the thought makes me want to vomit

Scandalous (M) | 05

PARTS: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05

Summary: When you meet Taehyung in a bar one night, you don’t expect to fall for him. He was different, tattoos inked along his arms and a bright smile on his face. He was the opposite of everything you were; he was free – or so you thought.

Genre/Warnings: Socialite!AU, Badboy!Taehyung. Angst + Smut; It’s angst, fluff, and filth all in one. AKA my 3 favorite things.

Words: 9.7k.

A/N: Thanks for sticking with me, lovebugs. I love you a lot. Enjoy xx.

Keep reading

Don’t delete the pictures. Delete his messages and maybe even his number if it helps you move on, but don’t delete the pictures you took while with him. Trust me, in 20 years, you’ll want to remember the boy who broke your heart when you were sixteen. I know it makes you feel like you’re going to vomit when you see the twinkle in his blue eyes or the angle of his pronounced cheekbones. I know it kills you inside, but you will regret deleting them more than you will regret taking them in the first place. He will be a lesson to your kids or a boy-you-once-knew heartache or even a flitting memory you smile at when you page through old scrapbooks. He once made you happy, he once was one of the most important people in your life, and he once made you happier than you could’ve ever imagined. Don’t delete the pictures. You’ll thank yourself later.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write
I wish you had hit me
every time I did something wrong
I wish every shout
was followed by a slap
a punch
a kick
I wish my teachers would ask me questions
about black eyes
and that I was told
I would be taken from you
because of all of it.
Because no one cares
about the child
who is afraid to go home
because mom yells
no one cares if I cry
with the thought
of calling you
that I want to vomit when I think of you
that I go silent when you’re around
that I recoil when you touch me
“I don’t abuse you.”
“I don’t come at you with knives”
no you don’t
you just call me names
and put me down
you make me feel
like a mistake
that it’s all my fault
lighting the gas
setting me on fire
till I want to die.
I wish you had hit me
I don’t know if it would’ve worked
but I wish you had
because then someone would believe me
when I say
“I’m abused”
but all my scars
and bruises
are internal.
I can’t talk to others
without fear that
they’ll be you.
I think of you
and I can’t find a good memory
I look at myself
and just hear your voice
I hate myself
because you always
made me feel like
I was just below the line.
That I was a 70%
and never a 100.
I was not a child
I was a puppet
a trophy
a doll or pet
to be dressed and groomed
I was money
and again
and not once could I forget it.
I wish when you threatened
me with a smack
that you just did it
because then
I wouldn’t feel so stupid
crying over just your voice.
—  Based off something I had to say to my aunt when my family didn’t believe me about my mother’s verbal abuse. While I know that neither form of abuse is preferable to -anyone-, this is still a thought that rushes through my mind when I think about my mom. 
I want to find someone who finds the same things as me, beautiful. I want to find someone who finds things beautiful, that I do not. I want them to open my eyes and I want to open theirs. I want to share things with them and I want them to share things with me. I want them to show me things I would never have done and I want to do the same for them. I want someone who makes me a better person everyday and I want to have the opportunity to grow with that person. Because isn’t that the point? To have someone that makes life achingly exciting and makes you want to live for a thousand more years? We’re fed so much negativity. I want to find someone who shows me life is beautiful and ugly and that it’s something worth sharing.

Pairing: Hamilsquad x reader

Prompt: First off, I LOVE your writing, you’re one of my favorite writers in the fandom. You make me wanna start my own imagine blog, even though I’m already a Hamilton writer on AO3. Second, I wanted to request a poly sick fic with Alex/Herc/Laf/John x reader that’s a lot of fluffy goodness please. Also, #southgotitmadeintheshade I’m from Tennessee homie! Neighbor states ftw

TW: Vomit mention, the reader is ill, allusions to Alex’s mom dying.

Word Count: 1662


It’d started with a cough. An innocent, meaningless cough. One that you thought was just a tickle in your throat. It made Alex, and this was a rare occurrence mind you, look up from his laptop.

“Are you getting sick?” He looked ready to gather his things, and vacate the premises, should you answer that question with an affirmative. He didn’t deal well with illness.

“No, hon, relax.” You laughed a bit, shaking your head. “It was just a little cough. You know, like your body does natura-” You started coughing again, this time harder than the last, but you still felt fine. By the time it passed, Alex was already getting his things together.

“Well, I’m headed to the library, I’ll see you tonight, okay?” He said this so quickly, you almost didn’t catch any of it, out the door with his laptop before you could even respond. You pouted a bit. Rude.

It was about an hour later when you were still on the couch, curled up in a blanket. Maybe you were getting sick…you did feel more tired than usual… Alex, as he had said, was at the library, Hercules was making dinner, Lafayette was working on assignment, and your were currently curled to John’s side as you watched T.V. Well, not so much watch as blankly stare because you’re too tired to focus.

