the walp

I’m recounting today’s events to my girlfriend...

And I’m mentioning “@hisnamewasbeanni and @unabridged-tomeslike they are people’s names. and she just says:

“Wait, you’ve talked about them; ‘tomes is upper-echelon, like GWALP (gee-walp) (@girlwithalessonplan) and Hipster…(@hipsterenglishteacher) did you just try and add yourself to that group? NA-UH!” 

And I just:

Originally posted by samisoffthewall

Like, I don’t need to be exposed like this in my own home.

The Curious Case of Canas the Tiefling

Context: I’m in a 5e campaign with some buddies of mine. Our characters are Kaiah, the Half-Orc Fighter, John the Faptist (that’s a whole other story), the Dragonborn Paladin, Gregg the Elven Ranger, and my character is Canas, a Tiefling Wild Magic Sorcerer. For those who don’t know, whenever a Wild Magic Sorcerer casts a spell, there’s a 1 in 20 chance of some random magical side effect to occur. There are nearly 100 potential outcomes, some fairly benign, others annoying or even harmful, and some are downright bizarre. Also, a part of Canas’s backstory involves a bit of *ahem* fraternizing with the ladies. And he enjoys antagonizing Kaiah with aimless flirtations. There’s a lot of snark-to-snark combat between them, and she hits him a lot. Anyway, we’re sellswords in this campaign, and were hired to escort a caravan through a desert. While defending it from a group of Bone Nagas, the Wild Magic triggered and Canas de-aged nine years, going from 26 to 17 in about three seconds. And it’s permanent.

Me, after the fight and we’d all rested: (OOC) “Wait, has anybody noticed that I’m suddenly a teenager?”

(DM has everyone roll Perception. They needed at least an 8. Gregg rolled a nat 1, John a three, and Kaiah a 7.)

DM: “Walp, Gregg is drunk as usual, so he’s completely clueless…”

John: “I remark that resent!”

DM: “…John didn’t notice either, but to be fair he spent the fight getting the shit kicked out of him… again, as usual.”

John: “MY LIFE IS PAIN!”

DM: “And Kaiah thinks something seems off, but never payed enough attention to you to begin with to notice.”

Canas/Me: “Are you shitting me?? Kaiah, baby, you were standing right next to me through the whole fight! I’m hurt!”

Kaiah: *looks Canas up and down* “You still look like a fuckboy to me.”