the water bottle and the look

so the other day at work, this old lady said to me ‘is there a strong man that can help me?’ and i asked her what she needed and she said she wanted one of those 36 pack of water bottles (it was too heavy for her to carry) and i said i would get it for her and she said 'oh i don’t think you could do it’

and in my mind i was like fucking WATCH me and lifted it straight in her cart and she said 'ooh you’ve got muscles!’ and i’m just

anonymous asked:

It wasn't a fleshlight because it looked like a clear tube. Pretty sure it was either a penis pump or a water bottle

So, I went back to find the scandalous photo…

First of all, let’s take a moment to admire k-fans obsessive attention to detail and frightening ability to zero in on a tiny blurry speck and immediately identify it as possible proof of our boys’ sexual activities. Bravo! I have no idea what that other item is inside the box.  Some speculate a penis pump, some say a water bottle, I saw someone suggest it’s a bottle of lube.  It probably isn’t a flesh light – if that’s a condom right next to it, I’d say it’s too small for that.  Also seems too small for a water bottle.  In any case, thank you all for bringing back this lovely memory of BTS’ early days.

Also - good on them for having condoms around!  Always practice safe sex, y’all! Always!

anonymous asked:

Kaneki getting restless during nights, tossing around, unable to sleep. Finally he gives up, gets up and goes to Touka's room. She's not asleep either, just looks at him in the dark and wordlessly scoots aside making room for him on her bed and he quietly slips in. This becomes a regular occurrence.

awww ;-; this is precious 💖

now the pregnant edition: kaneki can’t sleep, he goes to touka’s room, she’s not asleep, she’s vomiting in a trash can with human food and water bottles around her looking pale and sick and we get an exciting ukina/kuzen parallel :’D 

firestorm-v2  asked:

EDH Hermione Granger

Nora to the rescue!

1. What does their bedroom look like?
There are a lot of light colors. Her bed sheets are light blue and she has a lot of pillows. She had a white desk that is just encumbered with papers and journals and books. Also there are empty water bottles all over the room.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?
Before she goes to class she says to herself in the mirror “I am super smart and super hard working and I know I can I do this”. It eases her anxieties about studies.

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Sadie’s smart. Like super smart. About a lot of things. But sometimes she used to do shit and it scared me. It scared all of us. Still scares me. During the day, she’d get this glossed over look in her eye, tell us shes fine, then at night, chug a whole bottle of straight vodka in the bathtub. We all drink, we’ve all done stupid shit. We’re all sad. Its just that….Sadie did this on and off for 3 months straight. And one time she turned on the water, scalding hot…downed an entire bottle in 10 minutes. I think she was trying to drown herself. I came around to drop something off and jesus fucking christ, she could barely walk. Her legs were shaky and numb and she looked at me, hair dripping, black rings around her eyes and asked me, she asked me: “Andy…am I good person?”. I said “yes” because of course she was. Sadie just nodded weakly and didn’t look at me for a long time like she didnt want to fight me on it…but she didnt believe a word I said. Eventually she slumped into my arms, I carried her to her room and just prayed, yeah fuckin prayed, to WHOEVER, that she’d wake up in the morning. That was six months ago but I still won’t ever get it out of my head that Sadie Rowland does'nt think she’s a good person. And fuck…does that kill me.
—  Another excerpt from a screenplay I’ll never write

ever since we got deleted scenes, i’ve been thinking about how many times kim tries to connect with trini in the beginning of the film and just,, fails miserably,,, 1. “just talk to me” *trini jumps a ravine to not do that* 2. “do you know my name?” “i’m sorry..” 3. tries to apologize for throwing trini off a cliff but trini is not having it 4. tries to make it seem like she knows who trini is even tho it’s been proven that she doesn’t (!) to which trini kindly informs her it’s biology, good talk kimberly. like damn ok fuck it up kim

