the best of senses fail

I feel like my every day life is a loop of the scene in Gattaca where Jerome reveals that he is a failure in every sense of the word. Always second best, and even failing at taking his own life… Instead, paralyzing himself into living miserably forever.

Just looping and looping and looping.

Join the Club

Well, I’ve been initiated into a different club - the Single Moms Club. Apparently Steve and I just aren’t good together, except we are still best friends. I just disappoint him in every sense of the word and fail at my job as a partner. It’s always a nice wake up call to see yourself through someone else’s eyes and realize how disgusted they are with you while simultaneously still caring about you. It’s really made me question if I’m even capable of being a mother.

I’m certainly not a good mom. I only see Nathaniel in the evenings and on weekends, because of work, and I’m not always present when I’m with him. I may be texting Steve, or just unwinding from the day and not completely there… and I’ve been so depressed for so long that I know he isn’t getting the 100% mom that I know I can be. I feel so guilty. He deserves so much more than me.

I know I need to stay strong for this sweet little boy, but I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I feel like there are a million knives sticking into my body. My chest is on fire and I am alternating between bawling and not feeling anything. Everything feels really final this time, and Steve seems to be taking things a lot better than I am. He’s upset he won’t get to see his kid.. I’m upset that the love of my life gave me the list of a million things that he doesn’t like about me. And every time I do something new to annoy him, he comes back with “This is exactly why we can’t be together.”  No, now you’re just looking for an excuse because you don’t want to be tied down. You want the glitz and glamor of fatherhood without the daily commitment of it. You say you miss seeing your boy every night, but you don’t seem to miss him when you’re out with the person you wanted to leave me for when I was 8 months pregnant.

I don’t know. I don’t want to talk bad about Nathaniel’s father, but it’s so hard when I’m in this predicament NOT to. I want us to stay civil and to stay friends through everything, but when you spend three years of your life pursuing someone and telling them how much you love them, and then they just tell you everything that’s wrong with you as a person, it’s hard not to feel hurt.

I feel more than hurt. I feel worse than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I struggled with depression before I had Nathaniel, and then it morphed into PPD, and now I think it’s back to its old self except tenfold. I have this beautiful, wonderful little boy and a family that loves me, and yet I just want to die. It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to Nathaniel, and it isn’t fair to anyone who I come in contact with.

I don’t know what to do.  I did schedule an appointment with a therapist but it isn’t for another month yet… I just want to feel better. I so badly want to feel better.

Watch on cjcko.tumblr.com

Verse 1-
I’ve still got passion
And I’ve still got guts
But I no longer give a fuck
About what you want
So you’re a savior
And a saint?
Then let’s stop pretending and pull out the war paint
But you refuse to open old wounds
In fear that you’ll actually have to feel

Chorus-
We tried so hard
We tried to just pretend
Things didn’t change as the honeymoon said
This house, this ring, the secrets shared in bed
Lose all our faith in the foundation
And I feel the pain

Verse 2-
The fucking more I see what you’ve become
The more I lose sight of the love
That I once had in your brown eyes
I used to be afraid that this would end
Now I embrace it
We are ships passing the night

Chorus-
We tried so hard
We tried to just pretend
Things didn’t change as the honeymoon said
This house, this ring, the secrets shared in bed
Lose all our faith in the foundation
And I feel the pain

Bridge-
I see bright lights flicker ahead
I see stars shining till’ their death
I see you

And I don’t know what to do

Beautiful sunset, passionate kiss
These things mean nothing when you cannot come to terms with
The person who you are and who you’re meant to be
Are separated by a sea of insecurities
I’ve been digging out from underneath
An avalanche and it’s taken 20 years to see
Our reality is our own to create, and the sooner that you realize that
The sooner that you can change

Our history will
Just hit repeat
And you will pass your poison down unto your child’s feet
And they will struggle
Struggle to breathe
Cowering in shadows that you cast and cannot see
Beautiful sunset, passionate kiss
These things mean nothing when you cannot come to terms with
The person who you are and who you’re meant to be
Are separated by a sea of insecurities
I’ve been digging out from underneath
An avalanche and it’s taken 20 years to see
Our reality is our own to create, and the sooner that you realize that
The sooner that you can change

Outro-
I won’t repeat
I won’t repeat
I won’t repeat the things that I can’t change
I won’t repeat
I won’t repeat
I won’t repeat the things that I can’t change