the-pickpocket

don't do this at home, kids. don't do this in front of kids either

i play an incubus cleric (he’s a literal holy fuck, just dont ask) and my friend an elf bard. we’re stuck in prison.

cleric: i try to sweet talk the guard and distract him with my natural charm.

bard: i try to pickpocket the guard and get his keys while he’s distracted.

cleric rolls nat 20. bard rolls crit 1, but i notice before the DM does.

cleric, clearly panicking and acting before the DM can see what the bard rolled: I GRAB THE GUARD BY THE COLLAR AND DRAG HIM TOWARDS ME SO I CAN SMASH MY LIPS INTO HIS THROUGH THE BARS TO DISTRACT HIM FURTHER.

DM, after noticing the crit 1: the bard grabs what she thinks are the keys but fucks up so badly she delivers a swift uppercut to the guard’s dick. also in her horror she realizes he’s hard. then because the guard is dragged forward, her hand gets sandwiched between the dick and the cell bars. both the guard’s dick and her hand get severely bruised from being crushed and/or being dealt a swift uppercut.

cleric, still technically kissing the guard through all of this and panicking further while all the other players are howling in laughter: WELL I ROLLED A NAT 20 SO I’M STILL DISTRACTING HIM RIGHT??? I SHOVE MY TONGUE DOWN HIS THROAT IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT HIM FROM THE UNDISTRACTABLE I’M DESPERATE HERE

Who’s Got The Smarts

Viktor Nikiforov has lived his international life getting ferried places by Yakov, exploring with world-savvy Christophe Giacometti, and being led around on the arm of rich sponsors who wanted to take him out for a night.

Yuuri, on the other hand, has spent several years in Detroit– not quite the crime capital of the USA, but close.

This shows when the Katsuki-Nikiforovs start taking more vacations.

In Rio de Janeiro. “Why can’t we just take a shortcut?” Viktor asks, peering down a narrow and dark alley. “We’d make it back to the hotel faster.”

“Vitya, no,” says Yuuri. 

In Chicago. “Yuuri, that was such a nice man, and his dog was the best dog, besides Makkachin.”

“Good dog,” Yuuri says, grabbing Viktor by the lapels to pull him in for a kiss, and to tap his cheek with Viktor’s leather wallet. “Terrible pickpocket. Don’t worry, I got it back for you.”

It even shows when they’re traveling close to home.

“This is my favorite restaurant in Sochi!” Viktor chirps. “Their shades are closed, so paparazzi can’t see in. They’re all fans, and always ask me about skating, but they never bother me for pictures with them! So discreet! It’s like my own little escape, so I wanted to share it with you. Do you like it?”

“It’s wonderful,” says Yuuri through gritted teeth. He grips Viktor’s hand tightly throughout the entire experience, and every time Viktor pitifully tries to ask, “how is the borchst?” Yuuri just smiles grimly at him and scoots closer.

“Darling,” Viktor pouts once they’re back in their hotel room, “I’ve told you that if you’re anxious we can always leave, but you never gave me the signal we agreed on–”

“Vitya,” Yuuri says, and sits him down. “Vitya, that restaurant is very clearly a cover for the Russian mafia.”

“Oh,” says Viktor. “Um.”

“I’ve always thought it was a miracle that you were alive,” Yuuri sighs and snuggles down into his husband’s lap. “Now I’m realizing just how much of a miracle it is.”

In London. They go out for a pub trivia night with Yakov and Yurio. Their team– carried completely by the living legend– destroys the rest, even though Viktor is tipsy and has been chattering with both the French family at the neighboring table and two Germans at the bar in their native tongue. Facts? Viktor knows them all: 18th century literature. Obscure historical references. Chemical compositions. The exact words Beyonce tweeted 3 months ago.

“What the hell,” says Yurio. “This idiot introduced himself to me five times when I first came to the rink. He can’t remember what he ate for lunch. What. The hell.” 

“I think I love him,” Yuuri blurts. They have been married for two years, and his husband is showing the Germans his belly-button. “We have to protect him.” Yakov just smirks.

