send one for my muse’s reaction
alternatively, send 🍻 + to make this a drunk text
[text] When I’m not with you, my heart hurts.
[text] At some point, the phrase “I’ve hit rock bottom” became less of a figure of speech and more of the general state of my life.
[text] I thought being with you would make me happy - I was wrong.
[text] I should have known that when you said you still wanted to be friends, you didn’t mean it.
[text] So, what, are you just not going to talk to me ever again?
[text] How did we go from talking every single day to … this?
[text] You know, you not answering my calls or texts is a testament to how much of a coward you really are.
[text] I don’t like to leave loose ends and I realized I needed to live up to my own problems and insecurities.
[text] You owe me a fucking apology.
[text] We used to be best friends - where did it go wrong?
[text] I can’t be without you. Please don’t do this to me.
[text] (He/she/they) told me what you said, you asshole.
[text] What the hell is wrong with you!?
[text] Why the fuck would you do something like that?
[text] YOU’RE A RUDE BITCH AND I HOPE YOU STUB YOUR TOE LATER TODAY
[text] Thank you for finally showing me the truth about you. The truth is, you’re a dick.
[text] Fact: You’re adorable. Also fact: You stink at board games. But I love you.
[text] I’m a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. I’M DOOMED.
[text] Can you and your overnight guest maybe keep it down? I’m trying to sleep.
[text] I’m bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
[text] Listen, I may be naive, but I know what it means when they send that eggplant emoji.
[text] YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT’S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
[text] I think after tonight I’m 85% lesbian
[text] So at what point of the night are we going to decide everyone at this party sucks and we should just fuck each other?
[text] Sorry your girlfriend got you a present and you forgot to get her one. How long will your dick be dry?
[text] You need to get home NOW. The oven is on fire and the fire department is officially ignoring my calls. HELP!
[text]I’m sitting on the couch at 2 AM eating fried chicken in my underwear. Who is the real winner here?
[text] I am not ubering you a puppy.
[text] If you bring me coffee and a greasy breakfast sandwich, I’ll love you forever.
[text] Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
[text] Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn’t mean you can act like a nudist.
[text] The only things I am doing today are things one can do without wearing a bra.
[text] I’m a grown woman and just cried because we ran out of Cheetos. I have PMS. Bring Cheetos to my place, or die.
[text] I’ll eat brunch alone. No ones good enough when you’re not around
[text] The worst thing about living at your parents’ place again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up booty calls.
[text] You are probably the most infuriating person I’ve ever met…but you’re weirdly sexy. What I’m saying, is come over.
[text] Please don’t bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won’t get confused.
[text] How could (he/she/they) not like you!? You’re like, annoying relatable. Like Jennifer Lawrence.
[text] Who says you can’t have Reese’s Cups for breakfast? Fucking losers, that’s who.
[text] If your (boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other) finds a random like on an Instagram post from 64 weeks ago, that was me. Oops.
[text] The only thing I crossed off my to do list today was get high. I’m going places.
[text] (He/she/they) is a total bitch and a crappy party host so I stole their dog. It likes me better.
[text] I feel like I cold have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
[text] I’m only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar.
[text] Would you think less of me if I told you I was eating pizza on the toilet right now?
[text] THE LAST STRAW WAS YOU CHANGING THE NETFLIX PASSWORD
[text] Dude, what’s wrong with me? I’m like a strong independent woman and shit.
[text] DON’T YOU DARE PUT YOURSELF DOWN YOU’RE A BEAUTIFUL BITCH AND ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO BE WITH YOU YOU
[text] I’m just so full of love and alcohol
[text] WHY WOULD YOU DRUNK DIAL MY HOUSE PHONE YOU IDIOT