  • Me: *has bad habit*
  • People: hey thats not healthy you should stop doing that
  • Me, having realized Bad Habit will get me Attention: *does bad habit even more* *only ever talks about bad habit* *centers identity around bad habit*
  • Aries: People hold hands? Psh I can't relate, I throw hands like a real man.
  • Taurus: [puts on fake glasses] It's time to read some hoes.
  • Gemini: Me actually liking someone? Sounds fake, I just like the validation that I'm not complete trash.
  • Cancer: I'm internally screaming right now because the one day I decide to wear makeup I keep crying. My eyelashes are clumping together and I cannot. I refuse.
  • Leo: Do you ever see the sun and you're like ... Man, I'd love to punch it because same. I want to punch the sun so hard. My only chance to be fist-kissed by a hottie.
  • Virgo: I feel bad that I don't recycle. I just can't be inspired to do it because I still feel terrible about life after doing so. [throws water bottle in recycling bin] Oh look, I still have depression!
  • Libra: I want to have a flowery aesthetic... I need a group of friends that are always willing to take pictures of frolicking through flower fields.
  • Scorpio: I love the fact that no one really knows anything about me, but it also makes me kind of sad at the same time. What is my legacy besides being the mysterious and hot one?
  • Sagittarius: The only person in this world who will never break my heart is education connection lady. She's still in 2009 singing about her education experience and I refuse to believe anything different.
  • Capricorn: I've spent 10 hours of my life listening to the education connection song. If I don't make it to college, then I may as well just die.
  • Aquarius: Other people around me are always like "I LOVE YOU! OMG, I LOVE YOU!" Meanwhile I'm just eating my imaginary popcorn thinking about how much I hate everyone.
  • Pisces: I'm eating five hour old chicken nuggets and I'm sad. I don't think I'll finish them... I have to throw them away... This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
This Stanley Cup Playoffs Had Everything
  • Injuries
  • Jake Guentzel Hatty
  • Horny kissing Chris Kunitz
  • Fogged up visors
  • Phil Kessel’s Finger Point
  • Goalie interference that wasn’t goalie interference 
  • Too many Too Many Men penalties
  • “He gave the puck back because he saw me coming and didn’t want to get hit by my big body.”
  • Geno being Nostradamus
  • Flower jackin’ his stick 
  • Flower saying a huge scrum in front of the net was fun.
  • Injuries
  • “It’s not fun. It’s the playoffs.”
  • 37:09
  • Mike Fisher and James Neal colliding into each other
  • Mike Fisher and James Neal colliding into each other and hitting the ice
  • Jake Guentzel tying Rookie Playoff Points
  • Jake Guentzel leading the league in goals
  • Jake Guentzel leading the league in goals even though he didn’t score once during the 7 game series with the Senators
  • Just Jake Geuntzel tbh
  • More injuries 
  • Country singers being the assholes we all already kind of knew they were 
  • Mouthwash jokes
  • Sidney Crosby being too busy taking selfies to accept the Conn Smythe right away
  • Sidney Crosby asking ‘they got some tunes going in there’ while he’s bringing the cup into the locker room like a 45 year old father of 3.
  • “excuse me, excuse me.”
  • “Did you get benched…..yeah….haw haw.”
  • 7-0 Shutout
  • 6-0 Shutout
  • 3 additional shutouts
  • Sid shaking off Boone Jenner when Jenner tried to check him 
  • “Hockey hands, Phil, not football.”
  • Double OT
  • Chis Kunitz being a hero
  • Horny being a hero
  • Hags being a hero
  • Walking On Sunshine 
  • Sully almost getting hit in the face with sticks as the boys celebrated.
  • Sully being a hero
  • Doubting Sully and then wondering, ‘why the hell would anyone ever doubt Sully?’
  • Dumbass penalties
  • Phantom tripping penalties
  • Sid and Jake getting punched in the face but no penalties being called
  • People not understanding how the Conn Smythe works
  • “Sid didn’t even get a goal this series.” HE DID AND IT’S OVER THE WHOLE PLAYOFFS NOT JUS- you know what never mind.
  • Mike Fisher only having 4 points the WHOLE PLAYOFFS 
  • This photo:

  • #DoItForTanger
  • #DoItForDad
  • #DoItForMe
  • Trevor Daley’s kid having a 6 painted on one side and a 7 on the other.
  • Matt Cullen’s kids being savage as always.
  • “Pour some out for the homies.”
  • Dumo wearing two hats.
  • Honry being naked in almost every batting helmet video.
  • Carter Rowney getting the helmet and looking at it like it’s his whole world.
  • Geno pointing his finger at  Phaneuf.
  • Geno inviting Bryz to the ECF.
  • “they think they won an easy game tonight, they think they can win game 7, I say no.”
  • This guy:
  • Sid insisting that they played well in Game 4 of the SCF
  • “Simple bunch of D-Men.”
  • Olli Maatta going on a two game goal streak.
  • Muzz getting emotional talking about Flower
  • Flower’s face when he realized the fans at PPG were chanting his name
  • Jeff Schultz
  • Flower taping over Niskanen’s name 
  • Geno liking that comment on Insta that roasted Ovi.
  • This photo:

  • Tanking Rinne’s save % 
  • Own goals from the Preds
  • “Jesus take the L”
  • “I looked at him and thought, he’s not going out like this.”
  • “I have a better arm than that.”
  • “Hey, I didn’t mean to throw that.”
  • Geno or someone suddenly learning how to photoshop
  • the top leading scorers in the playoffs all being Penguins 
  • Sid smiling before Sheary even scores because he just fucking knows 
  • “Let’s not do that again.”
  • whatever these are 

  • That Preds fan that bought Jake catfish, I hope he’s having a shitty day.
  • Early whistles 
  • Salty fans
  • Me laughing my ass off
  • Horny hugging Geno like this:

Summary: You and Sam both have insomnia, so you find a way to entertain yourselves.

Warning: smut

Word Count: 1550

A/N: It’s been a while since I wrote Sam x reader. Hope you enjoy! XOXO

12:36 AM

Insomnia does weird things to a person.

Under no other circumstances would you be sitting in the library of the bunker, reading about the weaponry forged in fourteenth century Japan to combat a monster that was essentially an ocean-dwelling werewolf.

Yeah. Can’t make this shit up.

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fuckboy » jjk » m

» request: nope

» genre: smutttttt

» author’s note: i was hoping to be able to get to 5k words, but unfortunately that didn’t happen :’) anyways, i still think this is the longest scenario i’ve written which i’m kind of proud of tbh ?? i really like this one and i hope you all do too! feel free to request any sort of au scenarios and i’ll be sure to write it !

» word count: 4.3k+

» warnings: fuckboy jungkook, sexting, phone sex, oral (female receiving), dirty talk, praise kink, unprotected sex

**nsfw under the cut

You sigh to yourself as you collect the randomly discarded articles of Jimin’s clothing scattered through the house. You roll your eyes as you grasp a pair of his underwear, tossing them into the basket which has now grown heavy with the weight of his dirty laundry. “Seriously, Chim, is it that hard to pick up your clothes?” You ask as you walk into the living room, picking up an old t-shirt from the back of the couch; you stop in your tracks once you finally look up.

“Sorry, Y/N.” Jimin flashes you a sheepish smile, but you are no longer worried about him. Your eyes travel to the other person in the room, Jeon Jungkook; he leans casually against the wall, taking a sip from a bottle of water. “Have you met Jungkook?” Jimin asks you casually, flicking through the channels on the television as you glare at his friend.

“I don’t think so,” you say truthfully; you’ve never met Jeon Jungkook, but you’ve heard of him, many times. Most recently, his antics had been called to your attention by a close friend of yours, and to make a long, long story short: Jeon Jungkook is a fuckboy.

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College Boy

Pairing: Y/N and Harry

Word Count: 1311

Prompt: Harry wants a shot at a normal life so he attends Northeastern University, but it’s harder than he thinks. The friends he made just want fame, and the other hardly look at him. But then he meets her, Y/N, and she wants nothing to do with the a-list celebrity.

Cole and Dylan Sprouse did it, Emma Watson, Amy Pohler, they all went to college, and Harry wanted to as well. He wanted the experience of something normal for once, he wanted to be able to say he graduated, he wanted his family to come to a graduation. When the news broke out everyone went crazy trying to figure out where he was going, and Harry got accepted everywhere. But he wanted to succeed he wanted to go to a school he knew was right from him, which was far from Harvard, but it also wasn’t community college. He wanted a roommate, he wanted to live in a dorm, attend the dreadful eight ams, and have RA’s. So he picked Northeastern University, still the top best, but no Harvard.