“He’s all yours, son.”

I always liked how New Vegas companions weren’t really romanceable. You could flirt with them, but even then they clearly had specific likes and wants. Arcade was gay. Cass was bisexual. But there was never a LOVE ME dialogue option. Every character was dealing with their own loss and difficulties and didn’t build their lives around the courier. Why would they. The courier is some random asshole who walked up to them a week prior and said “hey wanna fuck shit up.”

It’s almost like they were actual carefully constructed characters and not hastily thrown together cliches that would marry you after you pickpocketed all of Diamond City.

The Best Films of 2017 - Mid-Year List

There have already been many great films so far this year, so I felt it worth doing a run down of my favourite films of the year so far. These all reflect the cinema releases we’ve had so far in the UK in 2017 - for that reason this list includes some films that were released in the US in 2016. Enjoy, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the best films of the year so far!

Honourable mentions: Their Finest, Colossal, Gifted

1. Get Out, dir. Jordan Peele

This film really knocked me for six, to such an extent that I simply had to see it twice in the cinema. It got even better upon a re-watch, when I was able to watch it with full knowledge of the characters’ underlying motives and the things to come. It’s a terrifying concept (the racism of an all-white suburb is taken to a horrifying extreme) executed with incredible panache, and you feel every emotion that Chris goes through thanks to Daniel Kaluuya’s excellent performance. Get Out also represents one of the most brilliantly communal experiences I’ve ever had at the cinema - I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say that the audience erupted into spontaneous applause at a key moment in the climax. Simply fantastic. 

2. The Handmaiden, dir. Park Chan-wook

This film is exquisite - it’s first and foremost a beautiful boundary-smashing love story, and an absolutely marvellous tale of female defiance. It transplants Sarah Waters’ novel Fingersmith to 1930s Korea, and the story is effortlessly adapted to become intrinsically interwoven with its new setting. Sookee is a talented pickpocket plucked from a thieves den and sent as a handmaiden to trick a rich heiress into falling for a conman. To say any more would spoil the twists, but this film is just a masterwork of suspense, keeping you guessing throughout a series of interlocking pieces that take their time to reveal their secrets. I’ve seen the theatrical cut and the extended version, and they’re both great - you’re in for a treat with either.

3. Jackie, dir. Pablo Larrain

This is a film that soars on the strength of Natalie Portman’s incredible performance, which is complemented by Mica Levi’s haunting score. Portman’s performance is painfully vivid, with her agony and wretchedness coming through so intensely that it’s often uncomfortable to watch. Jackie is probably the best portrait of grief I’ve ever seen, and it sucks you into a famous historic event by providing an incredibly intimate perspective on it. This is great cinema, but be prepared for suffering.

4. A Cure for Wellness, dir. Gore Verbinski

This is a delightfully strange Gothic fairy tale of a film, and I’m amazed and impressed that a Hollywood studio gave Gore Verbinski a budget sufficient to pull it off with such beauty and style. I’ve seen this film attract love and hate in equal measure, but I adore it - the trailers set you up for a rehash of Shutter Island, but nothing could be further from the truth beyond the isolated setting. If I had to compare this to anything, I would compare it to Roger Corman’s Poe cycle of films from the 1960s - it has a similarly lurid sensibility and a deep-seated sense of fantastic romanticism at its core. Great if you’re after something uncompromisingly bonkers.

5. Wonder Woman, dir. Patty Jenkins

This film represented pure joy for me - I couldn’t have anticipated how emotional I was going to get at witnessing a (wonder!)woman crossing No Man’s Land and deflecting bullets with her bracelets. This simultaneously rejects the wry self-awareness of the Marvel films and the grim self-importance of the previous DC movies, instead unabashedly depicting a superhero who triumphs thanks to her overriding belief in love and compassion. Patty Jenkins adds endless little touches - from funny moments to quiet scenes where characters talk simply to learn about each other - that enrich the film and make it feel vivid and intimate in a very rare and special way.

