then my life will truly begin


After years of growing to be ashamed of my chest, I embarked on the journey of tattooing over my scarification. That chapter of my life is finally over, and behind me forever. My chest tattoo is complete, and it’s truly a new beginning for me. All of the emotional and physical pain has paid off. I’m me again.

yoongi really was desperate to debut

he came into bighit as a rapper- an underground rapper from daegu who only performed for crowds of two and made a couple of cents off of his tracks, which came up to not even be enough to buy ramen.

and when he began training at bighit, he didn’t want to burden his parents either so he paid for everything himself by getting a part time job even though he was a busy trainee/student. sometimes he would have to make the choice between eating that day or not having enough money to pay for the bus fare and being forced to walk two hours to get to where he needed to be. he went to school with wealthy students who would get foreign-made cars for their graduation present and he would have to swallow down his jealousy after seeing them get what they wanted so easily. all of this while fighting with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and compulsion since he was eighteen years old.

yoongi came into bighit thinking that he was going to be in a hip hop group with namjoon and some of the original members of bts, but even though the group concept changed- he still stuck with it because he desperately wanted a chance to be on stage and create his own music. he learned to dance and even acted as a backdancer/mv extra for a little bit despite originally having the intentions of just being a simple rapper and even when he shattered his shoulders from an accident during his part time job as a delivery boy, he still persevered and worked hard to improve himself and prepare for debut. 

and the only point where he wanted to truly give up was when he thought that the day of his debut was never going to come. like, this man has been through so many physical/mental difficulties and changes- he literally gripped onto the thought of a chance to be on stage to survive and the only point where he wanted to give up was when he thought that he was never going to get that chance. 

I don’t know how to even put this in words and I don’t want to come across as simply using his life story for attention, but yoongi’s life is the ultimate example of hardwork and determination. I have no idea how he was able to handle all of b-free’s demeaning comments so well and I have no idea how people can say that b-free “got it right”.

and just knowing that yoongi still works himself to the bone till this day- working on his music and bringing his equipment wherever he goes ( whether it be during his vacation or on the airplane or in the waiting room) and staying in his studio until the very early morning- and still dealt with battles with his mental health and physical health  after his debut just amazes me because he never lets it show or he never lets it take him aback and somehow we still have the audacity to just label him as “lazy” and “coldhearted”.

yoongi truly is a symbol of persistence and dreams and he really is a role model for me. his lyric “though the beginning may be humble, the end will be prosperous” really did become a reality for him and it only came to him because he never gave up despite all what life threw at him. he motivates me to keep on moving forward in my life and I really do hope that all of you guys see and love him for all that he stands for.


A spread I made based on a conversation I had recently with some old school friends, when we met up for the first time in years. 

We are not the same people we were before, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing! People go through tremendous amounts of change (especially in your twenties) and I was inspired to make a spread exploring the changes people’s character traits can go through when transitioning between the stages of life.  


Sometimes aspects of our personality can get left behind entirely as we grow. This can be a good or a bad thing. Some people may learn to let go of certain anxieties and anger, while others may lose their sense of child-like wonder and enthusiasm. 


We adapt to our situations, but some things never truly go away. People may have to set aside parts of themselves to survive the huge changes life throws at us, but as priorities shift we may once again return to these parts of ourselves.


Character traits which are only just beginning to take shape. These can be formed by circumstance or self-discovery.   

✨don’t remove my caption or repost anywhere else!✨


“The one who truly lost the most by the death of Le Petit Roi was his grieving young wife. Her affection for Francis was deep and sincere. He had been her constant companion for more than a decade, and ever afterwards, though she was to be married twice more, she would always think fondly of Francis as the

     one              great               love               of             her            life                                              and               her               one            true           husband.”