“Baby, you okay?” John asked after a while. “You’ve been so tired lately…and Alex told me he left when you started coughing.” He gently pressed his hand to your forehead, and you shied away from it.

“I’m fine, John, really.” You gave a tired smile, even as he continued to worry over you.

Before he could question you any further, Hercules entered with a bright grin, announcing that dinner was ready. You moved to the table with your boyfriends, only to find your plate covered in a smatter of spaghetti, and the tomato sauce it came with.

Your stomach gave a violet churn, and you decided that…maybe it was better that you not eat. “Actually,” You got their attention, watching as John paused where he was already eating, and Herc and Laf stopped the process of taking their seats. “I’m…going to go to bed, I’m not hungry, and I’m pretty tired…night.” You gave each of their cheeks a kiss, before moving to the bedroom you all shared, which was two bed pushed together to fit all five of you. You curled up in the middle, dragging the quilt Eliza and Herc made for your birthday behind you like a cloak. You bundled up.

You covered yourself up, stuffed your pillow beneath your head, and soon, you were fast asleep, unaware of the hell you were in for when you opened your eyes again.


It was the middle of the night when you woke up again. You had to squint to make out the letters on the Alarm clock on Alex’s side. He slept closest to the nightstand on the right, and you couldn’t help noticing he was absent. Did he really want to avoid you that much?

However, you didn’t have much time to dwell on that, seeing how your stomach gave a painful lurch, and you began tearing yourself from John and Laf’s arms to get to the bathroom. You scrambled into the connected room, falling to your knees and holding the porcelain bowl as you started coughing and hacking up what little you’d had to eat the day previous.

You didn’t even realize anyone was up with you until you felt warm hands pulling back your hair from your face, keeping it out of the way and rubbing smooth circles into your back.

“It is alright, ma petite,” Laf cooed to you as you started calming, “let it all out.” You didn’t want to admit how much of a comfort it was, just hearing his voice, cooing to you while you went through this.

You slowly started to relax, dry heaves becoming hiccuped sobs as he pulled you back to let you rest in his lap, and look up at him.

“I-I’m sorry I woke you…” you sniffled weakly, letting him take a cool cloth to your heated, sticky skin. You felt disgusting, but, even like this, he still loved you, they all did.

“Non, it is alright, mon lapin.” He cooed, letting you curl up in his arms. “John is making tea, and Hercules is remaking the bed…don’t worry, you do not need to apologize.” he gave your forehead a kiss before pulling back worriedly.

“You’re so warm…” he murmured worriedly, cupping your cheek as he eased to his feet with you in his arms. “Come, ma petite, back to bed.” He cooed, making you curl into his protective arms.

You emerged to find Hercules waiting for you as well, arms outstretched, ready to accept you into them. Laf deposited you into them, and kissed your feverish forehead before leaving to see about John, and how the tea was coming in the kitchen.

You whined softly, hearing your phone buzzing on the nightstand. You hid your face, and let Hercules stroke your hair as he checked it for you. He gave a soft, deep chuckle, one that rumbled through your aching body rather pleasantly.

“Here…You may want to read this yourself.” He cooed, giving your head a peck. He’d turned down the brightness, as your early morning, hyper-sensitive eyes couldn’t stand the sudden light. An email? This early?

Ah, it was from Alex, no wonder.

‘My love, I’m sorry I left how I did earlier…and, given what illness has taken from me, I hope that you’ll understand my skittish nature…

This is not against you, never against you, I love you, each of you, more than anything else on this earth, but at this moment, I bet you need to hear just how much, right?’ You gave a sleepy smile, and tapped the attached document, as Hercules read over your head. He lightly rubbed your arm, and hummed to you softly.

A document, completely of the different ways and things he loved about you. The way you woke up in the mornings. How you had special pet names for each of them. He mentioned how his favorite of those was darling. How you kissed them all good bye in the mornings, whenever you had to leave. By the time you were done reading, tired as you were, there were tears in your eyes.

God…they loved you way too much for your own good. Even sick, and gross, and having already vomited once this morning, they loved you so much…

“Oh, baby, what’s wrong!?” John worried as he came back into the room, holding a tray with tea, soup, and crackers on it.

“Don’t cry, mon petit, we’re here.” Laf tried to comfort, not realizing the source of your tears was a good reason. It was only about five thirty in the morning, and here they were, fawning over you like mother hens…you’d be lying if you said it didn’t feel good to be worried over…

“Laffy Taffy, John dear, don’t worry. It’s just Alex. He wrote them a poem, about how much he loves them.” He laughed softly. He had the best pet names… Herc sat you up, despite your whining that you wanted to relax in bed. The tray was placed in your lap, and you pouted, not feeling very good to eat. But you took the tea, and cradled it in your hands. It…felt good. The heat was nice, against your fever chilled body.

