the war against my body

Christians With Depression

Even though clinical depression has only been medically categorized and developed in the last few decades, the characters who populate our Scriptures were no strangers to it. In the book named for him, Job despairs: “I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water. What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come to be. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; instead, only trouble comes …. I will never again experience pleasure … I would rather die of strangulation than go on and on like this. I hate my life” (Job 3:23-26, 7:11, 15-16, NLT).

King David was depressed. In the opening verses of Psalm 13 he writes, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” And David’s son Solomon wrote, “I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind” (Ecclesiastes 2:17).

We can finally explain this disorder biologically; doctors have come to believe that clinical depression is caused by an imbalance of several chemicals in the brain, namely serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. Yet, we still have a tendency to see it as a personal or spiritual disorder. We hear about people with depression and think that they must just be lazy or unmotivated or self-pitying. Even seeing that biblical heroes might have been depressed doesn’t shake our instinct that real Christians just don’t get depressed. We explain those passages away and insist that Christians shouldn’t be depressed, because true joy is found in Jesus.

Unfortunately, the spiritual joy of salvation that comes with knowing Jesus does not always precipitate earthly health or happiness. Christians still get ill, and depression is a sickness—perhaps one of the most insidious ones. Depression inspires a worthlessness that undermines the love and mercy of God. Many Christians who suffer from depression find that their affliction makes it more difficult for them to go to church, pray or engage in acts of charity. The direction of causality here is crucial—depression causes spiritual withdrawal, not the other way around.

Some still say that depression is a result of sin in the depressive person’s life and they may be partially right. Guilt and shame can develop and persist because of secret or unconfessed sins in a person’s life and these perpetual feelings can trigger a depressive episode. This doesn’t mean that “eliminating” sin will cure depression, because sin will always be with us. We are all sinners and we’ll all disobey God’s will at some point—otherwise, what’s the point of grace? As Paul writes in Romans, “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members” (7:22-23). We are all, as Martin Luther would say, fully justified and yet fully sinners. An emphasis on the sin component of depression is basically blaming the victim.

Here it is helpful to look at depression the way we look at cancer. Some cancers are partially caused by the actions of the victim—they might have smoked cigarettes or suntanned too much. Yet there are many who have never taken even a drag off a smoke and those who use SPF 45 sun block and still get cancer. Carcinogens are all around us, and they are somewhat indiscriminate in their selection of victims. Similarly, sin is all around us. Dr. Fred Lee, a physician at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston and a teaching fellow at Harvard University, put it this way, “The mortality rate of all people—believers and not—is 100 percent, because this is a fallen world. Sin begets disease, too, in the same way it begets death. From that perspective disease is our fault—in the sense that we are a fallen race. However, it is not directly the fault of the individual.”

A much more prevalent sin component of depression is the act of being sinned against. Experiences in our lives deeply scar us—something as simple as a popular kid making fun of our clothes or something as horrific as ongoing physical or sexual abuse. Perpetually being sinned against creates young men and women who believe that they deserve their sad state of fate, that they really aren’t good enough, and that no one, not even God, could possibly love them. Medical studies show that repeated traumatic experiences can permanently lower mood-regulating brain chemicals. This is the legacy of sin that exists in the lives of all of us.

Depression should be treated and can be put into remission through a course of psychoanalysis, cognitive therapy and/or antidepressant medication, supplemented by healthy doses of prayer within a loving Christian community. It is nonsensical to tell a depressed person that if they only read they Bible more or had better quiet times, their depression would surely be lifted. That would be like telling a diabetic that faith alone will regulate her insulin levels. Faith alone gives eternal salvation, but in the meantime, God has given us resources by which to make our temporal existences more palatable. Depression can absolutely be healed by the grace of God, but more often than not, through the tools of His servants, like pharmacists, therapists, pastors and friends.


