the-smelly-car

and there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too

i literally wrote this in like three hours when i should’ve been doing other things. its the product of many a conversation i’ve had with @phil-the-stone who is THE BEST!!!!!!!!! i love the santiago-peraltas and their inevitable-but-not-in-a-weird-way love story. the title is from 5 years time by noah and the whale which probs one of the most amyjake songs i have EVER HEARD. 

June 2009

They had exhausted ‘When I Was A Kid’ hours ago, and Jake had won ‘Most Awkward Collar’ with his story about having to arrest Gina’s friend Claire in an Olive Garden. Amy shifted in her seat, checked her phone and took the binoculars from him.

“I wish these guys would do something,” Jake complained as she watched their possible-perps (arsonists, maybe, definitely kidnappers), “I hate boring criminals.”

“Shhh, they’re taking their trash out and – oh, it just broke. There’s food cartons all over the sidewalk! God that’s a health hazard. When will people learn to double bag their trash?”

“You’re so weird. What would be in your trash, Santiago? Doilies?”

She shot him a c’mon man look, but decided to play ball. They were going to be here a while, in his smelly old car with only each other and Taylor Swift’s entire discography for company.

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Vegans That Push Their Lifestyles Onto Animals

If people are going to use animals, make sure that you don’t push anything onto them. It has to be done on their own terms.

For example, when you use dairy cows to produce human milk, make sure to get a cow-to-human translating device and ask the cow if its ok to use a tool to non-consensually sexually penetrate her in order to impregnate her so she’ll be able to lactate, so we have something to put on our cereal. Only if she says “yes” then its ok. Cows have evidently said “yes” billions of times, otherwise this would be really fucked up, and might seem like literally and figuratively shoving human beliefs onto an animal. Then, if its a boy, make sure to slaughter them, as that would be what any mother would wish onto their child. She’ll thank you for it.

The joys of visiting a zoo show me a world where animals have voluntarily traded in their horrendous ability to move about in their native environment in exchange for living inside a cage to be stared at by humans who don’t believe in pushing their lifestyles onto them.

Sea World does a wonderful job of taking in whales and dolphins who suffer from agoraphobia, fear of wide open places, and give them the pleasure of swimming in an enclosed chlorine pool to jump through hoops to please humans that don’t believe in pushing their beliefs onto animals.

Foxes have such an immense love for human fashion that they willingly sacrifice their own bodies so they can be part of some rich person’s ensemble which they’ll wear the foxes’ corpse twice a year, only for special occasions.

If you see a horse pulling a carriage in New York City, make sure to thank the human for providing this dream life to an animal who always wanted to carry humans around for 10 hours a day with loud, smelly cars surrounding them instead of having the time to exist for their own reasons, because that would be constructing a human narrative onto their existence.

How about the animals who want to make sure that something like makeup can be used on human skin without any side effect. They’ll jump at the chance of being sprayed with toxins on their face, skin, and eyes, because they really care about Loreal’s quarterly earnings, not because they were forced to be there.

It’s amazing all the things that animals willfully “give” us, without humans forcing our lifestyle decisions onto them.

Apparently asking a taxi driver why their car smells like elephant poop is grounds for them to kick you out of said smelly car and still collect money. Is it wrong that I’m really hoping he gets a flat tire in the middle of nowhere? I mean, to be fair, he sort of put a damper on my otherwise perfect week.