 - In My End Is My Beginning: A Life of Mary Queen of Scots by James A. Mackay

I would say I’m sorry but I know I owe you so much more than that. I would write you a letter but I’m afraid you’ll see who it was from and immediately throw it away without ready rhe first line. If I could I would visit you hoping that you wouldn’t slam the door in my face. I would say i’m sorry but I don’t even know where to begin to tell you how sorry I truly am. For now I will just sit here continue staring at an empty piece of paper until I can think of words that are worth the read.
—  Tenari Ioapo // Apology to the love of my life.
Keep your head held high and let your focus remain on what you truly want. You will always be strong enough to push through. Life is not what you have, it is what you become, and who you will remain to be. Success is how far you have come from the humble beginnings and how you remain balanced, how you remain kind. Let your goals be your guide through every step of life, but make sure you never lose sight of happiness.

humble beginnings by Amy Kennedy


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We have barely spoken in a year. Although I’ve gotten over you and what you did to me I’m not sure I ever expected it to be like this. What happened to the boy that I knew because nobody can find him anymore. We agreed not to be strangers but that’s where we are and I’m assuming that’s where we will remain which in a way is kind of messed up because I showed you parts of me that nobody else has seen but then again I hid more of me than you knew. You didn’t know me and I never really knew you but I guess you just wanted to forget for her. I have no shame in remembering because I don’t let the choices that I made with you define me. Those choices allowed me to finally explore who I wanted to be and they let me learn how to love every inch of my being. So I guess erasing a memory from over a year ago shouldn’t be news. All along our journey together it was a constant waiting game. In fact all along the way I knew I could never grow to love you but I prayed that I would, and yeah we did things backwards when we knew that the world was against us just like you joked in the beginning. It’s not like you never cared because you did and everything that you gave me still remains tucked away in my closet but as the months continue to pass I pull them out of hiding and their presence doesn’t phase me anymore. You’ll truly be out of my life in five days which doesn’t seem relevant it’s just strange how quickly we grew to each other and how much faster we grew apart. So this is goodbye and this is me saying thank you for shattering who I used to be so that I could pick up myself and transform into a person I am confident and proud to be.

Do you ever just…just sit down and cry, at the goodness of people. Like your heart is breaking from gratitude and hapiness.

Yea? Yea.

Thank you, @dracota, from the absolute bottom of my heart. I really don’t know what to say except that you’ve made a hard part of my life significantly easier. Like I cannot begin to convey how much this will alter what I am able to buy, and eat with the safety of knowing it’s not been messed with or contaminated before it gets to me.

I just…thank you. Profoundly and with all the love I have in my being. Thank you.

not to be an annoying dyke but 95% of the time i see “wlw” or “sapphic” anywhere in a post, i don’t really associate these posts being for me when this language is used. i am a lesbian, and my experiences and identity can only truly be understood when talking about lesbianism. any other word, or so-called synonym, is not something i feel comfortable aligning myself with. why would i need those words, when i am a lesbian, and i solely speak of lesbian issues regarding my own life?

no hate for those women using this language as a beginning way to understand themselves and their identities. because i do think that it is beneficial, especially for those just coming to terms with their identity. but sapphic and wlw is something i will never fully relate to. to me, that would be like if i were to talk about being a bi woman as if i know what that experience is like. (and in a way, vice versa– that a non-lesbian would know exactly what it is like to be a lesbian.) i respect and value bi/lesbian solidarity so much, but i really get uncomfortable when we make assumptions about both identities, as if both are practically the same. they are not, and that’s not a bad thing either.

Literally how I became happy.

