On the Internet, he’s a whole ‘nother kind of bandit.

The 6 Craziest Pieces of Christmas Fan Fiction

#6. Captain’s First Hanukkah

Contrary to what you may believe, fan fiction isn’t limited to fantasizing about imaginary characters. Real people have had oodles of erotic fanfics written about them, from Barack Obama and Lady Gaga to … Johnathan Hillstrand from The Deadliest Catch. … It seems Captain Hillstrand can bring a woman to orgasm faster than he can … shuck a crab, or whatever it is crab fishermen do.

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That ain’t the half of it.

5 Insane Things ‘Deadliest Catch’ Leaves Out About My Job

#3. It’s an Insane, All-Out Gold Rush

Because of the fishes’ selfish tendency to threaten to go extinct every time we humans attack them en masse, the whole fishing industry has to be tightly regulated. It’s necessary to prevent overfishing, but also results in a crazy stampede the moment the season arrives. Basically, each part of the sea is open for a specific amount of time (down to the second) for fishing. Once it’s open, it’s fair game — catch as much as you can. The second it closes, you’re done. Some openers are only for a couple hours, and once it’s over, it’s over, like the final buzzer in basketball. Once, we thought we were 30 seconds late in closing our net, so we cut everything we had loose. It was rough to watch 45 minutes of work swim away, but it’s better to be safe than sorry — the enforcers of these rules (the Department of Fish and Game) are no joke. If you put a single fish in your hold after close, they’ll take every fish on your boat and potentially revoke your boat’s fishing license. Your entire small business dies on the spot.

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