the way i live my life

So Long, Farewell

For @ferosa

Angst I guess? Basically Dany’s farewell to Dragonstone. 

Yes, yes, I know, it’s been a bit, school’s been killing me, but I’m trying. I don’t work at all this week so I should have time to catch up. 

Jon never thought he’d ever miss the cold and drafty castle on an even colder and draftier island, but now that the time had come to say goodbye he was beginning to think he might.

The morning light was gray and cold as he stuffed the last few pieces of clothing into his traveling trunk. A few of Dragonstone’s servants, both men and women with hard faces and stringy hair who were devoted to the Targaryen queen, had offered to pack instead but he’d declined; he wanted to pack for himself. It gave him an excuse to be alone for a while, an excuse to think things over. He didn’t know if he’d ever come back here, if he’d ever come back to Dragonstone again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to, now that there were only two dragons soaring around the palace towers when there should have been three. It felt tainted by the memory of what he’d done.

He hadn’t seen the Queen in days now. Their paths never seemed to cross and he expected that it was intentional. He didn’t blame her either. He still had nightmares about being in the cold beyond the Wall, seeing Viserion fall from the sky again and again with blood trailing from his wings. He could only imagine how much worse it would be for her. Some nights he thought he heard someone crying, caught on the wind and whisked away, but he could never be sure that it was her. He always hoped that it wasn’t.

There was a knock on his door and Davos barely waited for him to call him inside before he stepped in. “Are you ready? Cersei will be expecting us.”

He tried to smile, but there was no humor in it. “Of course.” And then it would be off to Winterfell, north to whatever fate awaited him there.

The Targaryen flag ship stood resplendant in red silks, waiting quietly at harbor, its sails flashing in the dim light of early morning. The sail was painted with the three headed dragon; it was a ship befitting the Dragon Queen. The Stark flag ship looked slightly more dishevelled, but Jon supposed it wouldn’t matter; he would divide his time between the two ships. They sailed for White Harbor, and they would sail together.

Missandei rushed to meet him as soon as he reached the dock. “Have you seen Queen Daenerys?”

“Not this morning, no.”

“Hm. I’m surprised.” They’d taken to breaking their fasts together on the castle bulwarks, sipping cups of tea and watching the city of King’s Landing slowly come alive. “We have to get going.”

“Is she with the dragons?”

“They haven’t returned from their hunt yet. She’s not waiting for them-I already checked. I suppose I’ll look in her solar again-”

“I’m passing that way myself. It’s no trouble. I can check-”

For a moment he thought that Missandei would dismiss him, say that he had overstepped his boundaries as a foreign dignitary. But there was a small smile on her face when she nodded and said. “All right. But do keep in mind, Lord Snow, we’re trying to leave quickly.” She brushed past him to oversee the packing of the ships; perhaps she was looking for the Unsullied commander. Jon had yet to learn his name, but the two seemed very close-in a number of ways.

For the last few days the castle had been filled with a bustling, restless excitement-but now the hallways were empty, traveling valises packed and food stored. Old, tattered tapestries hung on the walls and a new coat of dust had already begun to gather on the floors. It wouldn’t be long before the castle fell into disrepair again. He wondered who she would keep as the castellan of Dragonstone; it had always been a Targaryen castle and he assumed she would keep it that way.

His boots echoed as he passed the empty solar; a glass of wine sat in the center of the table, but it was empty. He looked for the usual signs that Daenerys had gone about her work-stands of ink arranged messily, old books open to fading pages. But everything had been packed away, and the room looked oddly formal.

He remembered a night when he’d come to see her, soon after they’d returned from Eastwatch. He’d wanted to ask her about the arrangements for the transportation of the Dragonglass, only to find that she’d fallen asleep at her desk. He knew that she slept less than she should but there had been something almost intimate about the moment; her braids had come undone and her head was pillowed on her arms. He’d wanted to tell someone but he didn’t want to wake her up; in the end he’d compromised on carrying her back to her room, afraid all the while that he was going to get yelled at (probably by the queen herself, when she woke up). But she’d slept through it all blissfully unaware-and when he set her down on her bed she’d simply curled farther into herself and slept some more.

It occurred to him to check her bedroom next. For a moment he wavered, simply because there was something about it that seemed too intimately personal..but he knocked anyway. There was a long moment of silence and then, just when he thought he’d guessed wrong and was going to walk away, he heard her say “Come in.”

