Beautiful Tragic Love Story

What we had, it was a beautiful tragic love story. I remember when I met you, I believed in fairy tale love stories, I believed in ‘the one’, I believed that love could conquer everything…I had such an optimistic outlook on love. At the start, I truly believed all these things, I was obliviously happy and had such an unreachable view of a relationship. I thought you were amazing and perfect. I remember thinking I was so lucky to have you in my life and for you to actually love me back, I was over the moon. I thought nothing could go wrong. But love is not a fairy tale. We started off rough, but I didn’t care, I would have done anything for you, I didn’t even care if you didn’t like me back at the start, cause I was head over heels for you. However, slowly my view on love changed… each time you broke a promise, your word or hid hurtful things from me, I started to become more realistic to the world and to love. I asked you to change during the relationship, I asked you to stop smoking, to not do drugs, to get a job, to go to uni, to eat healthier, to not cut, to sleep earlier and a lot of other things. Each time you said you’d change those habits for me, but when you let me down, the first time I’d get sad, the second time I’d get mad, the third time I’d feel nothing. To be continuously let down, it impacted me a lot. I know you tried, but you kept telling me to trust you even after you broke your word and ofc i did trust you again…and again….and again…and again…. You say I’ve changed, that I’m not the same person as I was 2 years ago. I agree with you, I’m not the same innocent, blinded by love girl who only thinks with her heart and not with her head anymore. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ or fairy tales or that love conquers everything. In reality, all you can do is rely on yourself. Everyone leaves in the end. Just like you did. You may think you didn’t leave just cause you offer to be in my life after you broke up with me, but you still left. You were the one who broke up with me. Don’t say that you wanted me to fight for you, cause you don’t use a break up to see if the person loves you or not. You’ve always known what I thought about break ups; only break up with the person if you don’t want to be with them anymore. For you to expect me to chase after you every time you walk away or break up with me isn’t right. For you to blame me for not chasing after you all those times, isn’t right. You were obviously broken, I tried, I really did try and help you, i tried and worried so much my own health and mental health declined. You asked why didn’t I show you my broken side, because every time I let you glimpse into that side, you would just be dark with me…and I didn’t want that. When I thought of dying you just said you’d die with me. I didn’t want that. So I shut you out of that world. I wanted to be your rock. I wanted to be the person that was ‘stable’ so you could go to me whenever you were low. I wanted to be strong, to be a role model for you. In the end, it was my fault for trying to be someone I was not. In the end, I couldn’t even help you. But almost everything I did was for you. You think I’m a horrible and selfish person who doesn’t care about their friends, which saddens me cause I thought you knew me better than that. But maybe I am just a horrible person. Maybe what you think is right. I don’t know. All I know is that we were toxic for each other, and I know you believe that too cause you told me that was the reason you broke up with me. I understand why you’re so shocked at finding out who I really am, I’m sorry for hiding it, but I had good intentions just remember that. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through, I know I wasn’t easy to put up with in the relationship, I’m not perfect, I had lots of flaws, I did a lot of shit too in the relationship and I know I hurt you a lot too, so I’m sorry for all that. I don’t regret these 2 years, it was just a beautiful… tragic… love story. 

Out of Reach

In another life, everything could be different. We could be lovers, friends or strangers. It’s a sad thought. I wish things didn’t happen the way they happened, maybe in another life things would be better. Then again, life would never give you everything that you wanted, that would be too easy.

No pain, no gain.