know what I wanted. Each time, his certainty made me feel safe enough to try to figure out what I wanted. That’s something he’s always given me: room to figure out how I feel. For him, this is second nature. He has always been given room to figure out how he feels. This was his parent’s gift to him, this soft place to land. Today, he gives me the same gift. He encourages me to continue to appreciate everything, but know what I prefer, and go after it as wildly as I wish. My love for Kelly has never been about how he keeps me close, as much as it has been about how he encourages me to fly out and away in the direction of my heart’s deepest desires. Especially the ones I learned to bury in my childhood. Especially the ones that scare me. I can not explain to you how good it feels to want what I want, to know what I want, and to finally have a home that is also a soft place to land.

Capricorn- Twenty One Pilots
  • Capricorn Sun & Aries Moon: Heavy Dirty Soul // "This doesn't mean I lost my dream, it's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean"
  • Capricorn Sun & Taurus Moon: We Don't Believe What's On Tv // "I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here"
  • Capricorn Sun & Gemini Moon: Kitchen Sink // "Think things on the brink of blasphemy, I'm my own shrink, think things are after me, my catastrophe, I'm a kitchen sink"
  • Capricorn Sun & Cancer Moon: Ride // "We have a list of people that we would take a bullet for them, a bullet for you"
  • Capricorn Sun & Leo Moon: Polarize // "I wanted to be a better brother, better son, wanted to be a better adversary"
  • Capricorn Sun & Virgo Moon: Stressed Out // "I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I'm insecure and I care what people think"
  • Capricorn Sun & Libra Moon: Fairly Local // "I truly do have a chance, I’ll switch the beat to avoid yesterday’s dance"
  • Capricorn Sun & Scorpio Moon: Car Radio // "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there's no distraction to mask what is real"
  • Capricorn Sun & Sagittarius Moon: Lane Boy // "They say stay in your lane, boy. but we go where we want to"
  • Capricorn Sun & Capricorn Moon: Ode To Sleep // "You have no plans for me, I will set my soul on fire, what have I become?"
  • Capricorn Sun & Aquarius Moon: Holding On To You // "Fight it, take the pain, ignite it, tie a noose around your mind"
  • Capricorn Sun & Pisces Moon: Forest // "I don't know why I feed on emotion, there's a stomach inside my brain"

Car Radio

I ponder of something great/ my lungs will fill and then deflate/ they fill with fire, exhale desire/ I know it’s dire, my time today/ I have these thoughts so often I ought/ to replace that slot with what I once bought/ cause somebody stole my car radio, and now I just sit in silence/ sometimes quiet is violence.

Quiet is violence.

Without the beat of a song, or lyrical impact it owns… The deafening sound of silence would force me to befriend the bullet that leaves the hole in my skull. That’s a fact. Quiet is violent.

I could pull the steering wheel.

Or maybe stop on the tracks where my train of thought would crash into me, and then… Nothing. I could jump off the height of a bridge, but the sound of music yanks me back like a bungee cord, if only it were around my neck instead.

I’m forced to deal with what I feel.

I’m tired.

Tired of waking up everyday next to the empty side of this bed built for two. I’m tired empty promises filled with lies, but mostly… I’m just tired of life.

There is no distraction to mask what is real.

After the sound stops, and the music dies… So do I, a little more inside. Those little thoughts become the only thing I can hear, they scream in my silence. JUMP


I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate, they fill with fire, exhale desire. Then, I know it’s dire, my time today.

Song: Car Radio - Twenty One Pilots

I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I’m driving
There’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real

I could pull the steering wheel.

car radio// vessel  


Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve
My skin will scream reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I’m driving
There’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheelI have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
‘Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence