“Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little… ‘Surprise.’ However, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors. I do not like war. I. LOVE. war. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche. Class war. You make it to work, und you find out that the annual drug test is today. Und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago with your wife’s awful parents. Drug war. But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-workers. Race war. Then, you try to post about it on your Facebook, but then all your friends start arguing about what’s right and what’s wrong. Flame war. You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: ‘Who get’s the box?’ ‘What’s in the box?’ ‘How much is what’s in the box worth?’ Storage Wars. What I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. Und with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I want a simple war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars… Und certainly, no Cold Wars! 

…Blueballed for 40 years 

What I want is a war that only we can bring. A true war! A German war! The sequel you’ve all been waiting for! I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!" 

-The Major, “Hellsing Ultimate Abridged”

Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: amusement park
  • Through the magic of me being the one writing this shit our favorite monsters that kill the other monster are at the amusement park. How are they doing, what are they doing?
  • Alucard:lurks in the shadows of the haunted house. Integra assumed he went home but no he's frightening hipsters. Only the hipsters.
  • Integra:I guess I could go on a ride or two. The Ferris wheel might be nice.
  • Seras:look a petting zoo! Roller coaster! Walter that ride goes upside down, let's go!
  • Walter:(what he says) I'm not sure I'm one for thrill rides Miss Victoria... (What he's thinking) "fuuuuuuucccckkkk yesssssss"
  • Pip:apparently this place has laser tag. He has not been seen since.
  • Anderson:"heathens, all of them. I'm going to pet the animals"
  • Major:Dok this place might be too much fun to blow up...just kidding!
  • Dok:what mad science created a deep fried Twinkie. I'll take 10.
  • Zorin:was not invited cause they suck
  • Heinkel and Yumie:*have been on the big roller coaster 20 times already and are showing no signs of slowing down. Part hard*
  • Maxwell:"Anderson do not touch the heathen animals!"
  • Captain:*totally not the dog in the petting zoo*
Reasons to love Hellsing Ultimate
  • All the best characters have glasses
  • Lots of characters have glasses, not just the “one nerdy person”
  • The Major is a Nazi, but not a cliched Hitler rip-off.
  • The series does not try to make humans look horrible, but rather shows what makes humanity great…even the vampire thinks humans are superior to vampires.
  • They managed to make a Nazi cat-boy meow in a menacing manner
  • This is one of the few English dubs that is actually better than the original Japanese.
  • No, seriously, I did a lot of comparing. The English writing and acting are both better.
  • Suddenly Priests are freaking Bada**
  • The Major ives really great speeches…even if they are about his love of war and destruction.
  • Integra is a strong woman who is not sexualized in any way. Heck, she could kick everyone’s butt.
  • Seras can switch between being terrifying to being adorable.
  • FEELS.
Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: Internet
  • A computer is placed in front of them. Lights camera action!
  • Alucard:"you humans and your technology... Let's see what we have here... *many hours pass* Master I purchased you a Victorian dress I believe would suit you from a place called eBay. it will arrive shortly"
  • Integra:"everyone is a fucking idiot"
  • Seras:"time to update my blog! Oh my god, Walter, LOOK at this cat vine!!"
  • Walter:"I already know how to use this. A gentlemen must keep up with the times of course! Is that a cat video, Miss Victoria?"
  • Pip:*censored*
  • Anderson:"The Crimson Fuker has poked you 666 times..." *impales computer*
  • The major:"Dok look at this! This is fantastic! It shows me all the pain and suffering in the world!"
Hellsing Headcanon Time!!!: Water park
  • Who doesn't love a water park? A lot of people actually. That's exactly why our pals at Hellsing, millennium and Iscariot are there!
  • Alucard:he took on his female form and is working it! Sadly he got a headache and went home.
  • Integra:if you suggest that she get into a swim suit you will be shot. Repeatedly.
  • Seras:all the rides. All the men are staring.
  • Walter:lazy river. Bless this fucking place.
  • Pip:he is among the perverts looking at Seras. They go on rides together.
  • Anderson:"have you people no shame?"
  • Maxwell:read the above.
  • Heinkel and Yumie:making the tallest ride in the park their bitch.
  • The major:snack bar
  • Schrödinger:lounging in the sun.
  • Captain:with the cat boy.