The Signs as Quotes from Monster Factory: Mass Effect 2
Aries: Hey, let’s go have a Jupiter make-out! I need to find a kiss partner, where are ya hidin’?
Taurus: This is way off the grid, right? (Oh, dude, we have so– I have broken the factory warranty on Truck Shepard!) Truck Shepard’s body could not be returned to Best Buy! (They will not give me store credit, even.)
Gemini: It’s like– the movie The Fly, if instead of… a fly in the chamber, with Jeff Goldblum, it was, like, a big bowl of pasta salad or something.
Cancer: Do you think this was what Bioware intended? (Um… for you to download third-party software and then–) And hack this thing into it– (And then grab the bones of their protagonist and just sorta do a quick hand-jive inside of their faceskin?)
Leo: (Griffin saying holy shit with varying degrees of distress for 30 full seconds)
Virgo: I see you’re drinking from a cup. I’ve never done that. My fluid is sent to me in special bags. By a space company, for special faces. (I have to pay them seven-hundred of my eight-hundred spacebuck paycheck every month–) Just for ten punch bags. Those are bags filled with punch for special faces. (In Earthen times, they were called Capri Suns. You could buy them for three dollars.) Now they’re called Special Face Life Bags. They are a nutrient slurry. You do not puncture them with straws, but with your ear-teeth. I taste with my skin.
Libra: It’s like a gashapon! Only it’s a guy’s face!
Scorpio: He can’t be killed! (Oh my god! He’s unkillable!) Griffin, he’s gonna jump through the computer screen and kill you! (Don’t– Don’t even joke about that! They are gonna– they are gonna find my body in the morning underneath a dreamcatcher.)
Sagittarius: Look, I can save you! Grab my chin, grab my lips, nooo! I can taste you!
Capricorn: Listen, Wilson was responsible for your reconstruction. He knows exactly what you did. Giving you six discrete facial dorsal fins.
Aquarius: I am still a work-in-progress, God’s still figuring me out!
Pisces: If HP Lovecraft saw this right now, he would shit his pants to death! (It looks like Stephen King’s dick exploded! It looks like Wes Craven took a dump into a box fan!)