Notes from Batdad

-The No-Kill rule is not “More like a guideline than an actual rule” Jason. Stop telling Damian that.

-The Batmobile is not for joyriding. 

-The Batmobile is not for “picking up chicks”.

-The Batmobile is not for giving Damian driving lessons.

-None of you are allowed to drive the Batmobile. Ever.

-Tim is not a toy.

-Patrol is not for gossiping about which of the super criminals are dating.

-Glitter bombs are not and will never be standard equipment.

-Stop trying to one-up each other on how much tragedy you’ve gone through. It’s distracting.

-Just because Edward Nigma has reformed does not mean you can invite him over for Trivial Pursuit night.

-The costumes are not for getting a drink discount at the Iceberg Lounge.

-Most of you aren’t even legally allowed to drink.

-The next person who calls me a player or a manwhore is grounded. Yes, even you Dick.

-Stealing the tires from the Batmobile is not an acceptable Father’s Day present.

Because people are idiots, Gotham actually makes a ton of money off of Batman tours. Groups tour Killer Croc’s sewer system, pay for seats in the Ice Lounge when crime rates are high, walk through Arkham Asylum, and book luxury protected hotels with panoramic bulletproof windows in the most dangerous parts of the city, labelled ‘vigilante hot spots.’ Wayne Enterprises has actually been criticized for denouncing these tours in public.


Gotham City Visit! #OnlyInGotham

-Bright orangle girl just /flew/ by and smacked some guy’s butt? Called him circus boy…#Oookay #OnlyInGotham

-His little brother started laughing, and big bro (kinda hot) tried giving him a wedgie. Now they’re kung fu fighting in the middle of the street #OnlyInGotham

-LOL…Aquaman @ local aquarium crying over manatee enclosure, keeps muttering ‘how could you let this happen Bruce’ #ICant #OnlyInGotham

-Poison Ivy kneeling right next to Aquaman, crying over saltwater plants #UnspokenBonds #OnlyInGotham

-First time @ Iceberg Lounge, asked beautiful woman (w/ pearl necklace) what she was drinking. Milk???? #Weird #OnlyInGotham #WheresMyWallet

-At Wayne Enterprises speech, in middle of crowd & my friend called Bruce Wayne ‘daddy’. His adopted daughter shot us a death glare #Howdidyouevenhearthat #OnlyInGotham

-Still at speech, Daily Planet is covering it & people keep asking Lois Lane for autographs. Vicki Vale from Gotham Gazette looks furious.. #BadBlood #OnlyInGotham

-Got into a cab, but faceless woman threw out the driver, told me to get out. I asked why and she says ‘Why indeed? That is the right Question’ in deep voice. #DontDoDrugsKids #OnlyInGotham

-At Gotham International Airport, in coffee shop. Redhead in wheelchair opened her bag to get out laptop..100% sure she has a crossbow in there… #OnlyInGotham

-Finally back at home, but my apartment complex has been smashed into smithereens. #ThankGodForInsurance #OnlyInMetropolis

canon batman villains: literal thieves and murderers, mostly crazed loners who burn all their bridges, freaks and monsters

fanon batman villains: ayeeee lmao they’re all shitbag friends who hang out at the iceberg lounge together and need a couple of drinks to actually get along. they fight all the time but major arguments usually blow over within a few weeks. Also they’re gay

harley and ivy’s relationship becoming public to the rogues gallery in the most unconventional situation like. during a heated game of twister. it’s a slow day so a bunch of the villains that can actually stand each other are day drinking in the iceberg lounge. harley bursts through the door with the twister board. cobblepot is immediately like: DON’T bcos he knows how this ends, dammit, with the the lounge on fire of under water or over run by plants but he gets shouted down or like, tied up in the back room. 

 harvey is on spinning duty bcos last time two-face started a fist fight over monopoly so he cant be trusted not to murder someone over twister. ivy excuses herself bcos they’re all idiots and someone is going to have to help them when they inevitably get injured. selina is super flexible so she’s just doing a handstand while her body is stretched over scarecrow’s to get her foot in the right spot. harley has zero sense of personal space and gives no fucks so she’s just crouched in selina’s face trying to tickle her with her nose to get her out. edward somehow ends up with both feet on opposite ends of the mat but he needs to win for his ego’s sake so doesn’t admit he’s in pain and just stands there practically during the splits with his legs burning. jonathan gets himself out bcos selina’s using him as a human couch and his face is about to be in edward’s ass and honestly something things just aren’t worth doing to win. then harley has to twist herself into an awkward position for the next move and everyone’s like “how are you’d doing that omg doesn’t it hurt???” and she’s like “i have a lot of experience getting into different positions” and looks pointedly at ivy. 

 and ivy fucking WINKS 

 selina’s screaming “I FUCKING KNEW IT!” overbalances and sends harley and edward crashing into the mat. harvey’s laughing so hard he trips on the spinner and falls on his face and jonathan chokes on his drink when he sees this. ivy just sips her drink with a smirk on her face. ivy is the true winner here

Batman Headcanons: Holiday Edition

-Every year, Dick and Alfred make a big effort to make sure everyone in the Batfam gets together for Christmas dinner and a showing of It’s a Wonderful Life. When Jason finally showed up to one, it was the best Christmas Alfred had had for a long time.

-Oswald has a Holiday party at the Iceberg Lounge for the Rogues every year as well. Everyone’s invited, except the Joker.

-Cassandra and Alfred usually handle gift wrapping. Everyone else is kind of hopeless at it.

-One year, some guy decided to try his hand at being a supervillain and invaded a shopping mall dressed as the Krampus. Unfortunately for him, Stephanie was at that same mall shopping and she had dragged Damian along. Well, at least Damian had a good time.

-Jason gets on the news at least once every year for beating up a perp dressed as Santa. Tim thinks he does it on purpose. 

-Thanks to Poison Ivy’s antics over the years, a large portion of Gotham has switched to plastic Christmas trees.

-Riddler was once confused for one of Santa’s elves by a group of little kids. It was an uncomfortable experience for him. Selina never lets him live it down.

tbh i want harley and croc to be friends in the suicide squad simply so things in the past can be hinted at but never fully elaborated on conversations like “remember that time in arkham when-” and “last christmas at the iceberg lounge when you-” and they just break off into fits of wheezing laughter and the rest of the squad just stare at them like??? and everybody in the audience wants to know these stories but they’re never explained in any detail