You took hesitant sips as your boyfriends kept talking over you. And you suspected it was about you, but you were way too tired to really focus on their words.

As you started slipping further, the tea was taken from your hands, and you were fed a cracker or two, just to get something in your body, before, finally, you were fast asleep.


When you woke up again, it was past noon, and you were swaddled in so many blankets, you looked more like a cocoon, than a person. John was sitting in the desk chair, playing on his phone with his feet up. He did a double take as he saw you moving, and grinned.

“Awww, there you are, baby.” He cooed, reaching out to stroke the little bits of hair that stuck here and there from the blankets. “Sorry, you just kept shivering, and you needed to sweat this out anyway. How are you feeling?”

“Some better.” You murmured, smiling sleepily at him. “Where are the others?”

“Alex is crashed on the couch, Laf is in class, and Herc,” He paused for a sec, listening for the rhythmic sound of the machine in the next room. “Yeah, he’s sewing.” He smiled, and you smiled.

“Good…” You murmured, curling up a bit. This is just how you liked it. Your boys were all home…they may not have been right beside you, but you felt the love all around you. You wiggled yourself around with a pout, until finally, it seemed John felt sorry enough to help you sit up.

A moment later you were asking to watch a movie, and in a matter of minutes, he was curled around your blanket cocoon with you, while the both of you watched the intro to Aladdin. Herc’s sewing in the next room stopped, and he dashed in after hearing the opening to ‘One Jump Ahead.’ Laf sauntered in a moment later, and Alex came in a little while after, while the Genie was singing his song. They cuddled around you, and held you, and each other, while enjoying the movie. You got to see the most heartfelt rendition of A Whole New World, between Laf and John, and truly, you felt honored to witness that.

Sick or no, this was exactly how you wanted to spend your time. You’d have it no other way.

Man, everything about this prompt was speaking my language!! Again, so, so sorry you guys that this is way later than usual. But I will either post another time tonight, or three times tomorrow, in order to keep on schedule. Thank you for the request, darling!!

Love, Rosalie

My thoughts on the first 3 chapters of Queen of Shadows:

-Dorian can’t even remember his name and he’s struggling to remain tethered to his true self. This makes me want to vomit blood and tears.

-“Aelin Ahsyrver Galathynius, heir of fire, beloved of Mala Light-Bringer, and rightful Queen of Terrasen…” now that is an impressive title. I may have been smiling like an idiot had I not just read Dorian’s POV a moment before.

-I had a mini panic attack when I thought she permanently dyed her hair but then I realized how unlikely that would be. Oops, haha.

-Straight to Arobynn, then? And what the hell was all that innuendo about?! It adds to his sadism, but I still think he’s just messing with her. He probably does feel for her in some way, but I’m still unsure if its 100% “lust” or otherwise. Aelin did mention never knowing whether he was trying to be a brother, lover, or father figure. And then he tries to compensate for aiding in Sam’s murder and her enslavement by saying “he’s changed?” Bullshitttt.


-Tern, you should know better than to screw with the queen.

-One word: ROWAN. Oh, gods. Every sentence connecting to him was like a really painful whiplash. “With the blood oath now eternally binding her to the Fae princeand him to herhis absence was like a phantom limb. She still felt that way, even when she had so much to do, even though missing her carranam was useless and he’d no doubt kick her ass for it.” I’m not crying. There’s just a massive fucking stick in my eye.

-Aelin curled up on a cot feeling numb because she lost her magic once passing through the invisible barrier made me more emotional than I would’ve thought. She just learned how to master this part of her, and now it’s been taken again (even if for a period of time) and that magic also reminded her of Rowan because he was the one who helped nurture it back to life.

-“…stranded in her human skin…” Two words: character development.

-I was clutching my pillow, waiting for Arobynn to finally tell Aelin what had happened to Dorian but then he goes on to inform her about HER FREAKING COUSIN AEDION ASHRYVER AND OH MY GODS I WASNT PREPARED. I. WAS. NOT. READY. And neither, would it seem, was Aelin. My eyes are still red and everything is numb. Not to mention, we now know that the king plans on executing him in 3 days?!?! No wonder Aelin agrees to ally with Arobynn for the time being. I would’ve too.

-Aedion is officially Aelin’s main priority and that makes me ridiculously happy and terrified because of what could happen if she’s not quick enough.

-Chaol had a female guard with him who was said to have shoulder length dark hair. My immediate thought was Nesyrn Faliq, the new QOS character SJM has been hinting about.

