This weekend has been hard, you guys. My boyfriend - or I suppose ex now - decided that it would all end right before our third year together. I’ve gone through so many emotions of extreme downs to being angry to simply feeling helpless in what was happening in my life.
And I know compared to others lives, this is nothing, this is simply a small bump in the road. And when I think about it in the long run of things, I know that to be true. I know that in the end I’m going to turn out fine. But, right now, the entire future I had built for myself has crashed to the ground without any warning.
I tired one last time to salvage everything this morning. A mission I knew I would walk away from without winning, but it needed to be done. And I suppose to help me process it better, I put it here.
I’m sorry to be dumbing my feelings here, but I figure it anyone might benefit from what I’m going through, it’s the readers who might feel something while reading it.
Enjoy? I guess?
“Are you okay?”
The instant anger that arose from that question within their chest from that question hurt more than they had expected. The tears were already blurring their vision as they turned on Oikawa:
“No!” they choked around their tightening throat, taking in the way he recoiled, his hand rising to reach and grip at his bicep. “I’m not okay,” they continued despite the openly terrified expression that touched at his features, “you were unfair in your decision. A decision you had no right to make for me out of nowhere. It wasn’t right and I’m not okay.”
And, god, were they not. They knew that now staring at him, staring at those brown eyes that mirrored their own in his emotions. This was not something he wanted and it was all the worse for it.
“Now, I deserve answers,” they forced themselves to meet with his eyes, to make him look at them - really look at them - when he explained himself, “I want to know when you started thinking this way and why you never came to talk to me about it.”
Because everything had been so perfect. Their plans for their anniversary were still being made, they had been making reservations for their vacation, and just the weekend before he had made love to them before whispered sweet ‘I love you’s as they drifted to sleep. There had been no signs between that moment and the next when he decided for them that he was going to let them go. That it was for them, that it was the right thing.
“About a month ago,” the words felt like ice pouring over their skin. A whole month of doubt and not a single mention of it. An entire month of pretend. “And I should’ve talked to you,” Oikawa admitted, his shoulders hunching, his voice small, “but I was scared that if we had that conversation everything would be over.”
Their chin trembled, “That’s not fair. Couples talk about these things, not make the choice because they think they know what’s best.” Oikawa couldn’t decide this for them. It was their choice on whether they were willing to wait for him to be ready; they were fine with how they were now - happy, in fact - and they didn’t need anything else right now.
“I know,” he whispered, his age falling to their feet. They watched the first tears of too many drip from his eyes. It was harder, they thought, far harder for him to feel so much about this.
A moment was needed, for composure to be collected. Because they has things to say, they had points that they needed to make. They weren’t going to let him have the last say, wasn’t going to let him leave without them getting their thoughts in. “I was fine without moving in together,” they started, their hands rising desperate for something to do with them, “and I’m not saying that as a way to salvage this or anything, I really was. I have goals and you have goals and I was fine working on ourselves independently as we were–”
“It’s not just that,” he spoke, his eyes red as he met with their own, “I’m not there. I’m just not and I can’t tell you why. I can’t tell you that I’ll marry you tomorrow or that I want to move in with you because I can’t promise you something I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever give you.”
“But you don’t know how you’ll feel in the next few years, you just don’t!”
“But when it comes down to it, you’re there,” Oikawa’s voice broke as he reached out, hand dropping before he could take hold of theirs, “you’re there and I’m not. And you don’t deserve to be dragged along by me just because it’s comforting to me. It’s not fair to you because you deserve someone that can give those things to you.”
It hurt. It hurt so bad because it made sense. It made so much sense and they didn’t want it to. They didn’t want it be that rational. They wanted for their love for each other to be enough and to fight through it. There were so many things they wanted and with no way of obtaining. All they really knew was that it hurt.
They took a shuddering breath, their eyes falling closed as tears dripped down their cheeks. “I didn’t come here to change your mind,” they heard him release a sob at those words, “because I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I just… I couldn’t let you walk away without getting my own say in. I wasn’t going to let you speak for me.” But they couldn’t make him stay as much as they wanted either.