The docks were still swarming with men, Jon knew, but from the master bedroom it all seemed very far away. He could barely hear them; the walls were a thick stone and muffled their voices. There was a desk in one corner, facing the window, but most of the room was dominated by a large bed draped in black and red blankets. Daenerys sat on the side of the bed, a breeze lifting the hair from her forehead, hands fisted in the bedclothes. She barely looked up when he stepped through the doorway, barely acknowledged he was there at all. “It’s time to go.”

For a few minutes she didn’t say anything, so he didn’t either. “My mother gave birth in this very bed, two-and-twenty years ago. A storm raged around her, her entire family dead except for her second son. And her only daughter. I thought that coming home, coming…here, I would feel something. It’s silly, I know, but the Targaryens lived here for time out of mind. It’s ours. And at first, I didn’t. All I wanted to do was leave, to keep things moving…but now that it’s time…”

“It’s strange,” he replied, closing the distance between them in a few quick steps. Something had changed in the long nights they’d spent on the boat back to Dragonstone, and he no longer felt uncomfortable around her. Or maybe he hadn’t felt that way in a while. “It’s started to feel like home. I felt the same way, when I returned to Winterfell. I’d lived there my whole life, but it never felt like my home.”

“Home.” She shook her head slightly, laughed mirthlessly. “It’s a strange word.” She didn’t look at him. “I wish we could stay longer.”

“You’ll like Winterfell. You’ll meet my sisters. You’ll like them.”

“I doubt they’ll be pleased with you for handing the North over to a foreign invader.”

“They’ll realize that it was necessary. And then they’ll get to know you.”

She still seemed a million miles away. “Sometimes I forget my brother’s face. It seems wrong. I knew him for more than half my life. Sometimes he was a good brother, but more often than that he was a torment. But I forget his laugh, or his smile, or the boy he used to be-the boy who grew up without his mother.”

He knew, instinctively, that he was seeing a part of the Dragon Queen that hardly anyone ever saw and he would have to proceed carefully because any misstep could send her back into her shell. “Family can be complicated and strange.”

“Best not to make sense of them.” She sighed. “Have they started to sail yet?”

“They’re waiting for the royal flag ship.”

She closed her eyes, tapping her fingers on the wood of the headboard-and when she opened her eyes again they looked remarkably clearer. “Will you walk with me?” She stood, straightening her dress, head cocked to one side almost tentatively.

“Of course.”

The hallways were so quiet. Jon didn’t know where everyone was-probably out in the harbor, but the castle seemed echoing and empty without all of the people crammed into it at every hour of the day: ministers and advisors and Unsullied and hangerson. The history of the castle pressed down upon him more and more with every step-this was where the great dragon kings and dragonlords had lived for centuries before the Targaryens had ever thought of crossing the sea. How had Stannis been able to live here for so many years, if he felt even half as much an outsider as Jon did now? If he closed his eyes he could imagine he heard the rumble of a dragon’s roar or the beat of a dragon’s wings, see a blonde haired girl chase a blonde haired boy down a hallway until they both collapsed into a heap laughing, a baby’s cries in the air-a dying mother holding her baby in her arms, whispering to her to be strong and good and brave…and then her face morphed into someone else’s, a woman with dark hair and a face that was constantly shifting so he could never quite tell what it looked like.

“I’ve grown up with the dead.” Her voice broke the silence, and she pulled open a set of carved double doors. They opened onto her strategy room, the Painted Table looking up at them from out of the darkness. She placed the dragon and the wolf in the North, in the miniscule fortress of Winterfell.

The room where he had told her about the wights. The room where he had wanted to make love to her, more times than he cared to count. The room where they had discussed the mission that would change everything forever.

Her lips were moving but no sound was coming out. He would have thought she was praying, if she was one to pray. But she didn’t believe in any gods; only herself. There was something wonderful about that, and something terribly sad.

He knew they had to go but he gave her time to say goodbye.

Eventually they left the war room and went to her solar instead. It had been a close and cluttered room at one point, stocked with tapestries and scrolls and books that looked so old they could disintegrate in his hands, but now the most important had been packed away and there was a disused and forgotten air to the whole place. She ran her hand over the desk, over the drawer with a false bottom where she always kept a bottle of Meereenese wine, silently speaking again. Broken sunlight painted her hair in light.

