the thought makes me want to vomit

scatteredmuse asked:

Seanan, I just got a notification from CD Baby about Creature Feature but it's "backordered" for the moment. Did you do pre-orders for this album and did I somehow miss it? Or is this you trying to save your sanity and not doing any personal mailing? :)

I haven’t done pre-orders since Red Roses and Dead Things, because a) I no longer need to do that in order to fund the album, and b) the thought of hand-mailing 250 CDs, many to addresses outside the US (which adds the step of “do a customs form”) makes me want to vomit.

Sadly, CD Baby only asked for 4 copies initially, so they sold out before I even got the email telling me they’d been received.  But I’m mailing them 32 more this afternoon.

11 Questions

Thanks for tagging me @somevelvetmornin

1. What do you smell like?

Right now? I have lingering pipe smoke in my beard that smells of rum, cocoa, pecans, and a hint of vanilla. Also…beard.

2. You’re out to brunch. What’s the first thing you put on your plate?

French toast. Is that a brunch thing? I’m not much of a brunch person but I am totally a French toast person.

3. Pool, or hot tub?

Hot tub

4. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Yep. I’m responsible, I keep to myself a lot, and I have a sense of humor lurking around (though it’s quite dry).

5. What’s your go-to karaoke jam?

Does sitting at a table nursing whiskey because the thought of karaoke makes me want to vomit my anxiety count? Otherwise, I sing Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” to Gavin as a lullaby.

6. Your friends are all taking snorts of bourbon and cliff diving into the river. Do you join in?

Not a fucking chance. I’m the guy with the medic bag standing by and laughing when a fish brushes up against their genitalia.

7. Have any secret or hidden talents?

I did theatre in college. I may have some of those skills left.

8. Where did you grow up?

The south. I bounced around NC, GA, and FL.

9. Do you want to come over and watch Murder, She Wrote reruns with me?

Only if Matlock is on right after.

10. When was the last time you did the marijuana?

Never touched it.

11. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?


Now I think I’m supposed to write 11 and tag 11 - I’m trying to do this from my phone like an amateur.

1) Does the sound of someone chewing make you nearly homicidal?

2) Recommend a book that had an impact on your life.

3) What is the one item from any fast food chain that is superior to all others?

4) My guilty pleasure are…

5) Which Golden Girl do you most closely identify with?

6) What historical figure would you like access to for an hour?

7) Do you get belly button fuzz that seems to magic from out of the fucking blue?

8) What is your favorite movie quote?

9) Out of all the people on Tumblr you follow which would you nominate for president and which for Vice President of the USA? What would their campaign slogan be?

10) Why don’t men wear kilts more often?

11) Why is Col. Sanders so fucking creepy?

thelifeofromy, feralwavestohermind, isitsafe, kernyen, tonyburgess1969, wentdog, helms-deep, heyashmag, caffeinatedcephalopod, messthatisjess, metacognizant

I'm Not A Fan Of Yours Cameron Dallas

Think back. Remember that one person you just couldn’t stand, like the thought of them makes you want to vomit. That’s how I feel about this one guy, Cameron Dallas. I’ve known the kid since I was five when I moved to Chino Hills, California. At first I thought he was cute, until he put gum in my hair which caused me to cut my long, beautiful hair up to my shoulders. And as the years went on, the more I couldn’t stand him.

From name calling to throwing things at me when I wasn’t looking. Cameron did everything and anything to piss me off. But did my parents know? No. When we were around our parents we acted like we loved each other and they swore we would get married one day. Yeah right.

Thank the heavens when he became famous he left and moved to L.A. Sure I saw his mom and sister but I actually liked them. But every time Cameron was in town I did everything in my power to avoid him. Like I heard he was coming this weekend and I was sure to book my whole weekend so I wouldn’t see him.

Today is the day he comes back and I planned to hang out with my best friend the whole time. I quickly grabbed my purse and ran down the stairs to the front door when I heard, “Y/N! Where are you going?” My mom asked crossing her arms and raising her eyebrow.

I turned to look at her, “I made plans with Lia,” I said acting shocked.

“You know Cameron is coming home today, you can’t go,” she said. “You haven’t seen the poor boy in six months!”

I looked at my phone, “is that today?” I said playing dumb praying she wouldn’t make me go.

