the weird collective

My life’s work is finally here!  Keep Beach City Weird - THE BOOK!!! 

I’ve collected all of my findings into a single, very legitimate looking book, so that everyone can know the truth about my hometown of Beach City!  Finally, my legacy is protected for the ages.  Even if a giant solar flare wipes out all of the world’s computers  - MY BLOG WILL SURVIVE!

Writing this book was a monumental task.  It took me countless hours of slacking off at work to compile all of my writings, illustrations and far-flung theories into one place. I did have a little help from some fellow truth-stigators I met on a Koala Princess forum, Ben Levin and Matt Burnett, but most of the work was definitely done by ME!  

So if you wanna read about lots of weird stuff like Radioactive Centipedes, Giant Women from the Sea, and The Great Diamond Authority - then order a copy!   It’s sure to be an Empire Times Best-Seller!

https://www.amazon.com/Keep-Beach-City-Weird-Universe/dp/1101995157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492357206&sr=8-1&keywords=keep+beach+city+weird

Zodiac: Tag Yourself (Edition)

Aries:
-looks like “fight me” but is actually “love me”
-extremely fucking smart like wut
-doesn’t care about emotions unless it’s their own
-strive for power

Taurus:
-seems chill but is actually savage af
-doesn’t believe in emotions
-would fight you for hurting an animal
-actually has an amazing sleeping schedule???

Gemini:
-emotional mess (they never feel anything the right way)
-probably knows more useless shit than you
-actually really amazing ppl
-doesn’t know what sleep is

Cancer:
-looks like “love me” but is actually “fight me”
-doesn’t know how to deal with emotions so they don’t
-can be extremely selfish
-lives in drama

Leo:
-very one way thinking mind
-high morals
-doesn’t deny they need constant validation
-constantly naps

Virgo:
-looks like they want to kill you, probably does
-such a fucking nerd
-sleeping schedule so fucked it’s like wow
-has a weird book collection

Libra:
-always in love with someone
-big time music dork
-over emotional
-probably doesn’t know what’s going on

Scorpio:
-tries to be hard core but are low key cry babies
-likes dark colors but has a bright personality
-probably reads more books than you
-just wants to be loved

Sagittarius:
-ready to disappear at any moment
-has seen every strange movie on Netflix (I mean, EVERY weird movie)
-honestly forgets emotions exist
-just wants a 48 hr nap

Capricorn:
-knows they’re better than you
-parties more than you know
-just wants ppl to stop
-will cut you off without blinking an eye

Aquarius:
-disappears for a while w/o explanation
-probably cuter than you
-always turnt
-live in a very gray world when it comes to what’s right or wrong

Pisces:
-doesn’t like dealing with responsibility
-likes music more than they like you
-thrives off of attention tho
-refuses to be anyone’s #2

So alien perspectives on humans are always fun because you get space orcs or space gypsys or the occassional space kinksters (because no matter what it is, some enterprising human will eventually try to bang it) but I secretly love the idea that we’re going to be the Cryptkeepers or Nightmare Fuel Station Attendents of the universe (at best) because our lore is effing DARK, and the happy shit never travels across cultures like the horror does.

It’ll be funny at first.

Earth kids are THOSE kids and grow up to collectively raise THOSE kids: The Next Generation. We don’t retell crap like Frozen or Mulan or the Lion King or whatever. Common campfire stories are all about escaped serial killers with hook hands or co-eds getting axe-murdered while their roommate is sleep. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark or Goosebumps fare are readily told and embellished and shared again. Bloody Mary and Candy Man spread all over the Galactic Scouts of the Virgo Supercluster like wildfire. Human kids think nothing of it, but the youth of over twenty different alien races are completely traumatized.

And it starts from Day 1. Imagine it: some stressed human with a squalling newborn is stuck waiting in the spaceport lounge for a super-delayed flight to Alpha Centauri and EVERYONE is getting pissed and the parent is getting even more frantic and embarrassed because their language translator works just fine and Atarians haven’t exactly perfected whispering anyway so they KNOW they’re totally being judged right now (I knew humans were loud Grarblyx, but this is ridiculous!!!) and they eventually go “fuck it” and resort to nursery rhymes. Jesus. It’s nice enough at first and kinda sweet and the human parent actually has a good singing voice so no one really minds, but then the words start registering? Holy. Shit. The bystanders are going to be just, just SO lost. This scumbag fleshie stuck their baby in a tree and it fell out and that’s okay with you?? An elder went to bed and bumped his head and fucking died and you’re singing about it??? Plague carols, Hrothlax! The fleshie’s singing plague carols! No one knows what’s worse–the parent thinking this is acceptable, or that fact that its working and the baby is soothed by the horror rhymes. #DemonBaby and #HumanParentsAreTheWorst are trending on cosmic Twitter within the hour. #WTFHumanity –a top twenty mainstay– hits the number one spot yet again.