He knew, he thanked them for it, said they were right. He said he was sorry, said he loved them - probably always will - and how he hoped he could have them in his future if they chose. All the words that created a terrible twisting within their gut as they walked to that door.
And then they were holding each other, tears falling to shoulders and fingers digging into locks of hair. It would be the last time, the last time they were ever so close. They tried to burn the dips of his back, the curve of his shoulders into their mind. Tried to memorize the way his hands wrapped so tightly around their waist, tried to focus on the heat of his body that they would never feel again.
They went to pull away then, their mouth finding his despite any rational thought that told them otherwise. He kissed back instantly, his hands rising cup their face between them so tenderly, so desperately to stay exactly as they were.
A sob rising from their chest broke them apart, their gaze unable to meet with his own as his fingers slipped away for the last time. “I should go, I’m just gonnna go,” but they weren’t moving, couldn’t bring themselves to, “I need to go. I should go.”
“I love you,” he choked, his hands falling away as they stepped back, turning away from him to focus on the concrete below, “I do.”
And they left, leaving behind a future they thought that was forever. Sobs racked their body as they went, their body desperate to return to those arms they were walking away from. Because they loved him too; surely always will.
so stubborn is incredible. A hot head. She knows what she wants and she'll get it. Yells a lot. Cares a lot about her family. Very concerned about her diet. She looks like a cinnamon roll but is a beast inside.
Aries male :
very intelligent, probably the most intelligent. Can either have a very scientific mind or a very literary mind. Loves to read. LOVES to make puns. Horrible ones. Has the biggest laugh.
MY BIGGEST LOVE. Literally the cutest thing. She is so smart and caring and it's true: she loves to eat. Cares so much about everyone, not only her close friends. She almost never get angry but when she does. Ouch.
a cutie. Always ready to cheer you up. DOES NOT. BELIEVE. IN. ASTROLOGY. Likes scientific shit. Loves old movies. Always laughs at your jokes. The best friend you can find. Loves Shrek.
so strong and independent. Her hair is always on point, so is her outfit. Either very tall or very short. They talk a lot and they love listening to you. Geminis are actually very lovable people. Best companion for a boring class or for lunch break.
very bold and confident about himself. Does his own thing. It's not that he is a dick, it's just that he has his own problems to take care of. Except Trump, Trumps is really a dick. Im sorry Geminis that he is in your sign. The cool guy of the class who has a different girl every week. A lil fuckboy but fun to have a chat with. Loves videogames and perfect pal to get drunk with.
not a crybaby. Actually HATES to cry in public. More often than you think, very extroverted. Very passionate about what she loves. High ambitions, starts many things and then get bored. So many puns oh god.
oh boy. "Nightmare dressed as a daydream". Makes you feel so special. Boyfriend material. Usually dark hair and dark eyes. Not very tall. Adorable. Special laugh. Will do great things in life. Very creative but kinda introvert(?) WILL RATHER DIE THAN CRY IN PUBLIC.
very close about her private things but she will open up if you demonstrate her she can trust you. Loves everyone. Not that confident about herself. Very confident about the world, tho. Wants to move someplace else and experience. People respect her.
Stonehead™. Literally smokes all the time to forget about the pain he feels. Hides emotions and then explodes, usually with rage. Either very close to you that he calls you every day, or he'll completely ignore you. Smart even tho it doesn't look like. The lonely wolf.
so stubborn and independent. She knows what she wants and she'll get it. Can get very clingy to the people she loves but sometimes neglect other people she loves even tho she doesn't notice. Get mad easily for the little things. The queen. Just listen to her, she knows the shit.
cute but doesn't have his own personality. Sometimes gets involved in ugly companies and does things he doesn't want to. Very sensitive but tries to hide it. Actually cares about you even tho he wants to appear a tough boy. Pretends he doesn't care about school, ends up with all A. Probably very good at soccer.