A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I’m a real person with struggles and issues and I’m not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been working on.
The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I’ve now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I’d never been on a date and truly questioned whether I’d ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you’ll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It’s just the beginning.
I honestly don’t know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn’t create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn’t that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn’t living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life.
Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up.
Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn’t work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that’s how it happened.
Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge.
What. A. Rush.
Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style… I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don’t regret doing so much but I’m glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go.
In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I’m pretty. Of course I still do but now it’s so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don’t need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you’re wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way.
Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man’s attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy.
Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That’s one thing I can think of that I’m struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I’m having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won’t try, won’t pursue, won’t say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you’ll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you’ll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days.
I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it’s faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around….. I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I’m starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I’ll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn’t exploring it much before. Now that I’m embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world.
Also I’ve noticed I’m getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you’ll probably never even meet but i’m just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it’s because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I’m growing into the baller I was born to be and it’s just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂
Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It’s funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha.
I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I’m worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal.
That’s a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you’re unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be “ready”. THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗


Today, two years ago I stuck the first needle in my leg declaring the beginning of my medical journey to manhood. Looking in the mirror, I never would’ve thought I’d ever see the best version of myself staring back at me. Testosterone has truly changed my life and I’ve been blessed to be able to live out my authentic self.

Happy Manniversary you big hunk of sexy man 👏🏽❤️ 5.14.15

Ankhseram Black Magic...

Is a curse… One which I think you’re better of not having it… This whole curse of contradiction played with them to the end… That’s why I hate it…

Mavis said out loud that she wanted Zeref to die, but deep down, she didn’t want him to die, this is her true feelings, she didn’t want him to die. YET, this curse of contradiction along with Mavis love for him was able to kill Zeref and allowed him to finally be in peace…

For Zeref,

He really wanted Mavis to live on, he didn’t want her to die at that moment, she can finally be freed from him, those were his feelings at the bottom of his heart, yet, again, this curse of contradiction along with Zeref love for her was activated and was able to kill Mavis and you can see that Zeref is in so much grief:

Like, even in the end, the curse still played with him/them. Ever since Zeref got this Ankhseram Black Magic aka ‘Curse of contradiction’, he was always alone, he can’t love nor care because if he do, they will die… So, I really can understand why Zeref chose to close off his heart and walk this path, I can understand why he would even go so far as to go back in time to rewrite history, even when I don’t agree with his actions, but I understand why he chose to because to him, it’s his only way to make things right. He can’t work together with Natsu (I wanted them to work together, to build on the brother bond) even when their enemy (being Acnologia) is one and the same, because if he does, it will awaken that ability for him to care, to love…Yes, Zeref in the end, chose this path, but it’s not a choice he would want to make if there are other options. He didn’t want to hurt Mavis or Natsu or anyone else, he’s just… looking at the bigger picture where the end justify the means, we see what he was like when he didn’t close off his heart when he was first introduced (in Tenrou Island), because of this curse, he was rejected by this world, by all living things. When he cares, when he loves, they will die… If he can actually be given that freedom to care, to love… If he didn’t have this curse, if he’s able to be freed of this curse, I really believe things will be very different. Zeref isn’t heartless to me, he’s nothing like Acnologia.

I’m really sad when I look at how much this curse bring them nothing but sadness/loneliness and how much they have suffered from it, even in the end, their honest feelings have cost them their life, but if this is what they have wanted, I’m happy that they can finally be freed from it and be happy in the end…

“An eternity of sadness is now over”

“An eternity of smiles now begin”

Smiles…. Seeing them this happy, I’m happy because they didn’t have that freedom when they were alive to truly be happy/smile without the curse getting in their way…

Lastly, I just want to say, after everything that has happened, I still really love Zeref, Mavis and Zervis on my end, and this chapter really brings me to tears…. I’m sorry if others don’t like them anymore, and that’s fine if you don’t because you’re free to feel how you feel, but for me, I’ll always, always love them. This is my honest feelings…I like the potentiality of Zervis ever since Zeref was first introduced in Tenrou Island, the resting place of Mavis. There were fanarts and crack theories back then, and I’m one of the few fans who was onboard this ship, I was happy that Mashima made my crack ship canon, and to the end, my feelings for Zervis will always be there. They are my otp in this series. Even though my love for Jerza (being my otp of otp’s) is stronger/deeper. But nonetheless, they are the reasons why I’m still reading Fairy Tail on my end.