Harry was thankful for his roommate, Nick. Nick didn’t care at all about who Harry was. Nick spent most of his time in the library or in the room studying, he hardly spoke to Harry. Nick had a plan, two years at Northeastern and then Harvard. Nick made it clear that he didn’t want parties or girls coming in and out every night and Harry promised he would be as normal as possible, but Nick just scoffed.

It wasn’t easy for Harry and he wondered how everyone else did it. Students watched him, took pictures, videos, whispered, they just kept following him around, and Harry hated it. He found it difficult to make friends, the ones he did make wanted fame, and the other kept away. He couldn’t seem to find someone who wanted to actually sit and talk with him.

Nick had been holding a study group in their room so Harry grabbed his bag and made his way to the library. It was quiet and as soon as he walked in he saw a couple phones point his way. He huffed and made his way to the back where there were small cubicles. He pulled a chair back and pulled out his laptop. Texts from Jeff and Nick quickly popped up.

Nick: How’s the college life, join a frat yet?

Jeff: Do you miss the studio yet?

Nick: I love you but this is just insane why are you doing this?

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Vinesauce starters

- “Now we are really getting to that authentic 2002 experience!”

- “This is what it’s like to get a nail stuck in your eye." 

- "There’s a Mr. Satan on the line for you, sir.”

- “I can’t wait for the V mouth.”

- "No! No! No! Come on!”

- “There’s so many things wrong with this picture.”

- “Is this a fucking flash game?”

- “Oh, that is such bullshit! 

- "Everything is $7.95.”

- “And that’s just happening.”

- “Blinkers mean I am trying to tell you, ‘You suck balls.’ …And I am pointing to which person I think sucks balls. Do you think you suck balls? Well, you better speed up then." 

- "Wow… Those are some, eh, quality graphics!" 

- "Nice mouth, Von Kaiser.”

- “So this is happening." 

- "Yeah, boy! Look at that! Still playable though!" 

- "It looks like a bowl of oatmeal, but… koalaty!”

- “The only conspiracy is that this game was approved for release.”


-  "Why is (name) just overtaking my entire island?”

-  “I was in nam when you bottled water in my fucking ass you fucking mustard nazi”

- “Who’s been drawing dicks?”

Guy What Takes His Time*

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader
Featuring: Natasha, Wanda, Sharon (mentioned) and Sam.
Rating: Mature
Summary: Wanda, Natasha and Sam think Steve has feelings for Reader, but she tells them otherwise while actually feeling the same way for the super soldier. One evening,  they all make a plan to make both of them confess the truth.
Word Count: 2.2k
Genre: Fluff/NSFW-ish
Warnings: build-up, suggestive themes, and innuendos, mentions of alcohol, sexual tension, a little bit of roleplay, flirting, Captain kink (?) and Steve being a cute flustered bastard.
Author's Note: It’s a rewrite of the flirty scene between Natasha and Bruce in Avengers: Age of Ultron (you can expect some references, though). I thought it could be fun to switch sides with Steve and see how it goes. It’s also inspired by Guy What Takes His Time covered by Christina Aguilera in Burlesque.

  New Avengers Facility, Upstate New  York

“You did a great job, Y/N,” Steve announced in his deep voice as he passed the hallway with you, Natasha, and Wanda. “Ladies.” He stopped in his tracks, standing with this impressive physique, almost towering in front of you as his hands held the brown belt of his- oh, so sexy uniform.

“Thank you, Captain.” You smiled and he nodded slowly as if questioning whether he would stay to have a chat with you or not. He smiled gently and proceeded to take the stairs towards his personal quarters where he’d finally take a well-deserved shower after a hard, but successful mission with you and Sam.

Of course, he would’ve loved to linger awhile and see your smile just a little longer. He enjoyed spending time with you and the feeling was mutual. Maybe that after all these days spent with him, these missions where you saved each other, being partners and all this harmless flirting, there was something between you. Your chemistry was obvious to everyone after all.

“Have you seen the way he looks at you?” Wanda nudged your side and you winced, narrowing your eyes. “Don’t be silly, Steve likes you a lot.”

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