the-afterlife

I can’t stop thinking about the wisecrack carrie fisher would make about debbie reynolds dying a day after her: the joke about her family, always bringing the drama, the ‘she couldn’t stand to let me have all the attention even when I had just died. I want you all to remember that I did it first.’  

I like to imagine her in the afterlife adding material to her stand up: ‘I’m really disappointed to be here tonight, I was hoping I’d get to haunt george lucas for that metal bikini.’ ‘do you know how long the line for this place is? I flipped off nancy reagan and fidel castro on the way in. ’ ‘when I said dear lord please don’t let me live to see that orange buffoon be president I should have been a helluva lot more specific.’

playing to a sold out audience, her mother in the front row. bowie and rickman at a table in the back. 

There is a certain booth in a certain Denny’s haunted by the ghost of Andy Jones. His tortured soul remains barred from the afterlife lest he settle his unfinished business, an unfinished glass of Fanta. At certain times of night you can hear him. “sip”…”sip”…”sip”. But like Sisyphus and his boulder, every time Andy’s Fanta nears the bottom of the glass, a server comes by to top him off. Always tending to the refills. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. Trapping him forever in this ether between the realms of the living and the dead.

the signs after they die

aries: rules hell
taurus: becomes a comet
gemini: starts a new life with no memories of the past one
cancer: goes to heaven
leo: starts a new life as a god
virgo: goes to hell
libra: stays in earth as a ghost
scorpio: marries aries
sagittarius: rules heaven
capricorn: becomes a planet
aquarius: starts a new life in another constellation
pisces: becomes a mermaid

the hufflepuff

Teddy’s sorting as seen by the Marauders


Tonks: He will be a Hufflepuff.

Sirius: Gryffindor.

Tonks: Hufflepuff

Sirius: No!

Tonks: Yes.

Remus: SHUT IT.

Tonks: It’s not my fault if your boyfriend doesn’t understand Teddy will be a Hufflepuff.

Sirius: No he will be–

Remus: *firmly* Padfoot.

Sirius: *obeys like a puppy*

Tonks: See? I–

Remus: You, too. They are at I. Teddy, will be on the stool soon.

James: *grinning* This place will be hell for all of you when Harry’s children get sorted.

Lily: He means it. You should have seen him at Harry’s sorting.

Teddy sits on the stool.

Sirius: *to himself* Come on, say he’s a Gryffindor.

Tonks: *whispering* Hufflepuff. Hufflepuff. Mum raised you right, now come on.

Remus: They are both nuts.

James: Well, you have a type Moony.

Hufflepuff!

Tonks: Teddy YES!

Sirius: Teddy NO!

Lily: *smiling* Did he just–

Remus: *laughing* His hair is purple.

James: *grinning* Look at Minnie, I think she is about to cry.

Sirius: I feel betrayed. James why are you so happy?

James: I mean, uh, I kinda knew he would be a Hufflepuff.

Sirius: *stares*

Lily: It was kind of obvious, Sirius.

Tonks: *stifles her laughter*

Remus: You know the drill Pads, he was raised by Andy after all. She raised Tonks, too. It’s just how it works.

Sirius: Still, a man can hope.

Tonks: I’m sure Weasley and Potter kids will make up for this. 

James: Oh, they will. Don’t worry. The Potter clan will all be in Gryffindor, we got this.

Lily: James!

James: Don’t fight me on this woman. 

Remus: *laughing* I still do think he has a bit of Gryffindor in him. 

Sirius: *excitedly* That’s the spirit.

Remus: But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m proud to have a Hufflepuff son.

Lily: As you should.

James: Now what? We wait another 6 years for James to get sorted?

Tonks: I’m pretty sure Teddy will give us a good amount of mischief until he arrives.

Remus: Of course he will, he’s directly related to a Marauder after all.

Sirius: The most dangerous one to be exact.

Tonks: How?

James: Who do you think was the mastermind of all those pranks Dora?

Tonks: *gesturing to James and Sirius* You two!

Lily: Oh honey, it was Remus. I learned when it was too late, too.

Remus: *grinning* I mostly got away with it, too.

Tonks: We are in for some serious fun then.

Everyone stares at Tonks.

Tonks: *panicking* I mean we are in for some good fun.

Sirius: Yes, we are.

Teddy Remus Lupin

Teddy’s birth as seen by Lily, James and a very jealous Sirius


Sirius: I don’t like babies.

Lily: You almost died of happiness when you first held Harry. You even cried.

Sirius: *hissing* I did no such thing because I don’t like babies.

James: *grinning* Maybe it’s just this one baby Pads.

Sirius: Shut it, Prongs.

Lily: Another war baby, I hope his fate will be different.

James: It will be because this time the war will end, Lils.

Sirius: Tell me when it’s over.

James: You had begged to be there when Evans gave birth?

Sirius: I was young and stupid.

Lily: Aren’t you being a little bit too dramatic? You should be happy. It’s Remus for heaven’s sake.

Sirius: *sarcastically* I’m so happy that the love of my life is having a baby from my cousin’s daughter.

Lily: When you say it like that..

Sirius: *impatiently* Well, that’s how it is.

James: *excited* He is here and he looks like a handsome potato.

Lily: Oh this is weird.

Sirius: What is weird?

James: Let’s just say all those cousin marriages took it’s toll on your gene pool Pads.

Sirius: What the fuck are you talking about?

Lily: *quietly* He looks like you.

Sirius: You have got to be fucking kidding me.

James: Um, yeah, no.

Lily: Can I ask something? How will they know if he’s a werewolf or not?

Sirius: Full moon, there’s no other way to know. *pauses, stares at the baby* He really looks like me.

James: I think there’s another way.

Sirius: No, there i–

Lily: His hair is becoming ginger?

Sirius: *relieved* IS HE A METAMORPHMAGUS?

James: Apparently.

Sirius: It’s impossible to dislike him and I’m trying really hard.

Lily: Teddy.

Sirius: What?

Lily: His name is Teddy Remus.

James: *laughing* Oh, now that’s cheating. Harry James, Teddy Remus I mean, come on Moony.

Sirius: He always thought he couldn’t ever have a child because he wasn’t entitled to it being the monster he is. I tried to tell him maybe thousand times, look at his face.

Lily: You like Teddy, don’t you?

Sirius: Of course I like him, I love him even. Look at how Moony’s face lit up, I haven’t seen his eyes glow like that in years.

James: Now, he has a reason to survive.

Lily: Did Remus just apparate from the side of his new born baby and wife?

James: He did, where is he Pads?

Sirius: He’s at the Weasley cottage where Harry’s hiding.

James: He is scaring the living shit out of them.

Lily: *smiling* Ah, I missed excited Remus.

Remus hugs Harry.

James: *longingly* Hug him for us, too, Moony.

“You’ll be godfather?” he said as he released Harry. 

Lily: *starts crying* Merlin, Remus must you make me cry? 

James: *his hands in his hair* My son is the godfather of my best friend’s boy. I never knew I wanted this until this moment.

Sirius: *sadly* He will be a better godfather than I ever was.

James: Pads. we chose you. Me and Evans. We chose you because we knew you were perfect for it and you did everything you could.

Sirius: Yeah, I got myself locked up in Azkaban.

Lily: No one is blaming you for that, not us, not Harry.

James: Harry loved you even though you had two years together, you were his Paddy and he was your fawn. I wouldn’t have even dreamed of making another person the godfather of my first child.

Lily: *staring into distance* We were going to have enough kids for each one of you to become godfathers but you, you were the obvious first choice. You are James’ brother, please stop feeling guilty about this. 

James: *trying to cheer Sirius up* Let’s enjoy this moment mate, imagine how punk rock this kid would be.

Sirius: *softly smiling as he’s staring at his hands* Very.

Lily: Come on let’s just watch Remus before the dark times start again.

Sirius: Yeah, you are right. To Teddy Lupin then.

James & Lily: To Teddy Lupin.

redhead

*Sectumsempra*

Lily: No! Harry! 

James: *panicking* I know that spell from somewhere, Blondie needs help immediately. Merlin’s pants Myrtle he’s not dead STOP shouting!

Lily: He’s about to be, it can’t be.. no. That bloody book, that is a very dark spell Jamie

Sirius: Trust me knows, he was hit by it.

Lily: WHAT?!

James: *through his teeth* Padfoot!

Sirius: We are all dead Prongs, it doesn’t matter if she knows or not really.

James: You son of a–

Sirius: Bitch. I know, I lived with her for sixteen years.

Lily: Who?

James: Doesn’t matter.

Lily: *fuming* I. said. WHO

James: *giving up* Snivellus. Dumbledore healed me pretty fast, I didn’t have many scars so I decided to keep it to myself than to hurt you.

Sirius: Speak of the devil

*Snape heals Draco and comes back to order Harry to bring his school bag*

Lily: He’s gonna have to give that stupid book to him eventually

Sirius: *smirking* Not necessarily

Lily: Sirius, I will drag you to hell myself and hand you over to Walburga if you don’t shut it.

James: He’s going to the Room of Requirements to hide his book, I can’t believe we didn’t include that in the Map.

Lily: Jamie, this is so not the time love.

James: Alright alright, got it.

*Snape checks Harry’s copy of Advanced Potion Making”

Sirius: Seriously Harry? Roonil Wazlib and the best you can come up with is “That’s my nickname”?

Lily: He’s in so much trouble, he’s done for–

James: Lily calm down a little.

Lily: He almost killed that boy!

Sirius: Well he’s up to something for Voldemort, didn’t you see his arm?

Lily: Doesn’t mean he has to die! Don’t you ever think of Regulus and how he was forced into all of this?

James: LILY!

Sirius: Don’t you dare talk about him again Evans.

Lily: I– I’m sorry.

*“Well, we shall see how you feel after your detentions,” said Snape. “Ten o’clock Saturday morning, Potter. My office.” “But sir…” said Harry, looking up desperately. “Quidditch… the last match of the…” “Ten o’clock,” whispered Snape, with a smile that showed his yellow teeth. “Poor Gryffindor, fourth place this year, I fear”* 

James: That fucking wanker, he did that on purpose. He’s gonna miss the final game. I miss the days with Charlie Weasley, he was one hell of a captain *both Sirius and Lily don’t talk* I will never understand why he went for dragons instead of eternal glory on the field.


*Day of the match and Harry’s detention*

Sirius: Snivellus didn’t just give him our detentions to go through.

James: Yes, yes he did.

Sirius: Merlin I hate him more than I did 20 years ago, I never thought that was possible.

Lily: *shyly* He does that to make sure he reads your name, Sirius. Harry is used to his comments about James but your absence is new to him. He’s just being his cruel self.

Sirius: Well fuck him, Jamie how is the game going? 

James: Not bad, not bad at all. Redhead is actually pretty good.

*Hour and a half later*

James: *cheering* THEY WON! 

Lily: *surprised* Really?

James: Redhead caught the snitch! I can’t believe this, they won!

*half an hour later*

Sirius: Harry’s off of detention and he’s going to the common room now.

James: Well, a pleasant surprise will be waiting for him.

Lily: Ah look at them, there’s Ginny oh.. OH! Well that’s a way to celebrate

Sirius: YES! LOOK AT THE LITTLE FAWN

James: *dancing* SHE’S A REDHEAD MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE

Sirius: *grinning* Resemblance is uncanny.

Lily: Harry, love maybe that’s enough, Ron is watching.

James: And she loves Quidditch

Lily: Molly’s gonna be happy

Sirius: Happy is a very underrated word but wait til the twins find out.

James: And have you seen one of her Bat-Bogey hexes? That girl is awesome.

Sirius: If you are done swooning over your future bride Prongs..

Lily: He secretly wanted them to be together since he rescued Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets, leave him be. It took Harry sometime to take his head out of his ass to see Ginny.

Sirius: *smirking* Evans! That’s your son you are talking about and that reminds me of someone.

Lily: *smiling* Oh shut it Black.

James: Nice one Pads, he’s right you know. Everyone knew you were swooning over me for a good six months before you finally accepted you liked me.

Lily: Except for you, Jamie.

James: Whatever. It’s like us but involving a lot less hexes.

Sirius: He’s like a teenager girl whose two favourite characters finally got together.

James: Fuck off Pads.

Lily: He was like that when you and Remus got together, too.

James: So what? Can’t I be happy for people I love?

Sirius: Sure you can but maybe be a little less enthusiastic?

James: *raising an eyebrow* You are one to talk

Sirius: Okay, got it. I’m out.

Lily: What just happened?

James: Nothing important. Ah! Look at them walking around in the castle talking, if her hair was a bit darker they would look exactly like us.

Lily: *putting his head on James’ shoulder* You are relentless.

James: Tell me you don’t like this.

Lily: I love it.

James: Exactly my point.

things that make you a good ally;
• attending protests
• signing petitions
• raising/donating money to lgbt charities
• listening to lgbt people about their experiences
things that don’t automatically make you a good ally;
• having a gay otp

Albus Severus Potter

Sirius: *jumping up and down* Is it a boy? Is it a boy?

James: Pads, it just came out of the red head mate. Literally a second ago. It’s a potato at this stage.

Lily: *screaming* IT’S A BOY!

Sirius: OOOOOH wee little Remus is born.

Remus: *rolls his eyes* You don’t know that Sirius.

James: No he will want to have the whole package, he’s Remus. 

Lily: I hope it’s Remus, he’ll be a well-behaved, smart kid then. James Sirius is a nightmare, he’s like you two combined, I didn’t think that was possible to be honest, I thought if your personalities encountered it would explode but here we are.

*James and Sirius high-five*

Remus: I’m very honoured that you guys think he would name him after me but you forget there’s already a Remus in Harry’s family: Teddy.

Sirius: Fuck that. He doesn’t use it, this one would. 

James: He’s right, it’s gonna be awesome. If we get a Lily next time we’ll have everyone.

Lily: Everyone except Marlene, Mary–

Sirius: *smiling* Marlene would rather shoot herself in the head before she lets anyone name their kid after her.

James: Besides Harry didn’t know them, love.

Lily: Yeah you are right, I wish he did.

*Harry names the kid Albus Snivellus Severus Potter*

Sirius: Is this a fucking joke to you Harry? Is it?

James: Lils? Tell me he didn’t name my bloody grandson after my arch enemy. Tell me he is fucking with us.

Lily: Oh no I’m pretty sure he did.

Remus: Told you guys it wasn’t going to be Remus.

Sirius: *face-palming* You did but I thought that it was one of your “I’m not good enough for this” shit. 

Remus: No, I am good enough for this shit, I just knew he wouldn’t name him after me.

James: How did this happen?

Sirius: At least one of them could have been sensible you know. I will call him Snivellus Jr.

Lily: *points a finger at Sirius* No you won’t.

Remus: Don’t talk about sensible names. Your name is Sirius Orion. You as a whole, including your name, are not sensible.

Sirius: Your name is Werewolf McWerewolf, so shut the fuck up.

Lily: What’s up with wizards and weird names any ways?

James: It’s meant to show that we are different than Muggles, that we are somehow superior because we are, for example, named after constellations. *Sirius stares, James grins* It’s just an example Pads. Anyways my parents didn’t like that idea so my name is very sensible.

Sirius: *Lily stares at Sirius* Mommy dearest was an interesting person, don’t ask. Can we go back to the fact that Harry named his son ALBUS SEVERUS?

Remus: There’s not much you can do about it.

James: I find comfort in the fact that he’ll use Albus.

Sirius: I’m afraid if the next one is a girl, he’ll call him Narcissa or something.

Lily: Don’t be so dramatic about this.

Remus: You sometimes forget that you are talking to Sirius.

Lily: Oh, my bad.

James: So, how long will they wait before the next one?

Lily: JAMES!

James: What? They are not getting any younger. I mean they can have 7 children and form their own Quidditch team and–

Lily: No.

James: I trust red head on this.


You can read James Sirius Potter here.

Lily Luna Potter

Lily Luna’s birth as seen by the Marauders


Lily: Please tell me it’s a girl, I don’t think neither my heart nor Ginny’s can handle another boy.

Sirius: Don’t worry about Ginny, that girl can handle anything.

Lily: I know but still.

Remus: It’s a girl!

Lily: Finally!

James: I.. can’t.. breathe.

Lily: Okay, this is the third one and you are still having a melt down.

James: What if he names her Narcissa because he thinks she did, I don’t know, something good?

Lily: I mean she saved his life to be honest but–

James: LILY! No!

Lily: Let me finish the sentence Potter. They wouldn’t name her that.

Sirius: *whispering* He never got over the Albus Severus incident Lils. 

Remus: Don’t be ridiculous James, it’s a girl. I’m sure they would name her Lily, Molly or something like that.

Sirius: Yeah, I’m gonna say no to Molly.

Lily: Minnie maybe? It would mean so much to McGonagall.

Remus: Still I wouldn’t trust either of them so much. I remember Ginny named an owl Pigwidgeon and Harry.. Well, we all know what happened.

James: Shut up! *smiling* Did you hear that? 

Lily: *crying* Lily Luna. 

James: *relieved* Thank heavens.

Sirius: You were convinced she would name him Narcissa, weren’t you Prongs?

James: I have learned to expect anything from my son really.

Remus: *gesturing to Lily* Shut it you idiots.

Lily: *fixated on Lily Luna* Oh, she’s so beautiful.

James: She will be even more beautiful if she takes after you.

Lily: *kisses James* You are so sweet.

James: Now, we are four down on the Quidditch team Harry, come on.

Lily: Yup, ruined it.

James: What? It’s not my fault if they have the perfect genetic pool for a Quidditch legend.

Lily: He’s incredible, I swear sometimes I question myself about the decisions I made in my life.

James: Stop it Evans, you love me.

Lily: *walking away* Is it possible to get divorced in heaven? Asking for a friend.

James: *to Remus and Sirius* She loves me.

Sirius: It’s like fifth year all over again.

Remus: I know.


James Sirius | Albus Severus 

flesh, blood & bone

James: *proudly* Our boy is about to become the youngest wizard to win the Triwizard Tournament

Lily: Thank heavens this stupid thing finally ends.

*Surprise! the cup is a portkey*

James: What the fuck?

Lily: Are they at a graveyard?

James: This is not good, oh this is so not good.

Lily: Someone’s coming.

James: *sneering* Is that Wormtail? What the hell is he holding?

Lily: Something bad, Harry’s holding his scar. He looks like he’s in so much pain.

*Kill the spare*

James: Wormtail NO

*Cedric hits the floor and he wakes up to Lily and James staring at him*

Cedric: You- But- Harry?

James: No Cedric I am Harry’s father, we are so-

Lily: We are sorry Cedric

Cedric: I- it’s- there’s nothing to do,*smiling slightly* it was my time I guess.

James: No, it wasn’t! That rat will come here and I will make him pay for all the things he did

Cedric: By the way it’s an honour sir, ma’am.

Lily: Please call us by our names this is my husband Jam-

Cedric: *smiling* I know who you are ma’am.

Lily: Okay, no, you beautiful boy. I’m gonna haunt Peter for doing this to you. *tears in her eyes* I am very genuinely sorry that you had to come here so early Cedric.

Cedric: You really don’t have to. Sir, I was wondering if you know what that man is carrying? Harry had a fit when he saw it.

James: I– I am guessing it’s what remains of Voldemort.

*Cedric shivers*

James: No need to be afraid of him in the afterlife buddy.

Lily: What is the rat going to do? Boil him?

James: I haven’t got the faintest idea

*Wormtail puts Voldemort in the cauldron*

Cedric: It looks disgusting but I think he’s gonna do a potion to make him better, I- ugh.

“Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son!” 

Lily: No! NO! Peter please!

Cedric: *shocked* You know him?!

James: He was my best friend, the one who betrayed us.

“Flesh — of the servant — w-willingly given — you will — revive — your master.” 

James: Fuck you and you bloody master, Wormtail!

Lily: Please let him bleed to death, please

“B-blood of the enemy … forcibly taken … you will … resurrect your foe.” 

James: Don’t you daRE TOUCH HIM

Cedric: *whispering* Voldemort is coming again, isn’t he?

Lily: *crying* Yes dear, he’s coming back to finish the job

*Lord Voldemort is back*

James: He’s even scarier than the last time I saw him

Lily: He’s gonna kill him, this can’t be happening.

James: I have a feeling about this Lils, let’s just wait for a while before we panic.

Lily: *shouting* He killed Cedric without a second’s thought!

James: *scolding* Evans!

Lily: *turns to Cedric* I- I’m sorry.

*Voldemort talks to the Death Eaters, tortures them for not returning. Finally he demands Wormtail to untie Harry and give him his wand back*

Lily: He wants to duel Harry?

James: Completely out of his mind, I tell you. Not that I’m complaining.

Cedric: Summon the cup Harry come on.

James: His leg is injured, he is barely standing he wouldn’t risk it.

Cedric: Oh, yeah you’re right sir

James: For the love of Merlin, stop calling me sir. Please?

Lily: He doesn’t know enough magic to duel a regular wizard let alone this asshat

*Voldemort tortures Harry both Lily and James look away*

Cedric: Si- er- James, it’s finished you can look.

James: Those cowards, laughing watching a boy the same age their son get tortured. Malfoy one day your son is gonna suffer and I won’t feel sad one bit.

Lily: *crying* We probably will Jamie, because we are not like them.

*Voldemort does the Imperio curse to get an answer from Harry, he resists*

James: That’s my boy

Lily: He’s going to torture Harry again

*Harry jumps to the side to avoid the curse*

Cedric: Nice!

*Avada Kedavra x Expelliarmus*

James: It’s not that wise to counter a killing curse with a disarming spell Harry!

Lily: He know nothing e- James? Do you feel what I’m feeling?

Cedric: I’m feeling it too. What’s going on?

James: Don’t break the connection Harry. 

*Cedric comes out of the wand*

Cedric: Hold on, Harry

*Frank Bryce comes out of the wand*

Frank Bryce: He was a real wizard, then? Killed me, that one did. You fight him, boy.

*Bertha Jorkins comes out of the wand*

Bertha Jorkins: Don’t let go, now! Don’t let him get you, Harry — don’t let go!

*Lily comes out of the wand, straightens herself up and stares at his boy, for the first time in 13 years she’s this close*

Lily: Your father’s coming. Hold on for your father… it will be all right, hold on.

*James comes out of the wand and the moment he sees Harry, his eyes widen. He wants to stay, talk to him forever but he knows there’s only one thing to do, to save his boy once more, to put his needs first once more*

James: When the connection is broken, we will linger for only moments but we will give you time. You must get to the Portkey, it will return you to Hogwarts.. do you understand, Harry?

Harry: *trembling* Yes

Cedric: Harry, take my body back, will you? Take my body back to my parents

Harry: I will

James: *whispering* Do it now, be ready to run. Do it now! 

Harry: NOW!

*They surround Voldemort as Harry starts running towards Cedric’s body, he grabs a hold of Cedric and summons the cup to return to Hogwarts*

Cedric: We did it!

Lily: James, did- did you see him? He’s even more beautiful up close

James: *hugging Lily* I did love I did, he’s safe.

*Harry returns to Hogwarts with Cedric and everyone starts noticing Cedric’s dead and his father is about to see him. Moody takes Harry away*

James: Cedric, um, are you sure you want to see this?

Cedric: I can handle it but can one of you stay with me while the other watches over Harry?

Lily: *placing a hand on Cedric’s shoulder* I- I will stay with you darling.

Cedric: *smiling slightly* Thanks Lily.



*Some conversations are taken from Goblet of Fire