V/A - “The Wrestling Album” (Epic Records 1985)

It’s no secret that I love wrestling.  I always have, I can’t remember ever not loving it (except from 2001 - 2005).  Another thing I love is music.  I have a bachelors degree in music production, and I’m involved with several projects.  When music and wrestling collide, it’s a match made in heaven.  Lots of bands write songs about wrestling (Antiseen etc.) but when wrestlers decide to make music, that is when I get rock hard.  Go find my review of the Macho Man’s rap album to see what I mean….and read the rest of this.  

In 1985 Vince McMahon, ever the marketing genius, decided that he would make an album with all of his talent on it.  It would include entrance music as well as original recordings preformed by the wrestlers.  History is made.

I have not heard this album before.  I have a single from the album of the opening track and everyone knows Hulk Hogan’s “Real American”, but everything else is new to me.  I’m gonna review each tack as I listen to it.  Hopefully I can be witty as I listen.  Doubtful.

1. The Wrestlers - “Land Of 1000 Dances” Here we go.  So this is a cover song…I had no idea that this was the title of this song, and I have no idea who the original artist is.  Every line is sung by different wrestlers.  I can’t recognize most of them, but Jimmy Hart “The Mouth Of The South”, Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkoff, Freddy Blassie, and Vince McMahon stand out.  This is very upbeat and makes me wanna shake my booty.  I think this is from an era when Roddy Piper was a heel because he is yelling to stop the music at the end.  Oooh there is commentary in between tracks from Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura and Mean Gene Oakerland. This is so good.

2. Junkyard Dog - “Grab Them Cakes”  Okay this is a funky early 80’s dance track. Kind of like a low rent Parliment if they decided to rewrite the song at the end of Spaceballs when they are trying to escape the exploding Mega Maid and then had Junkyard Dog do lead vocals on it.  He has a really interesting voice though.  Its spastic and gruff.  I’m waaay to into this song.  

3. Rick Derringer - “Real American” Oh man.  Hulk’s entrance music.  This song is so fucking cheesy, but seriously, who doesn’t want to blast this from their car while driving on a sidewalk mowing down pedestrians??

4. Jimmy Hart - “Ricky Springfield Eat Your Heart Out”  The Mouth Of The South.  I don’t know what to think of this.  It’s cheesy buttrock about saving his girl from Rick Springfield.  Jimmy Hart can sing though.  Wierd.  This song is painful and I want it to be over.  Now. 

5. Captain Lou Albano - “Captain Lou’s History Of Music/Captain Lou” RIP Captain Lou.  Captain Lou lived in the town I am from, Carmel, NY.  This trap starts with the good Captain explaining to George “The Animal” Steele where music came from.  The song “Captain Lou” was originally written by NRBQ for the good captain, and he was their kayfabe (look it up) manager, before he was Cyndi Lauper’s manager.  This song rocks.  It’s really cheesy and upbeat and tons of wierd dated synth sounds.  And the drums are really heavy.  But its all fun. Next.

6. WWF All Stars - “Hulk Hogan’s Theme”  Don’t really understand the group name, as this is an instrumental.  I was expecting another clusterfuck of every wrestler singing Real American.  A quick wikipedia search has shown me that this was Hulk’s first original entrance music, and it’s pretty sweet.  It would get me pumped to touch sweaty muscle bound dudes in their underwear.  Jesse Ventura’s commentary is great.  He is saying how band all the music is.  

7. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper - “For Everybody” Ok we got some horns, and hard rocking guitars.  Piper needs to concentrate on kicking ass and never sing again.  Fuck.  Someone buy me a copy of “Hell Comes To Frogtown” so I can see some great Piper action.  As bad as this is it’s making me wanna watch that movie.  And “They Live” because it’s the best movie ever.  Wow this song is so bad.  it’s like 80’s James Brown if sang by a wrestler.  Who is white. And was in a movie called “Hell Comes To Frog Town”.

8. Gene Oakerland - “Tutti Frutti”  I’m scared.  Mene Gene is a pretty good singer actually. Doing this song at least.  It’s a pretty good version of the song to. Very fast.  I likes me some fast stuff.  

9. Hillbilly Jim - “Don’t Go Messin With A Country Boy”  Hillbilly Jim needs to be on WWE now.  I would love it. This is like Cotton Eyed Joe if it wasn’t a dance song made by some Scandinavian guys.  I’m digging it.  I want this song to play every time I walk into a room.  

10. Nikolai Volkoff - “Cara Mia”   The last song, and the one I’ve been dreading the most.  God this is terrible.  I don’t even want to type anything I just want it to be over.  Sounds like the theme song for an 80’s romantic comedy if the lead vocal was sang by a Russian that has a minimal grasp of the English language. 

So that’s it.  What a ride.