becomes part of your family if she isn't already. Amazing lipsticks. Always has great stories to tell. Lives in the clouds. Forgets about things easily but won't forget the important things. Has so many passions but get easily distracted when she is studying for an exam. Perfect person to binge watch Sherlock with.
my everything. Pretends he's a gryffindor but deep down is a slytherin. Stunning. Gets high grade without doing shit. The teacher favorite. The one you can do stupid shit with. Will do anything for you. Listens to you 24/7. Loves tv shows. Very smart. Will probably end up doing something very important. Perfect dad.
actually very sweet and caring, as much as cancer. Never shows off her emotions but you'll know when she cares about you. She's like a mama bear. She'll call you if she feels you are not happy. She'll call you constantly. Extroverted and kind. Best presents ever. Looks naive but very cautious.
ok so my ex fwb was a scorpio and i gotta say they get emotionally attached. Pretend they don't care AT ALL and then calls u at 2 in the morning telling u they love you. Just be careful cause they don't know what they want. Obsessed with electronic things and sex.
literally on fire. SHE. TALKS. SO. MUCH. I have so many different feelings about her. Either i love completely or I can't stand her. She pretends she knows everything. She's so slow at doing everything, except talking. Laughs a lot. Very sensitive deep down. So loud.
Pretty introverted. The fire is hidden. He's a freaking badass. If he cares about you, he will show you. Most likely to call you at midnight for your birthday. Very sweet. Goes big or goes home, especially in love. Both a cinnamon and a sinnamon roll. Like if he ain't in the same political party as you, just don't mention politics. That's when the fire shows.
so. she actually cares about you. but she has so much shit going on so she might forget to come at a place you invited her, she won't even apologize but when something happens to you, be sure she'll call. She's absolutely cute and she has been hurt so many times so it's hard for her to trust people completely.
THE FUCKING FANBOY. He loves to travel and to try new things. He is so shy but with his friends he's crazy. Laughs at his own jokes. Extremely sensitive and when he loves, he loves hard. So intelligent and interesting. Absolutely adorable.
the sweetest. she gets clingy to everyone but because she wants to have friends and do things and has a lot of problems but holds everything in and puts her friends first and she's hurt. The most precious human. She needs, she deserves to be loved the most. Learns very quickly and she's very honest.
the devil™. Actually he is funny, like so many jokes, but sometimes it's just too much. He hates when people offend him. Gets on the defensive. Kinda selfish and cares a lot about like 3 people (?). Like he will kill for them. So much drama, boy. Probably failed history and algebra 2 twice.
such a badass and a cutiepie at the same time i don't even know how this is possible. she has such a strong personality and loves her friends. Determined and will fight with her teeth for what she loves. You need to have a pisces in your life. She always says she will kill a person but then she just like run away.
like just like the pisces female. Cares so much about his family and shows his emotions easily, whether is anger or sadness or happiness. Determined but also insecure about himself, but will do great things.
michelle starts to get buddy buddy with ned and peter, ish.
starts to actually kind of like ned, even if he sometimes puts his foot in his
mouth sometimes. but they argue about the merits of comic books as a form of
literature and he teaches her some words in tagalog and she learns how to call
peter a son of a bitch so she’s pretty entertained.
the weird things just keep piling up with peter.
rushes off at random times, freezes whenever she asks him where he’s going,
shows up to school with cuts and bruises looking like he’s been fighting in an
underground boxing ring. she even saw him go into the chemistry lab the other
day at lunch time even though they both took chemistry last year and he’s
taking biology now.
just does really weird things sometimes and michelle can’t help but notice.
also can’t help but notice that spiderman is becoming more and more popular. people
sell t-shrits, masks, shot glasses, tote bags. everything, basically. and maybe
one day michelle might spend a little too much time looking at a t-shirt with a
picture of spiderman in all his toned, muscly glory. but she just shakes her
head and keeps moving.
gets curious about him, though. where did he come from? who is he? why is he
doing this? why did he sound oddly familiar in DC when he saved her friends?