-If Arobynn gets his hands on one of the Valg like he requested of Aelin, does this mean that he intends to partake in the same “activities” as the king?

-Aelin Galathynius was ready for bloodshed.

-One last thing…“fire breathing bitch queen” oh my god.

First time (Michael) *


A/N: ok so you’re best friends with mikey but you kinda end up having sex

enjoy x

words: 3000 +


“Y/N, I think it’s time for us to go home.” I say, gently tugging on my best friends arm. We’re at a party at Luke’s place and she is absolutely wasted. Her boyfriend broke up with her a couple of days ago and she’s been very calm about it, but I know that she is hurt, and I think that’s one of the reasons why she decided to drink her ass off tonight, to forget. I have stayed sober for her, thinking that I’ll probably have to take care of her and give her a ride home at least. She is currently making out with some guy, his hands are all over her, making me want to vomit, not that I am jealous or anything, okay I am. We’ve been friends for so long, and I’ve always thought that she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but she unfortunately doesn’t feel the same way, considering the huge amount of boyfriends she’s had the last couple of years.

“Y/N, come on. It’s late.” I say again.

“Mikey! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” She climbs off the guy’s lap and throws herself into my arms, stumbling a bit.

“No, you haven’t.” I laugh and grab her waist to help her regain some balance. “You’ve been busy exchanging saliva with at least a dussin guys. Your lips must be really tired.” I joke, I can basically say whatever I wamt right now, there’s no chance she’ll remember this in the morning.

“Oh but Mikey, my lips never get tired.” She whispers in my ear before she lets out a giggle, making shivers run down my back. Kepp it together Michael, she’s drunk and have no idea what she’s saying.

“Okay, come on. Let’s get you home.” I say and put her arm over my shoulders to help her out.

“No! I can’t go home! I told my parents I was staying over at your place tonight.” She says, looking at me with blurry but pleading eyes.

“They don’t know you went to a party, do they?” I sigh, already knowing the answer.

“No.” She giggles and bites her lip. “I’m a bad girl.” My breath hitches and I can feel a blush rising on my cheeks as we keep walking toward the exit.

“Okay, I’ll let you crash at my place then.” I say, I can’t say no to her and luckily I have my own flat, which means that we won’t have to run into my parents.

I get her into the passenger seat of my car and put her seat belt on before walk to the other side and sit down in the drivers seat.

“You’re not going to throw up, are you?” I ask, I’ve just gotten a new car and I don’t feel like getting it dirty after only a week of having it.

“No silly, I feel fine!” She says and taps me on my leg playfully.

“Good, let’s go then.” I say and pull out of the driveway and head to my flat.

“Miiiiichael. Michaaaael. Mi-Mi. What a weird name.” She giggles. Did she just call me Mi-Mi? I shake my head but can’t help but smile. Y/N isn’t always in a good mood when she’s drunk, she’s kind of a wave of emotions, sometimes she’s bawling her eyes out, sometimes she’s trashing everything that comes in her way and hates everyone and sometimes she’s super cuddly and cute, you never quite know with her, but I quite enjoy this side of her.

“No, I think I like Mikey the best.” She says eventually as we pull up to the parking lot by the flat.

Getting her first out of the car, then into the building, then up four stairs and last but not least into the flat was a challange I’ll tell you. Not that she’s heavy, she’s practically light as a feather, but the fact that she is incredible drunk and touchy made it a little difficult. Her little hands keep making their way to the button of my jeans or even to my butt that she keeps pinching. I try to tell her to stop but she just keeps gigging, and I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not turned on, because I certainly am, and her minimal, tight black dress is definitely not helping the growing situation in my pants.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” I say and lead her into my bedroom. I am going to sleep on the couch tonight, since I don’t think it’s such a great idea to sleep in the same bed as her. “Here you have some clothes you can sleep in, get dressed while I go and get you some water.” I say and throw her a t shirt and a pair of sweat pants.

“Wait!” She says and grabs my hand. I turn around to ask her what she wants but she quickly crashes her lips against mine before I can say a word. The kiss is kinda sloppy and tastes like liquor but wow, how I’ve been waiting for this. It feels amazing, she feels amazing. I move my lips against her hungry ones and place my hands on her waist. 

Wait. Stop. What are you doing Michael? This is wrong. She’s your best friend.

I stop immediately when realization hits me, the voice in my head is right, this is wrong. 

“Y/N, you’re drunk.” I state, grabbing her upper arms to keep her away.

“I know you want me Mikey.” She says and bites her lip, looking at me seductively. Before I have the chance to answer she reaches down between us and grabs me through my pants, making me suck in a harsch breath.