“Yes, now go get dressed. We’re going over in an hour. Gina said Cameron misses you,” she smirked before leaving.

I inwardly groaned as I made it up the stairs again. I changed from my jeans and t-shirt into a high waisted black skirt and a white crop top. Usually I didn’t dress like this but since my mom wanted me to look nice I bought these clothes just in case. “Ready!” I called walking down the stairs to see my parents talking.

“You look beautiful! Cameron’s going to love it!” My mom said clapping her hands. I don’t understand why they wanted Cameron and I to get together so bad.

Before they said another word we left for the ten second walk to the Dallas’s house. I sighed not looking forward to what was about to happen.

“You guys are here welcome!” Gina squared as she hugged my mom. They were like best friends and every time they saw each other it was like they hadn’t seen each other in years when really it’s only been since their morning walk. “Sierra! Cameron they’re here!” She said over her shoulder. I inwardly groaned but I put on a fake smile. “Look at you Y/N you get more beautiful everyday,” she says hugging me as her kids walked into the room.

“Thank you Gina,” I said. I turned my attention to Sierra, “hey girl,” I smiled. I actually liked Sierra and Gina. They both were sweet woman.

“Hey! Feels like you never come over anymore,” she said hugging me in that sisterly way she did.

“Yeah, just been busy with school and stuff,” I said with a slight smile.

I felt my heart sink it was what I dreaded most, Cameron. “Saving best for last I see?” Cameron said as I looked at him his arms were open for me.

And of course I had to act like I liked him, “Cameron!” I said in my high pitch voice that resembled my mom’s. “I haven’t seen you in forever!” I said wrapping my arms around his neck, if only I could chock him. He followed my movements, putting his hands lower than needed for some reason my center clenched. What the hell? “Take your hands off my ass,” I growled in his ear. Ignoring the sensation.

He gave it a squeeze, “you’re cute when you try to be angry,” he whispered seductively. I groaned pushing off of him.

“You two are so cute together,” my mom said as she placed her hand over her heart.

Cameron grabbed my hand, “I’m going to hang out with Y/N in my room, don’t wait up!” He said nearly dragging me up.

I heard my dad say, “let them have their time together they haven’t seen each other in a long time.” Lord help me.

When we got upstairs to Cameron’s room, he pushed me up against the wall. “Ready for some fun?” He said in a stupid seductive voice.

I pushed him off, “no thanks.” Walking over to his desk I sat at the chair scrolling through my Instagram. I wanted to be on the other side of the world.

“Great welcoming back,” Cameron said with a frown.

I rolled my eyes, “trust me I wasn’t supposed to be here. I was supposed to be with Lia, but my parents made me stay.”

“Oh your hot friend, how’s she doing?” He said with a smirk.

“You’re a pig,” I spat.

“Yet every girl in the world finds me sexy,” he said lifting his shirt to show off his abs.

“Cameron gross,” I said turn so he was out of my view. “Just leave me alone till dinner comes around and we’ll act like we’re besties and after I’ll leave and never see you again, cool?”

He walked over and spun my chair to face him. “Come on Y/N, it’s fun messing with you.”

“I don’t see any fun in this,” I comment looking at his brown stupid eyes.

He laughed, “I didn’t say it was fun for you baby,” he said.

I groaned, “ass,” that’s when my phone went off and by the caller ID it was Lia. “Hello?”

“Did you get hooked in going over to dough bag’s house?” She asked.

Quickly Cameron grabbed my phone and pressed it to his ear. “Hey sexy mama,” he said I nearly gagged. “Yes she’s here with me… I think she’s enjoying herself… Well first off she’s like begging to suck my-” I cut him off by grabbing the phone.

“I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later,” I said before hanging up. “You’re such a fucking pig,” I said pushing him away as I got out of the seat and walked over to his window to see my room right across. Literally I could climb over to my room which didn’t sound like a bad idea.

After an hour of trying to ignore him it was finally dinner which meant I wouldn’t have to deal with him that much. We all sat down, of course Cameron thought he should sit next to me. “So Cameron tell us all that’s happening in your life!” My mom said patting his arm from across the table.