Onto the library, where Jon had spent most of his time in those early days when he hadn’t been quite sure whether or not she intended to kill him. Half of the books were in Valyrian and he couldn’t read them, but there had been a few copies of old tomes that he’d thought had been lost forever. He’d traveled a different Westeros, where there were kings in the north and dragons in the skies. A sitting room, Tyrion’s solar, the grand dining room with its vaulting ceilings, a room still entirely covered in carvings of dragons. A room of jewels brighter than sunlight, brighter than Rhaegar’s rubies on the Trident and twice as valuable.

A silver crown, barely more than a tiara, studded with diamonds and what looked like dragon scales. Queen she might be, but he had yet to see her wear such ostentatious ornamentation. She held it for a moment, turning it over and over so it sparkled in the dim light of the torches, the glittering rubies and deep blue sapphires. Then she put it back on its shelf and looked away, moving on.

The top of the castle ramparts, with a clear view of the boats gathered below. He wondered if she’d stood on this very balcony and watched the boats of the Northmen come in.

Would he have seen her if he’d just looked up?

She sighed, as the wind tore at her tightly wound braids. “I suppose we should go, shouldn’t we?”

“They’ll wait for you anyway.”

She still wouldn’t look at him. “Do you think we’ll ever come back?” We. Not I. It was a silly thing to think about, especially now, but he couldn’t help it. It felt like there was a contingency plan in place, like there could be a life after all of this.

“We’ll try.” That was the best they could do, wasn’t it? The best anyone could do.

She didn’t say anything else but she took a step closer to him, cape whipping in the wind. She rested her hand on top of his, just for a moment, her touch light as the wings of a butterfly.

Even as the rest of the world moved on around them, he felt remarkably still. Like the only thing that really mattered, that could really change everything, was this moment-right now.

I’m trash. Send prompts 

I was playing dolls with my 7 year old cousin when she said “okay, we’re going to sing to the audience” and I said “what shall we sing?” without missing a beat she started singing the chorus to shake it off and I’ve never been more proud in my life I did not impact this decision in any way I never see her because she lives at the other end of the country this was all her choice and I am PROUD AS PUNCH

Idk I just think it’s really cool that somehow Taylor is always there for us in some way right when we need it. I’ve seen so many posts from secret sessioners about how beautiful the timing of the invite was. There’s been so many clean speeches who have altered people’s lives. Even the songs!! ESPECIALLY the songs!!! When Gorgeous came out a few days ago I was like literally?? This song fits my life perfectly right now how is this happening??? Idk I just love love love this woman with my whole heart

2

Turtles All the Way Down

“…no one ever says good-bye unless they want to see you again.”

In a nutshell…

Turtles All the Way Down is the latest book from Author John Green following on from his smash hit success, The Fault in our Stars. This novel follows Aza a young woman with an Anxiety disorder and details her experiences as she navigates the world of friendships, romance, and mental health. It presents her reality of trying to live an ordinary life whilst evading the pull of her inescapable thought spirals.  

My Thoughts

📖  As a Green Book 

What drew me to this book was, of course, John Green. There was no way I was going to pass up the chance to read this after how much I dearly loved The Fault in our Stars. However, as I am also a big fan of Vlogbrothers and a regular listener of the Dear Hank and John podcast, I’ve also heard Green describe his own anxiety disorder many times, and I was very intrigued to read his views and descriptions on living with this condition. I feel his work in this book I feel very eloquently displays the reality of this condition in a way that allows the layman like me to understand, and learn easily more about what impact it has on lives.

📖 Empathy

I found it very easy to get into the mind space of Aza whilst reading this book. There were occasions where I almost felt as if I shared her diagnosis, it was that easy to relate to her worldview and see my own through her eyes that I was also starting to obsess over menial details. I was myself caught in the thought process of wondering if my thoughts were my own and felt a small degree of the overwhelming weight of panic that Aza deals with. 

📖  The Overall Story 

I can’t say that this book touched me as deeply as The Fault in Our Stars did, however, it was a touching book. It was a tale which like it’s subject matter kept spiraling faster into its building tension. As Aza gets more and more trapped within her own consciousness the book gets harder and harder to put down. This escalation is subtle at first but by the end of the book it was impossible to not think about the story constantly and I just had to read on after the end of each chapter. The ending in itself was also very beautiful; it had probably the best round up of any of Green’s previous books and I loved its meaning.

