the-major-hellsing

The Plot of Hellsing in a Nutshell

Dracula fights against a group of Nazi scientists creating an army of artificial vampires who is led by a short chubby nerd who wants to throw the world into war for shits and giggles. Also, a deranged priest bent on killing vampires is thrown into the mix and he hates Dracula and wants him dead. He’s under the employ of an even bigger nutjob who hates protestants and wants them all dead.

And then a big tittied Police Girl because it’s not an anime if there isn’t at least one girl with big titties.

“Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little… ‘Surprise.’ However, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors. I do not like war. I. LOVE. war. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche. Class war. You make it to work, und you find out that the annual drug test is today. Und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago with your wife’s awful parents. Drug war. But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-workers. Race war. Then, you try to post about it on your Facebook, but then all your friends start arguing about what’s right and what’s wrong. Flame war. You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: ‘Who get’s the box?’ ‘What’s in the box?’ ‘How much is what’s in the box worth?’ Storage Wars. What I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. Und with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I want a simple war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars… Und certainly, no Cold Wars! 

…Blueballed for 40 years 

What I want is a war that only we can bring. A true war! A German war! The sequel you’ve all been waiting for! I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!" 

-The Major, “Hellsing Ultimate Abridged”

Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: amusement park
  • Through the magic of me being the one writing this shit our favorite monsters that kill the other monster are at the amusement park. How are they doing, what are they doing?
  • Alucard: lurks in the shadows of the haunted house. Integra assumed he went home but no he's frightening hipsters. Only the hipsters.
  • Integra: I guess I could go on a ride or two. The Ferris wheel might be nice.
  • Seras: look a petting zoo! Roller coaster! Walter that ride goes upside down, let's go!
  • Walter: (what he says) I'm not sure I'm one for thrill rides Miss Victoria... (What he's thinking) "fuuuuuuucccckkkk yesssssss"
  • Pip: apparently this place has laser tag. He has not been seen since.
  • Anderson: "heathens, all of them. I'm going to pet the animals"
  • Major: Dok this place might be too much fun to blow up...just kidding!
  • Dok: what mad science created a deep fried Twinkie. I'll take 10.
  • Zorin: was not invited cause they suck
  • Heinkel and Yumie: *have been on the big roller coaster 20 times already and are showing no signs of slowing down. Part hard*
  • Maxwell: "Anderson do not touch the heathen animals!"
  • Captain: *totally not the dog in the petting zoo*
Reasons to love Hellsing Ultimate
  • All the best characters have glasses
  • Lots of characters have glasses, not just the “one nerdy person”
  • The Major is a Nazi, but not a cliched Hitler rip-off.
  • The series does not try to make humans look horrible, but rather shows what makes humanity great…even the vampire thinks humans are superior to vampires.
  • They managed to make a Nazi cat-boy meow in a menacing manner
  • This is one of the few English dubs that is actually better than the original Japanese.
  • No, seriously, I did a lot of comparing. The English writing and acting are both better.
  • Suddenly Priests are freaking Bada**
  • The Major ives really great speeches…even if they are about his love of war and destruction.
  • Integra is a strong woman who is not sexualized in any way. Heck, she could kick everyone’s butt.
  • Seras can switch between being terrifying to being adorable.
  • FEELS.
Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: Internet
  • A computer is placed in front of them. Lights camera action!
  • Alucard: "you humans and your technology... Let's see what we have here... *many hours pass* Master I purchased you a Victorian dress I believe would suit you from a place called eBay. it will arrive shortly"
  • Integra: "everyone is a fucking idiot"
  • Seras: "time to update my blog! Oh my god, Walter, LOOK at this cat vine!!"
  • Walter: "I already know how to use this. A gentlemen must keep up with the times of course! Is that a cat video, Miss Victoria?"
  • Pip: *censored*
  • Anderson: "The Crimson Fuker has poked you 666 times..." *impales computer*
  • The major: "Dok look at this! This is fantastic! It shows me all the pain and suffering in the world!"
Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: Water park
  • Who doesn't love a water park? A lot of people actually. That's exactly why our pals at Hellsing, millennium and Iscariot are there!
  • Alucard: he took on his female form and is working it! Sadly he got a headache and went home.
  • Integra: if you suggest that she get into a swim suit you will be shot. Repeatedly.
  • Seras: all the rides. All the men are staring.
  • Walter: lazy river. Bless this fucking place.
  • Pip: he is among the perverts looking at Seras. They go on rides together.
  • Anderson: "have you people no shame?"
  • Maxwell: read the above.
  • Heinkel and Yumie: making the tallest ride in the park their bitch.
  • The major: snack bar
  • Schrödinger: lounging in the sun.
  • Captain: with the cat boy.