“See! I knew you liked it!” She says triumphantly when she feels my growing bulge and starts palming me, making me let out a strangled moan. 

“Y/N, don’t.” I say and take a shaky breath, I have to learn some self control, this is ridiculous, after just one grab she practically has me wrapped around her finger. I take her hands off of me and take a few steps back.

“I’m not going to have sex with you.” I say, trying to sound convincing but to the look on her face it doesn’t seem like I’ve convinced her at all. 

“Don’t deny it Mikey. I want you so badly, always have.” She purrs. Purrs. My head is spinning of lust, either I completely ignore whatever my conscience is telling me and throw her down on the bed and fuck her into fucking oblivion until I have her begging for me and possibly ruin our ten years of friendship, or I listen to it and walk out of here and have a quick wank in the bathroom and we’ll never have to bring this night up ever again, and we’ll go back to being best friends.

Breathe Michael, she is drunk and may not even know it’s you she’s talking to. Just walk out of here.

Just when I make my decision to walk out and close the door behind me, she roughly grabs my hand and sists me down on the edge of the bed before she straddles me.

“I know you want me as bad as I want you.” She whispers into my neck and starts grinding down on me. 

Shit.” I mumble, feeling myself getting harder and harder by the second. Soon, I won’t be able to stop myself. Her dress has risen so it is situated above her hips and the only thing that are keeping our heated cores from each other are my pants and her panties. She tangles her fingers into my hand and kisses me on the lips, soon slipping her tongue into my mouth, making me groan out of pleasure.

“You feel so good Mikey.” She moans before she moves her hand down to pop the button of my jeans. 

“Y/N…” I say, but it comes out more as a plead than a warning. She of course takes it the wrong way and hurries with my button before she pulls them down my legs along with my boxers. My dick is so incredibly hard and I don’t even have time to think before she wraps her delicate fingers around it, making me let out a satisfied moan. 

I know that she has gone pretty far with a guy before, but I’m almost one hundred percent sure that she’s a virgin, and so am I.

Maybe I can let her finish me off with her hands, and then I can leave.

There’s no other person in the world that I’d rather lose my virginity to than her, but I have no idea how she would feel about this. I know that it is completely and utterly wrong to use her like this, but technically she is the one using me. I am definitely not forcing anything on her, but it still doesn’t feel right.

Just when I’ve gathered enough self control to push her off of me, she drops to her knees and takes me into her mouth. My whole body freezes as waves of pleasure hits me, and every bit of self control that I had is completely vanished.

Fuck it.

I grab her hair out of her beautiful face and she looks up at me with big eyes. I throw my head back and shut my eyes in concentration to keep me from coming down her throat, I swear she could make me come by just looking at me.

She’s still drunk and it is kinda sloppy, but oh my god, it is to good. Her makeup are kinda smudged and one of the straps of her dress has fallen off her shoulder and she has never looked sexier than she is in this moment. Her tiny hand is wrapped arounf the base and is pumping whatever her mouth can’t reach. I keep it together for a few more minutes before I tug at her hair. “You need to stop.” I breathe. She circles the head with her tongue before she lets go of me with a ‘plop’.

“What, why? Did I do something wrong?” She pouts as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

“No, no, no! You did amazing, it’s just that I’m going to come if you keep doing that. If you want me to fuck you then you better stop.” I say and pull her up to her feet. She grins at me and immediately starts undressing herself. She turns around and I zip her down, making the dress fall to the floor. She turns around again to face me while she quickly unclasps her bra, letting it joing the dress in a pile. 

“Take your shirt off.” She instructs. It takes a few seconds before I manage to tear my eyes off of her chest. I have literally been dreaming about this moment so many times that I’ve lost count. This moment will last as wanking material for months. 

I pull my shirt over my head and throw it to the floor before I kick off my jeans and my boxers that were lying in pools around my ankles. I grab a condom out of my wallet that is  lying next to me on t he bedside table before crawl backwards till my back hits the headboard. I wrap my hand around my rock hard length and pump it slowly, watching as Y/N steps out of her panties before she joins me. She runs a hand through her hair and flicks it off her shoulder, a few strands hanging down her face as she smirks at me. I am so in love with this girl, and something in the back of my head is hoping that she is in love with me too. 

She straddles me and I grip her hips in anticipation. I know that no matter how drunk she may be, this will still hurt a bit since she’s a virgin after all. 

“Are you sure about this Y/N?” I ask, just in case she suddenly had realized that she in fact didn’t want to have sex with me. 