He smiled at her with that sickening sweet way he does. “Good, traveling a lot. I actually just came back from Europe so I’ll be staying here for a month. Even might be working on another film. So I’m excited for that,” he smiled. He turned to me, “maybe next time you can come with me,” he said lightly hitting my shoulder.

“I wish, too bad I have school,” I said in a fake sweet tone picking at my salad.

“Come on honey you could take a few weeks off, you work yourself to the bone,” my dad said.

“Yeah maybe,” I mumbled. I was honestly baffled that they had no clue I hated Cameron.

For a while they all talked about Cameron and how great he was while we ate. I thought I would vomit what I just ate if I heard one more time how great they think he is.

During the end of dinner I felt something rubbing my inner thigh inching closer to my center. When I realized it was Cameron and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, it kind of turned me on. Quickly I swatted his hand away and crossed my legs leaning away from him. I turned to glare at him when I realized he had that stupid smirk on his face while he talked to them.

I put my napkin on the table, “excuse me,” I said quietly as I got up and walked to the bathroom. I know Cameron has been stupid before. Hell he grabbed my ass so many times, but that never turned me on till tonight. What the hell was wrong with me? Am I dying? Maybe since I haven’t had sex in so long it’s be making me go crazy. After looking at myself in the mirror and tried relaxing my hormones there was a knock on the door. “Coming!” I said.

And once I opened that door. A pair of lips smashed onto mine. I was completely shock about what was happening. Fucking Cameron stupid ass Dallas was kissing me and I fucking liked it. After the shock I pushed him off. “What the hell are you doing?” I whispered to him so our families wouldn’t hear us.

“Kissing you, you like it?” He asked biting his lips and pulling me toward him.

“What the fuck? No!” I said pushing him again my center firing up.

This time he grabbed my hands pressing them to his chest. “Come on, Y/N. I can tell by the way you’re looking at me that it turned you on,” he said low and seductive.

“I-I-” in the first time since I’ve know Cameron I was speechless.

He stepped closer to me pushing me up against the counter. “Look, I haven’t had sex in forever and I can tell you haven’t either,” he states.

“How the hell do you know?” I glared getting some confidence back.

“Cause when I touch you you’re like putty,” he said using his free hand to grab my ass causing my lips to part and a soft moan come out. Damn it Y/N! Get your shit together. He raised his eyebrow, “and I bet you’re just dripping wet under this,” he said lowly grabbing the hem of my skirt. Fuck he was right.

“Cameron, you’re fucking crazy,” I told him trying to keep my breathing normal.

“Here’s the deal, I’m going to come over to your house, fuck your brains out and leave like nothing happened and you can go back to hating me,” he tells me.

“Why would I do that?” I said breathing heavy.

“Because emotions are bull shit, I need sex, you need sex, let’s help each other out,” he said pressing himself against. He was hard. Oh my.

“Why would I have sex with you? I hate you,” I told him.

“Cause it will be meaningless and we’ll get a good fuck in it,” he smirked. He let go of my hands, “leave your window unlocked,” he whispered before grabbing my ass again and walked out.

That did not just fucking happen. Am I having a nightmare? I hate Cameron so why the hell was he turning me on? He was right though it’s been months since I had sex and it was kinda getting ridiculous. But did I really want to have sex with Cameron? I turned to the mirror and looked at myself. I was flustered. My cheeks and lips were a few shades darker and my area was throbbing hopping for some sort of release. After fixing myself, I went back to the table to see everyone still talking. Cameron as cool as ever. I honestly wanted to hit his smudge face then fuck him. Whoaa, thinking with my hormones wasn’t a good idea.

ok but like, the heat index was 105 degrees and there were fifty thousand people in the stadium and the boys were on stage running around under those lights and liam’s blue denim shirt and wet-hair-superman-curl made him look like a dad and i still need a moment

i want to write about my break up on the internet but even posting the words “break up” makes me want to vomit

thinking about “my ex” reading it and feeling exposed

thinking about how i’ll hate myself for invading his privacy (but not enough to stop myself from continuing to do so)

thinking that people who didn’t know we broke up will find out from this post and judge me for being immature and attention-seeking because i posted about it on the internet

thinking that i am immature and attention-seeking and lonely and codependent and incapable of processing my thoughts and emotions without outside input and approval, and worse, for posting about it on the internet

i haven’t been truly single for more than six months at a time since 2007

these unhealthy spirals of thought are exactly the kind of things i am able to talk through with a partner when i’m in a healthy relationship and exactly the type of things i compulsively wrote about on the internet when i was not

i’m used to saying all of my garbage-brain thoughts out loud and being heard, not necessarily responded to, but almost always understood

what happens to a brain when you can’t take out the trash?