My car battery died this morning and I am jealous.
No-one faults it for being done.
For recharging just a little slower each day.
For finally just
Refusing to wake up.
The world will gladly make another battery.
The world will gladly make another 6'3" aloof Polish man that writes the pain away
Or so I tell myself in the nights where my bed refuses to be an alternator
My mind races the clouds as I sit on the hill near my home clutching my ribs
It is a stained glass window under those same clouds
A poorly lit cathedral you used to go to
My heart is my grandmother’s clock in the foyer: broken but still good, so many moments and memories before it stops ticking
My body,
Oh mother, I am sorry
My body is a war field
Stomach against brain
Hunger against pain
It is strong
Probably still good, if a little plain
My body is an oak tree with a noose around the boy in me’s neck
Gasping for breath as I grew,
Bulimia has beaten boyhood
I was just gonna try it
Like boys should
And now we are here
My car battery died this morning and I called my Mother
I did not tell her I am jealous
I did not say
Mother, I pray for meteors
Mother, I pray for any way that no-one faults
Mother, I pray you never see my legs
Mother, I am so tired
Mother, I am so sorry but unconditional was not enough
No, Just
Mother, my car battery has died
Could you please
Help me

It's hard to be a woman sometimes...

Hi guys,

I’ve been meaning to talk about something for a while. Something very personal, very intimate, but also very important. Something that is unfortunately still a taboo among us women, and that makes me angry.  

I hope that, in doing so, I might find some closure to my story, some sort of peace, but also because I felt awfully alone at times through it all, and I wish this was something we discussed more between us, women.

So here it goes.

In July, I got wonderful news to celebrate. A positive pregnancy test. One that I’d expected for so long after my first pregnancy, seven years ago.

I spent almost two months with this tiny human being deep inside me, planning our future being 4 instead of 3. This was bliss.
Until I learned at the end of August that this baby would never come into our lives.

(the rest will be under a cut, cause I know not everyone will wanna read about miscarriage)

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So an update as to the state of the Show: Yes, it has been far too long! Yes, I still carry a passion for Edward as a character! Yes, I am indeed looking forward to what Tom King will do come tomorrow (and also biting my nails with how visceral they seem to be going with Riddler in some of the previews…not my cup of tea but without context I can’t judge)!


I have been fighting my own body for almost a year now.  Voice acting, even under the most ideal of circumstances, has been a bit of a harrowing experience. First a weaponized kindergartner gave me a rather nasty throat infection while on duty for a job then…well, it just kept snow balling. Now I’ve finally been able to accrue enough funds to get tested for allergens seeing as my body decided to form some new war pacts against innocuous pathogens. Then comes the immunotherapy depending on any perennial findings and what-not.

So suffice it to say I’ve been living with a lump in my throat and the words just won’t come out quite right.  It’s impeded both my recordings and my cosplay performances but back on April Fool’s I was able to get this spectacular shot with the duo that form a part of the greater team responsible for my favorite story ever!

Fear not, my curiosity has not died. Nor should yours: question everything and slake an ever greater need for answers.  But make sure there’s a whimsy to it all.  Wouldn’t want to be called a dullard, now would we?

All the best to you out there!

- ?

Fight for the Rights Men ! Fight for the war against Pipe Smoking ,I will fight every last breath in my body ,to stop those taxes & decrease in our grams of Tobacco ,we men mean trouble & we stand tall with our Pipes in Mouths , Let us stand fast with our muscle & intelligence , so we can smoke our Pipes in peace & plenty ,pipe smoking men united 🙄🤔😀😎🤐😑

#pipesmoking #pipes #pipesmokers
Sick Scholar {Peter Parker x Reader}

Thank you for 280 followers!! I really can’t believe it’s only been 7 months. Everyone is so supportive. Again, thank you loves! :) Don’t forget requests are open!

Prompt: @beautifulcrookedphilosopher: Could you do a Peter Parker x Reader where they go back to school after Civil and the reader has to keep him in check from correcting everyone? Cheesy, I know, but whatever, seems like something he would do. Thank you!! Love your blog!!!

Warning: None :)

Originally posted by comicbookfilms

Peter was standing in front of your apartment door like every other morning. He had been gone for a few weeks on official superhero business. He had came home two days ago to your relief. You opened the door to see him standing there smiling.

“(Y/N)! I can’t wait to tell you everything that happened!” He was practically yelling.

“Do you really want the whole world to know?”

“Well yes.” You raised your eyebrows. “Fame is great but I don’t think I want it just yet. I’ll stick to saving New York before I save the world.” He smiled. His big heart would get him killed. 

“Good because I get lonely walking to school by myself.” He rolled his eyes and together you walked out of your building. 

“So do you want to hear about my adventures or not?” As you continued toward the school Peter told you his tale to your amusement. “So Tony Stark, the Tony Stark, is sitting on my sofa when I get home from school. He was kinda flirting with Aunt May but that doesn’t really matter now. He said I was receiving a scholarship, I didn’t get a scholarship by the way.”