📖 Microbiome!

I don’t really have much to say about this as this is a very subjective reaction, but as the microbiome is one of my favorite areas of biology to read into and I have some previous research experience in the area it was very satisfying to me to read a book which represented this topic accurately with the care in its research.

I would rate this as

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waddup gays my name’s cecy ( she/her ), i’m 20 n live in the country of skam ! sum of u have prolly seen me arnd before n for that im sry kdfmlsf this is a new muse tho so i hopefulli won’t bore anyone 2 death !! u can find a bit abt xavier under the cut n slide into my ims/like this/hmu on discord if u wna plot !!

tw: death, mental disorder, suicide, depression

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for a reunion scenario 6-7 years later when iris is already champion and dent is comfortably living his life 50% pokémon sommeliering-50% running a café. iris comes back into town after a long absence, and tells him about a small town that has recently piqued her curiosity. for one, it’s lost in the mountains north-east of johto, with houses built on cliffs, and close to no contact with other regions, so not much is known about it. second, it allegedly has a dragon pokémon asleep in a cave deeply hidden in the valley, which the town sees as a sort of deity. slightly intrigued by the whole ordeal, dent follows her to johto, and they both hop onto a train into the mountains, where a new adventure begins.

Return.

Originally posted by jsephi

pairing: ilhoon x reader
au: angst
words: 621
a/n: have i ever told you guys how much i love btob?? never? oh. well: I LOVE THEM A LOT. and with the new music video of ‘’missing you’’ is really angsty (like most btob mv’s are) i was in the mood to write some angst!! also a very important author note: please stan btob, my other very talented babies !!!


The dimly lit living room was dull. The only life was the movement of the candles flames, which slowly burned their way down. They should have been blown out hours ago, but Ilhoon felt empty, drenched of energy, lifeless. The sobs that hit his body in waves echoed through the house, his head buried in his hands. He kept hope in his heart that you would return home, return home to him. Yet, somewhere in his mind, he knew you wouldn’t be returning, even with the millions of calls he had made and voice mails he had left on your phone. Helplessly begging, pleading for you to return. It pained him to know he couldn’t fix it. The damage he had done was enough for you never returning to him.

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I’m sorry, but you belong to the shore, my love.
I don’t want you to get drowned by my own depths or get hurt in my crashing waves for I’m a huge and chaotic mess that you can never tame.
The farther you go, the darker I become and those parts are what I, too am afraid to say out loud.
I won’t be able to keep you for I kill everything I touch.
You should stay where you are safe, where you are far from my own self. I do wish to hold you close, yet to keep you from me is my way of taking care of that beautiful soul of yours.
I’ll watch you from afar. I’ll always go back in waves or in steady waters. I want to see you happy and living the life you deserve. Being without you is painful, but to watch you die will be the end of me.
Stay away from me. Stay where you are safe. Stay far from my touch, from my love that can take away your oxygen as you keep on trying to breathe.
—  M. // an entire ocean of my misery

anonymous asked:

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Getting to know you Questions for the Mun!  // accepting 
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦- What’s your family like?

To be honest, this one is a bit of a touchy subject for me… but here it goes. I only really get along with my younger brother. We live a few houses apart from one another now. Don’t talk to my sister, like at all. I lost my mom five years ago quite suddenly and my so called ‘sperm donor’ as we refer to him didn’t want me, so it’s basically just me on my own 95% of the time.

BUT! It’s not all too bad, I like it this way tbh, I get to see my nieces every now and then plus I have a person in my life who treats me like im his own flesh and blood and often-times call him dad. Even my brother gets along with him, which says a lot because like me, my brother hates everyone. Through said ‘dad figure’ I ended up having someone who is like an older sister to me, and through her, a brother in law and three kids who call me their aunt, which is pretty cool. I guess you can say I have formed my own family, my friends have become my family.

I even have some who work with me at the animal Rehab who become mom figures tbh, always there when I need advice or a helping hand. Without a lot of my friends, I probably would be in a pretty bad place. I don’t tend to like a lot of people and I think these people are amazing for putting up with me. I have learned so much over the past few years and the biggest thing I’ve learned is that learning to trust is hard, and learning to love other people is even harder.

