unless we live in one of the major cities we will always be stared at. sometimes even then. i want you to know that you’re fucking strong for taking that every day. every “are you a boy or a girl?” and every nasty person who outright stands in front of you and stares like it’s their right, like your body and expression is some museum exhibit. know that we’re all in that situation together. being gnc is harsh on us, and we have to take a lot of shit from everyone. even other lesbians. we’re never truly safe anywhere. and enduring that takes heart, babe.
post is 100% including trans butches and 100% excluding terfs
So, my friend (I feel I should add that she’s straight) thinks she has this fantastic gaydar, but all she can do is point to someone and say they’re gay based on how they talk, act, and/or dress.
My friends and I have repeatedly told her that you can’t just say someone’s gay because they’re not acting straight in the conditional ways; that just because a man dresses nicely, talks in a more feminine way, and is sassy doesn’t mean he’s gay. The same goes for women who dress and act more masculine.
I remember I wore loose fitted, light jeans with a men’s XS cute little tee and she told me I was full on stereotyping and I was slightly offended because:
She was stereotyping me.
She was stereotyping all women who decide to dress more “butch” or masculine like.
She was stereotyping me as a lesbian, and she knows I don’t identify as one.
I quite liked that outfit and I didn’t like it being labeled as a “stereotypical lesbian” outfit. I didn’t wear it because of that, I wore it because I liked how the outfit looked, and how it was comfy as hell.
Another example is she went on about how her gaydar glitched the other day while at work when a guy came in and she knew that he HAD to be gay. SO she continues the story and she mentioned that he was engaged and she was going to congratulate him on being engaged to his boyfriend, but luckily, her coworker stepped in and said something along the lines of “I’m so happy you proposed to her!” That then confused my friend because she just knewhe was gay. I tried to say, you know, maybe he was bisexual and that he had found his true love and proposed to her…but she just kinda shook her head and said something along the lines of, “Yeah but like…just the way he acted…I could’ve sworn I was getting a gay vibe!”
So, here’s my dilemma: how does a person tell another that their gaydar is shit and that they need to just stop trying to figure out peoples sexualities because they’re just perpetuating stereotypes and they may end up hurting someones feelings in doing so.
Also I’m adding this in here just as a reminder:
You’re in no way entitled to dress a certain way because of your sex or gender, or what other people say. If you want to wear a dress, then you wear a dress. If you want to wear a suit every day, then be Barney Stinson and suit up. If you choose to wear non gender conforming clothes then do so! It’s your body, your life, and your style. You get to choose how you dress!
Told this regular who has a crush on me (flirty eyes, always calls me baby and darling EXCEPT when her girlfriend comes in with her lmaoooo but her gf is this sweet butch who only gets her drink on days I’m there because she’s convinced they taste better and we’re all cool) that I’m into shooting because she asked about my weekend plans and she was so surprised omg. People always are to find out that I like going dancing and shooting, and they’re also generally surprised if they ask me for my view of pacisism. Julia’s not quite as mild as she seems! I got some stuff going on!
in a turn of events that surprised nobody, the loser who posted that “trust no butch” thing is bisexual, and also a HUGE fucking racist/antisemite/general bad person, and posts porn - and in an actual surprising turn of events (rly) hates trans people. so uh anyway don’t click her blog cuz she’s garbage.
As someone who’s really into butch girls, I can tell you that when I think of butch girls the first image to come to mind is ALWAYS a chubby butch girl because guess what? You’re hot as fuck!!!!! It’s WILD!!!!! Be confident, girl! Work it!
I know there’s a widespread lack of understanding/context on this, but “butch” and “femme” are not a spectrum with every possible experience falling in between them somewhere. they are not just synonyms for “masculine and feminine”. it’s more than that. butch is not synonymous to “gender nonconforming” and femme is not the same thing as “gender conforming”.
butch and femme are a distinct identity framework that developed around certain forms of expression, presentation and interactions between women who loved and had sex with each other and that remains true now. butch falls within the category of gnc womanhood, but there are things specific to butchness that are not shared by every gnc woman. likewise, femme women may be feminine, but are not gender conforming. there are gender nonconformances that femme women share, culturally indicated behaviors, markers of expression etc that femme women engage in that do not read as gender conforming - which is why I can often (not always but often) tell a femme woman from a straight woman. not to say that one can always read an identity from stereotypes, but indicators/signals are a thing.
the “futch spectrum” post(s) that went ‘high femme, femme, futch, butch, stone butch’ or w/e, was brought up as a lesbian tumblr joke, but ended up confusing a lot of ppl about what butch and femme are. ppl who took that spectrum seriously got this perspective of it as “super girly, girly, in the middle, not girly, really masculine” which is… not at all how butch and femme work as identifiers. if you don’t identify as one or the other you don’t have to pick an awkward spot on a spectrum between them because those things aren’t a spectrum. you’re either butch, femme, or neither and being neither and not identifying with that framework is just fine and not uncommon.
I think in order for ppl to understand more about how “butch” and “femme” came into use (especially in the gay bar scene among other related places in the 60′s), and what those identities entailed, it’s important to read literature, for example, like Stone Butch Blues. that’s only one title and there are others but that’s the first one that pops into my head. feel free to reblog with others. the way butch and femme developed in the time portrayed in that literature are not necessarily reflective of the exact way they are today, but it does give a background context, and introduces the concept that not every gay woman identifies as butch or femme and that’s been true since the start of their use.
summary: the butch/femme framework is a specific cultural dynamic. there’s variety within it, and sub-groups and labels that different femme and butch women use to describe themselves. but even with that variety, not every gnc woman is going to fit within a butch narrative (or want to at all). femme women are gnc to certain degrees. many women are not either. and u just can’t equate “femme” and “butch” with masculine and feminine, or with an all encompassing spectrum that everything falls in, because it doesn’t.