the-day-we-broke-up

considering the facts that: my ex has a) hung himself & died for five minutes bc his family is homophobic & he wanted to be with me b) got discharged after a few weeks & ran to me to try & work things out but ended up forcing himself on me despite me saying no nonstop w a witness present c) threatened to kill himself bc i wouldn’t take him back d) threatened to hit me bc i wouldn’t take him back e) threatened to runaway bc i wouldn’t take him back f) begged me to run away with him & then proceed to tell me how i feel regardless of me telling him i don’t want to be with him g) continue to tell me we are together when we broke up the day after he hung himself + i told him to leave me alone bc he snorts coke, his family harasses me, is completely reckless & impulsive + calls me in the middle of the night nonstop to go “save” him when he’s drunk in some random bar in flushing h) manipulated me into doing things for him on the basis of the fact that he loves me i) disregarded me telling him to stay away & then showing up at my apt at 4am drunk, i’ve been keeping myself together pretty well.

although now i’m at a loss of what to do bc he won’t leave me alone & keeps threatening me + threatening to kill himself or do some reckless things like snort coke again but idk how to get him to leave me alone. his family made him move back in w them & idk the address so i can’t even call the cops on him when he pulls this crap.

i’m exhausted. these past few months have been so tiring. edit; johnathan actually brought up smth really important to me. russell also continues to misgender me, & in the middle of our relationship he actually asked me to detransition for him. tip to my followers: if someone asks you to give up who you are they aren’t in love w you. they’re in love w the idea of you. he doesn’t love me. he’s obsessed with a fabricated version of me he created.

baby boy

tracklist: 

  1. gr8u - vixx
  2. shaking heart - c-clown
  3. sunshine - b1a4
  4. hey girl - b1a4
  5. the day we broke up - zea5
  6. on and on - boyfriend
  7. boyfriend - boyfriend
  8. unordinary girl - block b
  9. second confession - btob
  10. man in love - infinite
  11. a - got7
  12. falling in luv - uniq
When we broke up, 
I didn’t shower for days.
Your smell still lingered on my skin,
and it was the only thing that was left from you
except an old worn out sweater and a picture of us two at our favourite spot.
After those days though,
the only thing I smelled like was 
blood, sweat, tears and my best friends bed.
Once I finally took a shower, 
it took me 2 hours and a half because 
I just sat down in my bath 
and cried 
and cried 
and cried.
I changed the color of the blue shower curtains to purple.
Because everything felt so ugly.
Because I loved you blindly and you couldn’t even see it.
Christ, I don’t even know why I am even writing about you right now.
My therapist told me that there were other things to write about: beautiful things.
Things that wouldn’t make me feel like I was missing ribs and my heart escaped somewhere in the city.
Things that didn’t involve spending hours at a crappy party, drinking straight vodka that will never taste as bitter as the memory of you kissing me.
Deep down,
I know my therapist is right; writing about you keeps your ghost alive and I know it more than anybody,
with whom do you think I share my bed every night?
The only problem is that when I am on the bus and see a beautiful tree that inspires me to write, the only thing that spills out of my pen is how the tree’s branches look exactly like the veins on your arm.
The worst is that, the last few months, the only thing I could feel when I was thinking about you or writing about you, (which was all the time) was pain.
Excruciating pain.
Pain you may feel when all the bones in your body are broken.
Pain you may feel when you love someone that you cannot kiss anymore.
Now almost 8 months have passed and I am just so god damn tired.
It’s crazy isn’t it?
How 8 months ago,
I asked you to be mine and sealed that promise with a kiss.
And now,
I’d drown my own brain in bleach to forget how I felt when you kissed my neck and whispered, “You are mine.”
—  I miss you but I’ll be alright
I still love you. You fucking left and I still love you. I want to hate you so bad for this. I want to scream in your face about how broken you left me. I gave up everything for you. My friends, my family, my social life. Everything that I valued in life I gave up for you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for acting like you cared. Fuck you for moving on three days after we broke up. Fuck you for coming back and acting like you fucking cared just to ignore me and leave again. Fuck you for destroying my life.
I still think about your eyes that day. The day you took away our last chance. We spent more time trying to get back what we had than we had actually been together. We tried. Or at least, god, I did. I tried so damn hard. Over and over. For months, whenever you came crawling back, I still felt the fireworks when you kissed me. But that morning, sitting next to the river struggling to break the awkward silence….the fireworks were gone. I didn’t feel a spark. Only emptiness. For the first time, I didn’t want to be near you. I wanted to be anywhere but sitting there. That was the day we really died, even if it was a year after we broke up. So when you called me last month asking for it just one more time…it used to always be yes with you. No matter the question, the answer was always yes. Now I can’t imagine anything but no.
—  Fireworks are loud, brilliant, and over far too soon
i have never been good at
keeping track of days.
no, i don’t know how many days until thanksgiving.
no, i can’t remember when we broke up.

but if you were to ask me
right now
how many days clean i am,
i would know.
it’s not something so easily
forgotten.
it’s like i’m slowly ticking boxes,
and i finally have something
to work for.
—  j.e.b. ((21.))

have you ever had one of those situations where you’re attracted to a person and they’re attracted to you and you both know it but you’re both so awkward that it still takes a bit of alcohol for stuff to happen