That triggers even more curiosity and OF COURSE nursery rhymes trigger the fairytale discussion, and Humans Are Trolls so screw Disney, its Brothers Grimm (& Co.) time. Cinderella? Chopped off toes, ensorcelled shoes, birds pecking out eyes. Little Red Riding Hood (or the Lon Po Po variant, which is Nightmare Fuel in its own right)??? Snow White???? (WHY ARE HUMANS TELLING THEIR KIDS STORIES ABOUT MURDERING KIDS? NO WONDER THEY’RE NUTS–THIS NONSENSE STARTS AT BIRTH!!) Sleeping Beauty??? (Bloodline curses and rape, wtf?????)

You know what Earth offers up to Galactic TV??? It’s not Star Wars or Star Trek or super hero movies, because all that is reality now. Rom Coms never do well off Earth. (Or on Earth, these days) because they don’t cross culutres well. But slasher films??? They never go away because we LOVE them, even if only to mock them. Time to revisit the classics. Michael Myers returns, the Scream franchise is rebooted. SO. MANY. AXE MURDERS.

Humanity, you’re so weird, lol.

But everyone better hope it stops there at the Cryptkeeper level, or THINGS GO WRONG.

Next level? The supernatural shit is POSSIBLE because aliens are real and there are species that see what we only barely detect, and some Effed. Up. Mess. goes down on Earth. All those horror stories based on some human with ESP drawing the wrong thing’s attention? All those written off feelings of paranoia or fear? That’s going to make for some fucked up reality checks for HUMANS because our sixth sense is notorious and then you have to wonder…ghosts? Poltergeists? Demonic or violent entities? All that was contained on Earth but now can cross the stars.

What happens when ideas that thrive off the collective unconscious goes galactic? What if there is a species that has evolved enough to engender psychic constructs?

They’d better be kept far away from shit like Freddy Kreuger, and ALL gods forbid the Slender Man mythos resurfaces. The Cthulu Mythos??? That’s introduced and immediately banned and now Earth isn’t quirky and dangerous-but-awesome, but SpaceHell.

Good job, humanity. Good job.

3

Located in Wellington Mill, Australia, lies “Gnomesville.” Over 20 years ago, this bizarre collection was born due to a protest. A roundabout was scheduled to be built in Ferguson Valley and the residents weren’t too pleased about it. Nevertheless, the roundabout was build and shortly thereafter, the first gnome appeared. The collection grew and grew and now there are well over a thousand gnomes. If you visit Gnomesville, make sure you bring a gnome to leave behind!

BOREDOM CHEAT SHEET!!

other cheat sheets

The Signs as Disney Princesses

Aries – Jasmine: Her fiery temper mixed with her brazen confidence makes for a passionate individual. She refuses to accept that her freedom isn’t her own and resists authority in any way possible. She’s the quintessential female Aries.

Taurus – Mulan: She is courageous and determined. She is as stubborn as they come and does what she feels is right for her country even when she exposed and chastised for being a woman. She is beyond devoted to her family and will protect them at all costs.

Gemini – Rapunzel is dreamy, an escapist, and moody. She is childlike, naïve, and is insatiably curious. She is spontaneous and is immediately ready for an adventure with a stranger when the opportunity presents itself. She loves excitement and makes friends easily.

Cancer – Belle: Belle is very intelligent and witty. She is independent and is criticized for being such. Although she remains an individual and values that about herself, she can’t help feeling like an outsider. She longs to meet someone who understands and accepts her like any true Cancer.

Leo – Aurora (Sleeping Beauty): Aurora is a hopeless romantic who is responsible and rebellious, playful and naïve. She has just the right amount of attitude and kindness to be a Leo.

Virgo – Elsa is one of the most composed princesses. She handles responsibility well and is extremely critical of herself. She can be cold and standoffish at times and does what she feels is expected of her even if it doesn’t make her happy. When she has the freedom to be herself, her caring nature and playfulness shines through.

