I remember when I thought all the stars lined up for us. I remember thinking that the universe had finally brought me something good, something sweet, Something so beautiful that it was to be treasured. How could I argue with something that felt so natural, free, and breath taking; I couldn’t. I wanted more and more. Your love, your affection, your attention, it was a drug. A drug that slipped into my veins and filled my heart with enchantment. It felt magical, but you were just the poisoned apple that had fallen from the witches basket.
I’m not here to reminisce, and tell you that I thought you were the one. Although the months that could be added up to years felt like an epoch in my life. I’m here to let you know that my smile is more radiant, my eyes shine just a tad bit more, and my walk is more confident. It’s not because I don’t miss you. Every time a memory of us runs through my mind I feel my heart long for you. It’s because I’m moving on.
I can already tell a difference. Your voice doesn’t run through my mind, and your smile doesn’t show up nearly as much when I think of the word ‘happiness’. Tears don’t fill up my eyes when I begin to think of your touch upon my skin.
One day I’ll look over my shoulder and see my husband, smile, and then tell my kids that even though love at first sight is possible a love that someone works for is even better. I’ll take a step back, look at all that I have to be happy about in life, and hope that you’ve found the same.
I know that one day I will cross your mind and you’ll get the urge to see how I’m doing. You’ll probably miss me, or realize that leaving and not fighting for what we had was a mistake. It’ll probably take you weeks or months to get the courage to ask me how I’ve been. By that time all the courage you built up will have been a waste, because A heart that once desired you will be the same heart that has the strength to never let you in again.
These are words I have written, that you’ll probably never see. Just know I’m no longer under your spell. I’m not loving you most, or dreaming of you more. I don’t look at my hand and feel like yours is supposed to be holding it. I don’t open my eyes and want to see your face anymore. I don’t look at things and think of how I want you by my side to see them too. I’m going to over come the havoc you cause my heart and spirit.
When I get the thoughts that overwhelm me. The thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough, or when I start to convince myself that I was the one missing something, and that’s why things didn’t work out. I’ll remind myself it wasn’t me. It was you. You gave up. Not me. I’ll remind myself that I’m worthwhile. I’ll tell myself to be proud for being able to love someone so much, unconditionally. If I could love the wrong person that much, imagine how much I could love the right person.
I’ll always remember you were just a good guy that did bad things.