6. Silence, dir. Martin Scorsese

This is truly the work of a master filmmaker, and it represents a stunning artistic achievement and a moving and intelligent investigation of the threshold of faith. Scorsese tried to get this made for decades before finally succeeding, and his passion for and belief in the project shine through in every painstakingly crafted frame. Silence is equal parts beauty and brutality, and it uses this contrast to illuminate the painful questions that the faithful must ask themselves when faced with the harsh reality of the present world. It’s heavy stuff, but well worth your time if you’re up for a film that raises more questions than it answers.

7. In This Corner of the World, dir. Sunao Katabuchi

I had no idea this film existed until a few days before I saw it, but I was really struck by its poetic treatment of the joys and tragedies of life. This film follows a young bride who moves to live with her husband’s family in WWII-era Japan, and while it deals unflinchingly with the trauma and horror of war - particularly the bombing of Hiroshima - it’s also surprisingly funny and ultimately hopeful. The power of this film comes through in the little moments of human connection and the way that the full potential of animation is exploited to maximum effect.

8. La La Land, dir. Damien Chazelle

A lovely ode to the classic Hollywood musical, La La Land is a technical marvel that sticks with me because of its heart and humanity (those words are recurring a lot, right?). It tells a very small story of a love affair between two dreamers in Hollywood, but it feels much bigger than them because of the way in which their story is told. La La Land draws from influences across the spectrum of cinema, and its homages to the classics are joyful and loving. The final ‘what might have been’ sequence represents the perfect marriage of raw emotion and filmmaking virtuosity. 

9. Okja, dir. Bong Joon-ho

Not many films can balance flatulence jokes with uncompromising critique of capitalist greed, but Okja pulls it off with aplomb. The core story hinges on the innocent and endearing friendship between a young girl named Mija and a bio-engineered super pig called Okja, and the film succeeds because you totally buy their connection and desperately want the two of them to have their wish and live together in the mountains. I’m delighted that Netflix gave Bong Joon-ho a platform to make such a weird beast.

10. Logan, dir. James Mangold

Logan may be bleak, but that isn’t what makes it great - Logan is fantastic cinema because it remembers that superheroes are still people who struggle with their own souls as much as super-villains. This film features the best character work managed in any of the X-Men films, and Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart and - in particular - Dafne Keen give heart-rending performances that really ground the film and give it an emotional core. I hope we get more superhero films like this, and that the takeaway from it for the industry is the importance of stressing character rather than frantic spectacle.

Most anticipated films still to come: War for the Planet of the Apes, Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets, Dunkirk, The Beguiled, Mother!, Logan Lucky, Blade Runner 2049, Murder on the Orient Express, The Shape of Water, Annihilation, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

kids are fucking wild

i work at a daycare/day camp thing with six and seven year olds

-*points to my ring* are you married?
me: how to i explain that i am 16 and im dating a piece of shit

-“are you a boy or a girl?”
me: what makes you think im a boy or a girl?
kid: you have short hair!
me: girls can have short hair!
me internally: gender is an illusion my children

-*kid pickpockets the radio from my coworkers pocket and presses the button* “can we order pizza?”

-me: our craft today is making snakes out of paper!
kid: CAN MINE BE POISONOUS
me: sure!
other kid: can it bite me i want to go home
other other kid: i got bit by a python once
other other other kid: yeah sure craig

-i herd the kids outside and they all hang out by the door waiting to go inside. when i ask them why they say that its hot out. its only 84 degrees

-me, to my coworker: oh i get off in ten minutes
ten minutes later: “REY IS LEAVING EVERYONE TACKLE HER OR HIM” (they didn’t believe me when i told them i was a ‘girl’ so now use “her or him” when referring to me. i dont correct them because they are on the right track)