You replied dryly, “Obviously.” Peter wouldn’t even let you get a word out before he continued to tell you his story. 

“So anyway, he goes into my room, makes fun of my suit, and he still expects me to join his side in this civil war.”

“Your “suit.”” Your fingers forming air quotes. Peter frowned.

“Yes, (Y/N), my suit,” He sneered. “And he asked me to joined his team, I guess that’s what’d you would call it. After he insulted my suit I wasn’t sure. But he thought i was impressive and I was flattered of course. And obviously I said yes.”

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anonymous asked:

It's stomach dysphoria a thing? I'm dmab and am really uncomfortable with my body. My stomach most of all, all my fat just builds up there and not anywhere else (bum would be great for a more curvy/feminine figure).

Hey there,

Because body-fat distribution is different in male and female bodies, it can definitely be a cause for dysphoria.  Male bodies naturally build up fat around the tummy, and female bodies usually put it first around the hips. I’ve been waging war against my thighs for years - if only we could switch bodies!  Alas!

The one positive thing about fat-distribution dysphoria is that it can be a motivation to eat right and exercise, which is good for us in so many other ways besides just dealing with dysphoria.  Although a male body may never get curves and a female body may never get huge shoulders and tiny hips (at least without HRT) bodies in a healthy BMI range tend to look more similar. Granted, you don’t want to go overboard, but it can be amazing what regular exercise and a healthy diet can do for both mental and physical health and just feeling better about ourselves.

That said, you can try emphasizing your hip area by wearing high-waisted, fuller cut pants. Anything with extra material or pleats, even cargo pants with big pockets on the back, will help fill out that area. 

All the best,

- Mod Aldwin

Romans 7:14-25 (HCSB)
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am made out of flesh, sold into sin’s power. For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good. So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. Now if I do what I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me. So I discover this principle: When I want to do what is good, evil is with me. For in my inner self I joyfully agree with God’s law. But I see a different law in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this dying body? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh, to the law of sin.

You touch me

And every stream in my body becomes an ocean raging, waging war against the wind. Racing, trying to reach the top of the shore at the tips of my fingers in attempts to touch your face.

To touch you is to know you, to love you, and to heal myself all at once. You are a miracle.

You are soil, fertile, waiting for flowers to bloom in spring. I am a mountain in the distance trying to match your beauty.

But it’s cold where I am. Everything here is frost bitten to death. I am eternally in search of sun, in search of light.

I want to sprout legs and stop watching beauty.

Because of you, I aim to walk towards it. I ache to become it.


Update: It’s been really hard to update because I am going through a lot of serious health problems and Michael cannot always update or be here at the hospital with me either as much as we wish he could. I fight my own battles and he supports me as I do. I see and feel all the support and I am beyond thankful and blessed for the support but please don’t pm us and demand updates for we cannot always give them. We are both overwhelmed and frustrated I am exhausted I am hurting and I am doing my best to survive. The doctors believe my sepsis was from viral bacteria since nothing grew on my cultures so we were able to save my central line from being pulled thankfully! The antibiotics have been wrecking havoc on my body. The sepsis seems to be at bay for the most part. However I started getting a lot sicker and then we noticed feces and blood in my venting bag connected to my g tube and feces/blood in my vomit as well but the doctors ignored this serious sign and sent me home last night ignoring the fact I was vomiting fecal matter and blood and am in excruciating abdominal pain. Today upon my gastroenterologist finding out that I am having such serious symptoms yet that hospital sent me home anyway my GI immediately direct admitted me to the hospital he follows at. So now I’m admitted in a different hospital and will be undergoing a lot of test in hopes of finding out what’s going on. I will be having an endoscopy in the morning under general in hopes of them seeing what’s going on. I appreciate the huge amount of support it helps me a ton to know I’m not in this battle alone. Please be patient for updates as I am battling a war against my own body right now I am doing the best I can. Prayers and positive vibes are much appreciated. I hope everyone is doing okay and I wish I could be there more for all my friends more right now but I have to do what I have to do. I will continue to try and find the light in the darkness and the rainbows in the storms. I am strong enough to get through this and I will never sink. I love all of you thank you all so much for the support I will try and update again whenever I can and whenever I have more answers. sepsis and whatever else is going on cannot keep me down I will get through this so I can continue battling all my chronic illnesses. If the only thing you did today was breathe then you’re doing an amazing job! Please realize I am seriously ill and have been in the PCU I am fighting serious things I do not have the energy to update or respond to messages as much as I would love to, I’m constantly blacking out and vomiting blood and my TPN can’t keep up with my fluid loss so I’m exhausted. I also have every right to be down about my problems or frustrated. I had to cancel a photoshoot I have been looking forward to for months and give my spot to someone else and I am dealing with a lot. Strength has nothing to do with positivity. Strength is crying and screaming and ask why me but continuing on anyway because I have to. I don’t want anyone to fight my battles for me. I just want support and understanding as I fight them myself. please stop saying you’ll come out of this better than ever or you’ll be fine and you need to stay positive or stay strong or stuff like that. I have multiple chronic illnesses I will always have them and they are never going to go away and that’s fine but I hate people saying stuff like that. I’m always going to be wheelchair bound and my digestive tract is always going to be completely paralyzed leaving me TPN (IV nutrition) dependent I will never be able to eat or walk again and I am going to have to continue battling sepsis over and over and all the other complications. It’s fine this is my life and I was given it because I was strong enough to live it. I know everyone means well but please stop because it’s just hurtful.

