the things i'd let you do to me

anyone else kinda terrified you’ll never be able to hold a job in the future because of your mental illness

Vent art

I’m sorry if the imagery is disturbing…. I rarely publish things like these,ms paint kind of gave me chance to try turn the negative into actual (VERY)quick clean artform, to rely some message or emotion. Vent art is a great tool, it is personal and might be criptic, so people can find what they want in it, maybe bringing them some delight from their own pain? I don’t like to publish gore for the sake of it, nor spread sads, so whenever I do publish these for you to see - it’s only because I like how the art turned out and I want to share it with you. So hopefully I didn’t make anyone sad or worry, it’s simply artwork, part of me (maybe not that nice part but I’m also only human >.< ). So hope you can enjoy it without disgust or feeling bad from it or for me - no need to! I like this kind of aesthetic too! *EDIT* venting is great on paper! It works much better to release pressure.

“What do you mean with I don’t know you?” Castiel asks, looking at Dean in pure disbelief.

Dean lets out a chuckle and licks his lips.

“I’m not saying you don’t know me, man. I’m just saying that you don’t know every single thing about me.” Dean scratches the back of his head, trying not to laugh at the expression of sheer offence on Castiel’s face.

“I do.” Cas replies “I know lot about you.”

“You know what I let you know.” Dean smiles “You don’t know things like my personal tastes and stuff. I mean it’s normal, we’re usually hunting and trying not to get our asses kicked. We don’t have time for little talk.”

Castiel tilts his head and stares at Dean for a few seconds, almost as if he’s trying to decide if he should be angry or just let it go. But he doesn’t.

“You like your coffee black.” Castiel starts and Dean snorts.

“Dude, everyone knows I do.”

“When you fall asleep whilst reading you drool on the page.”

“Again, nothing new.”

“I know that you usually sleep on your back because that is the most easy way to defend yourself if something attacks you.” Castiel continues “You love cooking for me and Sam. You get this look of pure satisfaction when you do it and you always smile when we enjoy the meal you made us.”

Dean’s smile begins to vanish, as he just looks Cas in the eyes.

“I know you like my hands.”

“I don’t.” Dean replies, sharply.

“Yes, you do.” Castiel’s voice is warm, like that is something that really makes him happy “I know that you know when I am actually laughing at your jokes or when I’m pretending to. I know you love Sam with all your soul. I know that you just don’t want to let yourself be happy with who you have because you are terrified you could lose them. And I can’t blame you.”

Castiel pauses and takes a deep breath, Dean’s green eyes still on him.

“I know you wanted Sam to go to college and I know you still do. I know you like looking me in the eyes, I don’t know if it’s because you feel in crontrol doing so or if you just like my eyes. I also know you love Vonnegut. I know you don’t like cherry pie. I know you look at your mother’s picture every night before going to sleep. I know that you don’t allow yourself to really love anything, but when you do you love without reserve.” Castiel lowers his gaze “I know you still hate yourself for what you’ve done to me when you were under the effect of the Mark, God knows I hate myself for everything I have done to you.”

“Cas…”

“I know you feel like everything is your responsibility but it’s not. I know you wont admit you love someone or something because if you do that will make it real. So real that there will be no turning back. I know you hate my new trenchcoat but liked the old one.” Castiel shuts his eyes closed and holds his breath “And I know you love me.”

There are a few moments of silence, where Castiel doesn’t dare to open his eyes. When he does, he doesn’t look at Dean but stares at his own hands.

“And I know that I love you.” he whispers, letting Dean’s silence fill his mind. 

Dean sighs and bites his lower lip, his eyes fixed on something beyond Castiel. 

“Okay.” he mutters, with the trace of a smile in his voice “So maybe you know me.”

Castiel finally looks at Dean, finding him with a weirdly fond and amused smile on his lips.

“But Cas, trust me… you just got lucky with the last one.”

I'm sorry

for all the times I can’t think of a things to say
for when I talk too much about things you clearly don’t care about
for when I don’t put in the effort we both know I could
for when I make it worse
for responding too quickly
for singing too loudly
for laughing too obnoxiously
for letting myself get so fat
for being too clingy
for not understanding
for trying to understand
for bothering you when you’re busy
for over reacting
for being bad at everything
for messing everything up
for not being able to hold a conversation

I’m so infinitely sorry for being me

Chinese Grammar: Comparisons

My first grammar post! I hope there will be more to come. =}

Here are ways to compare things whether they be the same, or different, and also how something has improved/changed.

- bǐ: to compare/something is more ___ than something

  • 我弟弟比我高。/ 我弟弟的个子比我的高。 (Wŏ dìdi bĭ wŏ gāo. / Wŏ dìdi de gèzi bĭ wŏ de gāo.) - My little brother is taller than me./ My little brother’s height is taller than mine.
  • 我不比她高。 (Wŏ bùbĭ tā gāo.) - I am not taller than her.

…跟… 一样 - …gēn… yiyang: the same; as… as…

  • 这本书跟那本一样长。(Zhè běn shū gēn nà běn yīyàng cháng.) - This book and that one are both long.
  • 这个故事跟那个不一样好笑。 (Zhè ge gùshi gēn nà ge bù yīyàng hăo xiào.) - This story is not as funny as that one.

越来越 - yue lai yue: more and more

  • 他的个子越来越高。 (Tā de gèzi yuè lái yuè gāo.) - His height gets more and more tall.

Now, with these types of comparisons, you never add 很 (hěn) before the adjective. Usually to really add depth or exaggeration to just how something is much more than something else, add 多了(duō le) after the adjective.

e.g: 他比我高多了。 (Tā bĭ wŏ gāo duō le.) - He’s much taller than me.

a good thing

A friend from hs has a blog and she’s asked me to guest write an article on black history month and why it’s important. Since I’ve started my faith over fear resolution this year, I’m going to do it. And y'all, I’m excited. I’M STOKED TO BE HONEST

Like, this is a thing that is for freaking sure happening because I love the beastclans and have been wanting to do something with them for a long time. With all of these new designs cropping up, I have the variety of citizens that I wanted to work with. 

I’m glad you all want to participate and be a part of it but could we like? chill maybe? It’s gonna take time to set this up and all so I’d rather not start with a bunch of people eagerly wanting to interact with a city that doesn’t even have a name or anything yet. 

Like, feel free to make beastclans or groups on your own but as far as my city goes everything is closed to outside participation until I get the concept to a workable state.

you know i’ve been reading some posts about people regretting having children

and this is a thought before i should probably go to bed

firstly, i never want children because of this. having children means your identity is stripped away because things are 90% about your child and less about yourself. and do i want that? hell no. i don’t want my identity or freedom stripped away.

and during a volunteering thing i did for UCL, some college friends told me i should be compromising for the dude in the relationship (talking about cisgender men). like EXCUSE ME? but who gives birth? me. whose body will be changed? mine. who will go through the pain? me. who gets more judged by how good of a parent they are? mothers.

no. if i ever get in a relationship, whatever the gender/sexuality/etc of that person, they WILL know that NO i don’t want any children AT ALL. FULL STOP. i hate loud noises. when i’m in a restaurant and there’s kids yelling and being shitheads i want to literally walk out. i don’t like loud noises at all. i struggle with that sometimes, and even if i don’t tell you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. i don’t like messes. i don’t like bodily fluids. i don’t like how fragile children are. 

why should i compromise MY HAPPINESS for the happiness of someone who can leave me the next day? why should i give up MY FREEDOM, for someone who can walk away without consequences? no.

and secondly,

if you think for one second that the child doesn’t know you regret having them, you’re wrong. because in a way, i know my mum regretted having me. in a weird way. i know she intentionally had me and went through medical shit for me. but i know and she told me that it would have been easier for her, being here, if she didn’t have a child. and i know i’m not the child my mum wanted.

so i don’t want the child to be affected by MY shortcomings. because mum finds it hard to be emotional and kind towards me, because it’s a surprise when she called me today to see if i’m okay because she doesn’t do that. because while i turned out to be ok-ish it doesn’t change the fact that it still affected me. that i can’t deal with people’s emotions well, since she never let me comfort her when she was angry.

so no. i won’t have children.

for myself, and for the child.

                               okay but a firefly au

A new idea

So I thought I’d like to do some chapter analyses for BNHA besides the requests, where I share my thoughts, ideas and maybe some headcanons with you guys or some thougths on character development or how the story might progress in some parts.

I’d also like to have your thoughts on characters and headcanons as well, just generally what you want to talk about and exchange opinions and other things if you want to.

What do you say, are you interested in this?

I’ve gotten a lot more asks than I thought I would get, so I’ve been debating switching styles to try and keep up.

What style do you guys think I should use?

They’re basically the same thing, the only difference is that one was drawn with a pixel tool.
It lets me use a bucket tool to fool things in instead of having to color them in by hand, so it saves me a good amount of time (maybe like ten minutes).
Because it saves me that time I can draw more without taking breaks to rest my wrist so I don’t overwork it.

But while the pixel one is faster, it doesn’t have as many details as the one of the left. The one of the left also has fine lineart, which makes it look much neater and nicer to me.

Gross TMI warning -

I wanted to dedicate tonight to meta but my tummy has decided that it is time to Have Troubles. Which troubles? All the troubles. At the very same time. Because we don’t half-ass things. When we do things, we do them thoroughly.

I am going to spare you the details but let me say that it’s moments like this that make you appreciate the comfort of living with your mother.

you are beautiful because of the light that lives inside of you, but when you give that light away to others, you do not dim. light expands. you will expand. we were made to be lighthouses for each other. the universe is a cold dark ocean. shine with love. shine with love.