The Last Unicorn (1982) starters.
  • ❛  I dislike the feel of these woods.  ❜
  • ❛  Unicorns? I thought they only existed in fairytales.  ❜
  • ❛  This is a forest like any other. Isn’t it ?  ❜
  • ❛  Let’s turn around. Hunt somewhere else.  ❜
  • ❛  This is no world for you.  ❜
  • ❛  Good luck to you, for you are the last.  ❜
  • ❛  What do men know ?  ❜
  • ❛  We are as old as the sky, old as the moon.  ❜
  • ❛  We can be hunted, we can be trapped, we can even be killed but we do not vanish !  ❜
  • ❛  Have you traveled very far ?  ❜
  • ❛  Be a little respectful, do you know who I am ?  ❜
  • ❛  Your name is a golden bell, hung in my heart.  ❜
  • ❛  I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.  ❜
  • ❛  In all your wanderings, have you seen others like me ?  ❜
  • ❛  Have you seen the others? Where have they gone? Tell me which way I must go to find them.  ❜
  • ❛  No, no, listen ! Don’t listen to me, listen !  ❜
  • ❛  You can find the others if you are brave.  ❜
  • ❛  What if they’re waiting for me ? In need of my help ?  ❜
  • ❛  Well hello there little one !  ❜
  • ❛  And just who might you belong to ? a pretty little thing like you ?  ❜
  • ❛  In my heart I carry such a heavy load.  ❜
  • ❛  And here I thought I’d seen the last of them !  ❜
  • ❛  I know you. If I were blind I would know what you are.  ❜
  • ❛  You wouldn’t have heard of me.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s not much of a job for a real magician, but I’ve had worse.  ❜
  • ❛  You’re mine. If you kill me, you’re still mine.  ❜
  • ❛  Your death sits in that cage and she hears you.  ❜
  • ❛  She’ll kill me one day or another, but she will remember forever that I caught her, that I held her prisoner. So there’s my immortality.  ❜
  • ❛  You were out on the road hunting for your own death !  ❜
  • ❛  He’ll not have you ! You belong to me.  ❜
  • ❛  We are two sides of the same magic.  ❜
  • ❛  You are safer here. You should thank me for protecting you.  ❜
  • ❛  There has never been a spell on me before.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.  ❜
  • ❛  Will you help me ?  ❜
  • ❛  You’re my last chance.  ❜
  • ❛  Can you truly set me free ?  ❜
  • ❛  I asked him a riddle and it always takes that lout all night to solve riddles.  ❜
  • ❛  the spell was wrong but there was true magic in it ! try again.  ❜
  • ❛  My dear you deserve the services of a great wizard but I’m afraid you’ll have to be glad of the aide of a second rate pickpocket.  ❜
  • ❛  Okay, (name), I give up. Why is a raven like a writing desk ?  ❜
  • ❛  She’ll kill you if you set her free !  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t look back, and don’t run.  ❜
  • ❛  You must never run from anything immortal, it attracts their attention.  ❜
  • ❛  She chose her death long ago. It was the fate she wanted.  ❜
  • ❛  You have no regrets as I do ?  ❜
  • ❛  I’ve never seen anyone like you. Not while I was awake, anyway.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m going where they are, to learn whatever they know.  ❜
  • ❛  Take me with you ! for luck, for laughs, for the unknown.  ❜
  • ❛  You could never have granted my true wish.  ❜
  • ❛  I cannot turn you into something you are not.  ❜
  • ❛  Hide yourself ! We’ll find each other later.  ❜
  • ❛  Mind your heads now, it’s raining ninnies !  ❜
  • ❛  Put me down you fool !  ❜
  • ❛  I don’t like the look of him.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s only (name)’s way, but she has a good heart.  ❜
  • ❛  This is not happening.  ❜
  • ❛  We’ll both be gentlemen of leisure in a months time.  ❜
  • ❛  Oh, I love you.  ❜
  • ❛  She shall never have you !  ❜
  • ❛  We will perish together.  ❜
  • ❛  Did you see me ? Were you watching ?  ❜
  • ❛  Did you see what I made ?  ❜
  • ❛  It’s gone now, but I had it !  ❜
  • ❛  Where have you been ? Where have you been ! ?  ❜
  • ❛  Where were you when I was new ?  ❜
  • ❛  How dare you come to me now when I am this !  ❜