anonymous asked:

the thought of ezria with a kid gives me chest pains. like they would be such good parents. they were so adorable with Malcolm, that was just annoying because it wasn't aria's kid. or ezra's I guess either lmao. but seriously. i always imagine them having a little girl. and aria would totally be the strict parent while ezra would be the pushover dad that does everything and gets every thing his little princess wants.

YES THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINE THEM! aria would have to be the tougher, stricter one and ezra would just be so soft and such a pushover but I reckon if the kids were really in trouble, like something really bad happened (ie. their daughter decides to date her english teacher) then ezra would be the angry one and aria would be the one comforting them and trying to reason with ezra

ohh man and how great will it be when ezra finally has a real child of his own? he’s always going to feel such pain from having malcolm ripped away from him, so when he finally has a child he’s going to be so happy!

July 14 2015 @ 2:17 pm

I have been trying to write about you, to make sense of the feelings that I have collected towards you. My thoughts are cluttered because instead of writing about you, I start to think about wanting to see you, to feel that familiar buzz I usually feel from looking into your eyes, to be kissed the way that you kiss me with such dedication. I think maybe we both might be blinded of what to expect but I know that I periodically tend to get starved from your affection and I hope to think that when you could be thinking about anything or anybody else, that possibly you’re thinking of me. I want to keep my expectations high and I want to keep expecting more nights filled with laughter in between our long talks and those intimate hours spent in our beds, but I know that If I expect nothing, all else just might hurt less in the long run.

the weird/vulgar (almost violent? i wanna say) thoughts are coming back and they’re making me want to scream and vomit. but i’m starting therapy again soon so??? maybe that’ll help? sometimes i feel like therapy doesn’t do crap for me

anonymous asked:

Your snape criticism is way more thought out and eloquent than mine (which usually boils down too BUT HERMIONES TEETH) so I just want to point my mother in your direction, she's a snape lover:( (its not like i can claim its generational, she had me so young we're basically the same generation D:)

it’s okay for people to love snape, you know. i’m not here to convert anyone or to make them see the light, and i hope they wouldn’t do that to me. i just….disagree…

anonymous asked:

So if Glenn is really killed this season I'm probably going to flip a table. im not ready for that. And then my next thought is they really are going to give Daryl Glenns comic book death and that makes me want to vomit and roll into a ball in the fetal position. Idk how much longer i can tolerate this show if thats the kind of crap they are going to pull. Its like Beths death started a chain reaction and the last people standing will be Rick(maybe) Carl and Carol. I cant Saba i cant.

If they kill off Glenn (and THIS early in S6) then they are 100% saving the Negan/Lucile death for Daryl….

And I agree!! Idk what Gimple is doing. He’s ego tripping out and I think he thinks the show can do okay if it were exactly like the comics.

Yeah I agree with you dear…. S6 is making me nervous… Not for the reasons I used to get nervous for either.

DMT Trip Report. 24 y/o Male, Southwest US: Death/Rebirth Experience.

“I raise the pipe up and place my trembling lips in position and light the bowl. I hit the bowl about 6 times or so with as much delicacy as I could. At about the third hit in, the DMT “taste” was extremely overpowering and I thought I was going to throw up if I took another hit, but then I thought no… this is it, I have to break though… come on, come on. I took another long toke and begin to cough and the taste is making me want to vomit but I just keep hitting the pipe and then..

My field of vision narrowed and the pipe grew and grew and grew until it felt like I was holding a pipe that was almost a meter long. This was very strange to me and did not know what to think of it (20 seconds after my last hit). Then I started to hear this consistent vibrating sound that had its own vibrato in its tone buzzing in my brain (30 seconds). Then I felt my body forcing my eyes closed.

