don't do this at home, kids. don't do this in front of kids either
i play an incubus cleric (he’s a literal holy fuck, just dont ask) and my friend an elf bard. we’re stuck in prison.
cleric: i try to sweet talk the guard and distract him with my natural charm.
bard: i try to pickpocket the guard and get his keys while he’s distracted.
cleric rolls nat 20. bard rolls crit 1, but i notice before the DM does.
cleric, clearly panicking and acting before the DM can see what the bard rolled: I GRAB THE GUARD BY THE COLLAR AND DRAG HIM TOWARDS ME SO I CAN SMASH MY LIPS INTO HIS THROUGH THE BARS TO DISTRACT HIM FURTHER.
DM, after noticing the crit 1: the bard grabs what she thinks are the keys but fucks up so badly she delivers a swift uppercut to the guard’s dick. also in her horror she realizes he’s hard. then because the guard is dragged forward, her hand gets sandwiched between the dick and the cell bars. both the guard’s dick and her hand get severely bruised from being crushed and/or being dealt a swift uppercut.
cleric, still technically kissing the guard through all of this and panicking further while all the other players are howling in laughter: WELL I ROLLED A NAT 20 SO I’M STILL DISTRACTING HIM RIGHT??? I SHOVE MY TONGUE DOWN HIS THROAT IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT HIM FROM THE UNDISTRACTABLE I’M DESPERATE HERE