the velvet elvis


the king? even now? hmmm…. proper worship I believe on this one.

"Weird Al" Yankovic sentence starters
  • “I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem that time that you made it with the whole hockey team.”
  • “I’m just a no-good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime.”
  • “I dated Siamese twins, I slept with Big Foot, too. Get me on Sally Jesse, put me on Donahue.”
  • “Take down those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine.”
  • “Well it sure beats raising cattle.”
  • “The window doesn’t open, the fan is broke, and my face is turning blue. I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see the Who.”
  • “Boys like Peter are afraid of alot of things, like nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra, but they’re not afraid of wolves.”
  • “Velvet Elvis never puts on weight.”
  • “You can try on our suede underwear if you choose. Do what you want, but don’t step on my blue suede shoes.”
  • “I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.”
  • “Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You’ll have plenty of time to be low-key when you’re laid out on the slab.”
  • “It doesn’t take a military genius to see we’ll all be crispy critters after World War III.”
  • “I kind of wish I was dead. Maybe, I’ll blow my brains out, mama, or maybe I’ll go bowling instead.”
  • “I knew we were having problems when you put those piranhas in my bathtub again.”
  • “You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill, now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will.”
  • “Every night for dinner we had a big chunk of dirt.”
  • “I was abducted by some aliens from space who kind a looked like Jamie Farr.”
  • “I love Rocky Road.”
  • “You’re pretty close to what I’ve always hoped for.”
  • “He died a long painful death. However, you’ll be happy to hear that just a few years later he was reincarnated as Shirley MacLaine.”
  • “My wife went off with Elvis.”
  • “If money can’t buy happiness, I guess I’ll have to rent it.”
  • “My brothers and sisters all hated me ‘cause I was an only child.”
  • “I’m nerdy in the extreme, whiter than sour cream.”
  • “This song’s just six words long.”
  • “Girls just wanna have lunch.”
  • “My Baby’s In Love With Eddie Vedder”
  • “Why does this always happen to me?”
  • “I think I’m missing a contact lens and I think my wallet’s gone.”
  • “I lost on Jeopardy!”
  • “Don’t know how long he’ll last”
  • “Some girls like buying new shoes, and others like drivin’ trucks and wearing tattoos.”
  • “You’re sort of everything I’ve ever wanted”
  • “You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts”
  • “Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink”
  • “We wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota”
  • “She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight”
  • “There’s something gross in the fridge today”
  • “We’ve been spending most of our lives, living in an Amish Paradise”
  • “So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation.”
  • “To his great surprise, it seems she prefers guys who kiss upside down in the rain”
  • “Why’d they have to interrupt ‘The Simpsons’ just for this?”
  • “MC Escher that’s my favorite MC”
  • “I borrowed your chapstick without asking and tried out your nose trimmer too”
  • “I’m a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride”
  • “Hope you won’t think it’s cliché if I go nude today”
  • “I instagram every meal I’ve had”
  • “I hate these word crimes”
What Shakespeare Characters want for Christmas

A comfortable chest binder, respect, and a gift card from The Gap: Viola, Rosalind, Portia, Julia

A cheese of the month club membership: Falstaff, Dogberry, Nurse

 Velvet Elvis painting: Titania, Benedick

 A set of high-quality lock picks: Brutus, Puck, Iago

 As much chocolate as their petite stomachs can hold: Beatrice, Horatio, Kate Minola

 LEGO Death Star: Lady Macbeth, Richard III

 Some Goddamn peace and quiet: Malvolio, Richard II, Lear

hey what’s up I just changed my URL i used to be beaufortcullen (and crocodilepatronus before that!) and so I thought I’d take the opportunity to do a follow forever post to alert friends that I’ve changed my URL as well as try and reach out to some blogs I don’t talk to but want to ! also if i forgot anyone im so sorry im using tumblr mobile follower list for this so 

some bloggers I love- @4kids-zolo @8bot @absolutely-fatal @aetheri-i @aleins @aloe-jelly @alratan @ardathsade @are-are-kay @armoldhammer @babyboyhenry @banbrotsu @bat-babe @aquamqn @bedwyrssong @bereweillschmidt @bisexualbobbydrake @blacklight-jellyfish @blue-velvet-elvis @borishu @bpdcorey @breethev @caeli1701 @camaelczarka @charlottec21 @cofffin @croc-in-crocs @cyanideandcoffee @danieljacksonscoffee @darknesshadows @demiboy-luffy @desertjpg @doucheflamingo @durintrash @eustasskidsfineass @finnwittrocky @flippyspoon @fuckwritersblock @ge0rgewashington @gloomyskye @goatsandgangsters @harleyqmanson @henrycumvill @hiddenbrugh @hyskoamorrow @internetiquette @irlluffy @irrationalgame @jamiefowkes @kavvka @kindsokind @komishika @leelajoy716 @legy @liiillith @lizzy384 @lkinneys @loofays @malglories @maximofffs @medusas-grave @millionfish @msjosephinemarch @mugwumpquest @mutant-revolutionary @mutents @mydeddyalabama @mymarsrevolution @mynewplaidpants @myopicbloom @oldfashionedvillain @oldstagbones @queerbluesea @reyesrobbies @sandpapersnowman @skinnybaras @sohydrated @superboyvapes @supey @suprhomem @swanofmischief @tandembicycles @thevarshmallow @timdrakedotcom @toralei @venividiwindex @weillschmidtdoodles @wickdprince 

some people that I might not be mutuals with / talked to much yet but I am friend crushing on :~) - @bhucewayne @bisexualclarkkent @clarkjoekent @clarrk-kents @clarrkeent @delicateflowerhenry @dickgraysonn @falconbigbutt @fancyporl @fatcavillry @gothjasontodd @gotosleepspacekid @irlsanji @jasonptodd @kitikattt7 @modulated-debate @muuuuuuuuuuuuuuurdock @nichtwing @nonbinary-agentwash @officialrohankishibe @onafaarm @ourladyofperpetualskepticism @patrickeelobrian @pencilias @remarried @reyskywalkings @stripperbucky @supermah @trcksuitdracula @gaykalel