The moment my eyes closed  there appeared a singular pattern, not changing or moving or with any kind of distortion. The pattern itself looked like one of those cliche “stare at this for 30 seconds then look away” type patterns, black and white rectangular outlines within each other, very symmetrical but it was at a stand-still. Then I actually felt grounded in that moment, almost like I was now standing in front of the pattern but the pattern consumed my entire field of vision so I had no sense of when anything stopped, or if there was and barriers or even metaphorical doors or walls. Then I realized that I was not on Earth. I am not saying I was on another planet or another life or realm necessarily, because that thought never mattered to me during the trip. All I knew is that I now had a presence in a “place” I guess you could call it and nothing was happening. Then out of nowhere I felt another presence, not my own, a dominating presence like a male. No face, no body, nothing at all. I just knew that someone, or something, was there. Only moments after feeling the “male” - or dominating - presence, I felt a “female” presence as well. Much more calm, not dominating by any means. Now I knew that there was definitely both a female and male presence there with me. I was still in this “place” with no sense of structure. I had no body, no hands, no feet, just pure consciousness. At no point in time did I feel scared or “freaked out” at all. All of my anxiety and worry about the trip took a back seat and now I was in this place with these things for what seemed like quite a while. Then the real trip started.

After spending minutes in “trip time” trying to take in what was happening and figure out why everything was so stagnant… it began. The pattern started to move, very quickly, in and out of itself like how it starts to look when you stare at the “trip patterns” for a certain amount of time. Then I started to feel like I was actually somewhere tangible. Now this may be the hardest part to put into words. I felt almost as if I was in these “beings” or “entities” home. Again there is no structural confirmation in my visions that I am actually in a house. I just felt like I was inside of whatever it was as a guest to these entities.

Then out of nowhere the black and white pattern started to change color into a white and red pattern of the exact same shape. I felt an emotion that was not my own. It was as if I could sense that the dominating (male) entity was frustrated with me. Now keep in mind that from here on out the colors of the patterns were synced to these entities’ emotions. I then hear the dominating voice speaking to me in English. Not in a voice I have ever heard before, it did not sound familiar in any way but “his” or “its” tone was very aggressive and demanding. The entity stated in a half-way aggressive tone, “Come on, I want to show you”. He kept saying this over and over and I was now able to speak back to them. I replied to the dominating entity “Okay I am ready, show me”. The entity became more frustrated with me and the colors of the pattern began to turn more and more red. He kept repeating, “Come on I want to show you, I want to show you”. 

At this point in time the entity has become borderline angry with me . But then the colors of the pattern turn into white and blue and I felt the emotion of “calm”. The entity had calmed as I continue repeating “I am ready, please show me.” The dominating entity then said in a calm, yet still commanding manner, “Put the lighter down.” This is very important to how cool and connected this journey was, while I was tripping with my eyes closed I was still physically holding the pipe and lighter. I also had my clothes on, along with a hat. After he demanded that I put the lighter down I physically (in my real body in Troy’s room), put the lighter down and it felt amazing, almost like the trip was getting better or that now we were finally going somewhere. Then the entity demanded that I put the pipe down and just like the lighter I did, then he insisted that I take my hat off, and I did. A little bit of “rationalizing” came into my thoughts and I thought specifically, “I really don’t want to have to take all of my clothes off in my best friends room but I will do it if this entity asks me to.”

But luckily he did not ask any more of me. The dominating entity now said, “Okay, come on, now I want to show you”. And the cycle began again. He became frustrated with me and I felt so helpless in getting him to actually show me and I stated again “I am ready please show me, I am yours”.

Then I heard the female entity voice for the first time, her voice was pure reassurance and comfort, a voice that immediately soothes your soul. It felt so trusting and loving. She told me in the softest, most beautifully toned voice I have ever heard, “Come here.” After she told me to come I felt myself moving. But not with my legs like walking, like I said - I had no body, only pure consciousness. I felt myself physically moving towards something that almost felt like the corner of a room even though there was no visual structure or sense of physical structure or barriers. When I arrived in the “corner of the room” she said, “ I want to show you, but first lay down”. Again in the physical world I laid down, but it felt as if this female entity was the one laying me down very slowly and very gently. I felt as if she was actually cradling me like a baby and I felt her love and her warmth all over my body and was overwhelmed with love and reassurance and once I felt myself actually laying down I then realized the most memorable thing in this trip and this point in time… I knew she was laying me down to die.