I think if I were to go, in a stupor of complete sadness, no longer tolerating to be consumed by my tormented thoughts for an eternity; it would not be because of the harsh words said. It would not be because of the rude comments, the lonely nights sitting on my floor with a needle in my arm, or the horrid ever raging war stirring inside my body that grinds against my bones to burst free.

Nah, if I were to take my soul, my very life essence from my body it would be from the lack of. The lack of words said, the lack of commitment, lack of friendship, lack of support, lack of everything. It would be the absence of the simple syllabic word stop. It would be for the lack of bystanders who would want to become more that bystanders, the ones who would choose to interfere and to defend.

I would off myself for the lack of the use of sorry, the lack of apologies, and the lack of understanding. The mere actions of harsh teasings, sad nights alone, and miscommunications are not enough to break my spirit. The lack of bravery, courageousness, noticing, is what is enough. Being tired of being tired is enough. Not having my depression noticed or even considered as a possibility is enough.  

See, what most people do not know, and I find it quite ridiculous, is that young people are not naïve. We might not know everything but we know enough. We know that the world is cruel, that the world is mean, that the world is a very dark place. We are already tainted. No one is innocent. I feel that that knowledge is now embedded deep within us, that it is in our genetic make-up and that darkness is fused with our DNA. That darkness is or blood that we pass onto offspring, it is our original sin.

I feel I am too young to know the true evils of the world though, but I feel I have known them forever. I wish I still had innocence, I wish I had more time. I wish I still felt like a child, no worries or cares but sadly we all have to grow up so fast. Growing up, it starts out as a little tinge in your neck, a little tweaking that spreads throughout your spine and everything starts to ache. Then it spreads to your mind, your mind pollutes your body with thoughts of giving up on your dreams, losing hope in your friends, letting go of all ambition. Once that is all gone you start to never want to wake up, to never get out of bed or talk to the outside world. You start to stay up at 4am and wait, but you never know what you’re waiting for. Maybe you’re waiting for the Grim Reaper, maybe for your guardian angel, but all you know for certain is that whatever you think is coming is bound to take you from the hell you’re living.

It never comes.

You decide to take matters into your own hands, go straight down the rabbit hole to Wonderland for an eternity. You sit down one night and dream of a paradise you’ll soon go to. Maybe you swallow a bunch of pills, slice your pretty wrists and paint a masterpiece, or tie an intricate knot around your neck and swing like a pendulum… and to think, this was all because of the lack of…


Six Selfies of 2014

(This took me like an hour and a half to do, okay, I’m having one of those days.)

So (l to r, top to bottom):

  1. My “birthday” dinner at Cinderella’s Royal Table, when the entire dining room sang to me. God.
  2. My reaction whenever someone calls me “cute”.
  3. A reminder to people who take me too seriously.
  4. Trying to win a war against my body image on vacation in Florida in August.
  5. MVMCP with my sister! Our first one. :)
  6. And of course, it’s not a Bri photoset without archery.

I tag EVERYONE. If you’re reading this, you’re tagged. That’s a few thousand of you, so get moving.