I was so sure I’d be safe with Dunkirk. It’s Dunkirk. A World War. Sacred History. It Happened As They Said It Did.
I wouldn’t be Momento’d in a movie about Dunkirk. I wouldn’t be Inceptioned. This story is so carved in rock it can’t be muddled or convoluted. I was so confident.
But in swans Christopher ‘Fuck You’ Nolan, a man who I’m starting to believe will turn to ash and vanish on the breeze if he ever meets a simple linear narrative, to explain to me in IMAX resolution all the ways I was an idiot and a fool. All the while Cillian Murphy’s Sad Eyes watch on with a weary detachment, and Harry Styles chews with the brazenness of a man who has never seen himself chew on a screen the size of a football pitch.
I was thinking this weekend about how awkward it was that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them insists that Americans call muggles “no-maj.” First off, it just doesn’t sound like an abbreviation we’d use, and it sounds even worse in plural. But I finally realized the more important point: it’s too direct. Especially for the time period, Americans would never have been that straightforward in talking about a topic that sensitive. And so I would like to submit, in the spirit of early twentieth-century slang, a list of possible euphemisms we may have used for muggles:
He washes his dishes with a cloth.
He pays in nickels and dimes.
He rides the trolley to work.
He takes his boots to the cobbler.
He’s grateful for Mr. Edison.
He’s one of Grisham’s boys. (here imagining that Grisham was a prominent wizard who famously fathered no magic children)
He dances on the ground.
He writes with a pen.
He’s fond of a two-piece suit.
He’s more King Arthur than Merlin.
He’s got to wind his pocket watch.
He gets his wax from bees.
His wife darns his socks.
He treats his ailments with tonics.
His portraits stay put.
His broom is only for sweeping.
I’m having a little too much fun with this, so if you have any to add, please send them over.
out of all the live action disney remakes, the lion king is the one that’s pissing me off the most. i mean. this is a movie that’s entirely about talking animals. which means that there’s no fucking way this is going to be a ‘live-action’ film. it’s not a cinderella, a beauty and the beast, a mulan, or even a jungle book. they all had fantastical elements that had to be animated, but they still starred real-life actors in real sets that could actually do a live-action performance. lion king, on the other hand, will have to be entirely animated. so it will just be the exact same fucking animated movie except the animation will make the lions and hyenas look hyper-realistic, i guess. how very necessary. hooray.
I love Diego. Diego is very funny. He’s a very cool guy, quite a smartass, and I really appreciate smartasses. He used to make fun of me for the stupid backpack I wore. There were a few situations where I couldn’t [wear the stilts]. [When] I was on a cliffside or running in water and stuff like that, I had to wear this backpack with a telescoping head that came off the top, and it was really stupid looking.
And the first time I wore it, it was like the first day we shot in Jordan. And he said [Puts on Diego Luna accent.], “Something terrible has happened. Ever since you put on that backpack, you have depressed the entire crew. It’s very sad.” He just went on about, “Please, for God’s sake, please take it off. For the love of God.” Anytime I put it on, “Everyone respected you just one moment ago. But now, it is evaporated.”
it was dark times, harry, dark times. voldemort started to gather some followers, brought them over to the dark side. anyone who stood up to him ended up dead. your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. nobody, not one, except you.