  • ❛  It’s alright, I forgive you.  ❜
  • ❛  You can’t come with us ! we’re on a quest !  ❜
  • ❛  Well, you’re going the wrong way.  ❜
  • ❛  You have all the power you need if you dare to look for it.  ❜
  • ❛  What have you done ! ?  ❜
  • ❛  The power will come to me whenever I need it, and one day! One day it will come to me when I call !  ❜
  • ❛  You are an idiot !  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t ! Don’t you hurt yourself !  ❜
  • ❛  I can feel this body dying all around me !  ❜
  • ❛  You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous.  ❜
  • ❛  I will keep nothing near me that does not make me happy.  ❜
  • ❛  How would you know ?  ❜
  • ❛  Well, just look at you !  ❜
  • ❛  Come on, I’ll write you a reference.  ❜
  • ❛  You have let your doom in by the front door !  ❜
  • ❛  What are you looking at ?  ❜
  • ❛  What is the matter with your eyes ?  ❜
  • ❛  You may come and go as you please.  ❜
  • ❛  My secrets guard themselves, may yours do the same.  ❜
  • ❛  Please, let me help you. What can I do for you ?  ❜
  • ❛  And then she looked at me and I was sorry I had killed the thing.  ❜
  • ❛  For her sake I’ve become a hero but my great deeds mean nothing to her !  ❜
  • ❛  I wish to be whatever she has most need of.  ❜
  • ❛  You are cruel to him.  ❜
  • ❛  He only wishes you to think of him.  ❜
  • ❛  Who am I ? Why am I here ?  ❜
  • ❛  I knew a moment ago, but I have forgotten.  ❜
  • ❛  I was innocent and wise and full of pain.  ❜
  • ❛  Now that I’m a woman, everything has changed.  ❜
  • ❛  Why won’t you help me ? Why must you always speak in riddles ?  ❜
  • ❛  I would tell you what you want to know if I could.  ❜
  • ❛  I am always dreaming, even when I am awake. It is never finished.  ❜
  • ❛  I would court you with more grace if I knew how.  ❜
  • ❛  Drown out my dreams. Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it.  ❜
  • ❛  Words are always getting in my way.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s all I have to tell you. That’s all I’ve got to say.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m not a man of poetry. Music isn’t one with me.  ❜
  • ❛  As if I didn’t have enough troubles.  ❜
  • ❛  Well of course you’re of noble birth, anyone could see that.  ❜
  • ❛  Love is slowing you down, my lady.  ❜
  • ❛  It was pleasant enough at first, but it died quickly.  ❜
  • ❛  There is nothing of yours that I desire.  ❜
  • ❛  There is no movement of yours that has not betrayed you.  ❜
  • ❛  I like to watch them. They fill me with joy.  ❜
  • ❛  The first time I felt it, I thought I was going to die.  ❜
  • ❛  Do you dare still pretend to be human ?  ❜
  • ❛  It makes no difference. The end will be the same. I can wait.  ❜
  • ❛  Shut up you pretentious kneecap !  ❜
  • ❛  How would you like a punch in the eye ?  ❜
  • ❛  It’s so nice to have someone to play with.  ❜
  • ❛  Try me tomorrow. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.  ❜
  • ❛  Give it to me if you don’t want it but don’t throw it away !  ❜
  • ❛  Give me the wine !  ❜
  • ❛  You would have gone without me ?  ❜
  • ❛  No name you could give her would surprise or frighten me.  ❜
  • ❛  I love whom I love.  ❜
  • ❛  I will go no further.  ❜
  • ❛  Everything dies. I want to die when you die.  ❜
  • ❛  Yes, that is my wish.  ❜
  • ❛  I am a hero, and heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen.  ❜
  • ❛  A quest may not simply be abandoned.  ❜
  • ❛  A happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.  ❜
  • ❛  What if there isn’t a happy ending at all ?  ❜
  • ❛  There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.  ❜
  • ❛  Do something ! You have the power ! I will kill you if you don’t do something !  ❜
  • ❛  That’s what heroes are for.  ❜
  • ❛  I’ve never had any friends before.  ❜
  • ❛  Men don’t always know when they’re happy.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.  ❜
  • ❛  No sorrow will live in me as long as that joy.  ❜