This was quite a long one, and I am so sorry it took me so long, but here it is! And I am going to have this separate from this, which is how Millennium expresses their love, since this could be a little different.

GIF Request: How They Flirt - Hellsing + Millennium + Iscariot

Alucard

This smooth-mofo is incredibly knowledgeable on what and how to seduce his partner. He knows exactly what will make his partner blush and what will get them in the mood.

Integra

Most of the time, Integra is not one to flirt. She is not one to flirt, instead allowing her partner to flirt with her. She will tend to resist up to a point before giving in and allowing herself to get lost in their affections

Seras

Seras is a very shy flirt, shooting her interest lots of glances. At times, she will try to throw in a line or two, but will stutter it out and not know exactly how to handle it.

Pip

Pip is, as we already know, incredibly smooth. His flirtatious gestures are always the perfect mix of subtlety and obviousness so that his partner understands the intent without being put off too much.

Walter

Walter has a plethora of pick-up lines, all of which range from corny to incredibly smooth. Whatever the case, his lines tend to fluster his partner, which is exactly what he wanted.

The Major

His flirtations would most likely come during dinners that they have together, since that would be his only calm time with them. He can actually be pretty smooth at times, though sometimes comes across as creepy when he gives gestures or looks.

The Doctor

The Doctor is surprisingly playful, though only when his partner initiates it. He will be doing something serious and then his partner may come in and do something mischievous. If it were anyone but them, he would be angry, but plays back with them instead.

The Captain

He will flirt by highlighting his skill, showing that he can take care of you. As shown above, he may include you in said workouts, sneaking in kisses or nuzzles whenever he is able.

Schrodinger

His flirts would be playful and not seemingly serious since he’ll compare you to silly things and just make playful jests and gestures.

Zorin

Zorin is awful with compliments and isn’t able to rightly show her affection. Any kind of show either comes across as rude, insincere, or creepy. Her partner is going to need to get used to this and be able to recognize her trying to be affectionate.

Rip

Rip is a clumsy lover, trying to be seductive, but many times falling around or stumbling over her words. Most of the time, though she is embarrassed, her partner finds it incredibly cute.

Luke

Luke really enjoys showing off for his partner, whether that means showing off physically or mentally. Knowing that his partner thinks he is amazing is very important to him.

Jan

Not only does he use innuendos at all times, he also tends to be rather playful as well, touching his partner whenever he can. Of course, sometimes he can be a little too rough for them, but always tries to make up for it by further playfulness.

Tubalcain

Tubalcain is incredibly vocal with his affections, telling his partner how much he cares about them and how amazing he finds them, always reminding them how much he sees in them.

Enrico

Enrico, like most of the Iscariot, is unable to show traditional affection since he would have to hide his relationship. Instead, he would leave little gifts for his partner, mostly sentimental ones, anonymously.

Anderson

Anderson and his partner are not able to be a normal couple, not even being able to express affection normally. His flirtations more come from sincere confessions of love and compliments.

Yumie/Yumiko

Both personalities are ecstatic lovers, tending to their love’s needs in attentive ways. As well, she tends to be rather playful, enjoying surprising her partner, the nature of which depends on which side is in control at the time.

Heinkel

Oh my God forgive me for this GIF. Heinkel is actually rather awkward at times when it comes to flirting. They will try to be smooth, but will sometimes comes across as confusing or strange.