“You are so silly Mikey, of course I am sure.” She giggles. “Now give me that.” She takes the condom and tears it open before she rolls it onto my length, pumping it a couple of times first. I watch her intently for any signs of regret or discomfort, but all I see is lust and a small smile. I reach down to her core and feel that she is already dripping, making my dick even harder at the thought of being inside of her. I start rubbing her and she lets out a moan in pleasure. She stop my hand after a few moments and lines me up by her entrance. I wonder if this really is the ideal position, what if she loses her balance or something, wouldn’t it be better if I’d top? 

She once again shuts me up before I even have the time to open my mouth, this time by slowly sinking down on me, letting out a moan.

Shit, shit, shit.” She hisses, shutting her eyes. She is all the way down and it fells fucking amazing. I groan and clench my jaw, trying to keep myself from bucking up into her.

“Are you okay baby?” I ask, slowly starting to rub her clit again, just to ease the pain.

Fuck, yes.” She says and starts moving again, this time a tad bit faster. She lifts herself up, her hands on my chest, and then lets gravity pull her down. It is going way too slow for my liking, but I know that I’ll have to let her choose the pace, at least for now. I reach for one of her breasts and start massaging it, loving the way it feels beneath my hand, and concidering her repeated moans, she is enjoying it too.

“You think you can go a little faster?” I choke out, it takes everything in me not to turn her over and ram into her with all my force. She nods and bites her lip as she starts bouncing both faster and harder.

Sot tight.” I breathe, feeling her warm and wett walls clench around me. She is so beautiful, and I am so in love with her, everything is absolutely perfect in this moment, waves of pleasure is attacking me constantly. 

It doesn’t seem like she’s hurting at all anymore, so I decide to take it to the next level. I grab her hips and quickly flips us over without pulling out. She is stunned at the sudden change but she soon wraps her legs around my waist, pushing me toward her. I place my elbows on either side of her head and start pulling in and out of her at a much higher speed. 

“Mikey, I think I’m going to come.” She says, clawing at my shoulder blades.

“Come on, come for me.” I say and seconds later her eyes screw shut, her body gets stiff and her walls tighten around me. Her mouth is slightly open and she is so perfect, I almost come by the sight.

“Shit Michael, I love you so much.” She breathes and those words are what maked me hit my high.

“I love you.” I choke out before I come inside the condom, spilling out every last drop while playing those last words inside my head. My face is in her neck, breathing in the scent of her perfume and shampoo, she always smells nice and tonight wasn’t an exception, even after sex.

Shit. I just had sex with my best friend. 

She had said she loved me, and I had said it back, probably with a whole different meaning, but it had felt so good to say it. 

I slowly pull out of her and throw away the used condom, before I scoop her up in my arms, holding her naked and tired body tightly against my. I kiss the top of her head and wrap my arms around her small waist. We are both still panting, trying to catch out breaths and before I know it I am fast asleep, with the girl I am so utterly and foolishly in love with.


You wake up feeling kinda sore and with a light headache. It takes a while before you realize where you are, but you soon recognize the familiar scent that lingers on everything in your surroundings. You look up and see your best friend sitting on the other side of the bed, fully clothed with his back turned to you.

“Good morning.” You croak out, your voice thick and harsch of sleep. You sit up, holding the cover against your naked torso, while pulling a hand through your messy hair, trying to look it a little less like a birds nest.

Michael turns around when he realizes you’re awake. His eyes are filles with cautionness and guilt, like he has done something bad and you are going to yell at him or something.

“Mornin’.” He mumbles, studying you with his eyes.

“What?” You ask eventually, confused by the weird behaviour.

“You don’t remember, do you?” He asks, biting his lip nervously.

“Remember what?" 

"Shit, I knew we shouldn’t have done it. I’m so sorry Y/N, and I totally understand if you never want to see me every again.” He says with sadness in his eyes.

You scoot closer to him and grabs his face to make him look at you.

“Michael Gordon Clifford, what are you talking about?”

“We had sex.” He blurts out, looking scared. You can’t help but start laughing a little.

“I’m not joking Y/N.” He says sternly, looking at you.

“Me neither Mikey!” You smile at him. 


“Is that why you are so nervous?”

“Well, yeah, aren’t you mad at me? For using you like that?”

“If anyone, I was the one using you Michael. Now get back in bed with me.” You say.

“So, you remember everything?” He says and watches you carefully.

“Yes, and if you ask me, it was hella amazing.” You smile and he lies down beside you, still not quite believing you. You sigh and grab his face once again, making him look at you.

“Michael, I know we are, or were, best friends, but I love you, okay? And I don’t regret a single thing last night, except for being extremely clumpsy, unless you do?” You say honestly.

In fact, you had been aware of everything that happened last night, not everything maybe, but you had been in love with your best friend for at least a year now, and the alcohol only gave you the amount of missing courage you needed to make a move. Until yesterday, you weren’t absolutely sure that Michael liked you back, but you could clearly see it in his eyes last night and hear in the way he say 'I love you’ back.