You’ve Still Got A Chance

Pairing/Characters: Steve Rogers x Reader, Natasha Romanoff, Bucky Barnes
Warnings: Angst, the smallest bit of fluff, some deaths, blood
Summary: It’s been months since your last encounter with Steve, is there any chance you’ll take him back?
Word Count: 1.6k+
A/N: I am so overwhelmed by the amount of love and reactions from I Am Not Peggy! Because of all of that love, I started writing part two last night and just finished it off now… I wanna thank the bucky to my steve, @sickplanets for beta’ing this story, her reaction was priceless, i’m gonna insert a photo, give me a second:



Originally posted by dailyteamcap

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anonymous asked:

I like Mary. I think she's awesome. I don't see why she has to be evil.

Oh, boy, okay.

Listen you can like Mary all you want – I loved her too before the fucked up her entire story arc – but her entire arc was building up to be a villain, and a badass one that was going to go down with a fight. 

I’m REALLY not trying to be pedantic here, Nonny, but asks like this force me to pull out receipts, all of which I’m sure you’re not going to read, because who likes to be proved wrong, but I digress. I always end up sounding more harsh than I am when all I want to do is educate you on my perspective and what the narrative is teaching us.

THAT’S Why she’s a villain. When a character kills the title character of a show, they are coded as the bad guy unless they do a redemption arc that actually is a redemption.

Mary had NO redemption arc AT ALL. Even in S4, Mary is STILL manipulating and emotionally abusing Sherlock and John against each other with her fucking creepy-assed DVDs and her belittling of John in T6T. She still runs off to go do her little assassin things and still lied and manipulated everyone. And I know the argument is going to come up, but Mary’s gunshot was NOT a redemption. A redemption arc has the ex-villain doing a good deed and being genuinely sorry for their past actions. Not ONCE Mary has ever apologized for any of the shit she put everyone through. All of it was a plan, especially if she had creepy DVDs made FAIRLY RECENTLY (you can tell because of the hair style) to send out to people. Also:


That and Mary’s entire death scene was RIDICULOUS and completely contradicted EVERY rule that was established in this universe only 2 episodes prior on how characters die.

Nonny, Mary’s character arc is one I have been passionate about for many years, even before I was a Johnlocker, because her character was fascinating to me, and helped me understand the psychology and make sense of events that were happening in my life at the time. Right up until TAB, Mary was being coded as the next Moriarty. For some reason or another, Mofftiss decided to turn her into an “assassin with an heart of gold” and failed spectacularly.

If Mary truly was good, she WOULD HAVE TOLD JOHN FROM THE BEGINNING WHO SHE WAS, OR AT LEAST TOLD SHERLOCK SHE NEEDED HELP. HLV would have not played out as it did. Instead deciding that killing Sherlock was her only option so that she could continue to manipulate John, since she knew he was most malleable when he was grieving Sherlock.

You can read Mary’s character however you want, I could care less… well okay apparently I do because of this reply… But please, seriously consider that what became of her character really made no goddamned sense to the narrative arc the built for her and quite frankly really lazy writing. Just because she is a woman, doesn’t mean that she is nice and sweet and not abusive. Excusing her of her brand of emotional abuse and manipulation is really sexist.

People thought my mother was a nice person, too.

Humans are Weird

I’ve been following the human are weird tag for a couple of weeks now and decided to through my two cents in
What if in the beginning when we’ve discovered other intelligent life we were so eager to get to know them and work with them that we even we became protective of our otherworldly coworkers because as a species we were utterly alone for so long and it scared us that we might even die never truly knowing if there was other life. It was scary to think we might die alone. Now we have friends we can actually talk to and they will listen back. As our species was integrated, it sucked at first adjusting to everything, but every little moment was worth it, because we were so happy to know we aren’t alone anymore.


favorite headcanon

At least I think that’s today’s theme.  I am very behind oh wow.

My favorite headcanon: Mr. Lancer figured it out.  He knows about Danny.