then one day she’s walking home from school after academic decathlon and she
missed the bus which is totally her fault for staying later after practice to
chat with peter and ned about the upcoming weekend and how their plans to
construct a lego version of the starship enterprise were so utterly boring she
could barely stand to listen to them. (and weren’t people supposed to choose
star wars or star trek? was that not
a thing? not that she cares about
things peter likes. well, peter AND ned. anyway.)
turning a corner when she sees someone out of the corner of her eyes. there is
a man on the opposite side of the street walking several yards back from here. it
could be nothing. but she’s also been taught to always be on high alert. so she
grips her backpack to her body a bit tighter and walks a little faster down the
street, cursing herself for not taking the more populated albeit slightly
longer route home.
continues down the street when she notices the man cross the street so that he’s
on the same side of the road as she and at that point she just starts running. better
that he thinks she’s odd if he isn’t following her than be caught if he is
trying to catch her. she sprints down the street and turns another corner as
she looks back to check if the man is following her and then bam. she’s on the
ground, gripping the shoulder that practically crashed into a brick wall.
my goodness, are you okay?” she sighs and looks at the owner of the panicked
voice and she is left speechless. it’s…well, it’s spiderman.
Y'all realize you can dislike something/someone just cause it doesn’t vibe with you, right? Like doing 726382847282377 hours of research to make things look problematic and telling other people that they’re bad for liking it isn’t necessary at all
i love you because you're fiercely, genuinely, mercilessly yourself. with a whip-sharp tongue and bright eyes, you are all i admire and all i ever want to be. you say what's on my mind - you are like part of my soul. you remind me of who i am, and i'm never more sure of myself when i'm with you.
i love you because you're so warm and soft. i am undeserving of your gentleness, your tenderness, your patience and comfort - but you offer it to me anyway. you hold me up when i'm in danger of falling down, and you make me laugh when i feel like all i'd rather do is cry. you are forever my guardian angel, and i could never be thankful enough.
i love you because you make me feel alive. it's like life comes into focus when you are around - everything is vivid, interesting, beautiful. you're like a shot of oxytocin when the darkness comes creeping in, and i could never get enough of you.
i love you because you feel like home. we may not see eye to eye, but you stand by me when i need it most. you are the rock keeping steady by my side, and there is a quiet familiarity you bring that always puts me at ease. you are my family.
i love you because you make me feel like i am the brightest star in the sky. you treat me like a princess, and your vivacity makes my heart deliriously happy no matter the circumstances. you are the light of my life, radiant and unforgettable.
i love you because you are like stable ground in the middle of an earthquake. you ground me, see into me - not past me like so many people do. you help me feel okay when things feel anything but. you are unchanging in the face of chaos, and i know i can always turn to you.
i love you because you never push me too far. i don't feel like i have to act around you - unlike others, you don't expect anything from me, and it's a freedom more relieving than words can explain. you let me be without a mask, and sometimes that's all i need.
i love you because we don't need words. i can count on you to have my back when it counts, and you understand when i need silence more than conversation. you know the importance of quiet, and i appreciate that more than you know.
i love you because you see my potential. you are my inspiration, my brilliant epiphany - you make life something fresh and new, filled with adventure and excitement. you make me believe that there is so much on the horizon. with you i could forget my problems - you are irreplaceable, my elixir like nothing else.
i love you because you try your very best. you may not be able to read my mind, but you put your entire heart and soul into doing whatever you can for me. sometimes it's not the result that counts but the effort, and you prove that to the furthest extent.
i love you because you bring me back to reality. you not only listen, but you speak, and your honesty means everything to me. you never judge me - instead, you take everything i give you and try to help me with all your heart. your dedication is unwavering, and no matter how deep under i am, you never let me drown.
i love you because you are so damned strong. you've been through so much shit, and yet i know that you'd drop everything in a second to help me. despite everything you've suffered, you still look at life like it's the best thing you've ever been given. i don't deserve your support and optimism, but you have the best heart of anyone i've ever known - and i know that somehow, it's always open for me.