Michael looks at you, shocked.

“Are you kidding me Y/N? 'Cause I swear I’ll-” You cut him off by placing a kiss on his lips.

“No, I’m not kidding.” You laugh. 

“Then I must be dreaming.” He laughs with you.

“No you’re not silly, just shut up and kiss me.”

“Fuck, I love you so much, you have no idea.” He mumbles against your lips.

You basically spend the rest of the day in bed, cuddling and talking, just like before but the only difference is that kisses and sex are involved.

A/N: ok this took me forever to write so I’d be really happy to get some sort of response? also, send in some requests! x


The thing about the whole Duggar situation is yes, I’m super mad at the hypocrisy of Josh’s actions based on his beliefs of people in the LGBTQ+ community. But what really makes me want to vomit is the thought of what those girls must have gone through for years. To have to live with your molester, with your parents protecting him, and all the while everyone is telling you about what a ‘good brother’ you have. I would go fucking insane. Plus, the way they were raised was to be 1.) Subservient to men meaning in their perception Josh had an authority over them making it harder for them to resist and 2.) The fact that the parents put so much emphasis on girls remaining pure and virginal would really increase the guilt and self-loathing that can come with that kind of trauma. And that’s what makes me want to cry over this. Even if you loathe the Duggars, empathize with the girls.

I lost Lilly on Wednesday.  Kidney failure.  She was nine years old.  I was not there with her; I had already left for San Diego.  My mother took her to the vet, and handled arrangements.  I did not get to say goodbye.

Please be gentle with me.  Please do not request admission to the Birthday for dead pets right now; I can’t handle it.  And please, please do not send me asks to say how sorry you are.  I genuinely appreciate the sentiment.  I am also dehydrated from sobbing, and the thought of needing to reply to those asks makes me want to vomit.

I am not okay.  I will be okay eventually, but it will take some time.

Please give me some time.

Give me something to hold on to because lately I’ve been emptier than the bottle of vodka underneath my mothers pillow
She says she’s not an alcoholic but other kids parents don’t show up to school half dressed
With whiskey hanging off their breath
Other kids parents don’t have a liquor store on speed dial
Other kids don’t clean up their mothers vomit off the carpet

Give me something to hold on to because lately I’ve been struggling to see why it’s worth getting up in the morning
When all I’m going to do is sit in math class imagining a bullet going through my brain
And painting my sorrows on the wall behind me
I can do that perfectly fine without ever seeing the floorboards

Give me something to hold on to because lately I’ve been missing him so much it’s hard to breath
And sometimes I get so delusional from the lack of air that I think he misses me too
I imagine him staring at the ceiling in agony at two in the morning whispering
“I fucked up. I need her.”

Give me something to hold on to
Or I might just let go.

—  Was that a life line or a noose you handed me?– Lily Rain
I don't know whether to ignore Donald Trump or pay attention to what happens.

I have not heard Donald Trump’s voice since the election.  I haven’t read any of his comments, seen any of his Tweets, or paid any attention to him at all.  Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit.  For my own sanity, I don’t know how much attention I should pay to him over the next four years, but I did wake up this morning in a positive enough state of mind to take a glimpse at his Twitter and these were literally the first two tweets, back to back:

How did he…

…say two completely different things…

…back to back!

Y'all, what should I do?  Part of my coping mechanism for living in the world is using the Internet to 1) work through situations logically 2) commiserate with like-minded individuals and 3) release some frustration so I don’t have to be angry 24/7 in the real world.  I write about the news as a way to journal my thoughts and connect with others.  How do I write about Donald Trump for the next four years?

Aside from that though, how can we be responsible citizens keeping abreast of politics and the world around us while still maintaining sanity and peace of mind when the leader of the free world can’t even express a consistent message over the course of two tweets?  I can’t responsibly just ignore everything Donald Trump says, but I can’t even listen to his voice!  

I guess it’ll wear off eventually, but I’m at such a loss right about how to follow this administration without developing an ulcer.

this is for all my buddies who get down on themselves based on what other people say

I am pretty lucky in that i don’t get a lot of shade thrown my way over my writing. Maybe because my ego is the size of Donald Trump’s, and that seems to make me impervious to most trolls who would vomit their bile my way. “Why bother anonhating her when she openly loves all her faults as much as her strengths!?”

But I have a lot of lovely friends here in Darcyland or on the periphery of it that are kind, gentle, humble souls, who have been hurt by comments they’ve gotten, or their inner critic going wild.

I saw this on a forum I visit today and I thought maybe i’d share it. Cause I love you. And I want you to make stuff and believe in yourself. Because you are perfect and lovely and fantastic.