If you pay attention to his characterization throughout the series, he goes from a pretty mean teacher, adding more antagonism to Danny’s already stressful world, to a really, truly understanding adult figure in Danny’s life.  

He begins the series with a huge bias towards Dash, athletes, and the popular crew for some reason.  But once you hit “Teacher of the Year,” BAM.  Something changes, and Mr. Lancer doesn’t really retreat back into that stereotypical version of himself again.  

In “TotY,” he is hard on Danny, as usual, but he explains that it’s because he sees great potential in Danny and thinks he has a lot more to offer.  Considering his parents are scientists and his sister is the smartest kid in school, this is a totally valid assumption, and it becomes founded when Danny actually sits down with Lancer to study and applies himself.  He gets an A, and Lancer is proud.

I think he keeps a particularly close eye on Danny after this.  The kid clearly has the potential to do great things and get good grades, but he doesn’t apply himself.  Why?  

It’s not like Mr. Lancer has a riveting personal life to speak of (“Fright Before Christmas”), so it’s pretty reasonable to say he spends a lot of time thinking about his students and his lesson plans.  I mean, the dude is like the English teacher who sometimes teaches some Science and History and possibly Math (even though he hates math??) and is a camp counselor and seems to have a lot of authority so maybe Vice Principal too?  He puts a lot into his work.  And I think he puts a lot of thought into his students.

We see a similar side to him again in TUE, in which he is hard on Danny but cuts him some slack in the end.  As though he knows there’s something else, something bigger, going on in the boy’s life to drive him to desperate measures.  

He goes from being extremely and irrationally hard on Danny (giving him detention in early episodes basically just for existing) to being much softer and more forgiving, treating Danny with a special kind of respect.

I gif’d this scene because I feel like it’s a subtle reference to the possibility that he knows.  Danny (as Phantom) is up on stage with Tucker, Sam and Jazz during this presentation.  When it’s over, the first people to clap in support are the Fentons, and the next?  Is Mr. Lancer.

He claps before Tucker’s own parents.  Or Sam’s.  And then he mentions all of them collectively when he sardonically comments that “They never put that much effort into their school work.”


I doubt he’s including Jazz in this statement, and it’s perfectly reasonable to assume he’s just talking about Sam and Tucker.  But the only two doing the actual talking/presenting are Danny and Tucker.

Danny as Phantom.  And Tucker.

And this supports my favorite headcanon that Lancer figured it out and kept it quiet, gradually coming to understand Danny and his predicament.  He really is responsible and driven, but grades, Lancer finds out, are not his first priority.  And that’s why he treats him differently, with more empathy, as the series goes on.

Because he knows.

You saw me when I was invisible—not just to the world, but even to myself.

There was something you recognized beneath the layers of hurt and false identities I had become lost in that called to you. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know who I was at the time, because somehow by seeing myself through your eyes I was able to awaken to the woman I was all along.

You made me smile from my soul for the first time, not because you expected anything in return from me, but simply because that was what came naturally for you. And it was in that moment I began to fall.

Although looking back, I now realize that even then I had no idea how long it would be until I arrived in a place where any of this meant anything.

In the beginning, we were chaos and fire.

We rubbed each other’s corners and seemed to trigger one another; it was almost as if what we were was all that was meant to be.

Yet, even then something tugged on my heart.

There was a reason that I never truly said goodbye to you, and now I can see why you came into my life in the first place.

When we find someone who, even as unlikely as it seems, is a part of us, then there isn’t any way to really leave them behind.

You burned me. You set fire to the life that I had become comfortable with. You held up a mirror and it hurt me to see what reflected back.

There was nothing about your presence that would let me stay sleeping in this life.

But, we played too many games for our own good. We danced in and out of intimacy and friendship, yet all along we were growing toward this and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t seen it coming.

You saw me; and perhaps the most bittersweet truth is that somehow I saw you before you even saw yourself.

And when we kissed that first time, I think I forgot my own name.