Libra – Cinderella: Every Disney Princess is graceful in their own way. However, Cinderella’s gracefulness is most similar to the classic definition of the word. She is effortlessly elegant and charming.  

Scorpio – Merida: She is very headstrong and does not take to authority well. She has no problem disobeying the rules. She is cunning and smart and knows how to manipulate words and situations to make it seem as though she’s been slighted. She is revengeful, which eventually leads to her mother being turned into a bear. She isn’t great at apologizing or taking responsibility for her mistakes. However, she will never back down from a fight and she never gives up, which makes her an opponent to be feared and a friend to be thankful for.

Sagittarius – Pocahontas – One of the most beautiful characteristics of Pocahontas is her ability to accept people for who they are. She strives to understand all living things, and even when she can’t understand them, she still accepts them. In addition to this, she’s a strong woman who believes in equality. She is the perfect blend of bravery, playfulness, and curiosity.

Capricorn – Tiana: She is extremely ambitious and driven to have a successful career, yet she is still family-oriented as any true Capricorn is. She is intelligent and never accepts defeat; she simply finds another way, another means to achieve her goal. Her philosophy is hard work and persistence.

Aquarius – Ariel is probably the most individualistic of all the Disney Princesses. She likes to collect weird objects, is fascinated by the unknown so much that she falls in love with it, and refuses to succumb to societal norms. She is optimistic and sometimes even a little unrealistic, but she is naturally and unapologetically unique, which are undeniable Aquarian traits.  

Pisces – Snow White’s weapon choice is kindness. She not much a fighter, but her kindness attracts friends who fight and defend her on her behalf. She is a natural nurturer and is gentle yet strict with those she takes care of. She is a huge believer in goodwill, which is why she is an easy target for manipulation. Her loving heart and kindness makes her standout from the rest of the world.

major-trouble  asked:

You need to tell that story immediately.

The Colin Mochrie story? Gladly. This is a good story.

So I go to this college, and it can best be described as a little weird. It desperately wants to be Cambridge, but it’s not Cambridge, so it takes out its frustration with not being Cambridge on weird collective mockeries of Cambridge stuff. So far so good.

One of these weird mockeries is the debate club.

It’s hard to even properly call the Literary Institute a debate club - it is a club, and it does debates, but the debates are 100% stand-up comedy in a parliamentary format and the other half is bullshit pantomiming. For instance, every year at matriculation, the club drunkenly rushes the stage, interrupts the ceremony, and calls everyone in the audience a horse’s ass (occasionally while quoting Dune). It also puts on a yearly event called ‘Tuck-Ins’, in which people in the dorms can sign up (or sign their friends up) to have the entire LIT burst into their room, give them bedtime snacks, give them bedtime beer, sing some bedtime songs, and tell them a bedtime story. Except, the LIT never does anything seriously, so the bedtime song was always Barrett’s Privateers and the bedtime story was almost always something we called ‘The Rat Story’. Let me tell you about the Rat Story.

The Rat Story was a piece of… literature… that a LIT member dragged out of the dregs of the internet many years ago. Nobody knows where it came from, and my efforts to find it again were unsuccessful, but good lord, it was bad. It was a page-and-a-half-long Hermione/Wormtail (rat form) smut fic and it was awful. So awful. I’m cringing just thinking about it. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever read, and at this point I basically know it by heart. We read it aloud, from the poorly worded introduction to its horrible closing line (AND HE SCAMPERED AWAY WET! STUNNED! AND THRILLED!) dozens of times in a single night to unsuspecting students. It was an experience.

Now you might be wondering how Colin Mochrie fits into this.

So, one of the other things my college does powerfully and often is pretension. We are the most pretentious college you will ever see, and our college clubs are proof positive of this. Every year, various college clubs send out dozens of official-sounding letters inviting our various favourite well-known-people to attend our meagre college events (I, as president of the James Bond Society, personally invited Barack Obama, Sean Connery, and the Queen to our AGM). However, this year the Comedy Club was riding particularly high, and it sent out quasi-sincere invitations to speak to a variety of Canadian comedians.

And Colin Mochrie showed up, one fateful Tuck-Ins night.

He gave a talk, which was very good, but noticed as the talk finished that many students were rushing away to something in an awful hurry. We explained that it was the night of Tuck Ins, an important and sacred college tradition and that

We would be delighted if he would join us.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I found myself crammed in a dorm room with 20 other people, listening to Colin Mochrie describe Peter Pettigrew’s rat boner to a couple of second years who had no idea what they were getting into.