I also have to give a shout out on this one to @sardonicbeauty @drdumaurier @ladycatherinegordon @astriicus and @threecardtrick because these five lovely ladies have been these amazing lights in my life and I consider them close friends and adore them very much.

delicatehandmade  asked:

Hello!! How do you manage to travel around like a nomad? I have very concerned parents and if i did that they'd be extremely worried and would probably not even allow it in the first place (even though im not underage but still live with them) i also grew up with that super protected environment so i also feel insecure about it although i really want to just pack my bag and go!! Much love 💖

Hey sweetie :) I went to work to England for a few months & gathered enough money to be able to travel comfortably & then I gathered courage within my heart and stepped into the road, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. My parents were quite concerned in the beginning as well but most of all, I knew that I am the one that is going to live my life, not them. I love them but it’s important to establish boundaries… I can not allow anyone to control my life in that way. In the same way, I am no longer underage so I made my choice. And I worked to be able to make it. You can also just go for a short adventure & come back after, doesn’t mean you have to go for a very long time & never come back :) A short adventure will show you so much as well, I am sure… Make a little vision board for it, see what you need to do in order to go and then… just go :) Maybe a friend would like to come along, for the first time travelling it’s always nice to have friends around ♡ It’s all in your hands, always. You are strong & brave. Enjoy your life while you are here on earth, it will not last forever this human experience hehe… *

honestly i understand why my mom makes comments about wishing how she’d married a better man, i really, really do

but a version of me born into a loving stable family would be fundamentally different than Me. i was born into an unstable and abusive situation which impacts every facet of my life. i’m saying that as a fact, not as an over exaggeration.

i wouldn’t want to sacrifice the person i currently am for a happy childhood, especially since i feel happy and secure in the person i currently am. the theoretical version of me my mom talks about is a stranger.

it’s a byproduct of us relating to our trauma in different ways, bc she lived almost 40 years of her life Not in an abusive environment so she views recovery as getting back to who you were before but i literally don’t have a Before so i don’t find comfort in the idea of trying to be “who i was meant to be” and it’s kind of annoying…

I’ve been thinking a lot if I’m going the right way, if I’m actually a woman or just confused? I feel like it would be sooo much easier to just give up everything (not life) and just.. Learn to live it in this incorrect body I was born with.

After my name change went through (From something on M to Sam) I’ve felt like.. A burden, I haven’t told my parents about it yet, they are aware that I did send in a request to change it.

Telling people at work that I’m a woman, asking them to refer me as she/her, feeling the need for having to adjust myself… Ugh. I’ve done a lot voice training, for over a year soon.. But I’m not too satisfied with it either.

I just suffer with the thought of having to adjust myself, everything would be so much better if I was correct from the beginning.

So… Take a break? I honestly tried, I even took the cissiest (lolll, you heard me) clothing, skipped shaving and just.. Felt crap. I can’t stand the thought of being called he/him, I’ve gone too far for that.

I also have a huge urge for getting hormones, yet I’m scared, really scared. I’m willing but not ready…

This upcoming week will be great tho, I’m visiting a bestie and he’s very supportive and I can do all sorts of changes I need, do voice training nonstop for a week.. Going to be great!


I might sound doubtful and unsure, but I’ve always been so unhappy with my looks, shameful and rather ugly feelings. This year, I’ve taken more selfies than I done in my whole past (1991-2015)

The road ahead is long and scary, but keep your friends close, family more if they’re supportive. I’ll keep going, slowly but allowance for doubts and thinking, you must allow yourself to adjust too.

This isn’t happening over a day, so take your time, and allow discussions with yourself and others.


Remember, trans people are the strongest. (and anyone else that suffers with an internal battle)

💪

6

All the hard work and dedication is for living fully his last year as a high school student 

It is written about one person. Most of it is. There’s obviously songs that are not particularly about anything, just scenarios I’ve made up in my head or situations I’ve seen among my friends. But yeah, for the most part it’s about that one person. I live most of my life out of the public eye. I try to keep as much of it shut as possible, because if you let it out, people start asking you loads of questions and it becomes uncomfortable. That’s why I wrote the album I did — because I’m not the greatest talker in terms of emotion. But I found that I’m good at writing it down on paper and putting it on the record. It’s still quite a hard thing to do but I found it better to do it that way.