You touched me like I ached for someone to, and even when it wasn’t all I wanted, somehow it still ended up being enough.

I was okay with that. I was okay with your walls and I was satisfied knowing that what could grow between us might never actually be able to flower.

I accepted that because I only ever accepted you for who you were.

But things change, as they often do, and we both ended up finding our way back to a place we never thought we’d visit again. Yet we were different people this time. We had learned more and perhaps we had finally realized who we were.

The walls fell down, and what I saw on the other side was everything I could have ever wanted—but didn’t know existed.

And still, I let us dance, meander and even play with what was between us all the while we were only pretending that it was nothing special.

I was no longer scared of losing you because I figured that if you were still here in my life, then it was because of a reason that maybe I just wasn’t privy to yet, and so gradually and slowly I began to show you who I really am.

I did it in pieces and bits, all the while my heart racing, wondering if it would prove to be too much.

But it never was, the only thing that happened is that with each word, each conversation, I began to forget about anyone else that wasn’t you.

Through rambling midnight conversations about life and God, I suddenly realized that this was what I had needed all along, but I just never expected that not only could someone understand the inner workings of my mind, but that they would also be able to meet me there.

But you did, and it wasn’t because of the way you kissed me breathless that I began to love you, but because of the man that I saw when you simply became yourself.

The more you revealed, the more I wanted.

Even now, it’s a painful reality that hits me, bringing tears to my eyes—the belief that I could probably sit with you each evening, and never tire of hearing how you see the world.

It’s a knowing that no one else will ever be you.

At some point through our fantasies and passion, something changed, and although neither of us ever said anything about it, somewhere in between it all you had begun to make love to me.

It broke open my heart and crashed down any remaining reasons why in the end of all of this it shouldn’t be you. The reality is that even though the words of love have never passed your lips, no other man has ever made me feel more loved than you.

It’s interesting how that can occur, and maybe there’s a truth to what we feel rather than what we hear.

But in the end, you left.

Not really though, but just enough for me to feel your absence. Just enough for me to feel a pull on my soul when you’re not next to me, because whether I wanted it to feel that way or not, something about you being here with me always left me feeling more complete.

More whole.

And now I don’t know what to do, because the reality is you’ve ruined me for anyone else.

If another man doesn’t talk about the universe, or kiss me like it comes as naturally as breathing, I’ll always think of you.

If he doesn’t make fun of me and the way I talk too much, or don’t wear shoes, I’ll always hear your voice doing just that.

And if he doesn’t ever truly see me, then I know that in the back of my mind I’ll always see you.

You are the one man who saw me when I was invisible and now the truth is you have simply ruined me for anyone else.

“What we want is someone to be naked with, not only in body but in soul.” ~ J. Iron Word

—  Kate Rose

Mchanzo Week day 4: Red and Blue

Fire and Ice

He burns through trauma like a fire. He destroys the memories, without remorse, without care. He is happy to be rid of these thoughts, and does not dwell on the loss of them, but on certain days, amid certain thoughts brought on by loneliness and fear, he will look back upon the charred remains of it’s destruction, and feel a tinge of remorse, of vulnerability, of pain. He will, by any means, distract himself from his own thoughts, and will endanger himself in a vain attempt to spark another fire, to rid those thoughts, yet to no avail. Only the frigid cold of ice can slow the flames enough for him to look back upon his life, and see it clearly enough to reflect, mourn, and truly be at peace.

He locks trauma like ice. He stores it, keeps it in a cage, keeps it visible and open, like a wound. He dwells on the memories, unable to move due to the unbearable cold. He keeps himself prisoner, in an attempt to atone for his past sins. He will fill himself with only the pain of guilt and will find himself unable to shelter from the cold, as the open, frigid wounds eat him away until there will be nothing left, and render him unable to make himself whole again. Only the warmth of fire can melt away the guilt enough for him to move once again, and look on to new beginnings and a new life, and truly be at peace.