… Remember, misery is comfortable. It’s why so many people prefer it. Happiness takes effort.

Also, courage. It’s incredibly comforting to know that as long as you don’t create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created.

It’s so much easier to just sit back and criticize other people’s creations… Whatever you try to build or create – be it a poem, or a new skill, or a new relationship – you will find yourself immediately surrounded by non-creators who trash it…

Just remember, they’re only expressing their own fear, since trashing other people’s work is another excuse to do nothing. “Why should I create anything when the things other people create suck? I would totally have written a novel by now, but I’m going to wait for something good, I don’t want to write the next Twilight!”

As long as they never produce anything, their work will forever be perfect and beyond reproach. Or if they do produce something, they’ll make sure they do it with detached irony. They’ll make it intentionally bad to make it clear to everyone else that this isn’t their real effort. Their real effort would have been amazing. Not like the shit you made…

It always boils down to “Stop creating. This is different from what I would have made, and the attention you’re getting is making me feel bad about myself.”

Crushing Mingyu

Originally posted by gyuhan-17

  • Mingyu would be the most nervous wreck when he has a crush on you
  • I mean this boy may seem like he’s “smooth” with the ladies, but just the sight of you makes his knees weak
  • There’s constant butterflies in his stomach and the mere thought of you makes him break put into a smile
  • This, of course, causes the rest of the boys to tease him about it
  • “Does our lil Mingyu have a crush!!?”
  • “Guys~,” He whines giving everybody a pout, “Stop!!”
  • “So, when are you going to ask them out?” Woozi pipes up.
  • “Yeah! Don’t want someone else to beat you to the punch.” Jeonghan adds.
  • “I don’t know! I mean it’s not like they even know I exist…what if they find me creepy or something. I’m just going to word vomit at the sight of them.”
  • “Ahh~ No you won’t Mingyu.” Joshua says.
  • Woozi snorts, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
  • “I agree with Joshua. You’ll do great Mingyu.”
  • “Really Wonwoo?”
  • “Of course!”
  • The days will pass of Mingyu just walking by the cafe you work out to try and get a glimpse of you. He’ll step in with a few of the other guys for lunch or something to see if you’re there, but you never are.
  • He’ll sort of stare into space like a sad little puppy as he dreams up the right way to ask you out
  • He’s one of those guys that sort of hypes it up. He’s always like “Alright. Today is the day. I’m going to ask them out today; right now. I’m going to march right down to the cafe and ask to see them. Then…”
  • “Then what Mingyu?”
  • “Uhh. Never mind. Not today, but tomorrow!”
  • It’s never tomorrow.
  • One day the boys are totally fed up with Mingyu’s procrastination and make him go down to the cafe and ask you out.
  • “Let’s go Mingyu.”
  • Seungcheol grabs him by the jacket and the rest follow him out of the entertainment building and down the street.
  • “Wait…what…what’s going on!?!”
  • “Todays the day Mingyu; today is the day.”
  • Hoshi gives him a reassuring pat on the shoulder and the start to file into the tiny cafe.
  • They enter the cafe and stand in line as Mingyu “casually” glances around for you.
  • You turn the corner out from the employee’s locker room and accidentally ram into the back of the freakishly tall guy in front of you.
  • You take a step back in shock and immediately apologize to the tall stranger.
  • “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going. Are you okay??”
  • “Oh…uh-uhm…. yea-yeah. I’m totally o-ok.”
  • The rest of the members casually take turns looking at the scene behind them and whisper among themselves.
  • Mingyu is a total wreck and the butterflies in his stomach are beating against his rib cage. His face is heating up and his tongue doesn’t want to make words.
  • “I mean that I uh-uhm didn’t feel a thing ya know. You’re uh-tiny and like I’m kind of big. You can’t hurt me even if you tried! I’m a strong man!”
  • Snickers erupt from the rest of the boys as they all stand around sipping from their drinks.
  • Mingyu’s like “I’m such an idiot. OMG” in his head.
  • You give him a confused look and give a little laugh. His awkwardness was cute, and so was his face.
  • “Ok?”
  • Mingyu just stares at you in awe as the realization of you taking to him sinks in.
  • The two of just stand there in awkwardness until Mingyu suddenly speaks up again.
  • “Yes.”
  • “No, it’s okay I total-…Wait, you said yes?”
  • “Mhm. Pick me up here at 8?”
  • “Yeah of course! I’ll look forward to it.”
  • You order your drink and give him a small way as you make your way out of the cafe.
  • The other members come and swarm Mingyu with cheers of congratulations and claps on his back.
  • He just stands there with the goofiest smile on his face.

I hope you enjoy!~

Other Mingyu AUs: