Why is it that on every theatre production on Youtube there’s always some little white girl in the 7th grade saying that she could’ve done a better performance.

No, Sarah Anne, you can’t. No matter how many years you’ve crammed your crusty toes into jazz shoes and screeched sharp notes through your undeveloped vocal cords, through lessons paid for by your wealthy parents with elbow wrinkles, you are not Broadway. You’re not even high school theatre.

Sit down and drink your apple juice.

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It’s good to know that in between shows, these boys listen to the “Damn Yankees” soundtrack to lift their spirits. Absolutely precious.

how to spot a theatre kid

- knows too much about first treasury secretary alexander hamilton, bank robbers bonnie and clyde and the newsboys strike of 1899

- grocery shopping list consists of ‘the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold’

- when introduced to someone new, sings:

 - and i’m jAVERT

 - alexander hamilton, my name is alexander hamilton

 - veronica sawyer. i crave a boon

- laughs at anyone who says disney isn’t realistic because nobody randomly breaks out into song

- favourite rappers are the cast of hamilton and the witch from into the woods

- when walking in the rain, will start singing on my own from les miserables

- panics when the cast list is about to be posted

- blood is 90% throat coat

- constantly losing bobby pins

- has no sense of privacy because have you ever had to do a quick change

some weird experiences i’ve had in theatre
  • my friend sean sneaking up behind me whispering “shhhhh! guess who it is” while putting a cat blindfold on me
  • being onstage during beauty and the beast and having my skirt fall down so the entire audience can see my batman underwear
  • during a show, someone was backstage and their mic was still on and they said “fuck me daddy” – which the entire audience heard
  • in a production of the lion the witch and the wardrobe, all of the creatures who had been turned into stone were frozen mid-dab
  • a giant circle of my friends and i started chanting “memes! memes! memes! memes! memes!” and jumping up and down
  • in the same production, my friend put me inside a giant trashcan on wheels in our school and wheeled me around backstage until my entrance
  • listening to the fitnessgram pacer test background music in the dressing rooms to get pumped up
  • once we did a musical number for a showcase where my friends had to tap dance, but none of them knew how so they just stomped really hard
  • wheeling my friend (who was supposed to be an old man) around the school in a prop wheelchair so he could go to the vending machine before the show started
  • ALWAYS twerking, grinding on each other, and dancing seductively behind the curtains during a ballad or sad song onstage
  • we had a little kid in a show once and he pooped his pants during dress rehearsals and his dad forgot to put a diaper on him that day
  • my friend’s shoe flew off during a kick-line once and hit someone in the audience
  • my friend sam, who played cogsworth in beauty in the beast, always had the giant clock on his costume set to 4:20