I have never been afraid of death, not since I was a young kid. I have had countless loved ones pass away in my life and my entire childhood all the way through now being. Having the mindset over the years that I am genuinely not afraid of death, I view death as the next chapter, the next adventure if you will.

Once I realized that I was for sure going to die the female entity radiated love and comfort and I began to cry. Not crying in the sense I was scared to die or that I didn’t want to die, I was crying because of how beautiful my death was becoming. Dying in the presence of pure love and pure comfort and bliss was the most incredible thing I have felt up until this moment. Of course it crossed my mind, “I wonder what death is going to be like”. 

As I started to cry, I felt the first tear roll down my face and off of my cheek, instantaneously following that sense of tears leaving my face I was flashed into a vision of my tear landing in soil. I had no idea where I was or where this soil came from or what was surrounding me. My whole field of vision was only that soil. I saw the tear drop hit the soil. And then another, and following the tears came these little green sprouts with the tear drops on top of the sprouts, as if they were heads for the stems and the water drops had smiley faces on them! I then realized and could feel that these sprouts and tears were also me. I knew that those sprouts that were growing were a part of me. I cannot describe the feeling but there was no mistaking it. I could not believe what I was experiencing. There was no resistance on my part at all, none whatsoever. Then the female entity spoke again and said “Its okay, its okay. Cry. Cry, cry more so you can grow”. I started to cry even harder and even more sprouts started to appear. My vision kept switching back and forth between that pattern I mentioned earlier and this new vision of soil with sprouts growing. I understood what was happening. I was being laid down by this entity to die. I wasn’t scared, or worried. Just comfortable, and loved. Then all of a sudden I literally felt that “consciousness" or “person” that I was before… die. I felt myself die in the realest way possible, I died. Immediately following that, I had the unforgettable sensation that I was immediately placed into the consciousness of the sprouts growing. I did not spend much time at all actually feeling like I was a part of these sprouts from a first person feeling, but for the short time that lived within those sprouts.. I felt as if I was reborn.

I opened my eyes for the first time since the trip started and saw the outline of my friend Troy.I stated “Dude, oh my God” in a whimpering voice because I was still crying. My eyes shut again and all of a sudden I could feel my consciousness shooting through space. I can see traces of stars passing by and it felt like I was almost encapsulated in some kind of force-field or protection because the velocity in which my consciousness was traveling began to invoke purple, orange, and yellow flame and knew that I was traveling through space fast enough to break through some kind of barrier. The excitement I felt was very innocent and childish, I mean I was traveling though space! Then the overwhelming sensation filled my body that the presence of the two entities were with me in this “ship with no barriers or walls.” I felt them, but they did not say anything to me, nor I to them. It was just good to have them there with me. Very comforting. After traveling through space for what seemed like a very long time I got this sense of knowledge that can never be replicated in any fashion or could never be faked or exaggerated. I KNEW now that we were on our way to Heaven.

After I realized where we were going I became very emotional and started to cry once more. No real thoughts ran through my head as to what it would look like or what it would even be like. I was ready for whatever was ahead of me. But we were traveling through space for such a long time I began to think, “Maybe I’m not going to heaven. Maybe I haven’t lived my life in such a way to bring me to heaven.” I have dealt with suicidal issues in my past and came very close to ending my own life and have thought about it curiously. And now I  was feeling that maybe due to these thoughts I wouldn’t make it to Heaven. I stared to think  that maybe this was Hell, maybe I will just think I am going to heaven for eternity and never actually get there. But that feeling did not linger for long. I snapped out of my thoughts and back into the trip and saw just how beautiful space looked. So many stars and colors and pure beauty and that thought lasted for what felt like maybe 5 seconds. Then the doubt set in again. Before my mind could go any further down that dark path I broke through the barrier and on my word… I had arrived in Heaven.

Moments after I realized where I was, a strong sense of overwhelming presence coursed through my existence. But this time it was numerous presences all at once. But I could not see them, and the most strange part about my time there was that it was very dark. Very small traces of green light would shine through here and there and it never occurred to me that I was not in heaven because of the overwhelming sensation that I had arrived. The darkness faded away ever so slightly and there they were… 

Every person that I have lost in my life, that I have cared for, was right before me. Gathered as if they were expecting me. After only a few short moments of this breathtaking sight they started to cheer and smile and laugh and everyone started walking towards me with arms spread as far as they could reach in lateral direction to welcome my presence. When they got close to me, all of their faces started to flash one by one. Everybody from my great grandma whom I had only met a handful of times to my best friend that passed away, all the way down to my first childhood dog. They were all there just so extremely happy for me to be there. 

Once all of the faces ran their course I was placed in another part of “Heaven”. Only this time I was alone. The floor was still exactly like space and I could feel myself grounded in this place actually being able to move around (again not with legs). The trees I saw were something indescribable. All of the trees were as if they were coated in some sort or bright blue (very warm and subtle) neon lights.  I could not understand this beauty I was experiencing. I stayed in Heaven for what seemed to be a very long time just embracing the sights and I did not think I could ever witness such beauty again… until about 3 seconds later.

I then could physically feel myself preparing to come back to  consciousness as we know it and now could hear myself internally saying “Oh no, it’s too bad that I can’t stay here forever.” Once again all of a sudden I then felt that female entities’ presence and this time her love was pouring into my body like an ocean to an empty well. I knew it was time to go and I did not want to leave, and then she spoke to me for the last time and said “You can’t stay here yet, not yet.” At this point I am crying even harder than before, not because I had to leave but because of the love I felt in my body. The feeling was too much to for me to keep my composure. After I heard her speak I was introduced to the heaven I had always dreamed of. This female entity did not throw me back into my conscious body or snap me back into reality. Instead, she gave me a glimpse of what my interpretation of Heaven looked like and I found myself having an absolute reassurance that I would be back. The female entity without saying a word let me know that this was not the only time I would be here. As I was basking in this beauty of this place I felt the very gradual descent back into my body. I felt this entity literally cradling my entire body as if she was holding a baby and placing me back on Earth. Only we did not pass back through the heaven I had first seen when it was dark, and not back through space either, we took the scenic rout. Beautiful pink and white clouds of massive proportions and so many soft colors. Shades of pink, violet, and blues. In these clouds and I could feel myself descending.

Once I made it all the way down back to the surface of my Earthly consciousness I could feel a hand on my head/ I knew it was the female entity but that it was not of any kind of human hand. Maybe more metaphorical than anything else. But nonetheless I felt her place her hand on my forehead and felt her rub what I could only imagine being a thumb across my forehead. I opened my eyes and noticed that I was still crying. Tears had soaked that spot my head was resting on and cried pretty hard for about another 2-3 minutes or so. When I could finally speak and I looked up at my buddy and told him as much as I could about my experience.”

I was lucky enough to be provided with this beautiful trip report from a user on Reddit. He’s suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts and has sought the use of psychedelics to gain knowledge and treatment. 

“These tools really made me realize how beautiful life can be and that you are responsible for your own happiness and well being. As humans we have way more control over our emotions than we think, I just needed to open that door.

It has also allowed me to deal with all of the grief and tragedy in my life in a way that was not scary or overwhelming, just beautiful. Death is a beautiful thing in a lot more ways than one and this has changed my perspective on dealing with death enough for me to accept it and deal with it in a healthy manner.”

Even the music can’t drown out thoughts of you out of my head. Because the music is something you exposed me to. And it makes my heart ache.

Thoughts of you make me want to vomit. Not just you make me sick. No I physically want to vomit when I this of you. And all the disgusting things you did to me. My throat is dry and my heart aches. This is aweful, just like you.

My appetite and sex drive has completely disappeared into thin air and the thought of having romantic contact with anyone makes me want to vomit #JustSadNiaThings

Idek, there are two types of intrusive thoughts, the first kind is like “hey, I see you’re looking at your telephone while you sit on the toilet. You could totally just shit all over your $600 phone you piece of trash” and you’re like like “wtf brain? No.” But then there’s the other kind, the darker, more violent kind that makes you physically want to vomit when you have them, the kind that makes you want to isolate yourself and never interact with another human ever again, the kind that is like “you could slit your best friend’s throat, watch as the crimson blood pours from their wound, staining their skin, pooling on the floor beneath you. It would make the carpet wet, squishing, slurping sounds under your feet as you leave them to die.” And those are the kind that really scare me. I hate those kind of intrusive thoughts. I am so afraid of myself sometimes…