sxsw. the big music/film/tech/anything festival i had heard about for years. i’m not particularly big on festivals, but i found out the last show was going to include Lil Uzi Vert in the lineup. now when i say i love lil uzi, i fucking LUV lil uzi. him, young thug, hov, and jay electronica are about the only 4 artists i’d actually pay to see.
the show was billed as, “make trap great again” and featured Gucci Mane as the headliner. hands up if you were around for the chicken talk and traphouse days. i used to listen to “Stick Em Up” off hard to kill while working out. (fun fact: most of the hard to kill album, and some of trap house, was prod by zaytoven and yet he didn’t gain mainstream name recognition until the past few years. never give up kids.)
i went to the concert with my homie hassam. i actually shouldn’t have been able to go, but my friend jake was kind enough to give me his ticket because he knew how big of an uzi fan i am. shout out jake man.
hassam and i waited for hours outside in the texas heat and the texas sun with the texas smells and the texas folks. we were in line about 5:30 and got let into the outdoor venue at 8. the concert went till 2.
we stood through no less than 3 hours of 2 goofy fucking white dudes called “it’s the real” ????? who were the hosts???? they danced on stage and shit, calling themselves mr cop shooter, aka mr dont give a fuck aka mr we really do fucking ruin everything. idk. i legit thought it was like satire until hour 5. fuck those dudes. FUCK those dudes. FUUUUUUCK those dudes.
anyway. it was hot. i had a sweat towel. it earned it’s keep that night. the dude i was standing behind had a picture of sprite and lean as his phone background. tight.
the first few performers were bad. then cardi b, definitely a huge celebrity crush of mine, did a dope performance. that was tight. then more shitty openers.
i’m no festival kid man. i have an apartment with a/c, a toilet, shower, couch, bed, tv, liquids, solids, all types of shit, and tbh idk why yall like decimating your legs, shoes, and ear drums for this kind of shit. but to each their uncomfortable own.
so i stand, shoulder to fuckin shoulder, with lean boy and another dude who looked like seth rogen, couldn’t have been more than 5′5″, and who popped his shirt off on like the 2nd fucking act, leaving me to brush up against his soft, freckled (i hope they were freckles) sweaty torso for 5 hours.
FINALLY we got to some decent performers. ot genasis was tight, pnb rock was tight, ty dolla sign was fine, kap g was tight, meek mill was…there.
and then we had kyle. super duper kyle. super duper why is he in a show called make trap great again kyle. i know like, a third of that iSpy song and his verse off of ‘wanna be cool.’ that is my entire library of knowledge on super duper kyle. he actually seems very nice and i would probably fuck with his stuff if i listened.
so he comes on stage and greets the crowd. he was a pretty good performer. he jumped around and did some choreographed dances with his dj that were cool. but then he wanted more.
he wanted to go in the crowd.
now i was in the second row of people, super close to the stage. like i said, the guy in front of me was lean guy and next to me was seth rogen. i am not tall by any standard, but i happened to be significantly taller than both of these guys. i’m assuming that’s why super duper kyle choose me.
super duper kyle ran up to the railing separating the crowd from the stage. i think he articulated that he was about to go in the crowd, but i don’t entirely remember. then i see an index finger. an index finger attached to a hand, attached to a wrist, attached to super duper kyle. pointing at me.
super duper kyle says, “you’re gonna help me!”
now at this point i’m thinking he’s going to jump on me to start a crowd surf.
no. he wanted more.
he wanted to WALK on the crowd.
super duper kyle puts his hand out and i put my right arm out. we grab hands. then there’s this kind of, pause. it was then that i realized what super duper kyle wanted.
super duper kyle goes, “Put your other hand out!”
i raise my left arm to a horizontal level for him to walk on. he looks down. i wish i could sell prints of his face in that moment. i will never forget it.
he’s realized he’s made a mistake. he raises his head and we look at each other.
mind you this all happened in the course of like, idk, 8 seconds. unless you were me or hassam or super duper kyle you probably didn’t realize what was happening.
but there i am. in a packed concert venue. on the last night of sxsw. hand in hand, eyes locked, with super duper kyle. he looked down again at my left arm. it was an incredible moment. it was jordan hitting the jumper on byron russell. it was vince carter jumping over frederic weis. it was AI stepping over tyronne lue.
it was beautiful. it was celestial. it was awkard. as fuck. lol.
after a couple seconds of just staring at each other, kyle quickly turned his attention to the people to my left. he found some able hands and proceeded to do his crowd walk.
i was embarrassed but, once again, i was able to promptly switch to, OH THIS IS GONNA GO FUCKING PERFECT IN THE BLOG!!!!! so thank ya’ll. thank ya’ll. thank ya’ll.
now, i didn’t notice this at the time. but hassam had the video on snapchat. super duper kyle, while starting to walk on the kids next to me, actually turned his head back at me and said, “thank you.”
any who. that’s it. Uzi was super tight to see live. not a great performer but i didn’t care. gucci did about a solid 15 minutes instead of the hour he was slated for. meek mill came out with a fucking cast on his arm.
and i got to meet super duper kyle. i would argue, intimately. i seriously doubt either one of us will ever forget that moment.
and to super duper kyle, no worries man. thank you for a cool performance and thank you for saying thank you.
that’s it. super duper.
next time, prayer guy returns.
if you read this far, tell me your favorite shoes you’ve ever owned
It is said that at the dawn of time, man, beast and all magical beings
lived together under Aiglin the Father Tree. But man had been created
with a hole in his heart, a hole that no possession, power or knowledge
could fill. And in his infinite greed, man dreamt of expanding his
dominion over the entire Earth. The blood of many an elf, ogre and
goblin was spilled in their war with man. And King Balor, the one-armed
king of Elfland, watched the slaughter in dread and despair. But one
day, the master of the goblin blacksmiths offered to build the king a
golden mechanical army, seventy times 70 soldiers that would never know
hunger and could not be stopped. Prince Nuada begged his father to
agree. ’Build me this army, ’ the king said. So a magical crown
was forged that would allow those of royal blood to command the Golden
Army if unchallenged. ‘I am King Balor, leader of the Golden Army. ls there anyone who disputes my right? ’ And in his throne room no one challenged his word.
So the world was changed, and the next time the humans marched,they felt the earth tremble beneath their feet and saw the sky darken with monstrous shapes. The Golden Army had no remorse felt no loyalty or pain. And King Balor’s heart grew heavy with regret. So he called a truce and divided the crown in three pieces, one for the humans, and two for himself. In exchange, man would keep to the cities and the magical beings would own the forests. This truce would be honored by their sons and the sons of their sons until the end of time. But Prince Nuada did not believe in the promises of man. And it is said that he went into exile, vowing to return the day his people needed him most. So the Golden Army lay dormant,locked inside the Earth, waiting. And there it is to this day, awaiting the day the crown is made whole again. Silent, still and indestructible.